Some serious thoughts on "Not Rape"

[bikerz]

I've been thinking about that essay, and this thread, and and other similar things I've read, all day.

The taunting and harassment of girls by boys is both tacitly and explicitly accepted. I was teased, pushed, pinched and generally hassled by boys in elementary school -- it was clear to me that complaining to the teacher would just lead to worse teasing, so after a few incidents I told my dad and he said "that's just what boys do when they like you." Uh huh. This made absolutely no sense to me, but if it was true, it was something I wanted nothing to do with, so I didn't complain anymore and just tried to avoid the boys, and therefore the trouble.

I'm sure I'm not the only girl who got that message from teachers and parents that boys were rough and mean and there was no point in expecting them to behave respectfully to girls. But the boys got an important lesson too: they didn't need to control their behavior - they could harass girls with impunity. (This whole "boys will be boys" excuse gets converted later into the idea that men can't be expected to control themselves sexually, and is at the root of the enormously offensive and false idea that the way a women dresses or acts provokes assault or rape.)

There are many kind and respectful men in my life, and I'm thankful for that, but reading the news, hearing about the experiences of the author of the essay, or of friends of mine, and my own experience as victim of a violent assault, I feel like these men I know are the minority. The world is full of violent and abusive men. How will it ever change?

Well, here's one way: my parents could have told me "Little BikerZ, it's outrageous that you were treated that way, and we're going to talk to the principal and teacher right this minute." And the principal could have made sure those boys knew that their behavior was unacceptable. And their parents would have sat them down and talked to them, and maybe those boys would see that the girls in their class were human beings, just like them, and worthy of the respect and dignity due every human being. And they would have realized that they themselves were damaged when they treated other human beings so badly.

And the next time a boy mistreated a girl (or another boy*, for that matter), the other kids would stop it, instead of encouraging him. And those once-abusive boys might have grown up to be the kind of men I'm lucky to have in my life. And all the girls could have grown up to feel fully valued as human beings, and safe from male violence. It seems like a crazy fantasy, actually, but for the sake of my little niece and nephew, and all the little kids in my life, I hope it is possible.

Because it's not the schoolyard teasing and taunts that have had the long-lasting impact in my life (and the lives of my friends) -- it's the actions of the men those bullying and abusive boys grew up to be.


Wow, I'm on a tear with these long posts - that essay got me really riled up!

* I think it is not a coincidence that some of the best men I know were bullied and teased in school themselves.

[Trek420]

I'm not an alarmist, more a bit of a pragmatic realist. Right now there are fewer resources to prosecute, control, educate, reform. I'm not suggesting we form us up a posse and hunt the perps down and hang 'em high either (though the idea has it's attractions).

But in some ways this is up to each one of us:

http://www.indybay.org/newsitems/200...4/18591105.php

[crazycanuck]

Mimi-i'm sure that not all teens would be in support of the comments made about the teenage idol. Surely, there must be some sensible teens out there that think rationally.

Surely..?

Surely, some parents may have instilled values into thier kids. We just don't hear about them becuase it doesn't make $$ for the networks.

Someone restore my belief that today's teens have some sense.

[andtckrtoo]

I have a 16 yo daughter who thinks that celebrity who beat up his girlfriend deserves to be strung up my his toe nails and maimed. (Or at least put away for a long time). But I think a lot of the girls and boys right now are basing their ideas on the music of the times. I know each older generation says this of the younger, but seriously - have you listened to some of the rap music out there? It's horrid! Not all of it, of course, but enough is that it's not that surprising to me that girls think it's okay, too.

[OakLeaf]

I really object to the idea that today's music is any worse than that of any other generation - or that art feeds violence more than violence informs art.

It's true that each generation successively pushes the envelope of what words are acceptable, not just in song lyrics but in conversation.

But as far as the ideas, how about, just for starters, Tom Jones' "She's a Lady"? The Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb"?

Blaming music for sexual violence is no better than blaming the economy, blaming substance abuse, blaming the availability of weapons, or blaming the victim. The perp ALWAYS has a choice.

[andtckrtoo]

I really object to the idea that today's music is any worse than that of any other generation - or that art feeds violence more than violence informs art.

It's true that each generation successively pushes the envelope of what words are acceptable, not just in song lyrics but in conversation.

But as far as the ideas, how about, just for starters, Tom Jones' "She's a Lady"? The Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb"?

Blaming music for sexual violence is no better than blaming the economy, blaming substance abuse, blaming the availability of weapons, or blaming the victim. The perp ALWAYS has a choice.

I see your point. I was thinking of some of the heinous rap music I've heard (my step son was into some really brutal rap). But, when I think back to some of the punk, or hard rock out there - it's no different - and the same segment of society listen to it. My apologies. I stand corrected.

[PamNY]

Mimi-i'm sure that not all teens would be in support of the comments made about the teenage idol. Surely, there must be some sensible teens out there that think rationally.

Surely..?

Surely, some parents may have instilled values into thier kids. We just don't hear about them becuase it doesn't make $$ for the networks.

Someone restore my belief that today's teens have some sense.

Here's one poll:
http://bigcountryhomepage.com/conten...xt/?cid=127471

Having grown up in the 1960s, I'm skeptical about anything that "all the kids" are supposed to think.

Pam