I have a crappy Schwinn floor pump that, for the life of me, I could not figure out how to use when I first got it. I actually googled "crap schwinn floor pump" and found several topics dealing with the very issue I was having. (Turns out you gotta really cram the head of the pump down onto the tube valve in order to get a good seal.) I still use the pump 'cause I'm too cheap to buy a decent one, but it works okay now that I've gotten the hang of it.

Don't fret -- you are not lame, and you are not alone!