Taking a break for awhile...(warning: long and sad)

[cusepack]

Emily -

Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time in your life. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve and work on healing your soul. I understand how very difficult the task may feel at the moment, but take one day at a time and be good to you. You will know when you're ready to get back on your road bike, and until that time, enjoy your other activities knowing your bike will always be there.

Kathryn

[Ninabike]

Dear Emily,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. I have lost both of my parents so I can share some of what you are going through. You need to give youself some time. Don't feel pressured to make any final decisions about anything, including your future cycling. You may step away from it for a while, but it will always be there for you if you want it. Just give youself time!!! And be sure to keep posting on the TE forum!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Nina

[bikerchick68]

Emily... you've experienced 2 pretty traumatic events in a very short time... a bad accident, thereby forcing you to face your own mortality and then the death of your father... life can be so damned unfair... I can imagine that you are only in the very early stages of the grieving process... I am a Crisis Interventionist with the local PD so I have a little experience on the topic of grief and grieving...

just know that there are steps to the process... and you can move in and out of them for some time and it's OK and healthy to do so... bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance... here is something you may find insightful:

The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 steps. In fact, as will be shown, a person will generally have to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Car Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are:

Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process.

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.

The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived.
It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.


Here is another link that you may find comforting... it is an online grief and memorial sight... there are chat rooms where you can spill your feelings and talk to others who HAVE lost loved ones in car accidents or other traumatic ways... it has been checked out and approved for Crisis Intervention use by SDPD... so I am sure it is a safe site OK?

www.groww.org

Hugs my friend... be sure to take care of you and if you need to talk, tho we've not met in person, I am here to listen... I'd be happy to share my email, cell number etc... just let me know...

[CorsairMac]

oh Em - now I understand why you've been in my thoughts lately. Either last night or the night before during my ride home I realized I hadn't seen you in awhile and was starting to worry. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. A sudden loss is always the most difficult to bear. I can only imagine how special he must have been, having had the pleasure of meeting his daughter - even if it is only online!
I also understand your concerns about riding, there are days when I think I can't take the traffic anymore, or the idiots drivers that don't - or won't - see me, days where I wonder why I'm doing this when I could be doing something else, but they are outweighed by the days where I can't tell where my legs stop and the bike starts, days where the beauty of the world is so overwhelming I thank God I'm alive to see it, days where I wonder "just how Does the other half live?". No matter what your decision, I"m sure it will be the right one for you, just don't let THEM make it for you.

[massbikebabe]

Emily...

May God's love and the love of your family and friends, (including those of us at TE) carry you thru this difficult time.

karen

[Grog]

All of my thoughts are with you Emily... It is a very hard moment to go through. You don't have to make any big decisions now.

Good luck.

[Surlygirl]

Emily, I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad 6 years ago to a massive heart attack. I think about and miss him every day. I swear I cried every day for a month and it took a year before I could look at pictures or talk about him without tears.
Take your time and let yourself grieve. Eventually you think of all the happy times instead of the loss. I am so very sorry.

[Blueberry]

(((((HUG)))))

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. I can only imagine what you're going through - especially losing someone so suddenly.

I can also appreciate your concerns about cycling around here in light of the recent chatter on the tarwheels list. I do think that they are mostly isolated instances and that cycling remains *relatively* safe. You have to do what you're passionate about and what makes life enjoyable for *you*. If you can do that without cycling, then great! If not, then you have a tough decision to make. Time will help, and you'll know what's right for you.

Carrie Anne

[ACG]

I am very sorry for your loss. The anniversary of my dad's death is just around the corner Dec.17. His was unexpected. My thoughts are with you.

Many times when I'm down, I think, what would dad say? The sound 'in my head' of his voice helps me.

I started cycling after my dad died, it has really helped me to become a more happy person.

Do what feels right for you right now.

We are all thinking of you and wishing you the best!

[doc]

Emily
I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. I have both of my parents and cannot imagine what you are going through. Follow your inner voice and do what feels right to you.

[wabisabi]

This is sad, and I hope that this community can help to hold you in your grieving process. True, there are risks in this passion of ours, and also a lot of joy, as you know.

[laughlaugh18]

Emily,

My thoughts to you, as well.

If I can throw a little lightness into the mix - just want to warn you about the dreaded but little reported problem known as PLFS (Post-Loss Forgetfulness Syndrome). Keys - gone. Doctor's appointment - oops. Reason you got up to go into the next room - forgotten. Bottom step on the stairs that's been there forever - ouch. (believe me, perimenopausal forgetfullness has nothing on PLFS!)

When my mom died I had PLFS for months and months and months, way longer than my rational brain thought was fair. I'd get so frustrated with myself. Now I know to be more patient - big loss is such a shock to the system, so the system sometimes just fritzes out.

My wish for you is that you take it easy on yourself for as long as you need. Peace will come - in its own time, and in your own way.

