Racism

[salsabike]

But see that's the problem. If we only speak out when it costs us nothing, then we're rarely going to speak out. In keeping silent, we become complicit in the underlying fill-in-the-blank-ism. And if we only spoke out when when were assured of changing somebody's mind, I doubt we'd speak up much then, either. The act of saying "no" counts for something IMO, even if it changes nothing in reality.

I'm not suggesting that she rip this coworker a new one, but there is a way to politely, but firmly, communicate an intolerance for such things or, in the very least, to put a personal face to the issue. And most employers know better than to fire someone for speaking out against racism. They'll find themselves on the other end of the lawsuit if they're not careful. Plus, there's nothing in the OP's question that suggests this coworker is her boss or that she'd get in trouble if she complained to management. Heck, it's very possible that management would appreciate that kind of a head's up. I know I would if I owned a business.

Agreed.

[Duck on Wheels]

Out of curiosity, beyond thinking at first that it was a joke, have you thought about confronting your coworker about her comment and/or reporting it to management? I agree that racism, while common, is ugly and wrong, but silence in the face of racism (or gay bashing, sexism, etc.) can be just as wrong as the racism itself. You have to be prepared to speak out against it.

I don't know that reporting this to management is the way to go. After all, the feelings aren't illegal, only the actions. Also, I've been down that route once and it wasn't a pretty one. I wound up losing my job; the racist kept hers. I think what I would do in this case is to start a conversation with her, something along the lines of what's been said here: Racism is widespread. All of us probably have some prejudice or other, probably more than just one! Few of us are self-aware on that point. So she is to be congratulated on recognizing her feelings and being aware that they are not entirely acceptable. But she's wrong that there's nothing she can do about them. People with arachnophobia can cure themselves by learning to be around spiders. People with a fear of heights learn to deal with that, or with a fear of public spaces, or enclosed spaces. She knows she's racist; she knows it's wrong. Next step is to confront her own fears and prejudices by getting to know some people she up to now has feared and scorned. You know some good folks she will otherwise never have the privilege of getting to know. How about telling her that if she's ready to get over her racism, you're willing to help.

[Ana]

Out of curiosity, beyond thinking at first that it was a joke, have you thought about confronting your coworker about her comment and/or reporting it to management? I agree that racism, while common, is ugly and wrong, but silence in the face of racism (or gay bashing, sexism, etc.) can be just as wrong as the racism itself. You have to be prepared to speak out against it.

I am often caught so off guard and so offended/appalled that I am speechless (i.e. I'm baffled, thinking "did s/he just really say that out loud?!?")

I need to work on "I do not appreciate your comment about [insert subject here]" on cue

Oftentimes, those people lack feedback from others because many people are too timid to say anything about it.

Also, if your co-worker is so shallow that finding out that you have an African American, she abandons you (and disrespects you by not responding to your inquiries), then she is probably not worth your time. One of the things I love most about my friends is that they support me and love me, no matter what

[indysteel]

As far as management's interest in the situation, it would probably be helpful to know the context a bit more. Did she offer this customer substandard service because of his/her race? Was there ANY CHANCE that another customer might have heard the comment? If the answer to either question is "yes" then that's something I think management would want to know or should know. I will admit that I sort of read the first possibility into the OP's question. Rereading it, however, that wasn't correct.

I will agree that with you that the comment is likely not actionable from a legal standpoint, at least not in isolation. However, comments like that can conceivably create a hostile work environment and from that standpoint, should not be tolerated or encouraged from a managerial standpoint.

[indysteel]

I am often caught so off guard and so offended/appalled that I am speechless (i.e. I'm baffled, thinking "did s/he just really say that out loud?!?")

I need to work on "I do not appreciate your comment about [insert subject here]" on cue

I don't think you're alone there. I've had to revisit conversations like that when I was too stunned to offer much of an immediate retort.

[shootingstar]

I don't know that reporting this to management is the way to go. After all, the feelings aren't illegal, only the actions. Also, I've been down that route once and it wasn't a pretty one. I wound up losing my job; the racist kept hers. I think what I would do in this case is to start a conversation with her, something along the lines of what's been said here: Racism is widespread.

Over the years, a person picks their battles to speak up directly. In other cases, just works with the person ..by being oneself and interacting with the person frequently on a less emotional plane.

In this situation, it is concerning a personal relationship, a possible friendship that soured rapidly but COULD escalate and spill over into the working relationships on the job. At this stage, the real effect is the employee's customer service or lack of to blacks.

Unless windingroad is a supervisor of her friend, she does not have the authority in the workplace to tell her friend/employee that this is not conducive to positive customer relations.

This is why like Duck, i would tend to approach it directly as how windingroad felt, on a personal level. Sometimes it is the most meaningful approach to the person who said negative/racist stuff.
____________________________________________
Each situation at work where there is a incident of racism, depends on the circumstances, parties involved and who has the authority to do something/set the tone for the department and whether or not something should be escalated to human resources, that is if human resources dept. or manager has a track record of listening/acting without harming the whistleblower (like what happened to Duckwheels).

It helps if the company has a written policy of a workplace that is treats one another with respect, and customers as valued etc.

