Taking a break for awhile...(warning: long and sad)

[Mia]

Emily,

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I have only been on this site for a few months, but I have read your posts before and visited your homepage and you seen like such a genuine, caring person. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are someday able to enjoy your bicycle again, you'll have to listen to your heart, only you know what is best for you. I'm glad that you were able to share this with everybody at TE so we can give you our love, prayers, and support.

[crazycanuck]

Emily, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I can only say you'll be in my thoughts as i bike later on today.

In regards to taking time away from biking, it's understandable with the roads in your area. Remember we can cycle for you.

c

[Jo-n-NY]

Emily, I am so sorry to hear of your loss although words are not much of a consolation. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I can really understand about you being nervous about getting on the bike. So am I. Although it was bad road that caused me to fall, I hate more than ever riding in traffic. I have already told my husband and my girlfriend that when I get back to riding with them, it must be on roads with hardly any cars. I just got back to driving last week and I am a nervous nelly even driving.

I know I will get back on the bike with my little group because I would be miserable if they rode and I stayed home, but it will be a slow cautious start. Maybe for you also.

Take one day at a time. This for sure has been a tough year for you.

JoAnn

[gilly]

Dearest Emily

You have been such an inspiration to me. I am such a scaredy cat about many things while out cycling, your attitide towards your accident and recovery was so refreshing and brave, I found myself thinking of you while I was riding, and scorning myself not to be such a wimp And it worked, thank you.

I am so sorry to hear of the sudden death of your Father, it's hard, I know. And right now you're feeling vulnerable all round. Take it easy on yourself, do what you want to do, and what you want to do may change on a daily basis.


Gilly
x

[BikeMomma]

Emily -

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father and the pain and despair that you're feeling. I can't begin to understand the whole of what you're experiencing completely, but recent events in my own life have given me a new perspective in the way I see the world, and maybe it might help you, too.

I haven't lost my father to death yet, but when I was 12, I lost him to life. What I mean by that is that he had (and still has) sometimes severe bi-polar disorder and paranoia that made my mother's life a living hell. After they divorced and even after she remarried, he would come and bang on the door at all hours of the night, screaming and yelling irrationally and stalking us inside our own home. She was forced to file a restraining order against him - my own father - which ended our relationship. He moved all the way across the country to Maine and floundered.

What I'm leading up to is that, due to those terrible memories, not understanding hiis mental diseases, and the distance between us, I pretty much moved him to the back of my mind and moved on with life. Back in July, though, that all changed. I got a shocking letter saying that he very nearly died. Upon reading the letter, I realized that I almost nearly lost my father for good and that I would never have a chance to see him again, ever. This spurred me to go see him recently, and I'm overjoyed to say that I have my father back in my life again. There is still the distance, but I made that connection with him that I have needed all my life, and it has instilled a new sortof peace in me. And so now whenever he does pass, I'll know one simple fact - that he loves me, and has always.

Emily, you are so lucky to have had such a special father in your life. That strong of a bond does not go away with his passing, terrible as it was. He will be with you forever, you just have to let him stay. I hope you understand what I mean.

As far as the biking, the other girls here are right on. Give it time and don't force it. But, also - you can't let that fear rule your mind.

This week has been difficult for me, as well. One of the nicest guys that I ride with crashed terribly on his lunchtime ride on Monday. I thought of you almost immediately when I heard what made him crash...it was a dog. But you know, just like you, this guy inspires me to no end. His injuries nearly killed him - I won't go into details here, but as he lays in his hospital bed this very minute, he is absolutely pining to get out there on his bike. It's love for the the bike, epitomized. There's just no stopping him. It's made me think about why we ride -- because we just love to. We accept the risks and what can happen, and we go out there and don't let it beat us. And if it does, so be it. That's what was meant to be -- at least those cyclists that you named were doing what they loved to do when they passed on. God, I can only hope I go the same way....doing something that I love to do.

So Em -- I speak for myself and probably the others in saying, do what you need to do to make your peace, but don't worry about us out there, or yourself, if that's what you love to do. If you love the bike as much as I think you do, you'll be back. See ya back on the road, girlfriend - this time with your Dad on your shoulder.

-BikeMomma

[Selkie]

Emily - I'm so sorry about your Dad. I hope you find comfort in your memories and believe me, it does get a bit easier with time. Be advised that the first year without him will be the worst, but you can always post here if you need some hugs. He's your guardian angel. I lost my mom shortly before 9/11 and there are times when I still feel her with me. I know she's gone but she really hasn't left me because I'll always have her in my heart.

Like Gilly, I'm a bit of a chicken bike chick and I, too, found your courage to get back on your bike after your accident inspiring. That said, you have to do what's right for you. From reading your posts, I get the impression that you found much joy when riding your bike. I have had days where I've had some near misses---either on the street or the trail---and questioned whether or not biking was worth the risk. All it takes is one excellent ride to remind me how much I love it.

Life is risky and now that I'm over 40, I've become a more accepting of the things I can't control. Therefore, I've adopted a bit of a "if it's meant to be..." attitude and tried not to let my fear keep me from doing things. I can ride defensively and safely, but I can't be sure that drivers or other cyclists/trail users will do the same. About the bubba big truck factor, I don't know what to tell you. Be assured that those sort of a##h*&#s are everywhere, as evidenced by the many "jerk driver" posts on these forums. Maybe your cycling group/club can start a safety campaign with the local authorities or something?

Whatever you decide, you know that you'll always have friends here, ok?

[DirtDiva]

{{{Emily}}}

I wish I could be half as eloquent as the other ladies here, but just know that you and yours are in my thoughts.

