Facebook-delisting, changing status

[sgtiger]

Btw, in my unscientific sociology experiment watching my facebook friend's account who announced his grandmother died around the time this thread started - Only 3 of his 228 facebook friends actually responded.

Maybe some of them wrote him an email or called him. When I notice a post about difficulties my gfs are facing on facebook, I make sure to take time out to call. They do the same for me. Since the death of a loved one is of a personal nature, not everyone is going to post a public condolence. Although, I'm sure that, no, not everyone of those people are his true friends.

[Grog]

What a different upbringing I had!

I'm 31 now but I was on the pre-Internet (BBSs, for those who remember the good old days... and those forums that were updated once or twice daily by connecting to distant servers by phone lines with 2400 bps modems!) from... I don't know, age 12 or something? I made lots of friends of all sorts, some of whom became friends in-real-life, too, when I started going to local get togethers. My parents didn't really like me staying up late using the computer, but they didn't actively try to control my activities on it.

My parents gave myself and my brother a lot of autonomy. I wouldn't say freedom, I was grounded a number of times for various causes, but mostly not cleaning my room or fighting with my brother. I also had to help with the family business now and then. But it was always made clear that they trusted us to be responsible and make the right decisions. I was also a straight-A student, and I did some of the things mentioned above, and I still don't see what the problem was. I was empowered and it made me very mindful of my surroundings. I did get close to trouble, but I was never the one in trouble. Think about the sober kid at a party that prevents a drunk friend from leaving with a dubious man.

A few of the parties were held at my parents' place, in their attendance, and were always very decent. I can't recall for sure, but I think they encouraged me to invite my friends over. I was younger than many of them, so I guess meeting everybody was a way for my parents to confirm that they could trust my judgment.

Mind you, at 12 I was also running my own business. It was not just the fun stuff we were trusted with.

We had this conversation recently: my parents are so glad they gave us the freedom to make mistakes of our own. They are both from a family of 10+ kids where you had to look after yourself (and your younger siblings) because the parents had other things to do. To my parents, looking closely over my brother's and my shoulder would have been unthinkable. We both did a bunch of mistakes, sure, but nothing lethal. Knowing that my parents' expectations of me were very high, that they expected me to use good judgment as a teenager, I worked hard to live up to that expectation. I did some things they perhaps would have disagreed with, but nothing that was foolish.

One could say that today's dangers are so much worse. Sure, nobody wants their kid (or friend) to take crystal meth, because only one experiment and they might be stuck in it for verrry long, if not life. That wasn't around back then. Internet stalkers were perhaps not as much of an issue, although my experience says that they were around even 15 years ago. But I don't think that closely monitoring anyone's activities would prevent those anyway.

[Cataboo]

There was heroin & acid trips before there was crystal meth.

If you teach your kids to respect their bodies and to not need that sort of attention from the opposite sex, they won't be posting naked pictures on the internet.

However, that being said - the people that are posting naked pictures on the internet or sexting each other on the cell phones were the girls walking around in short skirts when I was in high school and dropping things so they could bend over... Or the ones who would walk around in their bra & undies in the locker room and then dash out to the gym to get something they forgot.

Grog, I'm older than you by a couple of years & I also did the BBS thing - but was on the internet by maybe 16. I had access in high school, and then a friend that I knew in college gave me his college passwords so I could get on the internet dial up.

I maybe met a couple people from the local bbs... The local high school (I went to a magnet one) ran a bbs, and you could just go to the football games or stop by their computer club and meet a lot of people. There was a commodore users group that held meetings at the library. My parents would let me go to a meeting if they were there.


I've been helping a lot of older people get on the internet lately - and I swear it takes more time to make sure they don't do risky thing with their credit card numbers and fill out every email they get... And in talking to them (they're like 60-70)... underage sex and the rest of that didn't get invented with this current generation.

[smurfalicious]

Ha ha! My mom is on Facebook, mostly I think because my sister in law is super into that stuff and got her to sign up. She's one of my friends, and that's cool with me. My mom is my best friend, always has been, always will be. I never really went through that whole embarrassed by my parents phase. I realized they got me places I wanted to go, and I liked my mom's company better than the emotional disasters that most teenage girls were. We had fun together. I got perfect grades, so sometimes I had "doctor's appointments" she had to pull me out of school for. Usually the doctor was at the lake with fishing poles, or the movie theater.

I hear you guys on the "perfect kids" thing though. There were girls in my honors classes that uh, to put it blatantly were scandalous hookers but everyone thought they were saints. They were smoking pot, drinking, sleeping with anything that would move. Of course their perfect status meant you had to overhear their conversations because they were impervious to rumors. I never did that and mom suspected I did because I was too innocent. I guess I got a lot of independence and responsibility for my little bro after the divorce and that was enough for me. I liked my mom trusting me to go out dancing with my best friend at the all ages club in town. Why would I blow that?

