parenting dilemma

[Iris616]

I have a 6 year old daughter who is "graduating" kindergarten this friday. The note sent home indicates the children should wear their "Sunday best". we went shopping tonight, since she doesn't own any "SB".

For some reference point,She is an incredible tomboy and only wears "boy clothes", which I am fine with. So we headed to the boys section of the store. She promptly picked out a brown pinstriped pants suit with a blue shirt and a tie. (I was expecting a pair of khakis and a dress shirt.) This is my dilemna- do I let her wear the boys suit?

What if other people comment negatively, and it crushes her? She was so happy when she tried it on, smiling from ear to ear. I'm really worried that she's reaching the age when people will start to be cruel about her appearence, and this seems like it could really hurt her in the end.

But, If I stear her away from it, toward something more gender neutral, am I doing her a disservice?

Have other parents had similar situations? Like a son who wanted to carry a purse or paint their nails? Or, has any one here been in my daughters situation? If so, what do you suggest?

I have a sense that this is one of those parenting moments that could really effect her future, for better or worse.

[Miranda]

I say... let her wear it!

OK, this is from the mother of a ToyBoy (11yo now). And from a former, and still am to a degree, ToyBoy mom.... plus one with a BGF whose DS wears a dress!

If and when peeps go to comment on her outfit, just smile and say loud & proud, "...DD picked this outfit out herself... she's so proud of it!...".

I mean, what are they gonna do? Beat up on a sweet little girl whose proud of her decisions? Beat up on a mom whose confident enough in the "big picture of life" to love her child regardless of society's norms and appearances? IF someone does... umm, their op is not worth hearing anyway imho.

Any teacher my kids have had, that has been worth anything, knows about the gender identification issues children go through in development. I think the point of the note is that they want the children dressed nicely. But to me, I don't know that I really like that as a mom either.

What if the family did not have $ to buy dressy clothes?

My inlaws are traditional in their beliefs and church. DD going to church with them has always been a freakin nightmare. I got to the point where I'd tell my DMIL to buy a dress, store it at her house, and put it on DD (& be the one to struggle with her) when she took her to church. Or sometimes they'd end up staying home from church over the fight and tears that went with the dress and tights. Like that was what God really wanted. Sorry... getting off my soap box there.

But, my point in that is the same about your DD boy suit.

On the teasing... we had a shrink give this advice once...

Just let the kid wear the whatever to school etc. If two different colored shoes are "in". Then fine. If another peer makes fun of the shoes being diff, then that will be the end of it. My op is that if the *worst* thing my kid does is wear clothing that is outta the society norm, die their hair purple, or whatever the like... I will have parenting life kicked in the azz. Versus kid being in jail, drug rehab, etc.

Maybe you should get DD a lapel corsage for the occasion? If I was going, I'd buy it for her as a present.

Good Luck!

[MartianDestiny]

Not a particularly easy scenario to be sure.

My prospective (as a 23 yr. old that could easily be called tomboy, but not a parent!)

Worst case scenario if she wears the suit she picked out: The other kids/the bully picks fun at her a bit (is it really that bad in kindergarden now adays?). Mommy steps in with some good parenting and all is likely well (other than her disliking the other kid).

Worst case scenario if you try to steer her away from something she picked out with you: Starting down the path of her believing you are trying to make her something she is not.

IMO, far worse she believes it's you that wants to change her than her peers.

I was the brunt of every joke and sly comment from elementary school through freshman year of high school (when they learned I was smart and would help with homework if they weren't arse holes to me). Yea, the middle school years were tough (as they are on all pre-teens), but I had parents who supported me for who I was and a few good, close friends (not necessarily my age). That was far better for me, IMO, than trying to be forced towards society's norms when I clearly didn't care.

That's just my experience. At 23 I will now buy and wear a skirt of my own accord on extreme rare occasion (3-4 times a year). All of my business cloths/suits are pants based. My stepmother tried to get me in a skirt suit once; I whipped out my chainring scars and asked what my soon-to-be colleagues would think of them. She quickly conceeded that pants were perfectly fine

(and yes, for the record, I turned out liking guys even though a) I still act more like a guy than the stereotypical girl and b) this fact shouldn't matter in the least (but that's a whole nother can of worms)).

I say Kudos to you for letting your kid be herself and supporting her!

A nice pants suit is certainly "sunday best" and is not inappropriate for a girl to wear, even if it happened to come out of the little boy's department.

