Marriage: it isn't all roses and rainbows

[GraysonKelly]

Hugs for you TriGirl! I'm so sorry that things feel so out of control for you right now. That's not a fun feeling.

I don't know if anyone here will agree with me or not and I'm not married but I have involved with the same person for almost 10 years. I can't tell you what is normal or not. You are correct that marriages/relationships ebb and flow for no particular reason. I think almost everyone would agree with that. But I can't tell you what is normal for you relationship. I will say that I think that you need to care for yourself a little bit more and give yourself a break.

You have been dealing with some very stressful stuff and if you don't know it yourself, I'm going to tell you that it's okay for you to be worried for yourself. It is okay for you to be sad, frustrated, overwhelmed. It is okay for you to feel. I know that it is hard when it seems that your marriage is growing stagnant or even sliding into chaos not to find reasons why you might be causing it. But, without knowing you and your husband, it's okay for you to worry about just you. Even when your husband seems unhappy, it is ok for you to step back and say to yourself, "I want and need to worry about taking care of me".

Maybe if you give yourself some time to think about yourself, think about what you need for yourself, from yourself...you'll be able to go to your husband and tell him. It might give you some perspective and might give him some as well.

I'm not saying that you are the problem in your marriage. Not at all. I'm only saying that you've dealt with a heck of lot and you are allowed to give yourself a break. When I was stressing about the same type of issues (including wondering what would happen if I drove my car into something) I sat down and wrote out the stuff that had happened in the last year (which led to things that had happened throughout my life) that stressed me out and made me feel so badly...when I got all that out I reread and realized that if I was reading that list of things written by someone else I would be saying something like "Wow, I'm surprised this person isn't in a straight jacket or on top of a building somewhere with a rifle!" Then I realized that it was a lot to deal with and that I had every right to feel overwhelmed. And that made it easier to start sorting things out. I did go into therapy and that helped tremendously. There is nothing wrong with nor is there anything wrong with your marriage.

Communication is big thing with me but not so much with my partner...that is so incredibly frustrating for me. But I have to do what is best for me and that is talking about what I'm thinking or feeling whether I get a response or not. If you and your husband are not big on communication (verbally) maybe thinking about nonverbal communication would be better.

I'm sorry this is so long and there are probably a lot of people that will disagree with me, but the point of this rather long bit of rambling is that you are allowed to be you, allowed to be an individual, and are allowed to have feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs that are you own independent of your husband or your marriage. Obviously you can't just put your husband on the backburner, but try making yourself the center of your attention, at least for a little while each day. It might help.

And please, if it is possible, think about maybe speaking with a professional, but do it for you. The rest will fall into place.
Best wishes and lots of hugs,
Gray

[indysteel]

While I think it's perfectly normal for a longterm relationship to ebb and flow, I don't think your thoughts about driving into pylons are. I agree that you should talk to a professional. Pronto.

I found my therapist through a friend. Do you know anyone who sees a counselor or social worker? If you don't, then check to see if your insurance company--if you have insurance--has a preferred provider. Make sure in making the appointment that you make it clear that you're having some dark thoughts. The therapist will likely try to get you in sooner rather than later.

I've had several bouts of depression. They're downright scary. Right now, I think you should remember that depression colors EVERYTHING. It could be that your marriage is contributing to the depression, but I would stop short of placing too much blame on it until your head is a little clearer. I do think, however, that you should try to be honest with him that you've been down and that you need to get some help.

Like Oakleaf, I think you need to be healthy on your own before you can really address what, if anything, is ailing your relationship. Hopefully, your DH will be open to the process that therapy entails.

Hugs and good luck to you.

[Irulan]

You are not alone. But I don't have any words of wisdom.

Therapy has been a godsend for me (not currently doing it but did for many years), but our one attempt at couples counseling was a disaster (for many reasons, but the therapist herself has at least half the responsibility IMO) and DH won't try that again.

Along those same lines, I think it's absolutely critical that each partner confront h/h own issues in individual therapy before, or at a minimum concurrently with, couples therapy. Two unhealthy individuals have no hope of becoming a healthy couple. A therapist hired to treat the couple really can't get too deeply into individual issues that might create a conflict of interest.

But there are other ways to get into a healthy emotional state at least partially. Is Yoga or meditation or bodywork something that you and your DH can undertake?


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to someone about your suicidal feelings. Drugs are the only thing that makes the thoughts go away for me but therapy helped me learn that the thoughts are not "real," that I do NOT want to commit suicide even when I have the thoughts. (Which was near constant, before drugs.) I'm hearing the same thing from you... PLEASE don't let suicide become something you try OR something that you beat yourself up for not trying. PLEASE.

I really wish we had a "I'm with stupid" emoticon. This is very good advice.

My story shares some parallels with Oakleaf, although for me ( us) marriage counseling was a huge success.

