Taking a break for awhile...(warning: long and sad)

[emily_in_nc]

I haven't been here for two weeks until today, which is nearly unheard of for me; I normally check in here at least every couple of days ago, unless I'm on vacation.

I've been going through a pretty tough time lately. My dear dad was killed in a car accident on Oct. 28, and since then I haven't had any desire to ride or do too much of anything other than talk and write to friends and relatives. I adored my father, and this is the very toughest loss I've ever had to face in my life. Not having any warning makes his death even harder to take.

There have also been a rash of emails lately on our bike club chat list of close calls with motorists, road rage, and so forth on the rural roads here in NC that I ride all the time. These posts, along with the deaths of big-mileage, well-known cyclists like Ken Kifer, Bob Breedlove, and Bill Bliss, among many others not so well known, have me thinking that it's inevitable that someone in our club is going to be killed out there on the road one of these days, and I'm actually somewhat surprised it hasn't happened yet.

I find myself questioning the level of risk I am willing to take in my life to do this sport that I love. I'd managed to conquer my fear of loose dogs after my accident and get back on the saddle, but right now I'm beginning to think the risks are too great versus some of the other activities I also enjoy (hiking and kayaking, in particular).

Part of the problem is that, with rare exceptions, there are NO shoulders on the majority of rural roads on which I am forced to ride. Often when I ride with people who have moved to NC from other states, they are very surprised by this and a bit nervous about riding in the traffic lane. No, there isn't a lot of traffic on most of the rural roads, but the traffic that is there tends to be 55 mph or faster, and Bubba and Bubbette driving pickups and monster SUVs tend not to be real understanding of lycra-clad bodies taking up "their" roads. It's a battle that seems to be impossible to win.

So, short of moving to a more bike-friendly place (not too easy with my job) or switching to mountain biking only, I'm just not sure how much more riding is in my future. I might be back with a vengeance next spring, but right now, I just don't know. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyway, sorry for the longwindedness. I just thought I'd check in in case anyone wonders where I am in the coming weeks. If you've made it this far, thanks. Wishing you all SAFE roads and understanding motorists....

Emily

[Veronica]

Oh Emilly!!!! I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. You have all my best wishes that I can send your way. Losing someone you love just sucks. I don't know how else to phrase it.

I do hope you get back on your bike soon. It's a silly phrase, but it's my phrase to get me through hard times. "Don't let the bad guys win." Anytime we let the creeps or idiots keep us from doing what we love - they win.

Take care of yourself and your TE family is always here - whether or not you're biking.


V.

[Yasmin]

Emily, I am so, so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. No amount of words can console the pain you must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.
It seems that you are in one of those phases in life that don't make sense. When every force seems to be against you. Hang in there kiddo! It WILL get better.
I know how uncaring car drivers can be. Cycling is a risky sport, especially when we don't have designated bike tracks like they do in some parts of Europe. Where I live we're lucky to have a painted line on the road to "keep us safe" from cars. I would be sad to hear that you've given up riding,but ultimately the choice can only be yours. Listen to that wonderful inner voice to guide you. This has always proven to be my best protection. I was knocked off my bike by a truck about 1 year ago. Luckily no other cars were coming along the adjacent lane & I was shaken, but not injured. The bike needed a bit of work only.
I extend support & love your way. I hope it's not too long before life is looking rosier for you. Love & hugs, Yasmin.xxx

[DeniseGoldberg]

Emily -
I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I hope that your good memories of him help comfort you, although I know that a memory is a sad replacement for someone you love. My thoughts are with you.

On the cycling front - please don't give it up. You're right, there are dangers in it, but there are really dangers in just about everything that we do. I often ride on roads without shoulders - and I ride as far into the driving lane as I need to be to feel safe. I am far enough out that the drivers know that they need to pull around me, although I do ride as close to the right side of the road as I feel I can be. I have no idea whether that helps or not. If you love cycling as much as I do - and I sense that you do - please don't let yourself get scared away from it. Of course the most important thing is to listen to yourself, and if you need a break from cycling - take it. Hopefully some day in the future it will feel right to you again.

