Bad husband! No nookie!

[Tri Girl]

Hugs to all of you dealing with stressful marriages or break-ups of marriage. I pray it gets better (whatever that may be for you).

Karen- I would have been upset, too. Even tho I would have done the same as you (go on- I'm fine), I still would have liked for him to call and check on me if I wasn't home when he got home. Even tho you may not have been crystal clear, it would have been nice for him to at least see if you were OK since you weren't home.
I guess it's a good thing, but my DH doesn't stress if I'm not home when I say I'll be. One time I was an hour later than I told him I'd be on my bike ride, and he didn't even think twice about it. If it were the other way around, I'd have been calling him to see if he was OK. I guess we really ARE from two different planets.

[mudmucker]

I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly.

Yes! This has been my experience in communicating with men exactly. And I have been dating for 32 years.

We've had, and do have, serious financial issues, and recently he's decided that he's not feeling connected enough to me to continue trying to make our marriage work.

It's breaking my heart.

Ach. Gosh you guys. Now one more...

{{{Tuckerville}}} and {{{Limewave}}} and {{{Channnlluv}}}

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

But I have learned that expressing exactly what it is that you need or want is very important. I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly....
...My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

Yes, that policy works very well for my husband and me. We are very clear with each other, going both ways. We've worked hard at doing this, and it's worth it. No one can be expected to be a mind reader.

[Mr. Bloom]

indigoiis +1

FWIW: Silver feels very capable when she's on the road and gets upset if I get concerned. She'll call if she needs help...but it's hard for me to NOT do what you expected Mr. T to do...but I would have gotten the dickens if I did

As mysterious as men may be to women...sometimes vice versa applies as well

[OakLeaf]

No advice, just hugs to all three of you.

[Kris]

Hugs to all three of you from me too.

The first year we were married, (33 years ago) I had to give DH some serious lessons in apologizing. He didn't think it was necessary, or didn't want to admit that much fault, or something. I insisted that he apologize for problems. The one I specifically remember was him coming home hours later than expected. He thought the explanation of what he had been doing was enough, no apology needed. Wrong. So then he knew that he was supposed to apologize when he messed up, but he'd say something like, "I'm sorry you got upset about it." Arrrrgghhh! That was even worse, because it seemed to be putting the blame on me. It took several lessons, plus some modeling on my part, but eventually he started getting it right, and now we can laugh about it. He would never buy a truck without getting to consensus, though. That's a whole nother situation, and I agree it needs some professional help.

[MartianDestiny]

indigoiis +1

FWIW: Silver feels very capable when she's on the road and gets upset if I get concerned. She'll call if she needs help...but it's hard for me to NOT do what you expected Mr. T to do...but I would have gotten the dickens if I did

As mysterious as men may be to women...sometimes vice versa applies as well

I'm the same way as Silver apparently. If I don't call you and say "call 911" or "come get me", or I don't leave specific instructions to "call if you don't hear from me by XXX", then I'm fine, leave me the heck alone and don't you DARE call and ask "still ok?". I can take care of my own darn self.

I feel for Tuckerville. Obviously we all work differently and there was a combination of communication failure and a "brain fall out of head" moment and it's unfortunate.

Small wonder men don't get us though

[Grog]

Big slow hugs to the three of you. Much love and courage your way.

[indigoiis]

I DO think men and women think differently. My husband often has no clue when I am upset or disappointed in him - and when I back him into a corner over a little misunderstanding, it usually results in no change, only more disappointment. So I get it. I try to be clear and try to give him some peace, and some slack, and he generally tries to be more considerate (because I have asked him to be.)

I love the following story. It's funny but it is also very true.

---

The Differences Between Men and Women
> --------------------------------------
>
> Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
> asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
> few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
> themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
> while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
>
> And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
> Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
> realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
> six months?"
>
> And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
> loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him
> that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
> relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
> obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
>
> And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
>
> And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
> relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
> I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
> the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
> going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
> intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
> lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
> really even know this person?
>
> And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ...
> February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
> car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ...
> Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
>
> And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
> I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
> relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
> even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
> I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
> his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
>
> And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
> transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
> shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
> weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
> thing is shifting like a stinking garbage truck, and I paid those
> incompetent thieves $600.
>
> And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
> angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
> can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
>
> And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
> warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
>
> And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
> knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
> next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
> I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
> person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
> fantasy.
>
> And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
> a worthless warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up
> their .... .
>
> "Roger," Elaine says aloud.
>
> "What?" says Roger, startled.
>
> "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
> beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh God, I
> feel so ... so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
>
> "What?" says Roger.
>
> "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
> really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
> horse."
>
> "There's no horse?" says Roger.
>
> "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
>
> "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
>
> "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.
>
> (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
> tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
> that he thinks might work.)
>
> "Yes," he says.
>
> (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
>
> "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
>
> "What way?" says Roger.
>
> "That way about time," says Elaine.
>
> "Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
>
> (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
> to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
> involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
>
> "Thank you, Roger," she says.
>
> "Thank you," says Roger.
>
> Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
> tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
> his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
> becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two
> Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses
> of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in
> the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
> understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
> about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
>
> The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
> them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
> In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
> everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
> word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
> every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
> subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
> definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
>
> Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
> friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
> say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

