Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[Mr. Bloom]

Hmmm...free spirit wife/security minded husband...terrible communicators...WOW! that sounds like us But, through counseling we've learned to balance and overcome

I commend you for sensing the need and having the courage to seek help(((((TB)))))

[alpinerabbit]

Just one thing I want to add is something I read somewhere: high volume endurance athletes are candidates for depression, and training and competing is used to mask the lows. (well the depression trait is probably first).

So you tough iron chick are probably a good candidate for that. Winter funk, boink, down you go.

Take care of yourself and your best friend. (I hope that's what he is to you, at least)

[twin]

Tri Girl,
I can not speak to the long years of marriage I hope you are doing better and are seeking someone to talk with. I hope you figure out what you need and what the two of you need. Surely someone will have an opening somewhere so that you can change your job. I understand you would like to commute by bike and that would maybe make you feel better and more free. If you need anything or someone to talk to I will PM info. for you.

[bouncybouncy]

Wow...us too! (free spirit wife/security minded husband...but so many other opposites that we constantly work on to merge...a planner/spontaneous...opposites attract is an understatement in our relationship!!!

I had that "I am sad" conversation not too long ago...I just want to say that it was very important that he understood it was NOT him causing my sadness. It was within me and I needed to work it out. I wanted him to go along the journey with me...we have the same communication issues but have forced ourselves to work through it. In one way it was to not make every conversation a looong, deep one...some of our very important conversations are quick, on-liners to let the other know we are aware of our behavior...bad or good. I hope that makes sense...

[Irulan]

One thing that we got out of marriage counseling was training in how to better communicate. This will sound crazy, but we actually had a script from our counselor, and we were to only use this script for certain issues. What is was, really,was active listening training but we didn't know it at the time. It certainly did help us learn to communicate much more effectively, and adressed the core issues that most men and women seem to have with communication.

[eclectic]

Tri-girl I typed this before I read your most recent post but I decided to send it anyway. Please don't think you were overly dramatic when you made the pylon reference at the time it can be too real.

Your post has been haunting me since I read it. Not so much on the marriage issue - That is normal rubberbanding and will ebb and flow - but the part about just wanting to drive into the pylons.

My sister has attempted suicide and luckily was intercepted and put into treatment. She described the feelings of wanting to end it and they were real - All her levels had dropped so low she said she felt like she was drowning and just struggling to stay afloat, gasping for air.

She said the same thing - just open the door of the car and step out while her husband was driving, just swerve into the barriers . . . neither of those were her method of choice but they were the beginning of the thoughts.

I am telling her story to contrast w/ mine. When my significant other died last year I wanted to die to. But the difference was, I didn't think of committing any act to do myself in. I just wanted to be w/ him and didn't see a purpose to my life anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died. Also I was no longer afraid of death and if it happened would have welcomed it. BUT at no time did I ever think any ways I could die.

So the conclusion of this scenario, I was able to work through my feelings w/ grief therapy, my sister needed therapy and medication. Luckily she finally found a Dr. who diagnosed her correctly - she is bipolar and now on the correct meds. She was being treated for depression and was on the wrong meds. It took until she was 52 to finally be diagnosed correctly.

I am glad to hear you are planning on getting help - Run, don't walk to your nearest mental health center. And definately, as was advised, tell them about your thoughts.

Please don't let a semi-good clear thought day prevent you from getting the help you are needing, it is too easy to fall into "I am doing ok today I guess I don't need any help" Often when the next bout hits it is worse.

Good luck and please keep us informed - we care about you

[Tri Girl]

Thanks, everyone.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist today. She came highly recommended from a friend who works with her. Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then. I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain.
Thanks again for all your thoughts.
Eclectic, the story of your sister made me so sad, but I'm glad that she finally is diagnosed correctly and feeling much better. And I don't know what you went through last year (I mean- I know that your SO passed away, but I can't empathize with you), and I'm glad that you had help to see you through that terribly sad and devastating part of your life (which I'm sure you're still not entirely through with).
I know my situation isn't anything huge. My teaching partner's son is slowly dying of a brain tumor that can't be operated on or treated with anymore chemo. SHE has it rough. My good friend is leaving her husband this week with her two young daughters. SHE has it rough. I know we all have our cross to bear, I just try to remember that my problems aren't that bad (but I guess if they're the worst problems I'm facing then they're that bad).