Sounds to me like you guys are way beyond needing to schedule a date night, and some sort of professional support is needed to facilitate communication and getting beyond the symptoms here. Depressive issues and lack of communication can have a huge dynamic on a marriage relationship.

Me? Married 25+ years. We've been through depressions, substance abuse, emotional withdrawal and more. A good marriage counselor ( and some individual counseling) gave us the tools to rebuild, and I know have the marriage I could have only dreamed of 10-15 years ago.

It's pretty much a fact that if one divorces before they deal with the underlying issues/factors/emotional baggage, they are pretty doomed to get into similar situations.

Irulan.





Good luck.

[salsabike]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

[Irulan]

You asked how to find a counselor. The best way is to start talking to the friends you have where you live. If any of them are in counseling--and you can be sure some of them are---ask them if they like and respect their counselors, if their counselors are SMART (it's not good to get with a counselor who's not as smart as you are), if they help them look at things they hadn't seen before, and help them see new options. Word of mouth, through people you think reasonably well of, is a good way to find a good counselor.

I got a great rec from my Family MD.

[katluvr]

I guess I can say "ditto" to most here.
I am not sure who talked about the "mid winter blues". I think "I" am also feeling that. But I call it the "rut". When work and routine take hold. Me and my partner are doing less "riding" and "goofing" off on weekends. We are working --and not in love w/ our jobs -- and not doing much else. So what is there to talk about? It is just work, come home, work out, fix dinner, watch TV, sleep and repeat. I know a weekend ago when we got out of town for a charity run, we had the best time. We did nothing special...but we did not "snap" at each other the entire time. That even includes driving, getting lost AND getting up at "before the crack of dawn" to be at the race way earlier that I wanted to get there. Since we got back home, kinda back in the rut. But I see light at the end of the tunnel. It is really hard when you get to the 10+ year mark. Talk about "routine" setting in.
So "ditto" this is normal.
But "ditto" don't let too much of this worry you.
BUT "ditto" don't ignore it. I am using it as my "wake up call" to be sure the routine or rut does not turn into a big divide that can't be fixed.
I need to re-read all these posts to make sure I use the useful advise myself.
Good luck!

[lph]

GraysonKelly had a great point about writing out stuff that has happened to you or you've had to deal with, and imagining someone else going through the same stuff. Imagining what you would say to, or how you would help a friend in your situation, can be a great way of gaining some perspective when you feel bogged down and hopeless.

Hang in there!

[tulip]

Writing things down in a journal really help me clarify things. I wish I had started writing earlier, and I wish I were more consistent now. Thanks for the reminder, Grayson and lph.

[Duck on Wheels]

Many wise words have been sent already. I agree with them. After 34 years of marriage, it hasn't been all roses. There were few months once we weren't even on speaking terms, until I decided I had to brave it and start us talking again. Talking is scary when the person you need to open up to, even potentially argue with, is a person you don't want to risk estranging. But if you don't talk, then estrangement is almost inevitable. And avoiding that is worthwhile. Even after 34 years and several crises, there are still times -- a quick joke, a comment that goes right to the heart of some news issue, a glimpse of his *ss in bike shorts -- when I feel like I've just fallen in love with him all over again. So I "second" all those who've recommended that you make the effort!

But remember too that your partner is not your therapist, even if s/he may be one professionally. So those thoughts about wrecking your car ...? Expect some loving support from your husband, but use that support as a boost to seek professional help. I've been there too. I asked friends if they knew of someone, got a good suggestion from a couple of them, and got an appointment. She helped me see the world through new perspectives. She even taught me some handy self-hypnosis techniques for dealing with pain (I occasionally get mega-tough stomach cramps from Crohns). She didn't prescribe any anti-depressives, and later they've been found to sometimes have negative effects. If you have a good therapist and s/he prescribes them then be glad they're available, but call the therapist immediately if you feel new suicidal urges!

[Mr. Bloom]

Silver and I have been married nearly 23 years and have been together for nearly 26... There have been some really tough times...but we're still here

Are the feelings of unhappiness with a marriage normal after this many years?

Yep...unfortunately, the marriage often catches the rap for something else...but you're aware of this.

When you hit a certain point in life do you think about what you should've/could've done? Is this an early mid-life crisis?

Yep, but satisfaction is a choice that only you can make. I guarantee that if you take inventory of your life, your blessings exceed your challenges....and if you really focus, I'm guessing that 80% of your marriage is fine...but you're focused on the 20% (normal human tendency...example: take a plain white piece of paper, draw a dot in the middle, and ask 10 friends what they see...most will say the "the small dot"...not the big white piece of paper that's without blemish...hokey, but true...) YOU choose what you focus on...

Do you think I need to talk to a professional, and if so- how do you go about finding one?