[OnTerryOh]

Thank you for sharing your concern about your daughter in this difficult situation. You are right to perceive that she can be hurt by others' gender expectations. She is happy and proud about her boy's suit, but parents and classmates will probably see her as strange.

In this particular situation, you might try making it a game to go through your closets and drawers together and find matching mother/daughter clothes that you'll wear to the kindergarten graduation together.

You might dress up and look in the mirror together and find all the ways that the two of you are alike -- and different.

If the two of you show up at the graduation in matching blue shorts and yellow t-shirts, say, it will help reinforce the idea for your daughter that you are like her -- both of you being girls, and that her girlhood is something you love about her.

Yes, I know the note said to wear "Sunday best", but if you haven't got that, you haven't got it. Dressing in matching outfits could help your daughter bond with you as someone like her. That is more important.

If she asks why she can't wear the brown pinstriped pants suit with blue shirt and tie, tell her you found out it wouldn't be the best thing to wear to the graduation. Distract her from the subject in a pleasant way -- don't argue. Let her wear the suit around the house if she wants, but not to school.

You might be giving your daughter a happy, secure, loving home life, and there might be little you can do to change her wanting to dress like a boy. On the other hand, if your daughter seems unhappy I encourage you to talk to a counselor.

I hope all goes well at the graduation. Best wishes to both you and your little girl.

[Crankin]

I find it disturbing that a school would even call for "Sunday Best." Those words have no meaning to me; not everyone has Sunday as their day of worship.
Of course, if this is a church related school, that's a different story. But, if it's a public school, they should know better. It would never happen here.

[Tuckervill]

Don't lie, no matter what.

Buy the suit, and something else that's not so formal that she also loves (even if it's not from the girl's department), and then let her choose on the day of the event. Six-year-olds can't really think that far ahead, you know? Given two equally lovely options, she may choose the less "scandalous" one.

She goes to school, so she's well aware that there are differences between boys and girls and what they wear, even if she can't articulate it. If someone says the wrong thing, she may be embarrassed and the realization that her clothing was not accepted may come down hard. When things are IMPORTANT, as this clearly is to her, the impact of ridicule or the wrong thing said can take on the same gravity and make a longer lasting impression. I think you should do your best to protect her from that, and prepare her for the implications.

If she decides to wear the suit, I would definitely call the teacher and let him/her know in no uncertain terms that there will be no comments made. I think it would be fair to the teacher to get a warning. The teacher may or may not be surprised or shocked, but when we are surprised or shocked we say things which, at the very least, can be misinterpreted.

Ah, parenting...never easy.

Karen

[Veronica]

We do a 5th grade promotion ceremony at my school. As teachers we struggle to keep it low key. It's a promotion - not a graduation. We've had girls show up with dresses suitable for a prom.

When my kids asked me this year what to wear, my answer was to wear something nice - like what they would wear for picture day. A couple of girls pushed a little harder and asked if they had to wear dresses. I have a large Catholic population in my class - at least half, including the girls who asked. At this point I did say to them, "Like what you would wear to church regularly, not fancy like for your first communion." Sometimes kids do need a point of reference.

And we tell our kids - you don't have to go buy new clothes for this. A bunch of them do anyway.

I always thought Kate Hepburn looked magnificent in her "mannish" attire.

Veronica

[Tuckervill]

Veronica, I was thinking about the same person! Katherine Hepburn!

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I re-read the OP and I was reminded that my youngest son was very into a sarong when he was 6, 7, 8. I brought it back from the Caribbean for him. He wanted to know what it was, so we googled and I showed him pictures of men in Africa and other places wearing sarongs. Since he liked to be naked a lot at that age, and sometimes it just wasn't a good time, the sarong did the job. He would have friends over and be wearing nothing but the sarong. He also wore it over his swim trunks to the pool.

I did have to warn his older brothers (teenagers, then) not to say a word about it being a skirt. He still has the sarong in his drawer, but I doubt he ever gives it a second thought.

Karen

[sgtiger]

As a parent, I'd have no problems letting my daughter wear a suit if she so chose. I'd deal with any reactions that fellow classmates and their parents have after the fact. Who knows, they may not react in the way you fear. If their reaction is not positive, it's an opportunity to sit down and have a talk with her about not always taking others' opinions to heart and the importance of being herself.