There is some girl who keeps sending me friend requests, I keep denying them. She went to my high school, but since I attended 3 and have zero friends I keep in touch with I don't remember her. The biggest things on her profile are her adoration of Sarah Palin and John McCain so I'm pretty stinking sure we weren't friends. Flaming liberal with two mommies that I am and all.

My "niece" just turned 17 and she's had phone taken away for certain text messages before. Her parents are amazing, if I thought I could be like them, I'd have kids. They have four, which seems like a lot but I would spend the day with all four of them any day because they are awesome kids. In the girls defense, the messages weren't that bad, she didn't mean for them to be, but in the eyes of teenage boys they could have been. So that was explained to her, and she had quite the puppy dog face because she doesn't think that way. I applaud her parents for being involved.

[GeoCam]

I think all of this just strikes a nerve for me because it is the nub of my greatest fear and uncertainty as a parent. I am a single mom and I adopted my girls, so there is no dad in the picture - I have to make all the decisions. Within the next few months the girls will be 12 and 14, and the issues we deal with are rapidly becoming more frequent and less clear-cut.

The "let them make their own mistakes" school of thought sounds great to me in theory and that is what I have pretty much done with them so far, but it is now starting to terrify me. It seems that the world is more dangerous now and that kids are exposed to more things at a much younger age. I have done my best to teach and prepare them, but it gets harder and harder to sit back and let them make their own mistakes as the consequences of bad decisions become more serious.

I know from my own experience that knowing right from wrong is not always enough. I was not a dumb kid - I was valedictorian of my high school class - but I did incredibly stupid things. I engaged in lots of potentially lethal behavior, almost on a daily basis. It was the 70's - sex, drugs, and rock & roll, with a whole lot of alcohol as well. I often think about how lucky I am that nothing really bad happened and marvel that my peers and I even managed to survive. My parents had no idea what I was up to. They thought I was a very responsible kid. I got straight A's. I had a job from the time I was 13 or 14. I paid for my own car and clothes, etc. They simply had no clue. I had 10 brothers and sisters and what my parents expected of me was to not cause them any trouble. I met their expectations because I never got caught.

I want to be much more vigilant than my parents were, but I don't want to make all of their decisions for them.

So I struggle all the time - where is the line between keeping them safe and being overprotective? I just don't know.

[Grog]

So I struggle all the time - where is the line between keeping them safe and being overprotective? I just don't know.

Great question indeed.

Good luck with your girls.

[Cataboo]

I sort of think by the teenage years - you should already have taught kids right from wrong behavior.

And definitely - teenagers are notorious for poor decision making... But for those of us that have admitted to being naughty or a bit wild as a teenager... how many of us would say that parental intervention would have changed things or would just just shifted it to a different venue? Or how many had parental intervention which ended up "straightening them out"? If your parents caught you having sex and yelled at you for it... did you become celibate for the rest of high school?

[teigyr]

As far as being a grown-up goes and using sites like Facebook, I feel they can be a valuable way to communicate. I also feel, however, that it can feed egotism (ie do we REALLY need to know excruciating details about what someone had for dinner or other little things unless there is a reason to?) and there is far too much dependence on making ones "voice heard". I do scan through my friends who have sites but if I have something to say to them, I say it privately. I really don't get things like Twitter - I don't have enough time to do my own things let alone read everyone else's. I sound harsh, I know.

As far as parental controls go, I'm definitely for them. I was one who always tried to get away with stuff and in retrospect, my parents knew FAR more than I thought they did. They were very much in control for some things and in others, they let me make mistakes. High School is very much a time of testing limits. Had I been able to get away with whatever I wanted, I know I would have been a lot worse off in the long run. Rules, along with values and self-confidence, allow the person to make good choices once they're not in the rebellious stage. I also think, for what it's worth, that the teenage years are all about finding oneself and limits have to be pushed. If there are no limits, it can really mess someone up. The friends I had with extremely permissive parents were GOOD kids (for the most part) but were/are pretty aimless.

There are a lot more resources for stalkers and Bad People now. STDs can be fatal. A kid/teenager might be mortified that their parents are checking out what they're doing online but then again I was mortified when my parents insisted on picking me up instead of letting me walk home from school when I was young. It's part of what parents do and I think far too many parents want to be a peer instead of a parent.

