Bad husband! No nookie!

[Eden]

Dare I be devil's advocate and point out that you had a phone.... you could have called him and asked for a ride home at any point.

[Tuckervill]

Dare I be devil's advocate and point out that you had a phone.... you could have called him and asked for a ride home at any point.

He wouldn't have answered it. He didn't read the text. The only thing he could have done differently was to THINK a little harder when he discovered I still wasn't home. Prior to that point, we were both operating on certain assumptions, and there's no fault involved. If I had called he wouldn't have even known until he was out of the shower (which is another problem all together).

Karen

[tulip]

I understand you are angry...but it seems like you are angry because he didn't do what you wanted him to do, yet it seems like you gave the opposite signals.

You said "Go on for your ride"

You texted him from your friend's saying you were there. You did not mention if you said in your text that you would like a ride home, but I assume you did not. It seems reasonable that he would have figured you were hanging out and would come home afterwards.

It also seems reasonable that if you wanted a ride, you could have asked for one when you texted him.

But I get it...he should have known. It's hard to realize that sometimes we have to actually say what we want.

EDIT: I see that you mentioned that he did not read the text so he did not know you were at your friend's. Ah, well, sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. Next time, you'll know to be more specific. We cannot control what people do, we can only control our responses to what they do.

[indigoiis]

Hey, just chiming in...

If you could turn the clock back and have this scene play out differently, how would you have it play out? Think it through from beginning to end, including the interaction and all of the conversation, and see what he and you might have done differently to avoid you feeling hurt.

Write it down and then read it, and think about what it is that you really wanted. Oftentimes it was not the obvious thing we thought we wanted.

[Pax]

(((((Limeweave))))) So sorry about your situation, sounds just miserable.

[Tuckervill]

Oh, I know what I really wanted. I wanted him to be concerned enough for my safety that when he noticed I wasn't home, yet (which would be a red flag for me and I would have called him), knowing that I was only walking a mile and he was riding 20, and it should have taken him longer than it did me had I not stopped, that he should have the sense of curiousity to at least CHECK his phone, and if he hadn't heard from me at all to give me a call to find out if I was alright.

He was just being a bonehead. Sometimes he "checks out" at home and I have to remind him that he is a part of the household. This is a symptom of it beginning to happen again. I love my husband, and we didn't fight about it--we discussed it, and he forgot to apologize, and after almost 20 years of marriage I shouldn't have to ask for a little consideration.

It is a (small letters) big deal to me but not enough to make a BIG DEAL out of it with him, and talking it over here is helping to excise the aggravation. I'll get over it.

Karen

[Blueberry]

Karen- Glad you're feeling better about it. I'd be aggravated too - if I'm not where someone expects me, it's always nice if they call and check. Vent away.

Limewave - it really sounds from your post here (and from some of your previous posts about your relationship) that you have some very serious issues going on. I have to echo what others have said - please seek the help of a professional - for you and for your kids!

CA

[wannaduacentury]

EDIT: I see that you mentioned that he did not read the text so he did not know you were at your friend's. Ah, well, sometimes things don't work out like we want them to. Next time, you'll know to be more specific. We cannot control what people do, we can only control our responses to what they do.

+1
Well said Tulip. Unfortunately, sometimes we do have to spell out what we want. I wish we could all be mindreaders, but it is not to be. Her husband should also work on being more considerate.

{{Limewave}}I'm really sorry for your struggle. In this economy, and the way it puts stress on people w/ the unemployment and mortgage crisis, we're just all trying to hold on to what we have. Sometimes, the only thing I can figure is someone just wants to feel better by buying something manly and expensive/materialistic to make them feel better and in more control of their situation and their perception of their place in the world. I'm not saying it's the right thing to do-go out on a spending spree. You're supposed to be a team and a team works together. I understand that you feel a trust has been broken. I'll keep you in my prayers. Jenn

[Selkie]

Marriage is such hard work.... sigh.

Limewave, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know what to tell you but I'm sending you lots of hugs.

I think Tulip is a smart cookie about the need for clear communication in relationships. DH and I just hit the 21 years of marriage mark last weekend---the road hasn't always been smooth but it has given both of us ample opportunity to grow and become better people/partners. Recognizing that you cannot and will not change someone is the key. Can you live with what the things you want to change or can you learn to accept them?

[Wahine]

Not that I'm an expert or anything but I do want to share a bit of my experience because I think it relates directly to these issues.