My son, when he was little, really wanted a baby doll. Most of the people we knew didn't have a problem with it, but there were a few who commented that they wouldn't encourage that kind of thing with their boys. I even got a comment that we needed to toughen him up. And my MIL freaked when told what her grandson wanted for his birthday. She eventually calmed down and sent him a raggedy Andy doll. She didn't think that was too "girlish." He also got the baby doll he wanted and was happy as a lark. He eventually grew out of it, but will sometimes play with one if he's playing house with friends or his sister. To this day he loves babies and is very nurturing towards them. One of the possible career paths that I can envision for him right now is working in a neonatal unit.

[sfa]

I say let her wear it. Trying to convince her to wear something else now that she's picked it out and seems to love her choice will likely crush her more than anything her peers might say. She values your opinion much more than anyone else's

The adults won't say anything to her that is negative. They may whisper behind her back and make sure YOU hear it (you know the type of parent I'm talking about), but they won't say anything to her face that she would perceive as negative.

The kids in her class may say something. Most likely that will be "why are you wearing a boy's suit?" to which she should have a ready answer ("because I like it"). I'd think the vast majority are just going to be curious--kindergarten kids of course understand gender differences (and all kinds of other differences) but are also remarkably open minded and accepting. The only exception will be those kids whose minds have been poisoned by close minded parents. I suspect that if there are kids in your daughter's class like that, she's already told you about them and is already used to dealing with them, so she may want to prepare an answer for them too. By the same token, they already know her and know that she's not a frilly dressy girl, so in all likelihood it won't be an issue. If this were her first day of school I might be more hesitant about it.

And the most likely scenario is that the adults in the school will think she's the most adorable thing they've ever seen--it's refreshing to see a kid who is just herself and doesn't care what other people think of her when the rest of the school is dressing up like Hannah Montana.

Good luck!

Sarah

[indysteel]

I totally agree with sfa. Your opinion matters more to her than her classmates' and their parents' opinion. How you react to anyone's negative comments--if any--might provide you with an opportunity to show her how to shrug such things off

When I was about your daughter's age, I wore nothing other than a cowboy outfit. Everywhere. My mom never made an issue of it, and I eventually grew out of it. If anyone teased me, I don't remember it.

[Crankin]

When I was five I spent a lot of time marching around in an army uniform, playing soldier with any neighborhood boy I cold find. But, as far as I know, no one thought it was weird, even in 1958. My older son had an anatomically correct boy doll that he played with for years. We didn't make a big deal out of it and eventually, when he was 7 or so, he lost interest. He slept with his teddy bear until he went to college, at almost 19.
I agree that most kindergardeners are very curious and may ask questions, but, more likely the parents will be the ones that could say stuff. I was always amazed at the things some parents would say to me about *other* kids when they were at a parent teacher conference, supposedly about their child.

[Duck on Wheels]

I say let her wear the suit! Women do wear pant suits, ya know, and at age 6 the cut isn't going to differentiate between a girl's figure and a boy's. Do you happen to own a nice pant suit yourself that you could wear that day? Or some nice slacks and a blouse? I'm planning on wearing linen slacks and a blouse to my 60th birthday party. I haven't been very specific as to attire in the invitations and decided that my bell-bottom linen slacks and a top would be drapy enough not to make any dress wearers uncomfortable and at the same time would keep company with any pants wearers amongst the women. Also, I happen to like them and like how they look on me. A friend of mine, when preparing for her dissertation defense, was instructed to wear "a tuxedo or the equivalent" (unisex instructions based on decades of almost only men taking PhDs). She went with the tux, a tight-waisted one that fit her figure. Very stylish! See? Even grown-up women wear pants at dress-up occasions sometimes.

[kathybiker]

There are really two issues here.

One is the way your daughter will dress at the kindergarten graduation, and whether you might spare her from ridicule related to wearing a boy's suit and tie.

If you let her wear it, you'll likely be able to cope with any related problems. By itself, this is a minor issue.

The more important question is your daughter's relationship with you and identity as a girl. We don't know the specifics, and certainly they're part of your private life and not our business.

If I were in your position, I'd be wondering whether my girl is simply a tomboy or whether she actually wants to be a boy. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with being a tomboy.

But if my daughter really wanted to be a boy, I'd question whether I was giving her an admirable and loving role model. I'd look at my closeness or lack of closeness to my daughter, and find ways I might give her more support.

I'd be wondering whether I might change her desire to be a boy, not out of discomfort with what anybody else thinks, but because I'd like her to accept her gender and have the most access to positive choices in her life.

It's easy to accept the idea, "I am a girl," because it is simple and true. It is harder to accept the statement, "I am a girl who wants to be a boy," or "I am a woman who wants to be a man," because both of these involve painful contradictions.

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