Facebook-delisting, changing status

[GeoCam]

I told her if she wanted an account, I have to be one of her friends, period.

Same here with my 13yo daughter. It has been quite a learning experience for me to see what kinds of things her "friends" are posting and saying (some of these kids I know well; some not at all). WOW. I sometimes can barely resist the urge to ask some of these mothers if they have even a clue what their babies are putting out there - and some of their accounts are set up with NO security and even strangers can view their entire profiles!

A few good teaching moments have arisen between my daughter and I as I have (gently) questioned her about something she has posted. I tell her how it would sound to me if someone else's kid had said that and have to keep reminding her that it is not just her really close friends who see what she writes. I just want her to think a bit more before she posts - it's NOT private!!! In spite of my frequent lectures on the topic and my pretty strict control of her internet access, it's amazing how little she comprehends about how far reaching the internet is and how dangerous it can be.

I also could not believe how many kids announced on FB that their families were getting ready to leave on spring break. Since some of them have very low security awareness, there is enough information there to easily find out where they live (we are not in a big city). It's scary!! If they have also been indiscriminate in who they friend or if their whole page is public, it's like taking out an internet ad that says, "Nobody is home for a few days - come help yourselves to our valuables."

I'm sure there will come a time when I feel comfortable unfriending my daughter so that she can have some privacy from me, but we're nowhere close to that point.

[Irulan]

Geocam and Maillotpois, I applaud and support your approach. It's not like you want to control them... just create awareness and use the medium for teachable moments. Hats off to you, sounds right to me.

My boys are essentially adults now ( 19 & 23) so its' a non issue for us.

[Tuckervill]

I'm in the same camp--If I don't have access to my son's passwords, then he doesn't have access to the internet.

I am friends with many teenagers on Facebook, the same way I am friends with them in real life. I don't get why that is weird, but today I was talking to a friend and her daughter said it was creepy when she found out her father had a Facebook page. It cracks me up that they think they own the internet! lol.

MySpace was way worse than Facebook. I always looked at my son's friends pages through his page, and I was frequently appalled by the pictures that even the boys posted. I kept thinking of the pervs that must be trolling for pictures of shirtless young boys. Until recently my son wasn't allowed to even show his face on his Myspace. He doesn't use Myspace anymore, anyway. Facebook is way more secure, but he's not interested. I like it much better.

Karen

[Cataboo]

Not that I'm a teenager anymore - but I gotta say, I'd have thrown a fit if my parents had wanted to keep track of all of that stuff. The same as I'd have found it bizarre if my parents wanted to hang out in my bedroom every time I had a slumber party with my girlfriends. Or read every note that I was passing in school. Or if they were reading my diary.

Privacy is and always has been extremely important to me - and I was well aware of the dangers of the internet when I was younger and the lecherous old men around - when I was younger there really wasn't all that many females on the internet and you were an instant target if you were. I typically would either pretend to be male or an unappealing female. Or older. And definitely privacy included privacy from my parents.

Actually, I'd have pitched a private fit and would have set things up so there were dummy accounts that my parents could see, and my real accounts that I could do what I wanted on - and that would have been a matter of principle. And, while my father was an engineer, I was way more computer savvy than he was and just naturally more at ease with them.

I don't remember what it was, but my parents would occasionally take away my internet access when I was grounded. Disconnect the phone line to my room. That usually entailed me waiting till my parents went to sleep, reconnecting the phone line to my room (reconnecting the wires in the utility room), having the old antiquitated commodore 64 in my room so i could play games (with a borrowed modem from a friend), dialing up and using the internet at night completely text based. I'd surf for a while, go disconnect my phone line, and go to sleep.

For the most part, I was a pretty good kid. I never drank, I never did drugs, I never partied. I did ocassionally sneak out to do wild things like... Hang out at the 24 hour walmart and maybe ride skateboards or bikes in the store. I do confess to having liked boys, though! I snuck out to a party once or twice, and being the responsible one that didn't drink, I spent way too much time babysitting the drunk kids, so I had no desire to go to parties after that.

Anyways - everyone can raise their kids how they want, but I know I resented and did not like it anytime my parents thought they had a right to invade my privacy just because - or couldn't trust me to make good choices.

