Taking a break for awhile...(warning: long and sad)

[bikerchick68]

Emily... you've experienced 2 pretty traumatic events in a very short time... a bad accident, thereby forcing you to face your own mortality and then the death of your father... life can be so damned unfair... I can imagine that you are only in the very early stages of the grieving process... I am a Crisis Interventionist with the local PD so I have a little experience on the topic of grief and grieving...

just know that there are steps to the process... and you can move in and out of them for some time and it's OK and healthy to do so... bargaining, denial, anger, depression and acceptance... here is something you may find insightful:

The 5 Stages define the process a bereaved person must go through in order to resolve their grief. Grief is a complicated, multi-dimensional, individual process that can never be generalized in 5 steps. In fact, as will be shown, a person will generally have to go through the 5 stages before true grieving can even begin.

As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Car Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead.

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again.

ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust."

BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition.

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use".

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later."
This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are:

Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process.

We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously.

We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years.

The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived.
It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.

Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.


Here is another link that you may find comforting... it is an online grief and memorial sight... there are chat rooms where you can spill your feelings and talk to others who HAVE lost loved ones in car accidents or other traumatic ways... it has been checked out and approved for Crisis Intervention use by SDPD... so I am sure it is a safe site OK?

www.groww.org

Hugs my friend... be sure to take care of you and if you need to talk, tho we've not met in person, I am here to listen... I'd be happy to share my email, cell number etc... just let me know...

[emily_in_nc]

...
T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins.[/COLOR]
...
Here is another link that you may find comforting... it is an online grief and memorial sight... there are chat rooms where you can spill your feelings and talk to others who HAVE lost loved ones in car accidents or other traumatic ways... it has been checked out and approved for Crisis Intervention use by SDPD... so I am sure it is a safe site OK?

www.groww.org

Hugs my friend... be sure to take care of you and if you need to talk, tho we've not met in person, I am here to listen... I'd be happy to share my email, cell number etc... just let me know...

Thank you, bc68. I will definitely check out the site you mention. It sounds like it could be helpful. Even though the "honeymoon" (ironic term) period is still not quite over (I'm still getting calls, emails, and letters; people are still asking me how I'm doing at work, and such), I'm definitely in the "E" stage above...I can't imagine experiencing the grief will get worse than these past two weeks have been, but never having gone through grief of this magnititude before, I can't say that for sure, I know.

I do have one question for you because of your professional knowledge. Do you think our trip to the BVIs is a bad idea? We had it planned for May, for our 20th anniversary, and had to postpone it because of my fractured pelvis. During the summer, we rescheduled for the first two weeks in December. Barry offered to cancel it again under the circumstances, but this time we would lose a great deal of money if we cancel.

I can't help but think that a chance of scenery might do me good - the warm sunshine, the friendly people, the beautiful turquoise water, the activities, and the focus on my marriage, which has been pushed to the background lately as I've been so focused on my biological family. Sure, it won't be the trip I dreamed of, exactly, because the loss is going to be on my mind - especially on Dec. 7th, which would have been Dad's 72nd birthday - but I hate to give up the the trip. What do you think? Bad idea? Good idea? Or just impossible to say? I do find myself somewhat looking forward to it, not with my previous gung-ho enthusiasm, but it does seem like fun compared to going to work and hanging out at home.

I also am sure that Dad wouldn't want me to miss out on it grieving for him.

Thanks for your help, wishes, and kindness....

Emily

[annie]

Emily,

My heart aches for you in this time of loss! Losing someone that is so much a part of your life can seem almost unbearable. But you bear it - you go on - even tho' some days you wonder why. And it eventually gets easier. You find yourself actually forgetting your sorrow for brief bits of time. Then those times get longer. You'll never feel quite the same again, but you'll come to find a new "normal" in your life. And it will be okay....

It's been difficult for me to read all these posts. It has been almost a year since I lost my mother and sometimes, I still cannot believe she's gone. The hurt and pain were overwhelming at the time, but I always knew I was a strong person. I knew it would get better. It has. It will for you.

One thing I found that helped, was to ALLOW myself to feel joy in life and not to wallow in sorrow and pity for poor me. I put effort into other parts of my life. I had very much support from family and friends. I got out and biked or hiked and kept very busy. You have to give your mind and body a break from feeling sad. My opinion, such as it is, is that you definitely should go on your vacation! Get away, see new sights. It will revitalize you and your hubby. This has had to be very hard on him, also. Have a great time. You know your Dad would want you to.

As for the bike riding - you can take a break for now! The bike isn't going to go anywhere. It'll be waiting for you whenever you feel ready to try it again. For myself, I now see life as being too short and too uncertain. We only have so much time and I won't back off on something I love as much as biking. For me, the risks are worth it. But you've got to find the level of risk that YOU are comfortable with.

((((((((((())))))))))))) and blessings,

annie

[Yasmin]

Hi Emily.
I've just read your post about whether you should holiday or not. Unless I have it wrong, I read that even though you (& your husband) would still feel grief, the change would be beneficial. Unfortunately it is not going to be the holiday you wished for when you first booked it. Your accident, then your dad's sad demise...but if your heart tells you to go, you should go. You don't know what you could gain from it if you remain at home. It may bring it's own form of healing in a way you could not have forseen.
Still thinking of you & sending you healing love,
Yasmin.

[SandyLS]

Emily,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just got back from visiting my Mom and Dad who are 86 and 87 years old and both suffering from different degrees of dementia. After reading your post last night I made sure to hug them extra tight before leaving them today. Take all the time you need to heal.

[Crankin]

Sorry about your Dad, Emily. May his memory be a blessing. I guess I wanted to say something about the cycling part of your post. I haven't read the items on the other lists about the cyclists who were killed, although I have read the things on this list. I don't like reading them, but I force myself to. I am not much of a risk taker and I am constantly thinking about safety when planning a ride. There are several intersections around here that I avoid because I don't want to deal with them. I do ride on main roads and country roads without shoulders, though, because if i didn't, I wouldn't be riding at all. And this brings me to my point; we can't live in constant fear of what could happen. Cycling seems to have been such an important part of your life, it might help you to deal with the grief. I think taking a break is good, if you can deal with the mental aspect of it. If the other physical activities do the same thing for you as cycling, then it's OK. Physical activity is such an important aspect in recovering from any emotional thing, so I say, do whatever is helping you to deal with the stress.

[snowtulip]

Emily, so sorry, take things at your own pace in all that you do. Grieving, cycling, etc. take the amount of time that your heart needs...but keep that spirit and life alive in whatever you choose to do.

[bikerchick68]

Do you think our trip to the BVIs is a bad idea?

I also am sure that Dad wouldn't want me to miss out on it grieving for him.

Thanks for your help, wishes, and kindness....

Emily

Emily... I think this trip could be very good if you allow it to be... give yourself permission to smile and feel joy during this time. It in no way diminishes your grief or sense of loss for your father... finding a moment of joy doesn't mean the pain is magically gone.

also I wanted to mention that it's OK and healthy to tell people what you need of them... I don't know Barry but if he is like most people he may feel the need to try to "fix it" for you... and this is natural. He may be feeling the need to find something to say or do to ease your pain... and you may just need to vent and have him listen without offering any words. If you find yourself in that position just ask for what you need. "I need to vent, can you please just let me without saying anything?" If you need to be held while you cry... ask... this is not something most people deal with daily and many are at a loss what to do to help. The one thing I know for sure is that there IS nothing that can fix it... Try to be gentle with yourself... everything you feel, from anger, to sorrow, to joy is valid... hugs.