Some serious thoughts on "Not Rape"

[Trek420]

The only way I can see that this can change is by demanding of the men and boys in our lives that they treat the women and girls in their lives as human beings with agency over their own lives and bodies. And in the meantime, because that kind of change (revolution?) takes time, as the essay's author says, we have to protect and support the women and girls in our lives.

I feel we need like-minded supportive men as allies to be the examples of treating women well, to show this day by day and mentor younger men, boys. We need young men and boys to see that you can be a man and not abuse women.

Fact is I feel it's the only way to truly be a man.

My Dad taught us in many ways, most of all the way he interacted with my Mom (also Duck's mutual parents) that real men don't abuse women and girls (or other men and boys). It's not enough to hear that from us.

Of course the abused of any class or group are going to say "stop doing that to us !" and we can and will win this fight on our own.

It is more meaningful if men stand with us, be counted and say "this stops here, this stops with me". While the best place for them to do that is at home we also need men of quality to act as mentors to kids who do not have a man at home or have had issues with their Dad in the past.

Sexual abuse often begins at home and is generational. The abuser saw his dad abuse his mom, his dad saw his and so on. That is not to say that everyone abused as a child grow up to repeat it, but not all have the strength to say "it stops here". If young men and boys see abuse at home they may be more likely lash out at a later date in any relationship.

Where is my bumper sticker that says "men of quality support women's equality"

[Triskeliongirl]

The only objection I have to the article is that *sometimes it is rape* and when it is we are not always prepared for how to deal with it either.

[Dianyla]

Thank you for posting this, SK.

[andtckrtoo]

I was just watching CBS this morning and they had a segment on about Mike Tyson and the new film out about him. I was reminded of this thread when the commentary said, "Yes, he abused women, but he really was a tragic figure."
It was as if the commentator was saying that it was okay that Tyson abused women because he had such a tragic life.

With those kinds of attitudes being broadcast on a show like CBS News Sunday Morning its no wonder this kind of abuse is so prevalent. It's sickening, really.

[OakLeaf]

Thanks for the post, SK.

Do you think a teenager could appreciate it? It seems more directed at adult women who've already had (at least) three or four of these experiences AND the time and maturity to process them. I have a 16 year old niece...

[Biciclista]

good luck getting across to teenagers. Recently some teenaged idol beat the cr@p out of his girlfriend. and all the teenaged girls, fans, could say was either "I don't believe it" or "she deserved it" SHE DESERVED TO BE BEATEN?? unfortunately "progress" is two steps forward followed by 3 steps back.
We used to call this Date rape, not "NOT RAPE" hello?
and those underaged girls? that's statutory rape. no NOT about it.
yes, a good article.

[shootingstar]

Thanks for the post, SK.

Do you think a teenager could appreciate it? It seems more directed at adult women who've already had (at least) three or four of these experiences AND the time and maturity to process them. I have a 16 year old niece...

While the abuse has been around for centuries...the biggest difference now, are additional electronic tools --Internet, email provides more options by evildoers to access the unsuspecting victims, etc.

The tougher part is explaining or helping others develop radar/alertness how to gauge situations that begin as harmless or borderline strange verging on wierd behaviour that eventually could lead to worse stuff.

A few years ago, I was humming a childhood ditty and suddenly I realized the alternate meaning of the words could be. It was song as a child sung in playgrounds that I grew up in:

Hello, hello sir...
Can you come and play sir?
No sir,
why sir?
......

Now I call it the pedaphile song. But that time as a child, I never thought to think of the possible double meaning of the song.

[SadieKate]

Thanks for the post, SK.

Do you think a teenager could appreciate it? It seems more directed at adult women who've already had (at least) three or four of these experiences AND the time and maturity to process them. I have a 16 year old niece...

I think it would have made a difference to the teen-aged-me. My parents talked to me about what not to do but never about what to do. As in "don't open the door to anyone if you're home alone" but never about going into immediate self-defense mode, screaming and fighting, and then reporting to the authorities. The incident in high school? It was during the school day at the end of the next building over from my father's classroom. My parents hadn't discussed possible assault in broad daylight at school. I doubted my own actions (did I invite them?) and I certainly wasn't prepared to deal with it.

I was also a good enough reader in 5th grade that, with parental discussion, would have benefited from that article. Other than the "don't open the door" discussion, there was no discussion at all of possible risks until the summer before my sophomore year in college. Honest to goodness, they could have just handed me that article anytime after puberty hit and it would have made a difference to how I handled the incidents.

[maillotpois]

Good article.

I don't think it would sink in at all to my daughter yet, but it is certainly a good reminder to all who parent or are close to teenagers/pre-teens that we need to remain very (overly) involved in their lives and aware of what is going on.

[Trek420]

I was just watching CBS this morning and they had a segment on about Mike Tyson and the new film out about him. I was reminded of this thread when the commentary said, "Yes, he abused women, but he really was a tragic figure."
It was as if the commentator was saying that it was okay that Tyson abused women because he had such a tragic life.

There are a lot of people who have tragic lives, even more so than Tyson's and overcome, recover and have functioning relationships and are good parents so on. I'm sure there are examples in pro sports. Media should feature them and the people who helped them and spend less time excusing an abuser. Media should spend some time on those who overcome tremendous odds to become good parents.

Since this is a cycling discussion board maybe they could have a spot on folks who "rode their bike and found solace from a tragic childhood".

"I had an unhappy childhood" is never an excuse for violence. If someone is attacking me in any way I really don't want to know or care about your unhappy childhood I just want the violence to stop.