Example #1
When the 9/11 attacks had just occurred in NYC, and we heard news of it, one of the employees in my dept., on that day, said in panicked way, "I hope we stop the Palestinians. I feel like going over there....etc." She was Jewish (short of being Orthodox). She said this to myself (her manager) and another employee working in same dept. I simply said: "You know, some of our Muslim employees may not appreciate what you just said." We all worked for an international firm that was high diverse in its employee composition in Toronto with overseas offices worldwide, including Muslim dominant countries. None of us knew at that time, it was the Taliban involved, etc.

That was all. It was intended as a reminder to her to check her comments. Did I report it to human resources? No. But she no longer made comments. It doesn't mean she might have changed her attitude about Israelis vs. Palestinians.

Example #2
I was told by another manager about a clerk, whom my dept. shared with another dept. Manager confidentially told me, she didn't think, given xxx's command of English, she could learn Microsoft Word and Excel...even though xxx had asked for this type of training so that she could take on wider range of work. xxx was a pleasant Filipino-Canadian who was with firm for 5 years in a low clerical position.

I was perturbed, but said nothing since I was still new to the firm and barely had time to know of this employee's real performance. I knew xxx enjoyed working for our dept. However I could not recommend this training for xxx, since her role in my dept. was limited to a few hrs. per wk. on other priority work. Then manager of other dept., moved to a different position. Replaced with a different manager. New manager did grant Microsoft Word and Excel training to xxxx whereby xxxx blossomed as an employee.

And so many other stories where racism is not just expressed, directly but embedded in attitude without namecalling/racist words but retards development of other employees who demonstrate real potential.

[Cataboo]

If she's actually mistreating or offering customers of another race lesser service - than yeah, complain to management. But if she's treating them equally, I don't think there's any reason to complain to management... saying, so and so doesn't like me anymore because she's racist and she doesn't like my boyfriend is really not something management can fix. Flat out telling the coworker that you're hurt by her behavior should be done... but I doubt it's going to make the coworker see the light.

I know I have friends that live in the middle areas of the country that are convinced racism doesn't exist and are shocked by it... while living in mostly caucasian areas... But I think because they see less of people of other races they don't have the same stereotypes. I remember being surprised at some of the race breakdown of the states that were for Obama vs. clinton or McCain - he had strong support in some predominantly white areas of the midwest.

[denny]

I think it's possible your friend is silent because she realized she stuck her foot in her mouth after discovering your boyfriend's race. She may simply be avoiding an uncomfortable conversation or yes, simply avoiding you.

This is one of the realities of interracial dating and you'll learn how to handle it along the way. Best approach in my opinion is to simply tell her your observations regarding her behavior toward since that statement and if she's uncomfortable with you. It may give you an opportunity to start a productive dialogue with her. If she gives you the sulky silent treatment then consider yourself lucky she no longer has the opportunity to spew her poison in your direction. Hope you find a new cycling buddy if the latter is the result.

[martaw]

I just have to vent this because it is making me soul sick. I had an uncomfortable thing happen to me the other day at work. One of my coworkers says to me: "I can't help it I'm slightly racist" when presented with a non-white customer. I didn't say anything because I was assuming she was making some sort of bad joke, well she never cracked a smile to elude to that conclusion. About a week and a half later it came up that my boyfriend is black and since making that discovery she has neglected to go riding with me or go out for food. In fact she has been very distant from me at work since. Is it possible that in this day and age I have ran across someone who is this out of touch with reality? This whole scenario makes my stomach ill and my brain dizzy, I really find it difficult to believe.

I totally understand where you're coming from, I come from a country which i 100% white, or at least was before I left 12 years ago. My husband is black we've met over here, I have so many issues with racism I meet almost every day, I kind of used to it now, I laugh at people, that are racist, you should too, obviously she was not a good person.
My husban doesn't want go places with me, or tells me not to tell people about him to make it easy on me, but he is the person I love and I chose to be ith so the rest mofo's can kiss my big white a## really!

I did not mean to hurt anybody by my post!

[Mr. Bloom]

I agree with all that's been said. But, I grew up in Alabama in the 60's and 70's and, while raised well, I've seen racism and hatred in person like many of you only witnessed on TV.

It is much better today (albeit not gone). I look at my kids and their friendships spanning racial and ethnic lines like nothing we've experienced before as a country. Sure, racism exists, but it's getting old and will eventually die.

I'm sorry for your experience and agree that you should confront it head on.

Just my 2 cents...

[Trek420]

I don't think you're alone there. I've had to revisit conversations like that when I was too stunned to offer much of an immediate retort.

Happens every day. I work in a call center in what some think of as the bluest of the blue states (liberal leaning CA). You'd be surprised or sadly maybe you wouldn't by what people say when they think the person they are talking to is white and straight.

I've learned to never say the origin of my unusual first name when asked "oooh, that's pretty, where's it from?" (it's Jewish). Reactions range from the hilarious
"oooooh, I just looooove Barbara. (cue music, here the caller sings) People, people who need people are the .... do you know her??? "
"yes M'am. All Jews know each other. Me n' Barbara we're like that"

to charmingly ignorant, to attempts to convert me to hateful and shocking.