--- Denise

[SadieKate]

Emily, I cannot even fathom your grief and heartache. My heart goes out to you. Life is full of cycles and changes and sometimes you must just go with the flow. Solace is found is so many different ways, each unique to the person.

As Veronica said, we are here to listen and help whether you are riding or not.

Sarah

[pkq]

Emily, you have my condolences on the loss of your father. The pain of losing parents is a very difficult emotion to cope with. Those are special bonds of the longest standing relationships for us. Time does heal the wound and time will heal yours, too.

As for cycling, I agree with Veronica and the other ladies. We can get the guys get us down, we take risks every day, etc.

Our days are numbered anyway, so make the most of them and live fearlessly.

[Trekhawk]

Emily - my thoughts are with you and your family. I cant imagine how hard this must be for you all. Take each day as it comes and maybe when spring arrives you will be ready to get back on your bike.

[runner2]

Thinking of you with special thoughts, and prayers during this time of sorrow.

Emily, please take all the time you need, in this moment, the TIME is your best healer, we will always be here for you, and you know you are tougher than you think.....

[Pax]

Emily, my heart goes out to you in this time of unbearable sorrow.

[wavedancer]

Emily,
My heart goes out to you in your grief. How sad to lose your father so suddenly.I hope you give yourself the time to grieve and heal, however long and in whatever form it takes. Listen to your instincts regarding when to get on the bike again, and know that you have many friends supporting you with love and prayers.

Linda

[sydney_b]

Terribly sorry to hear about your loss. Makes my heart ache to think of it.

On the biking front, only you can decide. I know I'd be strongly tempted to move if location kept me from doing something I loved.

/s

[bluerider]

Emily,

My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family during this difficult time. I can't fathom the thought of losing my dad and can only imagine the pain you are going through. Your TE family is here to listen and support you.

As for riding, ultimately the choice is yours but I hope you don't give it up. Don't let others dictate how you want to enjoy your life. From your posts, you sound very passionate about this sport that binds all on this forum together. Don't let them win. I hope you'll keep on riding.

Sue

[Pedal Wench]

Oh, Emily. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I have both of my parents, and I can't ever think what it would be like to lose them, especially if it was sudden.

Listen to your heart. You'll know what is best for you and your body. However, after following your struggle to return to the bike after the dog incident, I hate to see you throw it away. So, put the bike away for now, but don't shut the door.

Take this time for yourself. I feel so sad for your situation.

Leslie

[jeannierides]

Emily, I can't find the words to express how I am feeling right now. My own dear sweet dad died, not of an accident, but it may as well have been...he had a massive heart attack that killed him instantly ~ 12 years ago, and I am still not over it. His death rocked my world so much, that I ended my marriage & although I am grateful for where I landed...sent me on a *ride* that I would rather not have taken. I miss him to this day, and in an instant can bring back the exact moment that I got *the call* regarding his death ~ and all the feelings around it.
The good thing is that I got through it. The going through it was too hard for words to express, but I came out of that dark decade a better person.
Give yourself time ~ and it sometimes takes a long time ~ but try not to make any rash decisions. Feel what you need to feel ~ but don't feel guilty. Celebrate the life he had, and the inspiration he was to you and your family. Don't let his death paralyze you...let it inspire you...

love and prayers~~J

[Trek420]

Emily, my heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad just under 2 years ago. It's always hard. You know me, I'm not religious in any traditional sense so this probably sounds odd from me but...your Dad will always be watching over you.

I know mine is.

I hope you find a way back to the sport you love, and if you don't nobody could fault you at least a break given all you've gone through.

Cars take strangers we feel as if we know, they take our ride partners, a car took your Dad, this makes me so angry and sad.

I'm so sorry for your loss.