Facebook-delisting, changing status

[Cataboo]

I sort of think by the teenage years - you should already have taught kids right from wrong behavior.

And definitely - teenagers are notorious for poor decision making... But for those of us that have admitted to being naughty or a bit wild as a teenager... how many of us would say that parental intervention would have changed things or would just just shifted it to a different venue? Or how many had parental intervention which ended up "straightening them out"? If your parents caught you having sex and yelled at you for it... did you become celibate for the rest of high school?

[teigyr]

As far as being a grown-up goes and using sites like Facebook, I feel they can be a valuable way to communicate. I also feel, however, that it can feed egotism (ie do we REALLY need to know excruciating details about what someone had for dinner or other little things unless there is a reason to?) and there is far too much dependence on making ones "voice heard". I do scan through my friends who have sites but if I have something to say to them, I say it privately. I really don't get things like Twitter - I don't have enough time to do my own things let alone read everyone else's. I sound harsh, I know.

As far as parental controls go, I'm definitely for them. I was one who always tried to get away with stuff and in retrospect, my parents knew FAR more than I thought they did. They were very much in control for some things and in others, they let me make mistakes. High School is very much a time of testing limits. Had I been able to get away with whatever I wanted, I know I would have been a lot worse off in the long run. Rules, along with values and self-confidence, allow the person to make good choices once they're not in the rebellious stage. I also think, for what it's worth, that the teenage years are all about finding oneself and limits have to be pushed. If there are no limits, it can really mess someone up. The friends I had with extremely permissive parents were GOOD kids (for the most part) but were/are pretty aimless.

There are a lot more resources for stalkers and Bad People now. STDs can be fatal. A kid/teenager might be mortified that their parents are checking out what they're doing online but then again I was mortified when my parents insisted on picking me up instead of letting me walk home from school when I was young. It's part of what parents do and I think far too many parents want to be a peer instead of a parent.

So sayeth me, the non-parent

[Crankin]

Well, I just read the last 2 pages of this thread. I have mixed feelings. I know what dangers are out there. My kids are grown up (24 and 26), but were extremely computer savvy at young ages. I also spent 30 years around middle school and HS kids.
But... I am a child of the sixties/early seventies. I was treated as a responsible adult as a teen. My parents trusted me and I could always tell them anything, even if I didn't. Did I do wild stuff? Sure. According to some of my former co-workers, I should be dead or burning in Hell for some of the stuff I did. I smoked weed, hung out on the Boston Common, and I ah, liked boys, too. Never did drink, though.
I never was shocked by what the kids at school were saying/doing when I taught, because I did almost all of it when I was their age. My own kids had a lot of freedom compared to their friends, but they also had a lot more responsibility; they worked, had to do stuff in the house, pay for their gas, etc. I didn't let them sit in my car at the end of the cul-de-sac, waiting for the bus. They stood out there in the rain (with an umbrella).
When my oldest son was 12 and in 6th grade, he asked me to drive him to the mall to meet a "girl" he had met on line. This was in 1994 or 95 and not too many kids were meeting people on line. I knew right away he was probably talking to some perv and I said no. We had a little chat and that was it. Yeah, that one spent too much time IMing, when I thought he was doing his homework, but he did manage to graduate with honors from college. I caught the younger one looking at porn when he was in 7th grade, on my computer. He was so embarrassed, that never happened again.
I don't think I would troll my kids Facebook accounts after an initial discussion of the dangers, etc.
My motto was "talk to them about everything." I guess it worked, because my kids never got in any trouble as teens. They were/are not geeks, and are socially responsible people.

[shootingstar]

As far as being a grown-up goes and using sites like Facebook, I feel they can be a valuable way to communicate. I also feel, however, that it can feed egotism (ie do we REALLY need to know excruciating details about what someone had for dinner or other little things unless there is a reason to?) and there is far too much dependence on making ones "voice heard". I do scan through my friends who have sites but if I have something to say to them, I say it privately. I really don't get things like Twitter - I don't have enough time to do my own things let alone read everyone else's. I sound harsh, I know.

As an aside from the use of FB by children and monitoring..

I'm afraid of cluttering my attention/brain with details about even my loved ones near and far away, on smaller details of their lives if getting on FB at this time.

haven't ruled out FB yet but for certain my nieces and nephews at this point, though polite kids that they are, probably can't be bothered with one of their ole fogey aunts, the inexplicable one riding around on her bike.

Haven't ruled out FB in personal life, but just gettin' family members to email more regularily is enough right now vs. by phone. Already I know one of them suspended her Internet account ages ago.... she is really on the budget edge, paying off her house mortgage-- solo. Parents will never be online....they are the older generation of working class immigrants. It's just a feat to speak and comprehend in the same language with them, particularily on complicated topics.

