Racism

[shootingstar]

How coincidental your TE pseudonymn for that plaintive Beatles' song that expresses your eureka moment now about your "friend", racism, etc.

There was a point in my life the song made me cry, because it IS a long winding road...hopefully uphill beyond racism.

What you found out about your friend, WindingRd., feel like abit of betrayal made more difficult because you see her nearly daily at work. Consider that now since it's been a few days since she revealed her tendencies, is to express calmly when there a time for just you and her, that you were disappointed by her response but you love your boyfriend. And thank her for her honesty, wish her well.

Then walk away. That's all. Perhaps to be done if you leave this employer or when she leaves employer before you? It would minimize any spiteful/unpleasant fall-out to you on the job.

Otherwise if not comfortable, don't bother. You need to keep your job. It will not take your comment to change someone like her. It takes alot more to change people like her. Let it go and work, chat positively with other employees.

[indysteel]

How coincidental your TE pseudonymn for that plaintive Beatles' song that expresses your eureka moment now about your "friend", racism, etc.

There was a point in my life the song made me cry, because it IS a long winding road...hopefully uphill beyond racism.

What you found out about your friend, WindingRd., feel like abit of betrayal made more difficult because you see her nearly daily at work. Consider that now since it's been a few days since she revealed her tendencies, is to express calmly when there a time for just you and her, that you were disappointed by her response but you love your boyfriend. And thank her for her honesty, wish her well.

Then walk away. That's all. Perhaps to be done if you leave this employer or when she leaves employer before you? It would minimize any spiteful/unpleasant fall-out to you on the job.

Otherwise if not comfortable, don't bother. You need to keep your job. It will not take your comment to change someone like her. It takes alot more to change people like her. Let it go and work, chat positively with other employees.

But see that's the problem. If we only speak out when it costs us nothing, then we're rarely going to speak out. In keeping silent, we become complicit in the underlying fill-in-the-blank-ism. And if we only spoke out when when were assured of changing somebody's mind, I doubt we'd speak up much then, either. The act of saying "no" counts for something IMO, even if it changes nothing in reality.

I'm not suggesting that she rip this coworker a new one, but there is a way to politely, but firmly, communicate an intolerance for such things or, in the very least, to put a personal face to the issue. And most employers know better than to fire someone for speaking out against racism. They'll find themselves on the other end of the lawsuit if they're not careful. Plus, there's nothing in the OP's question that suggests this coworker is her boss or that she'd get in trouble if she complained to management. Heck, it's very possible that management would appreciate that kind of a head's up. I know I would if I owned a business.

[Pan Dulce]

It's sad that this sort of thing still exists in our day and age. Sorry that she's treating you this way. Honestly, you're probably better off if she's willing to drop you for such a thing.

[WindingRoad]

It's interesting to hear everyone's view on this.

Now that I know how this woman is I am looking at past experiences with a whole new spin. For example:

I was thinking about my coworker last night and I remembered another thing that happened that I blew off at the time. I was helping a gentleman who was obviously gay. He was 'extremely' gay, ok there was no mistaking it. Just for the record he's a friend of my gay brother so I wasn't guessing here The woman this thread is about was originally present when he came up to me for help. As soon as he started speaking and cutting up with me she had the deer in a headlight look and dashed off to some other place??? I can't imagine this guy causing that kind of a reaction in anyone, he is one of the sweetest people I know. There are a few more examples I'd love to give but am reluctant because I know how small the cycling community here is if you catch my drift.



I feel I should make it clear I'm not choosing to ignore what my coworker said but I am in the stage of deciding the best course of action from here. I know without a doubt that my employer does NOT approve of this type of behavior. If I were to say something to my boss he would respond.

Another thing is my boyfriend has been acting suspicious. He keeps asking me why she and I don't hang out anymore. I hate to tell him because he already deals with this kind of crap at his job. I don't see a need to make him upset because I am upset about it. He's had a lot of stress lately at work and he works long hours so I am reluctant to tell him about why she and I aren't riding buds any longer. I know how he is and something like that will really eat at him.

I will agree with some of you that yes I am a bit ignorant when it comes to being observant about racism. With my morals and what makes me who I am it still shocks and horrifies me that racism right here in my little bubble of existence lives today. I guess I also expect the younger generation to be better than previous ones.

[lph]

If she is very closeminded and confident in her ways you probably won't make any difference, but if you suspect she is at all open to discussing her views you could get a really interesting discussion going. It's very human to be xenophobic, but it's a mark of intelligence and empathy to be able to rise above it. You could bring it up gently, commend her on her honesty and ask her directly why she feels it's "natural" to be a little racist. Maybe she has some bad experiences to tell, maybe she's just repeating what her parents and friends think, maybe she never has been challenged on it before.

Most of the time we do react by rote, and it takes a little jostling to see that our reactions are irrational, and can have negative effects we haven't thought about. Like offending coworkers. If you accept that her reaction is natural for her but is based on misconceptions you have a chance of changing it. Depending on her personality of course.

[beccaB]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

[Biciclista]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

EW!!
It's been a long time for me, but i have been in the same position, getting nasties from some boor who didn't notice that i was what they were putting down. Or maybe they did notice.