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Thank you all so very much!!!

[Wahine]

I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I don't feel like I have anything useful to add right now but I would just reiterate the importance of communication and the need to take care of yourself. The step you've taken towards couseling is a good one. ((((((Hugs))))))

[michelem]

Normal, yes. But, does this mean your marriage is doomed? NO!

Not sure if you believe in God, but my husband and I found the movie Fireproof to be very inspirational to our marriage (I think it's out on dvd now). I also bought the book from the movie, "The Love Dare." It includes 40 days of things to do to improve your marriage. I think you're supposed to do one thing per day, but some of them are quite challenging to me and I've gotten stuck on them for more like a week (like not complaining or being negative)! It's really helping our relationship though.

Anyway, just some ideas for you . . .

I'm glad you've decided to get some help for yourself. Depression stinks.

[Mr. Bloom]

Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then

Resolve to hang in there no matter what

BUT, please promise that if you get any persistent urge to do something impulsive, please, please, please go to the ER for immediate assistance.

AND, keep the appointment even if you're feeling better by then.

You've got a group of us rallied around you now with warm, understanding thoughts You're not alone (even in an electronic world)

[Tri Girl]

I told DH I was going to see a dr. He was very supportive. He said that if I felt that sad and needed to do it, then it's something I should do. I told him I was feeling very sad lately and that I was worried that we weren't OK. He said that we are a LONG way from the big D and that we're good. He's a man of few words, so that was actually saying A LOT. I feel better. Talking about feelings is VERY hard for me (unless it's a stranger and then it's very easy), so my even saying anything is huge. It'll all be OK.

Thanks again, guys and gals.

[teigyr]

Yay.

I am so glad you are getting help and that you told your husband. Sometimes fear is worse if you don't confront it and I am so very happy that he is supportive. Things build, especially if you just let them fester in your mind. Fester's an icky word, sorry.

I think you're brave but that goes right along with everything else you've accomplished. (((hugs)))

[bouncybouncy]

I told DH I was going to see a dr. He was very supportive. He said that if I felt that sad and needed to do it, then it's something I should do. I told him I was feeling very sad lately and that I was worried that we weren't OK. He said that we are a LONG way from the big D and that we're good.

That almost brought me to tears...sounds like a conversation I had with my hubby not too long ago! I proceeded to see someone and opening lines of communication with hubby little by little (baby steps!!!) and we are in such great place now...and it has only been a couple months!

Keep that appointment!!! And make a few more...one is never enough! Keep those conversations going with your hubby...regardless how "few" words there are! you are on the right path now so keep moving...

[Serendipity]

Thanks, everyone.
I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain.

Tri-Girl, I think the most important thing in what you have said is that you are doing a good thing for yourself....so true! Please don't let any stigma prevent you from getting help that will make your life better.

In 2000/2001, I went through a very difficult time; over the course of a year and a half, my mother, my (estranged) husband and my brother died, each after rather long illnesses. My GP referred me to a grief counselor - I can tell you that was the best thing I ever did for me. This was an opprtunity to talk with a professional about my feelings (anger, guilt, among others) and understand that those feelings weren't unusual, nor did they make me a bad person. There were just a couple of things that she said to me that were eureka moments. I can't tell you what a burden was lifted.

The second part of my experience is that I made no secret of the fact that I was going to counselling - didn't talk about it all the time, but didn't deny it. As a result, a number of people actually talked to me about the fact that they had gone for counselling at some point. You might be amazed at the people who have sought help in this way - but it is often a stigma, as you say, or something that is kept a secret.

Also wanted to mention that ups and downs are normal in a relationshp - marriage or otherwise. I have since remarried - we've been together for almost seven years - and I there are days when my DH is fed up/annoyed with me ... and some days when I am the same with him. But we can move on from that.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded, but hope this helps in some way.

[ACG]

Therapy is an excellent idea and congratulations for taking charge of your life.
I was married 25 years. I am now divorced. All relationships have ups/downs.

Therapy helped me see the distructiveness of the relationship. Even though I don't ever talk to my ex, I think we are both very happy where we are now.


Good luck, lots of hugs!