Racism

[shootingstar]

Another thing is my boyfriend has been acting suspicious. He keeps asking me why she and I don't hang out anymore. I hate to tell him because he already deals with this kind of crap at his job. I don't see a need to make him upset because I am upset about it. He's had a lot of stress lately at work and he works long hours so I am reluctant to tell him about why she and I aren't riding buds any longer. I know how he is and something like that will really eat at him.

I will agree with some of you that yes I am a bit ignorant when it comes to being observant about racism. With my morals and what makes me who I am it still shocks and horrifies me that racism right here in my little bubble of existence lives today. I guess I also expect the younger generation to be better than previous ones.

Just a comment re your boyfriend's reaction and later: You can merely explain why in a low key way and not make a big deal about it. And remind him that you have other close friends that you trust. (I assume that you do. ) 'Cause really, he already has dealt with much worse racist stuff and he probably knows far worse stuff with other interracial couples.

He just hasn't the energy to describe all that he has experienced to you. On this latter point, I have to say I haven't described every incident in my life to my partner (who's of German descent). He just knows the key crap.

As for younger generation being better, yes they can be but it depends on their exposures from family, friends, and media. Sometimes the problem is that certain historical racist crap is NOT taught in the school where the young can learn from our past mistakes.

I gotta go cycling now and may respond later when I read Wiindingrd.'s latest post above.

[Trek420]

If you ask 1,000 gay people you will get 1,001 opinions (the 1 being me changing my mind). I'm guessing your fine flamboyant fabulous friend has faced this before. I'm guessing your DBF has seen, heard, felt the hurt of racism before.

Both are painful but no surprise other than in this case the source, someone you thought of as a friend.

In the words of my maternal grandmother "better you should open your mouth and I know how you feel then keep it shut and I don't know" or she said something like that in heavily Polish accented English. Something like "well, at least now we know where the idiot stands".

What to do? I feel she's free to have her opinion, we all are. And we do all have prejudice, it's what we choose to do about it that counts.

I can't tell you what to do personally with this gal. I like to hang around with those who share common values and dreams. We don't agree on everything but we can talk and learn from each other. Lunch and rides with her ... it all depends.

Can you forget what she said? Better can you talk with her about it?

In a business sense her right to have prejudice against a group ends when she mistreats a client or a coworker. And I feel that's regardless of local, regional law or company policy.

Turn her back and walk away from a gay customer, make a comment after she thinks another leaves ... mistreat an individual or group and the word gets around. Customers vote with their feet and take their money elsewhere. Remember the nationwide Denny's boycott anyone?

One day I was picking up lunch at an eatery nearby work as the waiter ignored a black couple to the point it was obvious; she was taking the orders of everyone around them at the counter, even ignoring my offer "take their order, they were here before me!".

The eatery is still there but word got around.

I don't know how big your company is, is it possible to say without pinpointed her that you are aware of possible discrimination of customers and just get a reminder, training out there "hey, in this economy everyones money is just as green and we treat everyone well. We do it because it's the law, we do it because it's office policy, and we do it because it's the right thing to do. We treat each customer as we would like to be treated"

[Biciclista]

So to finish Trek's point, it is GOOD for your boss to know that this woman is mistreating customers, even subtly. Because it is not good for BUSINESS.

[beccaB]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

[Biciclista]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

EW!!
It's been a long time for me, but i have been in the same position, getting nasties from some boor who didn't notice that i was what they were putting down. Or maybe they did notice.

[beccaB]

What's really scary is the kids. Bigot kids. Someone said the young were less affected by predjudice, but I see it every day on my school bus. Misconceptions too. One kid thinks all jews look a certain way. I politely informed him of my blond haired and blue eyed jewish ancestors from Russia. I like it when I can change a kids perception, but the out and out hatred is hard to deal with.

[Trek420]

the out and out hatred is hard to deal with.

Yeah, I wonder where they learned that?

Thank you for speaking up. Little by little this is how change occurs.

