Moving forward....

[Karma007]

Here I go, asking the opinion of my friends regarding totally non-bicycle stuff. I'm just curious as to what you think- To make a long story (it goes back 14 years) not so long, bf proposed last night, and I accepted! My daughter is 15 and lives nearby with her father. Any tips on breaking the news? Girl and I have had a long, complicated year, and I don't want to freak her out too much.

[Becky]

Congratulations on your engagement!

[Zen]

Not enough information to speculate.

[Crankin]

Congratulations, but need more info to get a sense of why you think this will freak her out. Will it affect her living situation? What kind of issues have there been? I know you might not want to "share," but it's hard to speculate.
She will probably be upset, no matter what. Kids have a certain schema in their minds of what a parent is, and when reality changes that, it's hard for them to assimilate the changes.

[Karma007]

Knowing girl, she'll probably be happy about it. There's just been a lot of change this year. I just figure I'mm be direct, and not treat her like a child. She'll appreciate the honesty.

[sgtiger]

Knowing girl, she'll probably be happy about it. There's just been a lot of change this year. I just figure I'mm be direct, and not treat her like a child. She'll appreciate the honesty.

Looks like you answered your own question.

[msincredible]

Congrats and good luck, let us know how it goes.

[andtckrtoo]

Congrats to both you and your fiance! Here's hoping "Girl" likes it as much as you think she will. I'm cheering you on!!

[Tuckervill]

You're a good mother to think of her feelings. Your daughter probably will appreciate your honesty, and I wouldn't wait to tell her. She would want to know right away, I think, and not feel like it is big news that is being kept from her for some reason.

You've been with this man for 14 years? Does she like him? That'd be very important to me.

Let her help you with the wedding, especially where it involves her.

Congratulations!!

Karen

[jobob]

+1 for what Karen said. Congrats!

[jesvetmed]

Wow... congratulations!
Karen seems to be the wise one here... sounds like solid advice to me.
Good luck!

[lph]

Congratulations!

As you seem to have thought of already - bear in mind that this is your big joy, not hers and she may not be thrilled, she may like your bf but still not want him to play a larger role, she may feel sad or angry that her dad is now definitely, irrevocably out of the picture, and she may feel left out herself. Feelings are funny - tell her like an adult, but accept that she may react like a child, at least inside.

I didn't like my father's second wife for the longest time because I felt she took my dad away from me and I could never talk to him without her being there and butting in. And they married ten years ago or so! We get along fine now, though.

[ZenSojourner]

When my ex remarried, he didn't bother to give my son the slightest heads up about it. In fact he was actually married for over a year before my son even found out about it, and then he only found out about it by eavesdropping on adult conversation while they were at a friend's house.

It was an arranged marriage, my ex flew to India for the ceremony and came right back and never so much as showed my son a picture of his new bride.

Kevin came to me about it - he learned early on not to bother to ask his Dad about ANYTHING because the man would either lie or throw a fit that his authority was being "questioned" - I thought he MUST have misunderstood. As much as I thought the man was a colossal jerk, I didn't think he was THAT much of a jerk.

How wrong I was.

First I called the mutual friend at whose house the suspicious conversation had occurred. After some hemming and hawing, she admitted that it was true. I was shocked, not the least because my ex had continued to pursue a renewal of our marriage even AFTER his marriage to this woman in India.

When I called my ex about it, he told me it was (and I quote) NONE OF KEVIN'S BUSINESS. I asked him how he had intended to introduce his new wife to my son, and he said (I'm NOT kidding), "When we went to the airport to pick her up, I'd have told him this was his new mommy."

Oh yeah, excellent way to introduce a 4 year old who already has trust issues with his dad to the dad's new wife!

Well, there are reasons we got divorced. I felt for the new wife though.

Anyway, unless you've been hiding your BF for the last 14 years, I think you've done about all you can do under the circumstances. If you treat your daughter like an adult you will maximize your chances of having her behave like an adult. It seems you're experiencing some butterflies about this, but with kids (and everybody else really) honesty really is the best policy.

I think the fact that you're thinking about it beforehand shows you have good judgment, so trust yourself and you'll be fine. You can only do what you can do, and you're not responsible for your daughter's reaction as long as you're being honest and above board with her. Have some patience with her - hopefully it won't be necessary but if it is, keep some in reserve.

And let us know how things work out. Congratulations! Enjoy this time in your life!

[shootingstar]

Best of luck with the wedding day.

If your daughter already has good relationships with each of her birth parents, she will want to keep it that way. At an age where there's other things she's pursuing in understanding/developing herself, outside of parents.

[Karma007]

You've been with this man for 14 years? Does she like him? That'd be very important to me.

Let her help you with the wedding, especially where it involves her.

Congratulations!!

Karen

Thanks everyone! Boyfriend and I have a complicated relationship (to try and make a long story not quite so long) we met 14 years ago and while we dated off and on the timing for moving forward was never quite right. I evenutally met (and married) someone else. A twist of fate brought boy and I back together and will remain so. I could not be happeir. It was a twisty road, but worth it! He thinks it's destiny. I say he got lucky

I think girl child likes him. Honestly she's so wrapped up in her own world right now, I don't think it'll be a huge thing. Boyfriend and I already live together, and with her living w/her father, it won't affect her day to day much. I'm going too see if she's free for dinner tonight, or shopping Saturday, so we have a change to talk alone.

I will definatley ask for her help in the planning, her thoughts, opinions. It'll be small and quiet (read inexpensive- we're saving for a house!)


Thanks for your warm wishes and thoughtfull advice!