Quote Originally Posted by emily_in_nc
All,

Wow, what an outpouring of kindness I've received here. I had hesitated in posting because I didn't want to bring anyone down, but I am glad that I did share my story, simply because your support and wishes mean the world to me.

I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way. You have to face a future without someone you've known your entire life, whom you've been able to count on, and someone who knew you from day 1 and loved you unconditionally, in most cases. It seems almost unbearable, but I know I must move forward. I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith. I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all.

As for riding, it's just way too early to tell. Even though I do love it, I do not want to die doing it. I don't usually let fear rule my life, but I do try to be appropriately cautious (i.e., I would never bungee jump nor sky dive). I think everyone has to pick that line in the sand of caution vs. risk for themselves, and right now, I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes. We are also taking our 20th anniversary trip to the British Virgin Islands the first two weeks in December (postponed from May due to my accident) and plan to do plenty of snorkeling, sailing, hiking, paddling, and enjoying the great Carribbean food and drink. I only hope I can enjoy myself, because this trip can't be postponed again.

I am rambling now. I just wanted to say thank you. Your words and the experiences that you've shared mean so much. I feel like I've just gotten a bunch of warm hugs from my extended family! Thank you for being there and for listening.

Emily
Hi again Emily. I know you've heard from me before re the Very sad loss of your father. I'll share a little about me in the hope it helps.
My father left home when I was 2&1/2yrs. My mother was a diagnosed (at 74yrs) paranoid schizophrenic. She came from an obscenely wealthy family who threw money at problems to make them go away. She also never married, so my brother & I have no claim to any of the trust funds (British law..we were born over there & emmigrated to Australia when I was 12, also a "family" manipulation to get rid of us). Mum died on 8th Dec 2004. I have no parents & our wealthy cousins came to Australia to see how close mum was to "dropping off the perch" without catching up with my brother & me. They don't want to know about the bast***s in the "colonies:. Mum was not a "nice" schizophrenic. She was prone to violent out bursts & threatened to slit our throats when we were asleep as children. Our lives were a living hell.
Dispite all of this I believe in what is good & pure in life. The legacy I live with is depression, which is why cycling has been such a gift to me. I chose not to have children because there is a 10% chance my child could be schizophrenic & I know I couldn't go through that again. I'm not a traditionally religious person either, although I was brought up catholic. But one thing I do know...there is a force WAY GREATER than us mere mortals. We also have the FREE WILL to attract either good or bad into our lives. Your dad is still with you & caring for you. You don't need to be in a human made building called a church in order to summons his presence. This "force" has saved my life more than once. What I'm telling you is very real & very intimate. I don't usually share this with anyone, & now I'm publishing it on a web site...go figure!. You may not feel your dad, but he is there. You'll dream of him soon enough...when your own personal cloud has lifted & when your sub-conscious can handle it.
All power to you Nancy. There are lots of us who really care for you & your situation...even if we've never met you face to face.
Take care & depend on what's good in life.
Yasmin xxx