10 ways to stamp out hate:

www.tolerance.org/10_ways/index.html

[TxDoc]

One of my coworkers says to me: "I can't help it I'm slightly racist" when presented with a non-white customer.

Wow!
I am amazed. A 'slightly racist' comment like that about a patient or coworker could get her fired on the spot in our hospital. Our institution has a zero-tolerance policy for any kind of discrimination - gender, class, race, language, sexual orientation, age... They even have a dedicated office for diversity, and are very attentive to any sign of possible discrimination - to make sure that it is shut down right away. I am very surprised that someone thinks she can make a comment like that out loud and get away with it.

[Trek420]

Our institution has a zero-tolerance policy for any kind of discrimination - gender, class, race, language, sexual orientation, age... They even have a dedicated office for diversity

Good to hear. Substandard care in a hospital based on any group could result in death. It was not that long ago that people could die because they were unable to get to a hospital that would accept a black patient for example.

My employer has an EEO policy covering covering all that and more: veteran status, disability .... we have company sponsored employee groups including for women, east asian, gay, black, hispanic, several Christian groups, Islamic, disabled employee groups, veterans and yes .... a cycling group

Rated No. 2 in the Top 50 Companies for Diversity, Top Honor for Outstanding Support of Women- and Minority-Owned Businesses, consistently on HRC's top list for inclusion and diversity, one of if not the first telco with domestic partner bennies.

We are covered every year twice a year on the EEO policy and three times if someone really blows it . That discussion tends to head off most issues and also makes it a great place to work.

But a small company could do this too.

[crazycanuck]

Hmm..Perhaps the OP's "friend" should go & watch " Guess who's coming to dinner"

[teigyr]

Did you ask her if that's why she stopped riding with you?

It seems to me that she was being fairly blunt and (though nobody agrees with her admission), honest. Yes, she is wrong. For the fact she admitted it either means she doesn't realize it's wrong, or she doesn't care.

I think just about everybody has some kind of prejudice. It doesn't make it ok or good but identifying the prejudice is a larger step than most people are willing to make.

A lot of people here bash certain political parties. Or political viewpoints. (Yes, speaks me the conservative republican ) For those people I've opened up to, oddly enough we share (yeah, even the more liberal people) almost the exact same viewpoints. This might not be the same as judging someone by their skin color but blind disdain for a group without looking at people as individuals is wrong. We all do it, however.

So, I would just talk to her. Hashing it out here does nothing and doesn't change her opinion or help your hurt, really. It's not your job to make her "see the light" but who knows, it might open her eyes to something she didn't realize.

Dunno. Could be I'm getting cranky but everyone has preconceived notions about something. It's all on whether we admit them and what we do with them. She's halfway there.

[IFjane]

My favorite quote from Wade Davis:

"The world in which you were born is just one model of reality. Other cultures (substitute races, religions, etc.) are not failed attempts at being you; they are unique manifestations of the human spirit."

Available, along with lots of other great stuff (including some cycling-themed items) at: http://syracuseculturalworkers.com/

[MartianDestiny]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

Sometimes the embarrassed, stunned look on their face when they realize they've really screwed up has to be enough.

My college roommate my sophomore year spent two weeks griping about what horrible people and Christians Catholics and "protestants" (by that she meant Lutherans and Episcopals exclusively) where and how they had everything wrong as she wrote her final paper for a religion class (on the subject of what horrible people they were; I hope that got her a really bad grade...).

I kept my mouth shut on grounds of having to live with her for a few more months. Sweet redemption came with the horrified and embarrassed look on her face when she came by to say hi on Ash Wednesday and saw the cross on my forehead.

She never spoke to me again, but the look on her face was retribution enough for me.

[bmccasland]

Is "slighly prejudiced" anything like "a little bit pregnant?"

Said co-worker can choose whether or not to bike ride with whom she chooses for whatever reason floats her boat, but as it's been pointed out, it is bad for her boss's business if she is treating the customers poorly because they are not members of the right skin color or religion club. There are laws covering that. If she wants to keep her job, she'd better grin and bear it, and treat ALL the customers the same. Either be pleasant to everyone or be cold to everyone.