Yes, Yes, Yes! No matter what encouragement you get, if you're depressed, that needs treatment. Couples counseling may not be bad either...but Mimi's idea may be a good first step. LOVE IS A DECISION...and MARRIAGE TAKES WORK. We've done counseling and are still doing it...even when things are great.

I feel kinda alone...

(((((TG)))))) You're not... Plus, you are SO FAR ahead of the curve to sense that there are issues...this means you have something to work with. Hang in there.

I will bring up something this week to him: asking him if he's happy or not, but I don't even know how to approach the subject. I don't want to say I'm unhappy and hurt him, because once you say something you can't take it back.

I encourage you to sort out your feelings first...particularly if you don't know why you feel this way and/or how to raise the topic with him

[Miranda]

Well, let's see... my shrink of years past put it to me like this...

"...everyone deserves therapy... it helps you sort out your problems faster, and in turn feel better sooner... who would really want to feel bad any longer than they had to?".

Like posted, if you don't like one shrink, try another one. The lady I saw last was also a cyclist... she would work out her problems, and mine (along with other clients), on her rides sometimes (it was kinda like she was meant for me).

Some of these ways to find a shrink have been mentioned, but here's my ideas...
1) call work insurance, do you have mental health coverage
2) if no insurance, does your employer offer an EAP plan (employee assistance plan), usually free mental health help regardless of regular benefit status
3) sliding scale mental health clinics
4) colleges/universities psych study departments will have students studying to be shrinks that need patients... their cases are overseen by a real shrink/teacher... and is totally confidential... free last I knew
5) church clergy (even if you don't belong/attend regularly, they are typically willing to help... or guide you to someone that can)
6) ask your medical doctor

OK, on the thoughts of killing yourself. Well, the shrink said that it's not so much we want to end life... but are "stuck" and know no other way out. She herself as a professional even had these thoughts before.

My resolve was always one of two things...
1) if you have any belief in some type of after-life, or the concept of Hell, then I figured killing myself would do nothing but eternalize the BS I was already living... which t'aint no better... sooo, might as well stick it out with some chance of hope
2) journal/list those people and things that your life touches... who would it affect if you were gone... who would miss you? You would really really really be surprised if you thought about it, how long that list can be. Would even people here on TE who you have never met in real life wonder, Hmmm... where's that Tri Girl chick been lately? ...haven't seen any posts from her in a while??? You betcha baby.

Lastly... my endorphine happy rush from pedaling is the best RX ever... it makes me become a "glass half full" person, from a "glass half empty" person--FWIW.

(((hugs)))
Miranda

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

The more a couple avoids talking together and doing things together (can be anything, really), the worse it gets. And TV can be a deadly communication killer.
Couple's counseling sounds like a good idea here. If not that, then individual counseling at least.

[Tri Girl]

I'm sitting here in tears because I feel all the love... so much of it. I thank you all so much for all your stories and pieces of advice. Tonight I feel much better about things. Tomorrow may be another story. I will seek professional help for sure. A good friend's parents are therapists and I will ask them for recommendations. After re-reading my post, I think I may have been a little dramatic about the highway pylon thing. I don't think I'm suicidal (just wandering thoughts, albeit very morbid and unhealthy ones).
I just feel empty inside and don't know why... it's very scary to me.

After reading what you all wrote, I know that I love my husband very much and would really hate life without him. I just need to learn how to be the free spirit/nomad that I am while being married to the safe/security-minded person he is. He's a good man, I think it's just a bump (from reading what you all have said about ups and downs). Many of you have said that sadness/depression can make even the smallest problems seem like a mountainous one. I think that may be the problem. I'm not remembering all the good things, just the little ones that I'm amplifying. Yes, my job is definitely a HUGE stressor this year. It's making my life miserable, but it will pass. I just need to learn how to cope better with things.

I'm going to call some counselors tomorrow. He worked late so we won't talk tonight, but I'll sit down with him tomorrow night and tell him that I'm sad and I need help. Maybe it'll make him feel better, too. Someone said that maybe he feels empty and lost, too. We're both just terrible communicators, so discussions about real heavy things are uncomfortable at best, but in this case are very needed.

Thank you all again, from the very bottom of my heart. I have 5 sisters and 2 mothers, but I don't talk to any of them. It helps to have sisters (and a brother) here on the web. I appreciate you all more than you can ever know. Thank you for being my support system. You've helped set me in the right direction and let me know I'm not alone. Hugs! You have really helped me and I am grateful. Thank you.

[Irulan]

hugs back at ya. I don't get verklempt here at TE too much but that did it for me.

[Mr. Bloom]

Hmmm...free spirit wife/security minded husband...terrible communicators...WOW! that sounds like us But, through counseling we've learned to balance and overcome

I commend you for sensing the need and having the courage to seek help(((((TB)))))