[kim]

Emily,

I haven't checked into the forum in awhile either and yours was the first message I saw. I'm so sorry. I wish I could ease your pain.

[emily_in_nc]

All,

Wow, what an outpouring of kindness I've received here. I had hesitated in posting because I didn't want to bring anyone down, but I am glad that I did share my story, simply because your support and wishes mean the world to me.

I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way. You have to face a future without someone you've known your entire life, whom you've been able to count on, and someone who knew you from day 1 and loved you unconditionally, in most cases. It seems almost unbearable, but I know I must move forward. I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith. I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all.

As for riding, it's just way too early to tell. Even though I do love it, I do not want to die doing it. I don't usually let fear rule my life, but I do try to be appropriately cautious (i.e., I would never bungee jump nor sky dive). I think everyone has to pick that line in the sand of caution vs. risk for themselves, and right now, I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes. We are also taking our 20th anniversary trip to the British Virgin Islands the first two weeks in December (postponed from May due to my accident) and plan to do plenty of snorkeling, sailing, hiking, paddling, and enjoying the great Carribbean food and drink. I only hope I can enjoy myself, because this trip can't be postponed again.

I am rambling now. I just wanted to say thank you. Your words and the experiences that you've shared mean so much. I feel like I've just gotten a bunch of warm hugs from my extended family! Thank you for being there and for listening.

Emily

[MightyMitre]

I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't, and this entire incidence has definitely tested my faith.

I think I need a break from riding to gain perspective. Right now I see death around every corner, and I know that's not the reality. I think that time off will do me good. Since my husband is in the same state of mind right now, he's not encouraging me to ride but to do other things with him that are equally good for us, like long woodland hikes.
Emily

Hi Emily - MM here sending you hugs and best wishes and more hugs. So sorry to hear about your dad. So far, I've been extremely lucky and not lost anyone special or close to me but I have lost pets.

When I left home for university our family dog , who I'd grown up with for 15 years, died and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, but several months later I had this amazing dream. There he was, I was patting him on the head and petting him . It was so real and it was if I'd finally got to say goodbye. I know he was 'only' a pet dog but I loved him, so I can only imagin what you must be going through to loose a parent.

As far as the bike goes, maybe a few months off is a good idea. Afterall it is winter now, so maybe it's worth taking a leaf out of the natural work and taking a rest while the weather (and life ) is cold and dark. Who knows what the spring may bring when the sun starts to warm the earth and all the little green shoots start to germinate and life begins again.

Best wishes and take care
Liz

[Trek420]

emily_in_nc wrote,

"I am 44 years old, older than a lot of people who lose their first parent, but I think until you do lose one of your parents, you live in sort of a bubble. When that bubble bursts, you are forced to grow up in a most difficult way."

I forget where I read this but someone wrote on the death of a parent that "She stood between me and death". At least that's been my feeling.

"I wish I could feel my dad's presence, as some of you mention. I have hoped to dream about him, maybe receive some sort of sign that he is "ok", but I haven't"

I don't think you can rush this. My best friend said that in her culture (her Dad's Carribean) these dreams are considered very favorable, like a visit from the deceased.

Mostly I find myself talking to him sometimes. Those WWJD lanyads, t-shirts and coffee cups? What Would Jack Do, what would my Dad say?

And when I'm with family and friends we share memories of Dad.

"I'm not a traditionally religious person, but I have always believed that our souls live on after death. My dad had the mind of a scientist and didn't believe that. He believed that the light just turned off. I find that thought just unbearable, but I also find myself wondering if he was right after all."

I'm honestly not sure my Dads thoughts of the afterlife, I think he had some chats with my brother about that. He was the son of a deeply religious man but he didn't follow traditional religion himself. I would say that anyone who met him, he followed the golden rule and cared deeply about his family and others.

I think the closest he got to church was outdoors in the garden.

I know your Dad would want you most of all to be happy, and for you to be well.

How did he react to your crash? Supportive of your recovery? Did he want you off the road? Or was he, like us, your cheering section? Take all the time you need to heal.

[tatormc]

Em, so sorry to hear of your loss and you are in my prayers.

It is interesting that you bring up your thoughts on riding as I had a similar conversation with a friend two days ago. She is in her mid 40's, has 4 kids, and loves to ride as she has knee problems and cycling is the only thing that doesn't bother her knees. Two days ago she went for a ride and was hit by a cars side mirror right on her butt. She kinda flew off her bike and ended up in the grass at the side of the road. She was not majorly hurt but it made her question cycling. Does she want to risk her life this way? Her husband is a casual rider and is concerned as he does not want to raise 4 kids alone. As I told her all we can do is be careful. As a cyclist follow all traffic laws and pay attention to your surroundings. Yes you can only do so much but if it's what you love then it's worth the risk. Right now she's thinking she'll stick to riding in groups instead of alone.

But anyhow it's probably a good idea to take time off and enjoy other activities and re-evaluate how you feel in the spring. Good luck to you!

[SalsaMTB]

Emily,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through and your hesitation to get back on a bike again is understandable. I wouldn't even think about the bicycle right now, just concentrate on healing yourself. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[go get em]

Emily-I am so sorry for your loss. I have never lost anyone close to me, so I have no idea what you must be going through. I just hope that you can enjoy the time, with your husband in the British Virgin Islands, I know your dad would want that for you.

[latelatebloomer]

Emily, I'm just so sorry. You have done so much for others, encouraging us all in our trials big and small, I'm glad you took the time to reach out to us and tell us what you're feeling. You dealt with your accident with such grace and might, and you will come through this too. Take it all in very small bites, and do all that you can to soothe yourself, body and soul. It's not the time for challenges or decisions. The earth is still turning - let her do the work, and you rest and grieve all you need.