Would you hold a wedding shower for yourself?

[ny biker]

I don't really care what Miss Manners has to say - who left her in charge anyhow?
I think that the bride deserves a celebration even if it is her 10th wedding. I think that gifts can be tailored to brides who already have an established home. I think that I would like nothing more than to be invited to a friend's home and celebrate a new chapter with her - what a privilege - and to me it doesn't matter WHO is hosting the party. I say good for her; her friends are being catty and fighting, so she makes lemonaid out of lemons.
Now, as for gift registries and expensive gifts - that might flavor my opinion in a different direction. I guess even if the bride wanted expensive gifts and/or was a greedy individual, I would still celebrate with her - but by bringing a gift that is dictated by MY budget and not HER tastes.
Bottom line is that the party isn't for me. Who cares what I think about who started the party. Who cares if the bride is greedy? The party isn't for me so I don't get a say! I go, I have fun, and I hope for a blessed marriage. (And I wouldn't hesitate to put my address on an envelope to make the thank-you process easier for the bride either - but that would be another subject for another thread.)

The wedding is the celebration for the bride and groom. Not the shower.

If the bride wants to invite friends to celebrate in her home, then fine, throw a regular party. But don't host an event that exists for no other reason than to shower yourself with gifts.

[teigyr]

Is she asking for gifts?

I always tend to not follow tradition either by choice or circumstance. When I married DH, we had a fairly large wedding (by our terms it was large) but requested no gifts. It wasn't a first wedding for either of us and we wanted people there to celebrate (neither of us had a "real" wedding before) but we didn't want to ask anything of them except just to be there.

Maybe this bride wants a shower? It's not my type of thing but I can see the attraction. Maybe she wants female bonding, games, and fun. Maybe she's lonely and if her bridesmaids are fighting, that could make it all the worse for what should be a fun time in her life.

Unless the price of admission to the shower was cash or something bought from an expensive registry, I applaud her. If people wait for someone else to make things happen, then there is the chance your life won't go the way you want it to and then there would be regret. I think she's brave, especially seeing all the potential criticism that could happen.

[uforgot]

The purpose of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts. If she wants to have a party, then have a party. If you are attending a shower, then you are expected to bring a gift.

[Biciclista]

If someone sent me to a gift registry with the minimum gift being $200, I probably wouldn't buy a gift unless it was my grandkid or something.
What I noticed at my son's own wedding was that they got an incredible amount of stuff; and ended up exchanging over $600 worth of booty. As for a wedding shower put on by the bride, I have to ask why. Is she not going to have a wedding party/reception?
I always thought the wedding shower was a celebration with the close girlfriends and female relatives to the bride. You can't tell me that expensive gifts are expected from those people too? and what kind of party would it be if they're all fighting?

The wedding is the celebration of a marriage. In our culture, we celebrate it in church and/or with a party (called the reception) afterwards.

[Fujichants]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

[shootingstar]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

Hope she remains married after all this..

It is interesting when an older bride gets married for the lst time. My youngest sister married for the lst time at 38 yrs. She already had her own house and stuff. Still people gave nice gifts...more yuppish. Not sure of all she got. I was at a loss, as her sister, what to give her. So in the end, I got them a handmade teapot..usable but also artsy oriented.

Same dilemma for another sister who married at 34 yrs. for lst time but lived with her now-hubby for 7 prior yrs. They already had a house, etc. So I bought them a framed original artwork.

Both of them had registries but only as an option, not mandatory. But I didn't pay attention to that. It was understood by each of them, they would get gifts from siblings that had nothing to do with the registries....because we know them well and their lifestyle.

Yea...I come from a family of some later-loves in life.

[GLC1968]

I got married late in life, too (35). We hadn't set up a house together yet, but we both obviously had plenty of our own 'stuff'. I actually found the registry extremely helpful because we could pick out things we actually needed.

Like our pots and pans and our everyday flatware, which were a mis-mash left over from college days and hand-me downs! We registered for something nice. What we didn't need was towels, linens or glassware - so we didn't register for that stuff. It made it MUCH easier for friends and family to pick out things that would be actually be useful as opposed to getting things like potholders and bathmats...you know?

But yeah, I could not have thrown a shower for myself. Not so much because it would look like 'gift grubbing' but because I'd feel like a loser with no friends!

And while yes, the term 'shower' is for showering a bride or a couple with gifts, it isn't always done that way these days. I have been to plenty of 'showers' where the bride requested NO gifts. It was a fun, girly get-together (possibly in lieu of a bachelorette party, which I find awful) for the female wedding guests and family members to get to know each other prior to the wedding. If you called it just a party - the the whole feel of 'pre-wedding' fun would be lost.

[ny biker]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

You don't have to buy someone a gift from their registry. You don't have to go broke buying expensive gifts for someone.

Technically the only event where any gift is required is a shower. You are not required to give a gift for a wedding or engagement party.

And if she puts "gift cards preferred" on an invitation, she deserves to get a bunch of gift cards to McDonalds.

[indysteel]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

My head's hitting the keyboard. You should get an etiquette book as a gift for your friend; she could stand to learn a few things. Engagement gifts are not generally expected and, in any event, invitations should never refer to gift giving or registries and they should certainly never suggest what is preferred. Bridal shower invitations may refer to registries but ONLY because they are not coming from the bride or her immediate family, but rather from her bridesmaids or friends.

As a member of the bridal party, you are not required to attend every event or, if you do choose to attend, to buy gifts for each one. One shower and one wedding gift is more than enough and, even then, they remain voluntary, no matter what a bride may otherwise believe.

IMO, if a bride wants to throw something for her closest friends and family, I don't think it should be in the form of a shower and all that entails. I could sort of accept a "no gifts" luncheon or brunch, but even that's a stretch for me. Many brides host something as a way of thanking their bridal party but that's an opportunity for the bride to give, not get, gifts.

I, personally, find some logic in the rules of etiquette as they related to weddings and the like, in part, because I think people are losing sight of what is and isn't polite in this society. As someone else said, the wedding and reception are the celebration. I'd go a step farther to say that the marriage should ideally be the celebration......but that's because I'm a fan of eloping!

[uforgot]

Indysteel - great post! I'm in total agreement.

[Geonz]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

I would wonder ... sounds rather sad. Does she feel that unpopular? Is she that scared that she doesn't have enough stuff?

I might be inclined to think very creatively about making myself go broke for this person.

[salsabike]

In regards to my friend, who is hosting the wedding shower with the expensive gift registries...she also had an engagement party where in the invite she put 'gift cards preferred'.

She is having a big old wedding in September, and for that, her registry is at Bloomingdale's.

I'm going broke just on all her wedding related parties, which I have to attend, because i'm a bridesmaid. it's kind of sad because we wanted to plan her party, but she flat out refused. Kind of makes me wonder...

Please. Asking people to spend this much money is just plain WRONG. I don't care who throws what parties, but "Please remit expensive gifts" is NOT an okay message, period. Ugh.