Cathy

[Yasmin]

All,

Wow, what an outpouring of kindness I've received here. I had hesitated in posting because I didn't want to bring anyone down, but I am glad that I did share my story, simply because your support and wishes mean the world to me.

I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way. You have to face a future without someone you've known your entire life, whom you've been able to count on, and someone who knew you from day 1 and loved you unconditionally, in most cases. It seems almost unbearable, but I know I must move forward. I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith. I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all.

As for riding, it's just way too early to tell. Even though I do love it, I do not want to die doing it. I don't usually let fear rule my life, but I do try to be appropriately cautious (i.e., I would never bungee jump nor sky dive). I think everyone has to pick that line in the sand of caution vs. risk for themselves, and right now, I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes. We are also taking our 20th anniversary trip to the British Virgin Islands the first two weeks in December (postponed from May due to my accident) and plan to do plenty of snorkeling, sailing, hiking, paddling, and enjoying the great Carribbean food and drink. I only hope I can enjoy myself, because this trip can't be postponed again.

I am rambling now. I just wanted to say thank you. Your words and the experiences that you've shared mean so much. I feel like I've just gotten a bunch of warm hugs from my extended family! Thank you for being there and for listening.

Emily

Hi again Emily. I know you've heard from me before re the Very sad loss of your father. I'll share a little about me in the hope it helps.
My father left home when I was 2&1/2yrs. My mother was a diagnosed (at 74yrs) paranoid schizophrenic. She came from an obscenely wealthy family who threw money at problems to make them go away. She also never married, so my brother & I have no claim to any of the trust funds (British law..we were born over there & emmigrated to Australia when I was 12, also a "family" manipulation to get rid of us). Mum died on 8th Dec 2004. I have no parents & our wealthy cousins came to Australia to see how close mum was to "dropping off the perch" without catching up with my brother & me. They don't want to know about the bast***s in the "colonies:. Mum was not a "nice" schizophrenic. She was prone to violent out bursts & threatened to slit our throats when we were asleep as children. Our lives were a living hell.
Dispite all of this I believe in what is good & pure in life. The legacy I live with is depression, which is why cycling has been such a gift to me. I chose not to have children because there is a 10% chance my child could be schizophrenic & I know I couldn't go through that again. I'm not a traditionally religious person either, although I was brought up catholic. But one thing I do know...there is a force WAY GREATER than us mere mortals. We also have the FREE WILL to attract either good or bad into our lives. Your dad is still with you & caring for you. You don't need to be in a human made building called a church in order to summons his presence. This "force" has saved my life more than once. What I'm telling you is very real & very intimate. I don't usually share this with anyone, & now I'm publishing it on a web site...go figure!. You may not feel your dad, but he is there. You'll dream of him soon enough...when your own personal cloud has lifted & when your sub-conscious can handle it.
All power to you Nancy. There are lots of us who really care for you & your situation...even if we've never met you face to face.
Take care & depend on what's good in life.
Yasmin xxx

[Trek420]

laughlaugh18

"(believe me, perimenopausal forgetfullness has nothing on PLFS!)"

OMG I have both

[RoadRaven]

Oh Emily... anything I want to write I think has been said

I am so glad Biker chick outlined the stages of grief for you... I teach bereavement and its effects on children to my students. I think that one thing I could add here is that grief is not just about death.

Your father's passing (((hugs))) comes on top of a long period of you grieving for your cycling and your body as you knew it as your pelvis mended and you strived to find confidence again.

Now you are choosing a descision that will have you grieving again, for more than your lovely Dad.

Be gentle with yourself, take time, allow yourself time to be angry and depressed, to blame and to be glad...

I have thought for some time about you wishing to still have contact with your father... sometimes we look so hard it is hard to see or feel the ones we love, and it may be it will be years before your sense him with you.

Look at the children in your lives... do any of them look past you, over your shoulder perhaps? and seem to be seeing someone there? I know several children that do this, and the ones old enough to speak talk about family members just standing there, smiling... children see things that we forget how to see as adults...

Talk about your father, even if that means tears with your memories, as long as people live in your heart they are with you. All of my children know my Nana and Poppa well even though he died before I married and she died before my oldest turned 5. And I still cry sometimes. They all know the two babies I lost before term... it is important that we help them to live in our lives even though this is hard sometimes...

Perhaps you can find quiet places that were special to him or you or both of you... spend time just being there, not seeking anything, just being...

And don't forget you will see him in the eyes and smiles of your children and grandchild... he will always be with all of you as long as you wish him to be, even though he is not so easy to feel or hear now...

Arohanui, Emily
Kia kaha, kia manawanui
Awhi-awhi ki a koe


Much love
Be strong, be of good heart and have faith in yourself
Many hugs and support for you


I shall ask the Goddess to hold your heart gently in Her hands, and keep you safe and strong.