Moving forward....

[jesvetmed]

Wow... congratulations!
Karen seems to be the wise one here... sounds like solid advice to me.
Good luck!

[lph]

Congratulations!

As you seem to have thought of already - bear in mind that this is your big joy, not hers and she may not be thrilled, she may like your bf but still not want him to play a larger role, she may feel sad or angry that her dad is now definitely, irrevocably out of the picture, and she may feel left out herself. Feelings are funny - tell her like an adult, but accept that she may react like a child, at least inside.

I didn't like my father's second wife for the longest time because I felt she took my dad away from me and I could never talk to him without her being there and butting in. And they married ten years ago or so! We get along fine now, though.

[ZenSojourner]

When my ex remarried, he didn't bother to give my son the slightest heads up about it. In fact he was actually married for over a year before my son even found out about it, and then he only found out about it by eavesdropping on adult conversation while they were at a friend's house.

It was an arranged marriage, my ex flew to India for the ceremony and came right back and never so much as showed my son a picture of his new bride.

Kevin came to me about it - he learned early on not to bother to ask his Dad about ANYTHING because the man would either lie or throw a fit that his authority was being "questioned" - I thought he MUST have misunderstood. As much as I thought the man was a colossal jerk, I didn't think he was THAT much of a jerk.

How wrong I was.

First I called the mutual friend at whose house the suspicious conversation had occurred. After some hemming and hawing, she admitted that it was true. I was shocked, not the least because my ex had continued to pursue a renewal of our marriage even AFTER his marriage to this woman in India.

When I called my ex about it, he told me it was (and I quote) NONE OF KEVIN'S BUSINESS. I asked him how he had intended to introduce his new wife to my son, and he said (I'm NOT kidding), "When we went to the airport to pick her up, I'd have told him this was his new mommy."

Oh yeah, excellent way to introduce a 4 year old who already has trust issues with his dad to the dad's new wife!

Well, there are reasons we got divorced. I felt for the new wife though.

Anyway, unless you've been hiding your BF for the last 14 years, I think you've done about all you can do under the circumstances. If you treat your daughter like an adult you will maximize your chances of having her behave like an adult. It seems you're experiencing some butterflies about this, but with kids (and everybody else really) honesty really is the best policy.

I think the fact that you're thinking about it beforehand shows you have good judgment, so trust yourself and you'll be fine. You can only do what you can do, and you're not responsible for your daughter's reaction as long as you're being honest and above board with her. Have some patience with her - hopefully it won't be necessary but if it is, keep some in reserve.

And let us know how things work out. Congratulations! Enjoy this time in your life!