I still keep my computers & email locked up pretty tight, even if I trust someone and it's pretty much an unforgivable sin if someone starts poking around in my accounts. And no... it's not like I'm up to anything on them.

[eclectic]

Not that I'm a teenager anymore - but I gotta say, I'd have thrown a fit if my parents had wanted to keep track of all of that stuff.
Anyways - everyone can raise their kids how they want, but I know I resented and did not like it anytime my parents thought they had a right to invade my privacy just because - or couldn't trust me to make good choices.
.

Just a question Catriona. Do you have any children?
If not you may understand your parents decisions a little better if you did.

If you do then I hope you have VERY trustworthy children and you never find anything out that will break that trust.

As an educator in a high school setting I applaud the parents who snoop. Kids talk in my class and parents would NEVER believe what their 4.0 honor roll sons and daughters are up to on the weekend and how many are going to the clinic across the street to get birth control, (they ARE 4.0 students after all and not stupid, I do have to commend them on that.) and how many are weekend pot smokers (their children would NEVER do drugs).
Perhaps if a few more parents would snoop there would be a little less of it going on.

But alas, even when confronted w/ evidence redhanded a lot of these parents still don't believe their little darlings would EVER do anything like that - their friends must have coerced them into doing it.

BTW I am friends on FB w/ my 21 yo daughter. We are both aware it is a public site. I think some of what she puts on there is inappropriate and tell her face to face (or by texting) I don't declare it on the site. AND most of the time we don't even check each other's out.

[Cataboo]

ecletic,

I haven't had kids, but I've had much younger brothers & my father died early enough that I did play a big role in their teenage years and I knew myself and how I responded to my parents and how basically all 5 of us kids did... It was impossible to actually talk to my parents or to go to them with problems because of the overreaction or the consequences. I'm definitely not trying to demean or insult my parents in anyway or how they raised us - because we all turned out fine, I love them, and I get why they did the things they did. However, they did create 5 kids that are extremely secretive, can't go to them to calmly discuss their problems and get advice and the rest of that, and all of us still go to each other for advice instead of our mother.

Anyways in regards to my younger brother - yes - I snooped when he was a teenager, there'd been a few deaths & illnesses in the family & I was pretty concerned about his mental health and possibly self destructive behavior at various points. But I snooped very carefully knowing that my younger brother was way more computer savvy than I was and very bright and if at any point he suspected, he'd be able to lock me out of all his accounts and his computer to the extent that I'd never find anything. Now, I guess I could have had my mother take away his computer in retaliation for him locking me out of everything - but the reality was that the computer was an extremely good outlet for him, he's still great with them, and he writes extremely powerful prose & poetry to express his feelings - and he never really shows that stuff to anyone but a few of his closest friends. Without a computer, he'd have lost a valuable outlet that was helping him cope, or he'd have gone to a library or stayed at school to do that stuff, or done it on friend's computers - and I wouldn't have access to that.

But for the most part, I was a non-judgemental snoop, if what I found was concerning enough or he expressed a wish to have a therapist to a friend and didn't think we'd go for the idea.... I'd wait a few weeks or whatever, get my mother on board, and maneuver a conversation to offer it to him. Mostly he was a good kid that worked hard in school and had teenage angst, he experimented a little bit with drinking, maybe said off color things, etc. When I knew he was doing some drinking, it was obvious he really wasn't enjoying it - it was making sure he could spend a night at the person's house he was doing it with to make sure he or noone else wouldn't be driving and the opportunity to do it a few times was enough for him to realize that it wasn't fixing anything and that was the end of that.

Now, I suppose you could argue that maybe if I'd chewed him out everytime he said something off color to his friends or knew he was drinking, that he'd be a better person today - but I just did my best to provide guidance without him realizing I was snooping and left it at that.

[Tuckervill]

It was impossible to actually talk to my parents or to go to them with problems because of the overreaction or the consequences.

This is EXACTLY why I have access to my (last) son (at home)'s passwords. (My older sons are adults and I'm not entitled to their passwords anymore.) We've never over-reacted to problems or imposed unnatural consequences for things that happen, or things he's done. Thus, he trusts me to look out for his best interest and he gives them to me willingly; he's even relieved that he doesn't have to hide anything.

