parenting dilemma

[OnTerryOh]

Thank you for sharing your concern about your daughter in this difficult situation. You are right to perceive that she can be hurt by others' gender expectations. She is happy and proud about her boy's suit, but parents and classmates will probably see her as strange.

In this particular situation, you might try making it a game to go through your closets and drawers together and find matching mother/daughter clothes that you'll wear to the kindergarten graduation together.

You might dress up and look in the mirror together and find all the ways that the two of you are alike -- and different.

If the two of you show up at the graduation in matching blue shorts and yellow t-shirts, say, it will help reinforce the idea for your daughter that you are like her -- both of you being girls, and that her girlhood is something you love about her.

Yes, I know the note said to wear "Sunday best", but if you haven't got that, you haven't got it. Dressing in matching outfits could help your daughter bond with you as someone like her. That is more important.

If she asks why she can't wear the brown pinstriped pants suit with blue shirt and tie, tell her you found out it wouldn't be the best thing to wear to the graduation. Distract her from the subject in a pleasant way -- don't argue. Let her wear the suit around the house if she wants, but not to school.

You might be giving your daughter a happy, secure, loving home life, and there might be little you can do to change her wanting to dress like a boy. On the other hand, if your daughter seems unhappy I encourage you to talk to a counselor.

I hope all goes well at the graduation. Best wishes to both you and your little girl.

[Crankin]

I find it disturbing that a school would even call for "Sunday Best." Those words have no meaning to me; not everyone has Sunday as their day of worship.
Of course, if this is a church related school, that's a different story. But, if it's a public school, they should know better. It would never happen here.

[Tuckervill]

Don't lie, no matter what.

Buy the suit, and something else that's not so formal that she also loves (even if it's not from the girl's department), and then let her choose on the day of the event. Six-year-olds can't really think that far ahead, you know? Given two equally lovely options, she may choose the less "scandalous" one.

She goes to school, so she's well aware that there are differences between boys and girls and what they wear, even if she can't articulate it. If someone says the wrong thing, she may be embarrassed and the realization that her clothing was not accepted may come down hard. When things are IMPORTANT, as this clearly is to her, the impact of ridicule or the wrong thing said can take on the same gravity and make a longer lasting impression. I think you should do your best to protect her from that, and prepare her for the implications.

If she decides to wear the suit, I would definitely call the teacher and let him/her know in no uncertain terms that there will be no comments made. I think it would be fair to the teacher to get a warning. The teacher may or may not be surprised or shocked, but when we are surprised or shocked we say things which, at the very least, can be misinterpreted.

Ah, parenting...never easy.

Karen

[Veronica]

We do a 5th grade promotion ceremony at my school. As teachers we struggle to keep it low key. It's a promotion - not a graduation. We've had girls show up with dresses suitable for a prom.

When my kids asked me this year what to wear, my answer was to wear something nice - like what they would wear for picture day. A couple of girls pushed a little harder and asked if they had to wear dresses. I have a large Catholic population in my class - at least half, including the girls who asked. At this point I did say to them, "Like what you would wear to church regularly, not fancy like for your first communion." Sometimes kids do need a point of reference.

And we tell our kids - you don't have to go buy new clothes for this. A bunch of them do anyway.

I always thought Kate Hepburn looked magnificent in her "mannish" attire.

Veronica

[Tuckervill]

Veronica, I was thinking about the same person! Katherine Hepburn!

Karen

[Tuckervill]

I re-read the OP and I was reminded that my youngest son was very into a sarong when he was 6, 7, 8. I brought it back from the Caribbean for him. He wanted to know what it was, so we googled and I showed him pictures of men in Africa and other places wearing sarongs. Since he liked to be naked a lot at that age, and sometimes it just wasn't a good time, the sarong did the job. He would have friends over and be wearing nothing but the sarong. He also wore it over his swim trunks to the pool.

I did have to warn his older brothers (teenagers, then) not to say a word about it being a skirt. He still has the sarong in his drawer, but I doubt he ever gives it a second thought.

Karen

[sfa]

I say let her wear it. Trying to convince her to wear something else now that she's picked it out and seems to love her choice will likely crush her more than anything her peers might say. She values your opinion much more than anyone else's

The adults won't say anything to her that is negative. They may whisper behind her back and make sure YOU hear it (you know the type of parent I'm talking about), but they won't say anything to her face that she would perceive as negative.

The kids in her class may say something. Most likely that will be "why are you wearing a boy's suit?" to which she should have a ready answer ("because I like it"). I'd think the vast majority are just going to be curious--kindergarten kids of course understand gender differences (and all kinds of other differences) but are also remarkably open minded and accepting. The only exception will be those kids whose minds have been poisoned by close minded parents. I suspect that if there are kids in your daughter's class like that, she's already told you about them and is already used to dealing with them, so she may want to prepare an answer for them too. By the same token, they already know her and know that she's not a frilly dressy girl, so in all likelihood it won't be an issue. If this were her first day of school I might be more hesitant about it.

And the most likely scenario is that the adults in the school will think she's the most adorable thing they've ever seen--it's refreshing to see a kid who is just herself and doesn't care what other people think of her when the rest of the school is dressing up like Hannah Montana.

Good luck!

Sarah

[indysteel]

I totally agree with sfa. Your opinion matters more to her than her classmates' and their parents' opinion. How you react to anyone's negative comments--if any--might provide you with an opportunity to show her how to shrug such things off

When I was about your daughter's age, I wore nothing other than a cowboy outfit. Everywhere. My mom never made an issue of it, and I eventually grew out of it. If anyone teased me, I don't remember it.

[sgtiger]

As a parent, I'd have no problems letting my daughter wear a suit if she so chose. I'd deal with any reactions that fellow classmates and their parents have after the fact. Who knows, they may not react in the way you fear. If their reaction is not positive, it's an opportunity to sit down and have a talk with her about not always taking others' opinions to heart and the importance of being herself.

My son, when he was little, really wanted a baby doll. Most of the people we knew didn't have a problem with it, but there were a few who commented that they wouldn't encourage that kind of thing with their boys. I even got a comment that we needed to toughen him up. And my MIL freaked when told what her grandson wanted for his birthday. She eventually calmed down and sent him a raggedy Andy doll. She didn't think that was too "girlish." He also got the baby doll he wanted and was happy as a lark. He eventually grew out of it, but will sometimes play with one if he's playing house with friends or his sister. To this day he loves babies and is very nurturing towards them. One of the possible career paths that I can envision for him right now is working in a neonatal unit.