So sayeth me, the non-parent

[Crankin]

Well, I just read the last 2 pages of this thread. I have mixed feelings. I know what dangers are out there. My kids are grown up (24 and 26), but were extremely computer savvy at young ages. I also spent 30 years around middle school and HS kids.
But... I am a child of the sixties/early seventies. I was treated as a responsible adult as a teen. My parents trusted me and I could always tell them anything, even if I didn't. Did I do wild stuff? Sure. According to some of my former co-workers, I should be dead or burning in Hell for some of the stuff I did. I smoked weed, hung out on the Boston Common, and I ah, liked boys, too. Never did drink, though.
I never was shocked by what the kids at school were saying/doing when I taught, because I did almost all of it when I was their age. My own kids had a lot of freedom compared to their friends, but they also had a lot more responsibility; they worked, had to do stuff in the house, pay for their gas, etc. I didn't let them sit in my car at the end of the cul-de-sac, waiting for the bus. They stood out there in the rain (with an umbrella).
When my oldest son was 12 and in 6th grade, he asked me to drive him to the mall to meet a "girl" he had met on line. This was in 1994 or 95 and not too many kids were meeting people on line. I knew right away he was probably talking to some perv and I said no. We had a little chat and that was it. Yeah, that one spent too much time IMing, when I thought he was doing his homework, but he did manage to graduate with honors from college. I caught the younger one looking at porn when he was in 7th grade, on my computer. He was so embarrassed, that never happened again.
I don't think I would troll my kids Facebook accounts after an initial discussion of the dangers, etc.
My motto was "talk to them about everything." I guess it worked, because my kids never got in any trouble as teens. They were/are not geeks, and are socially responsible people.

[shootingstar]

As far as being a grown-up goes and using sites like Facebook, I feel they can be a valuable way to communicate. I also feel, however, that it can feed egotism (ie do we REALLY need to know excruciating details about what someone had for dinner or other little things unless there is a reason to?) and there is far too much dependence on making ones "voice heard". I do scan through my friends who have sites but if I have something to say to them, I say it privately. I really don't get things like Twitter - I don't have enough time to do my own things let alone read everyone else's. I sound harsh, I know.

As an aside from the use of FB by children and monitoring..

I'm afraid of cluttering my attention/brain with details about even my loved ones near and far away, on smaller details of their lives if getting on FB at this time.

haven't ruled out FB yet but for certain my nieces and nephews at this point, though polite kids that they are, probably can't be bothered with one of their ole fogey aunts, the inexplicable one riding around on her bike.

Haven't ruled out FB in personal life, but just gettin' family members to email more regularily is enough right now vs. by phone. Already I know one of them suspended her Internet account ages ago.... she is really on the budget edge, paying off her house mortgage-- solo. Parents will never be online....they are the older generation of working class immigrants. It's just a feat to speak and comprehend in the same language with them, particularily on complicated topics.

I'm one of the chattier ones online in the family, and also in my snail mail letters when sending gifts. Every one has a certain role in a birth family.

[kelownagirl]

Less cranky about crap now. Deleting thoughtless comments.

[ny biker]

I don't have kids. But fwiw, I work in an office building where 3 of the floors are leased by the local community college, and they hold classes here, so I see plenty of teenagers around the building every day. And I am amazed at how clueless they are. They literally don't know you are standing next to them in the elevator. And it's not because they are stupid or poorly raised, it's just obvious that their brains are not fully grown up yet. I'm sure I was just as clueless when I was that age.

So I do think that parents need to be involved as closely as possible in what their teenaged kids are up to. There are better and worse ways to be involved, and hopefully more parents are figuring out the better ways than not. I know it's not easy to do.

And I'm no Carolyn Hax, Catriona, but if you're over 21 and your mother is still telling you what time to go to bed, I suspect that your family issues extend beyond privacy.

[Cataboo]

I appreciated that you have a point of view but until you have your own kids, you really don't know. You are being very idealistic. It also depends a great deal on the crowd that your kids are exposed to - it depends on SO much. I did all of the things that you have said, and I do consider myself a good parent. I'm sure if you ask my adult daughters, they will say the same thing. However, I will still be vigilant and question what my kids do because I want to keep them alive. That does not mean I am being a copy, or being over protective. I cannot believe how many of my kids friends are allowed to go to bush parties for example. I know for a fact that their kids are puking drunk and driving home afterwards. I let my daughter go to one, she was driving and I was positive she wouldn't drink. It was a huge mistake. She rolled the car one the drive home, even tho she was sober, simply b/c she was inexperienced. She was fine but stupid me for feeling peer pressure from the other parents, Yadda yadda, I could go on and on, but I ask politely that you consider the fact that you DON"T have kids when you continue to argue your point.

Kelownagirl,

I'm not arguing a point. I'm discussing things, I could discuss or argue either side of this. And my last post was asking people if they considered parental interventions when they were a teenager effective. I also started it off with "I sort of think" which I know is an awfully aggressive way to start a post. I stated early on that everyone should raise their kids how they like.

Becoming a parent, does not magically make anyone an authority on anything, nor does it make them magically a responsible person who worries about the implications of everything their children are doing. Nor does it make them an authority with more valid opinions or qualifications than others. It's pretty obvious that neither of us know much about each other's lives and experiences, but I'll give you the benefit of a doubt that you're literate, you're on the computer, you're human, so your opinions have validity and are based on experiences in your own life and were not formed in a bubble devoid of life experiences and other people - and I won't ask that you prove that based on some litmus test before I consider your opinions.