Shootingstar, I wonder if there is an east/west difference about how death and mourning is experienced? I know from other threads that some topics which were not talked about in my house were openly discussed in yours. I'm curious if this is one of those situations where what we think is appropriate is cultural, not universal?

You are absolutely not heartless! I have wondered the same thing about my bf's nephew, whose death is a mystery to us because his family didn't want to talk about it even to my bf, the deceased's uncle. His family thinks it's favorable to not talk about anything painful. His mother and I talk a lot about the weather. Another case, in an unusually deep conversation where my bf's mother told me she had had a mastectomy, she also told me not to tell her son, even though the operation was when he was a child, still living with her. This is probably an extreme example, but we suppress a lot in our family.