I was with my husband as a couple for 17 years. 9 cohabitating and 8 married. I left him September last year. What I've learned since I've left is that I did not express my needs or wants clearly with him. I would tell him something, he would blow it off and since I have always believed that the only persons behaviour you can change is your own, I modified my behaviour and would never express to him how his behaviour affected me. In my mind, I couldn't change him and I shouldn't expect him to. He is what he is. Eventually I had to leave because I couldn't live with him with things the way they were.

Since we have separated, he has told me so many times that he is so disappointed that I did not communicate what was bothering me well enough to give him a chance to realize how dire things were and to give him a chance to change.

I don't regret my decision. I think there were a lot of reasons that our marriage was not meant to last, though it was very good for many years. But I have learned that expressing exactly what it is that you need or want is very important. I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly. That means asking for what you want AND when things like this are going on, telling them how that made you feel and what your expectations were. And give the guy a chance to change. Maybe you have to remind him periodically... but don't we all need reminders about some things?

My new BF has told me to NEVER assume that he has any idea what I want or need and that he'd much rather me tell him clearly so that he can be the best he can be for me. I think that's a pretty good policy.

[DDH]

Well the way I see it, she expressed herself as to what she wanted, but the circumstances changed after they departed from each others company.

I agree that when he came home and saw that you were not there yet, he should have (in my opinion) called you to see where you were at the least.
I would think he would have been concerned about why you weren't home yet. Especially since he did not get your text.
Basically the way I see it, he owes you a heartfelt apology.

Unfortunately, Most Men, tend to be self serving first and then think about others, where Women tend to think of others first and then think about themselves, if there is time left to think about themselves.
This difference in behavior leads to many a fight between couples. Women think "why doesn't he think about me", and men think "ah she said she would be fine, I'm going to take a shower".

[Crankin]

I am going to play the devil's advocate, too. It seems like this is a communication problem. Nobody can be expected to "know" what you want them to do, unless you explicitly tell them. We all have different communication styles and the way we learn to use them is from our family of origin.
I don't buy this "men are this way, women are that way" thing. We are all different. My husband does not automatically think of himself first, but on the other hand, I can categorically say that I don't put others first all the time, either. Women are socialized to do that... whether it's right or wrong, is up for us each to decide, but I decided a long time ago that taking care of myself was the most important thing I could do. This was after a horrible first marriage that wrecked my self esteem and sanity. You may think this is selfish, but if I didn't take care of me, than what good would I be as a partner or a parent?
Since I am coming upon my 30th anniversary, I think my strategy has worked.
I also think Limewave and Tuckerville know what they need to do; it might not be easy, but they are on the right track.

[channlluv]

{{{Tuckerville}}} and {{{Limewave}}}

I can relate to both your stories. D*H and I have had a really rocky road the last several years. We've been together for 15, married for 14. We have one beautiful daughter, but I've lost three to miscarriage, and there were two more positive home tests, but they didn't last long enough to be counted as official pregnancies.

We've had, and do have, serious financial issues, and recently he's decided that he's not feeling connected enough to me to continue trying to make our marriage work. Maybe he's right. Marriage is really, really hard sometimes.

It's breaking my heart. So yeah, I get both of you.

Here's to an easier path home for all of us.

Roxy

[Tri Girl]

Hugs to all of you dealing with stressful marriages or break-ups of marriage. I pray it gets better (whatever that may be for you).

Karen- I would have been upset, too. Even tho I would have done the same as you (go on- I'm fine), I still would have liked for him to call and check on me if I wasn't home when he got home. Even tho you may not have been crystal clear, it would have been nice for him to at least see if you were OK since you weren't home.
I guess it's a good thing, but my DH doesn't stress if I'm not home when I say I'll be. One time I was an hour later than I told him I'd be on my bike ride, and he didn't even think twice about it. If it were the other way around, I'd have been calling him to see if he was OK. I guess we really ARE from two different planets.

[mudmucker]

I am generalizing but I have to say that I think that men tend not to be as intuitive as women are and simply will not "get it" unless you spell it out very clearly.

Yes! This has been my experience in communicating with men exactly. And I have been dating for 32 years.

We've had, and do have, serious financial issues, and recently he's decided that he's not feeling connected enough to me to continue trying to make our marriage work.

It's breaking my heart.

Ach. Gosh you guys. Now one more...

{{{Tuckerville}}} and {{{Limewave}}} and {{{Channnlluv}}}