I'm one of the chattier ones online in the family, and also in my snail mail letters when sending gifts. Every one has a certain role in a birth family.

[kelownagirl]

Less cranky about crap now. Deleting thoughtless comments.

[ny biker]

I don't have kids. But fwiw, I work in an office building where 3 of the floors are leased by the local community college, and they hold classes here, so I see plenty of teenagers around the building every day. And I am amazed at how clueless they are. They literally don't know you are standing next to them in the elevator. And it's not because they are stupid or poorly raised, it's just obvious that their brains are not fully grown up yet. I'm sure I was just as clueless when I was that age.

So I do think that parents need to be involved as closely as possible in what their teenaged kids are up to. There are better and worse ways to be involved, and hopefully more parents are figuring out the better ways than not. I know it's not easy to do.

And I'm no Carolyn Hax, Catriona, but if you're over 21 and your mother is still telling you what time to go to bed, I suspect that your family issues extend beyond privacy.

[Cataboo]

And I'm no Carolyn Hax, Catriona, but if you're over 21 and your mother is still telling you what time to go to bed, I suspect that your family issues extend beyond privacy.

Ha. It's a long term fight. She married into a family of night owls and produced 5 kids that are as well.

Her bedtime was at 9 pm, and the rest of us naturally wanted to stay up till 3 am.

40 years later, it still drives her nuts that we wouldn't just be good kids and go to sleep at 9.

It probably doesn't help that with my Dad's side of the family and the rest of us, we sorta routinely call each other at 2 or 3 am since we all know the rest of us are going to still be awake.

Mom also tells me to go pee if I'm visiting her and we're gonna leave the house to go to the mall or something.

She's a fairly adorable mother, but she's had a hard time letting go over worrying about every single aspect of our lives. I get phone calls to remind me to lock the doors at night as well. And given that she knows I'm often awake early to drive long distances in traffic, she worries about my sleep deprivation.

[Cataboo]

I appreciated that you have a point of view but until you have your own kids, you really don't know. You are being very idealistic. It also depends a great deal on the crowd that your kids are exposed to - it depends on SO much. I did all of the things that you have said, and I do consider myself a good parent. I'm sure if you ask my adult daughters, they will say the same thing. However, I will still be vigilant and question what my kids do because I want to keep them alive. That does not mean I am being a copy, or being over protective. I cannot believe how many of my kids friends are allowed to go to bush parties for example. I know for a fact that their kids are puking drunk and driving home afterwards. I let my daughter go to one, she was driving and I was positive she wouldn't drink. It was a huge mistake. She rolled the car one the drive home, even tho she was sober, simply b/c she was inexperienced. She was fine but stupid me for feeling peer pressure from the other parents, Yadda yadda, I could go on and on, but I ask politely that you consider the fact that you DON"T have kids when you continue to argue your point.

Kelownagirl,

I'm not arguing a point. I'm discussing things, I could discuss or argue either side of this. And my last post was asking people if they considered parental interventions when they were a teenager effective. I also started it off with "I sort of think" which I know is an awfully aggressive way to start a post. I stated early on that everyone should raise their kids how they like.

Becoming a parent, does not magically make anyone an authority on anything, nor does it make them magically a responsible person who worries about the implications of everything their children are doing. Nor does it make them an authority with more valid opinions or qualifications than others. It's pretty obvious that neither of us know much about each other's lives and experiences, but I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that you're literate, you're on the computer, you're human, so your opinions have validity and are based on experiences in your own life and were not formed in a bubble devoid of life experiences and other people - and I won't ask that you prove that based on some litmus test before I consider your opinions.

[kelownagirl]

Kelownagirl,

I'm not arguing a point. I'm discussing things, I could discuss or argue either side of this. And my last post was asking people if they considered parental interventions when they were a teenager effective. I also started it off with "I sort of think" which I know is an awfully aggressive way to start a post. I stated early on that everyone should raise their kids how they like.

Becoming a parent, does not magically make anyone an authority on anything, nor does it make them magically a responsible person who worries about the implications of everything their children are doing. Nor does it make them an authority with more valid opinions or qualifications than others. It's pretty obvious that neither of us know much about each other's lives and experiences, but I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that you're literate, you're on the computer, you're human, so your opinions have validity and are based on experiences in your own life and were not formed in a bubble devoid of life experiences and other people - and I won't ask that you prove that based on some litmus test before I consider your opinions.

Just ignore me, I was stressed out and cranky when I wrote that. Sorry

[Cataboo]

No worries, I was a little cranky in return.