Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[Tri Girl]

I'm sitting here in tears because I feel all the love... so much of it. I thank you all so much for all your stories and pieces of advice. Tonight I feel much better about things. Tomorrow may be another story. I will seek professional help for sure. A good friend's parents are therapists and I will ask them for recommendations. After re-reading my post, I think I may have been a little dramatic about the highway pylon thing. I don't think I'm suicidal (just wandering thoughts, albeit very morbid and unhealthy ones).
I just feel empty inside and don't know why... it's very scary to me.

After reading what you all wrote, I know that I love my husband very much and would really hate life without him. I just need to learn how to be the free spirit/nomad that I am while being married to the safe/security-minded person he is. He's a good man, I think it's just a bump (from reading what you all have said about ups and downs). Many of you have said that sadness/depression can make even the smallest problems seem like a mountainous one. I think that may be the problem. I'm not remembering all the good things, just the little ones that I'm amplifying. Yes, my job is definitely a HUGE stressor this year. It's making my life miserable, but it will pass. I just need to learn how to cope better with things.

I'm going to call some counselors tomorrow. He worked late so we won't talk tonight, but I'll sit down with him tomorrow night and tell him that I'm sad and I need help. Maybe it'll make him feel better, too. Someone said that maybe he feels empty and lost, too. We're both just terrible communicators, so discussions about real heavy things are uncomfortable at best, but in this case are very needed.

Thank you all again, from the very bottom of my heart. I have 5 sisters and 2 mothers, but I don't talk to any of them. It helps to have sisters (and a brother) here on the web. I appreciate you all more than you can ever know. Thank you for being my support system. You've helped set me in the right direction and let me know I'm not alone. Hugs! You have really helped me and I am grateful. Thank you.

[Irulan]

hugs back at ya. I don't get verklempt here at TE too much but that did it for me.

[Mr. Bloom]

Hmmm...free spirit wife/security minded husband...terrible communicators...WOW! that sounds like us But, through counseling we've learned to balance and overcome

I commend you for sensing the need and having the courage to seek help(((((TB)))))

[alpinerabbit]

Just one thing I want to add is something I read somewhere: high volume endurance athletes are candidates for depression, and training and competing is used to mask the lows. (well the depression trait is probably first).

So you tough iron chick are probably a good candidate for that. Winter funk, boink, down you go.

Take care of yourself and your best friend. (I hope that's what he is to you, at least)

[twin]

Tri Girl,
I can not speak to the long years of marriage I hope you are doing better and are seeking someone to talk with. I hope you figure out what you need and what the two of you need. Surely someone will have an opening somewhere so that you can change your job. I understand you would like to commute by bike and that would maybe make you feel better and more free. If you need anything or someone to talk to I will PM info. for you.

[bouncybouncy]

Wow...us too! (free spirit wife/security minded husband...but so many other opposites that we constantly work on to merge...a planner/spontaneous...opposites attract is an understatement in our relationship!!!

I had that "I am sad" conversation not too long ago...I just want to say that it was very important that he understood it was NOT him causing my sadness. It was within me and I needed to work it out. I wanted him to go along the journey with me...we have the same communication issues but have forced ourselves to work through it. In one way it was to not make every conversation a looong, deep one...some of our very important conversations are quick, on-liners to let the other know we are aware of our behavior...bad or good. I hope that makes sense...

[Irulan]

One thing that we got out of marriage counseling was training in how to better communicate. This will sound crazy, but we actually had a script from our counselor, and we were to only use this script for certain issues. What is was, really,was active listening training but we didn't know it at the time. It certainly did help us learn to communicate much more effectively, and adressed the core issues that most men and women seem to have with communication.

[eclectic]

Tri-girl I typed this before I read your most recent post but I decided to send it anyway. Please don't think you were overly dramatic when you made the pylon reference at the time it can be too real.

Your post has been haunting me since I read it. Not so much on the marriage issue - That is normal rubberbanding and will ebb and flow - but the part about just wanting to drive into the pylons.

My sister has attempted suicide and luckily was intercepted and put into treatment. She described the feelings of wanting to end it and they were real - All her levels had dropped so low she said she felt like she was drowning and just struggling to stay afloat, gasping for air.

She said the same thing - just open the door of the car and step out while her husband was driving, just swerve into the barriers . . . neither of those were her method of choice but they were the beginning of the thoughts.

I am telling her story to contrast w/ mine. When my significant other died last year I wanted to die to. But the difference was, I didn't think of committing any act to do myself in. I just wanted to be w/ him and didn't see a purpose to my life anymore. I didn't care if I lived or died. Also I was no longer afraid of death and if it happened would have welcomed it. BUT at no time did I ever think any ways I could die.

So the conclusion of this scenario, I was able to work through my feelings w/ grief therapy, my sister needed therapy and medication. Luckily she finally found a Dr. who diagnosed her correctly - she is bipolar and now on the correct meds. She was being treated for depression and was on the wrong meds. It took until she was 52 to finally be diagnosed correctly.