But then, we live an unusual life, wherein school is not a factor (education is!), and therefore we have never had a cause for an adversarial parent/teenager relationship. We believe that "teenage rebellion" is not a natural occurrence, but one that is formed and created through the separation of children from their parents when they first begin school at age 4, 5 or 6.

I know what you're thinking: Mama's boy. Shivering little weinie hiding behind his mother's apron. Nah. He is 15 and has his own car (still learning to drive), a job and his own money. He flies across the country alone to visit friends regularly. He can bicycle all over town, to the movies, etc., and he does. He is a regular at our gym during the day and all the old ladies love him.

I know what else you're thinking: A kid with no consequences=spoiled brat. Nah. Actions have their own consequences. I don't have to impose them. If he doesn't do his laundry, he has no clean clothes. If he leaves his bike out in the rain, rusty bike. If he doesn't call to tell me he won't be home by dinner, I might worry and be a little less willing to believe him when he says he'll be home next time.

We live in a mutual relationship, instead of an master/subject one. If there is nothing to rebel against, there's no rebellion. ::shrug::

Karen

[maillotpois]

Same here with my 13yo daughter. It has been quite a learning experience for me to see what kinds of things her "friends" are posting and saying (some of these kids I know well; some not at all). WOW. I sometimes can barely resist the urge to ask some of these mothers if they have even a clue what their babies are putting out there - and some of their accounts are set up with NO security and even strangers can view their entire profiles!

I completely agree - some of the stuff I read, after knowing most of these kids since they were kindergartners - it can be pretty horrifying.

[kelownagirl]

I won't let my 11 year old son have Facebook altho many of his friends do. My 13 yo nephews and nieces have pages and I was appalled at some of the pics on the girl's page. If my preteen was on facebook, I'd have access to their account or they wouldn't be allowed to have it.

[Cataboo]

I hope you guys never get sneaky kids who are good with computers

[kelownagirl]

I hope you guys never get sneaky kids who are good with computers

You are correct that kids can, and will hide stuff anyway. but you are a fool if you don't keep tabs on them. ('you' not to be taken literally) I was an awful teen and I know many of the best tricks so it's hard to get things past me. I've raised two pretty good teens in my house who only got into a little trouble but I will likely be much stricter with the third one. I learned that the hard way.

[Mr. Bloom]

You are correct that kids can, and will hide stuff anyway.

Amen, but this ability doesn't absolve us of the responsibility of being a parent. Ours are 15 and 18 now...the older has near total freedom now because she's an adult (no matter how financially dependent she remains ), but rest assured that until that 18th birthday, we were responsible and engaged.

Until they're grown, knowing who they hang out with and what they're exposed to - online or offline - is a basic parenting responsibility. We can't protect them from all their mistakes, but we certainly can let them know that we're interested and observing.

Tonight, daddy's 18 year old little girl...will have her senior prom...and I'll be beaming with pride over who she's become!

[kelownagirl]

Amen, but this ability doesn't absolve us of the responsibility of being a parent. Ours are 15 and 18 now...the older has near total freedom now because she's an adult (no matter how financially dependent she remains ), but rest assured that until that 18th birthday, we were responsible and engaged.

Until they're grown, knowing who they hang out with and what they're exposed to - online or offline - is a basic parenting responsibility. We can't protect them from all their mistakes, but we certainly can let them know that we're interested and observing.

Tonight, daddy's 18 year old little girl...will have her senior prom...and I'll be beaming with pride over who she's become!

I agree exactly. The thing I'm going to do differently with my next teen (he's 11 now) is that I'm not going to be scared to call the parents of the kids I don't know. If he says he's staying over at friend's house, I am going to call an ask the parents if they will be home etc. If he's got nothing to hide, then he shouldn't balk at that. My girls didn't want me to do that because they thought it made me look overprotective and "no one else's mom does that... lol" stupid me for feeling that pressure. I have already let my son know the future ground rules.

When I see kids wandering the streets at 11pm, I wonder if their parents know where they are. I dont' want to be one of those parents.