Bad husband! No nookie!

[DDH]

I consider my marriage a happy one. We argue once in a while, but shoot, I argue with my friends and siblings on occasion too.
I can tell you this, I would rather fight with him, than live without him.
I know that when you are fighting,(not literal), it always feels like the end, and you feel like, why do I bother but once it's over, if it wasn't a deal breaker I mean, then you wonder, why did I let that affect me so bad. At least I do that. I admit that it's not perfect, but nothing is.
He is a jerk at times, but so am I. I certainly wouldn't want to date or find a new one. The grass is not always greener on the other side and you might find what you had was worth having once you lose it. Of course the opposite could be true also. I'm just happy enough not to want to try to find out.

[Crankin]

We disagree on things, and may have a heated discussion, but these are not usually about important things. The big stuff, well, I decided a long time ago that I needed to be with someone who was on the same page about the important things. I also think that as the years have gone on, my husband has become more like me in some things, mostly attitudes/values. Of course, I became like him, when I started cycling; not that we didn't get along before that, but because of cycling, we spend almost all of our free time together. Sometimes we are with others, as we do have an active social life, but not always. Before that, I was always going to the gym very early in the AM, before work, not to disrupt family time and he barely exercised until 1998.
MY DH is from a very dysfunctional family and I think he learned a lot about what he didn't want to be like from observing them, especially his father. When we were first married, he spent a lot of time with my parents and I think it was his first experience with non-judgmental people. It worked. I would never call him a jerk, because he never acts like one. If he ever does something I don't like, I just tell him and I try to be calm, because he spent too many years getting called a jerk, moron, a**hole, etc by his dad.
I judge the quality of our relationship by the way my adult sons treat their girlfriends. A very good barometer!

[Biciclista]

another happy marriage here, 31 years. It didn't start happy, and I actually threw him out more than once, but people can learn, and people can change, and two people committed to having a good healthy relationship can make a crapshoot marriage into a wonderful marriage.

Neither of us are perfect, we argue, make mistakes, he yells (I rarely yell) but we together continue to try to make our marriage better. It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

So very true!

[lph]

another happy marriage here, 31 years. It didn't start happy, and I actually threw him out more than once, but people can learn, and people can change, and two people committed to having a good healthy relationship can make a crapshoot marriage into a wonderful marriage.

Neither of us are perfect, we argue, make mistakes, he yells (I rarely yell) but we together continue to try to make our marriage better. It's a work in progress, it's like a treasured plant, or even a baby. you have to take care of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Best thing I've read today, mimi. Nice.

[arielmoon]

Not that I'm an expert or anything but I do want to share a bit of my experience because I think it relates directly to these issues.

I was with my husband as a couple for 17 years. 9 cohabitating and 8 married. I left him September last year. What I've learned since I've left is that I did not express my needs or wants clearly with him. I would tell him something, he would blow it off and since I have always believed that the only persons behaviour you can change is your own, I modified my behaviour and would never express to him how his behaviour affected me. In my mind, I couldn't change him and I shouldn't expect him to. He is what he is. Eventually I had to leave because I couldn't live with him with things the way they were.

Since we have separated, he has told me so many times that he is so disappointed that I did not communicate what was bothering me well enough to give him a chance to realize how dire things were and to give him a chance to change.

I don't regret my decision. I think there were a lot of reasons that our marriage was not meant to last, though it was very good for many years. But I have learned that expressing exactly what it is that you need or want is very important. I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly. That means asking for what you want AND when things like this are going on, telling them how that made you feel and what your expectations were. And give the guy a chance to change. Maybe you have to remind him periodically... but don't we all need reminders about some things?

My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

Wow this sounds so much like my marriage. Together 14 years married for only 4.

Unfortunately I find myself in a similar situation with a decent guy. This one though, says he wants to change and wants me to help him change but I dont want to be a nag ("how much did that cost?" "we didnt really need that!" "how many nights have you eaten out?" "If you would stop eating crap you might be a better cyclist!" "Just because they are vegan cookies doesnt mean they are fair game!") so I just try to ignore things until I find that I just cant stand to be around him.

Man I sound like such a (b)witch, where is my broom?

I am considering seeing a therapist cause I cant decide if I would be walking away from a good thing or doing the right thing.

[Biciclista]

Wahine, your new bf gave you great advice!

[tulip]

Wahine, your post is wonderful. I went through much the same with my marriage (together 17 years, married 13). I also am the one who left, for many reasons, but most of those reasons can be linked to communication issues. I, too, am happier now, but of course there is and always will be sadness at what could have been (but was not). Thanks.

Arielmoon, seeing a counselor really benefitted me, and I recommend it to anyone who will listen.

[Wahine]

Wahine, your new bf gave you great advice!

Yeah. And he rides a bike like a daemon.

We were friends before I was separated and it was actually the fact that he, as my friend only and with no expectations, treated me better and with more sensitivity than my husband did that made me reevaluate what I wanted. I thought long and hard about my decision to leave and it was the scariest thing I have ever done. But almost exactly one year later, I am very proud of myself for making a decision that ultimately is better for both of us and doing it in a responsible adult manner that has allowed my ex and I to still be friends and have an ongoing positive relationship, albeit a very different one.

So now I'm on a new path and I intend to work really hard to make this last as long as it's healthy for both of us.