I am glad to hear you are planning on getting help - Run, don't walk to your nearest mental health center. And definately, as was advised, tell them about your thoughts.

Please don't let a semi-good clear thought day prevent you from getting the help you are needing, it is too easy to fall into "I am doing ok today I guess I don't need any help" Often when the next bout hits it is worse.

Good luck and please keep us informed - we care about you

[Tri Girl]

Thanks, everyone.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist today. She came highly recommended from a friend who works with her. Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then. I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain.
Thanks again for all your thoughts.
Eclectic, the story of your sister made me so sad, but I'm glad that she finally is diagnosed correctly and feeling much better. And I don't know what you went through last year (I mean- I know that your SO passed away, but I can't empathize with you), and I'm glad that you had help to see you through that terribly sad and devastating part of your life (which I'm sure you're still not entirely through with).
I know my situation isn't anything huge. My teaching partner's son is slowly dying of a brain tumor that can't be operated on or treated with anymore chemo. SHE has it rough. My good friend is leaving her husband this week with her two young daughters. SHE has it rough. I know we all have our cross to bear, I just try to remember that my problems aren't that bad (but I guess if they're the worst problems I'm facing then they're that bad).

Anyhow, I'm rambling. Thank you all so very much!!!

[Wahine]

I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you. I don't feel like I have anything useful to add right now but I would just reiterate the importance of communication and the need to take care of yourself. The step you've taken towards couseling is a good one. ((((((Hugs))))))

[Mr. Bloom]

Her first opening is on March 26th, but I'm on the waiting list if there are any cancellations. I think I can hang in there until then

Resolve to hang in there no matter what

BUT, please promise that if you get any persistent urge to do something impulsive, please, please, please go to the ER for immediate assistance.

AND, keep the appointment even if you're feeling better by then.

You've got a group of us rallied around you now with warm, understanding thoughts You're not alone (even in an electronic world)

[Serendipity]

Thanks, everyone.
I know I shouldn't, and that this is such a terrible thing to think: but I feel crazy for even making the appointment. The stigma is that only crazy people see shrinks, but I know that's NOT true. Good people who need help see shrinks. I'm doing a good thing for me. I just hope she can fix my brain.

Tri-Girl, I think the most important thing in what you have said is that you are doing a good thing for yourself....so true! Please don't let any stigma prevent you from getting help that will make your life better.

In 2000/2001, I went through a very difficult time; over the course of a year and a half, my mother, my (estranged) husband and my brother died, each after rather long illnesses. My GP referred me to a grief counselor - I can tell you that was the best thing I ever did for me. This was an opprtunity to talk with a professional about my feelings (anger, guilt, among others) and understand that those feelings weren't unusual, nor did they make me a bad person. There were just a couple of things that she said to me that were eureka moments. I can't tell you what a burden was lifted.

The second part of my experience is that I made no secret of the fact that I was going to counselling - didn't talk about it all the time, but didn't deny it. As a result, a number of people actually talked to me about the fact that they had gone for counselling at some point. You might be amazed at the people who have sought help in this way - but it is often a stigma, as you say, or something that is kept a secret.

Also wanted to mention that ups and downs are normal in a relationshp - marriage or otherwise. I have since remarried - we've been together for almost seven years - and I there are days when my DH is fed up/annoyed with me ... and some days when I am the same with him. But we can move on from that.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded, but hope this helps in some way.

[Brandi]

It is interesting we all seem to have similar lives yet very different. i have been with Dh for going on 22 years. and sometimes I really can't wait for him to have to go on a job without me. And we are with eachother 24-7. We also work together and own a business together. We have had times that were very rocky. Maybe more then other's since we are around eachother so much. But like what everyone else has said it does pass. And I can not imagine my life without him, even though there are times I do. They are much less then then wanting him with me. And when he does have to go on a job by himself, when he is getting ready to leave a feel a real sence of loss and saddness. Then I get over it and eat what I want, and watch what I want on tv, and go to bed when I want. Then after a few days I am ready to have him back. Hey maybe you should take a little vacation with a friend or by yourself. Maybe the seperation would make your heart (and his) grow fonder. My dh has to be reminded that I need him to want me. Guys (and girls) can take eachother for granted a lot and then we become resentful.
I don't think I have said anything different here then anyone else. But I hope it helps some.
And yes I have thought of driving off that cliff too. But I am gald that is all it is a thought.

[Mr. Bloom]

My dh has to be reminded that I need him to want me. Guys (and girls) can take eachother for granted a lot and then we become resentful.

+1

[sundial]

I had a teacher in high school that suggested that eventually everyone will see a counselor. I always remembered that and later in my life I came to a point that I needed to see one. Among other things, my body was going cuckoo with PMDD and it was affecting my mental health in a BAD way. It was the best money spent and I looked at it as an investment in my health. I hope you find that it is as helpful for you. Sending you a big, gentle hug.