The racism stuns me. It should not surprise by now but I'm still shocked. I've learned to perfect a long silence and mentally count off the seconds while the customer figures out I'm not reacting in the positive fashion expected.

Most can't imagine why I'm not responding positively to their trash because obviously I'm white so I agree, right?

As the great-aunt of the most charming cute brilliant "toddler of color" I am furious when I hear this.

I want him to grow up in a better world than I did. I remember being called a "dirty Jew" in elementary school. About 15 years ago I was fired for being gay (I know it because I got calls privately from managers there company, told that was the case. They all offered and sent letters of commendation but said not to quote them, they needed their jobs and they would not testify against the company).

I can't protect him from every idiot but I'd like a better world for him

In terms of Winding's coworker from a business standpoint alone regardless of her prejudice their money is just as green.

So she needs to get over it and treat every customer right. And maybe in so doing she will learn, "oh, they are ok"

And maybe if she doesn't she'll be in violation of your co's, city, state etc EEO policy and buh bye.

And in terms of Winding and DBF this is why we "come out" as it were. Sometimes, just sometimes a person will put two and two together and figure out you are the same person you were before she knew. She ate with you, she rode with you and now she knows your love someone black. Maybe just maybe she will think "oh, I liked her before, she loves a black person maybe they are ok. Maybe I would like I ride with both of them".

Who knows, maybe she will make that connection. If enough of those neural connections are made and enough lunches and rides are had with others .... voila!!!

There you have it, better world for my charming and brilliant "great nephew of color".

If not as he says (he's 2) .... "oh well" Or if not since my niece is the lawyer for whatever we call the department that verifies allegations of violation of State of CA EEO laws (you know like they send job applicants with the SAME resume, one's black, one's white or one's a man, one's a woman and see if the company is only hiring one group or the other ....) maybe she'll continue and mistreat the wrong customer.

Racism hurts, it's bad for people, it's bad karma, and it's bad for business in more ways than one.

[Irulan]

The whole stupid comments that people make that are racist or discriminatory could be a thread unto itself. I have had some personally addressed humdingers too.

[Trek420]

I've told my managers that some day they'll get a complaint of a "customer mistreat" from me and think "Trek? Our Trek? She'd never call a customer a ____, _____, idiotic, moronic ____, _____."

They'll pull the tape and sure 'nuff it'll be there" but not before they hear some truly awful stuff first.

But I'd rather ask the customer ranting about this or that immigrant group "Mr/Mrs Higglety-Hoggenbothum that's a remarkable and beautiful Native American name. What tribe are you from?"

"Huh?"

"Well, since you say the country is going to heck in a handbasket because of the ____s obviously you have always been here so which tribe are you from?"

Whether voluntarily or involuntarily we're all from somewhere and with issues like we face today we all gotta find a way to get along.

[WindingRoad]

It's interesting to hear everyone's view on this.

Now that I know how this woman is I am looking at past experiences with a whole new spin. For example:

I was thinking about my coworker last night and I remembered another thing that happened that I blew off at the time. I was helping a gentleman who was obviously gay. He was 'extremely' gay, ok there was no mistaking it. Just for the record he's a friend of my gay brother so I wasn't guessing here The woman this thread is about was originally present when he came up to me for help. As soon as he started speaking and cutting up with me she had the deer in a headlight look and dashed off to some other place??? I can't imagine this guy causing that kind of a reaction in anyone, he is one of the sweetest people I know. There are a few more examples I'd love to give but am reluctant because I know how small the cycling community here is if you catch my drift.



I feel I should make it clear I'm not choosing to ignore what my coworker said but I am in the stage of deciding the best course of action from here. I know without a doubt that my employer does NOT approve of this type of behavior. If I were to say something to my boss he would respond.

Another thing is my boyfriend has been acting suspicious. He keeps asking me why she and I don't hang out anymore. I hate to tell him because he already deals with this kind of crap at his job. I don't see a need to make him upset because I am upset about it. He's had a lot of stress lately at work and he works long hours so I am reluctant to tell him about why she and I aren't riding buds any longer. I know how he is and something like that will really eat at him.

I will agree with some of you that yes I am a bit ignorant when it comes to being observant about racism. With my morals and what makes me who I am it still shocks and horrifies me that racism right here in my little bubble of existence lives today. I guess I also expect the younger generation to be better than previous ones.

[lph]

If she is very closeminded and confident in her ways you probably won't make any difference, but if you suspect she is at all open to discussing her views you could get a really interesting discussion going. It's very human to be xenophobic, but it's a mark of intelligence and empathy to be able to rise above it. You could bring it up gently, commend her on her honesty and ask her directly why she feels it's "natural" to be a little racist. Maybe she has some bad experiences to tell, maybe she's just repeating what her parents and friends think, maybe she never has been challenged on it before.

Most of the time we do react by rote, and it takes a little jostling to see that our reactions are irrational, and can have negative effects we haven't thought about. Like offending coworkers. If you accept that her reaction is natural for her but is based on misconceptions you have a chance of changing it. Depending on her personality of course.