[beccaB]

Something's in the air . . .

I feel your pain. My DH has been sleeping on the couch for a week. I found out last week that he's been keeping something (something hurtful) from me for almost our entire marriage! How could I be so stupid?

Then he starts apologizing left and right, says he's trying to change, be a better husband to me but he needs my help . . . an I start to soften.

And that DAY he goes and buys himself an obscenely expensive diesel engine truck that he KNEW I was adamantly against buying! We don't NEED it. We can't AFFORD it. We only had two years left to pay on our old truck and I said we could look at new one's then . . . But he had to sell it now, and we took a $5000 loss on it. SERIOUSLY. We are in the worst recession in a 100 years, we have no savings, we are struggling to pay our bills--and he thinks the best decision for our family is to completely max out our credit? Dumb*ss.

And once again he starts apologizing, says he knows he screwed up, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's really easy to say that after he's already gotten what he wants.

I'm with you on the inconsiderateness. I don't really want to start a husband bashing thread. But I feel crushed. Demolished.

I gave DH back my wedding ring. And to top it off . . . I think I'm pg again.

It must be a Michigan thing. Everyone is depressed.

[ClockworkOrange]

Hey guys, things are no different the other side of the world!

I so wish I could come up with some sensible answers but I cannot, although many people have written some good stuff on here.

My heart really does go out to you, Tuckerville, Limewave and Channnlluv.

I was married for 18 years and had similar problems and if I had that time over again, I am not so sure I would know how to do things any differently!

Just take good care of yourselves and perhaps try and talk about everything together.

Hugs

Clock

[wannaduacentury]

EDIT: I see that you mentioned that he did not read the text so he did not know you were at your friend's. Ah, well, sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. Next time, you'll know to be more specific. We cannot control what people do, we can only control our responses to what they do.

+1
Well said Tulip. Unfortunately, sometimes we do have to spell out what we want. I wish we could all be mindreaders, but it is not to be. Her husband should also work on being more considerate.

{{Limewave}}I'm really sorry for your struggle. In this economy, and the way it puts stress on people w/ the unemployment and mortgage crisis, we're just all trying to hold on to what we have. Sometimes, the only thing I can figure is someone just wants to feel better by buying something manly and expensive/materialistic to make them feel better and in more control of their situation and their perception of their place in the world. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do-go out on a spending spree. You're supposed to be a team and a team works together. I understand that you feel a trust has been broken. I'll keep you in my prayers. Jenn

[Selkie]

..... Recognizing that you cannot and will not change someone is the key. Can you live with what the things you want to change or can you learn to accept them?

I didn't clearly articulate what I meant: you can't MAKE someone change. Therefore, sometimes you either have to accept the behavior or move on.

Both my husband and I have changed a good deal since we met. We have been fortunate that we've grown together and have not had any insurmountable differences. Basic respect for each other is the key and of course, trying to live by the golden rule.

[indigoiis]

I heard this quote recently - forgive me for paraphrasing... an old woman was asked what was the secret to her glorious 50+ year marriage and she stuck her tongue out, and then said, "see all the bite marks?"

[deedolce]

Indigoiis, I love that bit written by that Barry guy! I'm such an 'Elaine' it isn't funny!

Communication is something I'm REALLY working on, and it's not easy for me. This thread is really hard to read for that reason, seeing all sides and everyone has a point! How much do you cut the hubby some slack and when IS it a big enough deal to bring up to talk about it? What happens when logically you know and understand his actions, and it's not a big deal like Tuckerville posted, but if it bothers her and makes her angry, then why isn't it a BIG DEAL with caps? Do you go by situation or emotions to grade the importance to 'work it out' with your spouse and spend the energy and time to hash it out?

Hugs to all of you that are going through heartache, in such difficult times.