[MartianDestiny]

This really hurt me a few years back and I think now I have a forum to tell this to, meaning ..you guys will understand whereas all my complaints have fell on deaf ears before.
A family friend of my husband's was visiting us, and out of the blue, and I don't know how this subject even got started- but he said, and I quote..." Jews are so crooked you have to nail them into their coffins".
And after picking up my jaw from the floor and praying my young kids did not hear that trash, I said to him.." That's odd-nobody on my Dad's side of the family is like that, and they're all Jewish"
He was an elderly man and his 30ish daughter quickly changed the subject. I never did get an apology from him.

Sometimes the embarrassed, stunned look on their face when they realize they've really screwed up has to be enough.

My college roommate my sophomore year spent two weeks griping about what horrible people and Christians Catholics and "protestants" (by that she meant Lutherans and Episcopals exclusively) where and how they had everything wrong as she wrote her final paper for a religion class (on the subject of what horrible people they were; I hope that got her a really bad grade...).

I kept my mouth shut on grounds of having to live with her for a few more months. Sweet redemption came with the horrified and embarrassed look on her face when she came by to say hi on Ash Wednesday and saw the cross on my forehead.

She never spoke to me again, but the look on her face was retribution enough for me.

[shootingstar]

Another thing is my boyfriend has been acting suspicious. He keeps asking me why she and I don't hang out anymore. I hate to tell him because he already deals with this kind of crap at his job. I don't see a need to make him upset because I am upset about it. He's had a lot of stress lately at work and he works long hours so I am reluctant to tell him about why she and I aren't riding buds any longer. I know how he is and something like that will really eat at him.

I will agree with some of you that yes I am a bit ignorant when it comes to being observant about racism. With my morals and what makes me who I am it still shocks and horrifies me that racism right here in my little bubble of existence lives today. I guess I also expect the younger generation to be better than previous ones.

Just a comment re your boyfriend's reaction and later: You can merely explain why in a low key way and not make a big deal about it. And remind him that you have other close friends that you trust. (I assume that you do. ) 'Cause really, he already has dealt with much worse racist stuff and he probably knows far worse stuff with other interracial couples.

He just hasn't the energy to describe all that he has experienced to you. On this latter point, I have to say I haven't described every incident in my life to my partner (who's of German descent). He just knows the key crap.

As for younger generation being better, yes they can be but it depends on their exposures from family, friends, and media. Sometimes the problem is that certain historical racist crap is NOT taught in the school where the young can learn from our past mistakes.

I gotta go cycling now and may respond later when I read Wiindingrd.'s latest post above.

[Trek420]

If you ask 1,000 gay people you will get 1,001 opinions (the 1 being me changing my mind). I'm guessing your fine flamboyant fabulous friend has faced this before. I'm guessing your DBF has seen, heard, felt the hurt of racism before.

Both are painful but no surprise other than in this case the source, someone you thought of as a friend.

In the words of my maternal grandmother "better you should open your mouth and I know how you feel then keep it shut and I don't know" or she said something like that in heavily Polish accented English. Something like "well, at least now we know where the idiot stands".

What to do? I feel she's free to have her opinion, we all are. And we do all have prejudice, it's what we choose to do about it that counts.

I can't tell you what to do personally with this gal. I like to hang around with those who share common values and dreams. We don't agree on everything but we can talk and learn from each other. Lunch and rides with her ... it all depends.

Can you forget what she said? Better can you talk with her about it?

In a business sense her right to have prejudice against a group ends when she mistreats a client or a coworker. And I feel that's regardless of local, regional law or company policy.

Turn her back and walk away from a gay customer, make a comment after she thinks another leaves ... mistreat an individual or group and the word gets around. Customers vote with their feet and take their money elsewhere. Remember the nationwide Denny's boycott anyone?

One day I was picking up lunch at an eatery nearby work as the waiter ignored a black couple to the point it was obvious; she was taking the orders of everyone around them at the counter, even ignoring my offer "take their order, they were here before me!".

The eatery is still there but word got around.

I don't know how big your company is, is it possible to say without pinpointed her that you are aware of possible discrimination of customers and just get a reminder, training out there "hey, in this economy everyones money is just as green and we treat everyone well. We do it because it's the law, we do it because it's office policy, and we do it because it's the right thing to do. We treat each customer as we would like to be treated"

[Biciclista]

So to finish Trek's point, it is GOOD for your boss to know that this woman is mistreating customers, even subtly. Because it is not good for BUSINESS.

[salsabike]

But see that's the problem. If we only speak out when it costs us nothing, then we're rarely going to speak out. In keeping silent, we become complicit in the underlying fill-in-the-blank-ism. And if we only spoke out when when were assured of changing somebody's mind, I doubt we'd speak up much then, either. The act of saying "no" counts for something IMO, even if it changes nothing in reality.

I'm not suggesting that she rip this coworker a new one, but there is a way to politely, but firmly, communicate an intolerance for such things or, in the very least, to put a personal face to the issue. And most employers know better than to fire someone for speaking out against racism. They'll find themselves on the other end of the lawsuit if they're not careful. Plus, there's nothing in the OP's question that suggests this coworker is her boss or that she'd get in trouble if she complained to management. Heck, it's very possible that management would appreciate that kind of a head's up. I know I would if I owned a business.

Agreed.