Help with motivating a teenager

[shootingstar]

He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

[Aggie_Ama]

Donna- I feel for you because I think I know which district you are in and the struggles they have for parents and educators is well known. Under funded (story of life nationwide but dire in Texas), overpopulated.

I was bored to tears for the most part in middle school. I was also classified as gifted by the Round Rock ISD system but wow unless I was in those two or three classes you could shove the rest because I was out like a light with boredom. In middle school I spent a lot of time getting detention for being disruptive because I talked to my friends while the teacher talked, I just was bored. The thing that saved me was journalism and for regular class a tough as nails history teacher (seriously she was a former Army Sgt). Journalism we learned to develop film, layout papers, copy edit, crop, it was really interesting. I am tone deaf so I hated music electives but journalism was a great outlet.

I think by the time I got out in 1999 they had even started offering computer science to 8th grade and up as an elective, not sure. Is it possible to get him in an elective or activity that he will look forward to? I had to stay out of trouble to be able to stay on Newspaper staff, worked for me.

[kacie tri-ing]

Hello!

I teach middle school in a school that separates boys and girls. I have also taught gifted middle schoolers and high schoolers for a while now.

There are a TON of research and resources about boys like yours.

I would start by reading the following two books:

Why Gender Matters
Boys Adrift (http://www.boysadrift.com/)
both are by Dr. Leonard Sax

Dr. Sax is highly respected in gender studies and education. I heard him speak this year, and I was extremely impressed.


Boys at that age disengage for a number of reasons, and there are ways to re-engage them into life. Most of those thing include authentic tasks for him rather than simply encouraging him to work harder. Most boys need more competition than regular public schools are willing to provide. The books I mentioned give many resources for programs that can help you with your boy. Trust me, you are not alone! The goal is for him to grow up to be a strong, loving, educated, intelligent man who can be proud of his life and decisions. That goal is harder now than ever, but it can still be achieved.

Good luck!

Kacie Darden

[DirtDiva]

From everything you have said, it is plain as day that school is boring for him. Also, if P.E. and art are the subjects he is still doing well at, then it seems obvious that he would rather be doing something than sitting being talked at, which could be what he is getting a lot of at the moment.

Of course there's not a simple answer, but I personally believe that your son is the one who needs to take responsibility for his learning - it won't be motivating if anyone else does it for him. For example, if he can't face the prospect of writing yet another boring paper, then he should take some alternative ideas to his teachers (and coming up with some of these is where you can help). If he's into the techy stuff, then he might rather make a PowerPoint (which is not only on most school computers, but you can also do some really cool stuff with if you have a little patience) or a film (which doesn't have to require expensive equipment; you can make some really powerful stuff with stills and free software like MovieMaker or Photostory). His teachers are probably as frustrated as you are by his failing when he shouldn't be and although some of them might say no, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Good luck and hang in there. Just like Biciclista's sons, my brother was a bright yet mediocre school student who graduated university with an M.A. with first class honours.

[mayanorange]

1+ on Scouting. I'm a lifetime member of the Girl Scouts and it was an awesome experience. Find a troop where the leader encourages the boys to decide what badges to work on based on their interests. We totally did everything ourselves and had a great time because we were allowed that freedom. We ended up being the only troop in Jr High and HS in our county, so they always asked us to do encampments for the younger troops- again, a great opportunity for us to then teach the younger kids about stuff we were excited about a of course learning leadership.

I hope you can find something that works for him- I agree that a heart to heart from either you or DH to see what he'd rather be doing would be greatly helpful and then make that the reward once homework is done, or incorporate that into other topics. Like if he likes art but not science, have him do illustrations of bio and physics ideas, etc. I know what it's like to be bored to tears in a school district that's relatively limited. Our gifted classes bored me worse than normal classes- taking us from our normal classes and our social groups to then still not be stimulated enough. So I just had a million other activities- Girl scouts, sports, various clubs, and lots of artistic hobbies. I'm sure as others have pointed out he's probably smart enough to not want to be bored by a repeat year, so he'll probably find a way.

[tulip]

I don't have kids, but I have two brothers. One is 3 years younger, the other is 15 years younger. The 15-year younger one didn't have to lift a finger growing up. I really think that affected his comprehension of a work ethic.

In my opinion, kids taking responsibility at home increases the chances that they will take responsibility elsewhere. Learning the value of work at home is an essential step of learning the value of work in life.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[DDH]

Well girls, thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate everything everyone said.

He brought his progress report home yesterday and he is now failing, History, computer Lit, and Algebra. He will be fur-lowed out of algebra and put into regular 8th grade math if he fails this 9 weeks again, because he has to have a math credit to graduate 8th grade.

I've talk to his teachers and yes they are frustrated also.

We took all forms of entertainment away from him yesterday and he will have to earn his things back with an 85 or better in his classes.

I had him take everything out of his room, and when his father got home I let him take care of the rest. It wasn't pleasant, trust me, I was in tears.
I think his dad goes overboard with things, and he thinks I'm to lenient so we don't' always agree on parenting skills. We dint' argue about it or disagree with each other in front of our son, but we definitely have some different styles.
I dint' believe in double punishing and the long winding sermons. I believe that kids hear you for the initial point and then they shut down, could be wrong, but I remember my dad giving sermons when I was growing up and I just wanted to roll my eyes and leave the room. Also, I believe you have to be very careful in your wordage to a child. Children internalize things and they often hear negative things that are said and internalize them.
I try not to insult him and my husband believe in what he calls constructive criticism.
Regardless, I stepped back yesterday and let him handle things because obviously what I have been doing isn't working, so maybe the hard hand is what he needs. It upset me, but I left the room and let him continue.
I did step in when he started asking him what he was going to do when he grew up, "be a thief, or criminal?" . I only stepped in to say that bad grades doesn't make a bad person and that he is a very good kid.

I understand that being a police officer he sees the bad in the world and what not having an education does for you, or let me re-word that, COULD do for you. I just dint' want him to impose that on our 14 year old.


Anyway, I am going to make out a chore list for him, and give him some responsibilities around here and he will have to earn back his game system, phone and t.v and computer privileges.
I'm hoping that we will be able to get through to him before this school year is over so we can start 9th grade out on a good note, and maybe he can learn to enjoy school a little.

Aggie, you are right, the school system here is hard to work with. They have changed and taken away a lot of the things for the gifted kids because of finances as they waste 1000's of dollars on office equipment for the administration building. Dr Paterson (the superintendent) quit or retired 3 years ago, and Dr. Hawkins came in and made changes and it was predicted that he would stay long enough to mess things up and then leave, and this year he left. Now we will have another new superintendent that has just started. Lord knows what he will do, with all the economy problems.

Anyway, thanks so much everyone. Any more advice is always welcome and I appreciate each and every one of you.

We will make it through this teenager-ness, I think. LOL

[Aggie_Ama]

Your area is also dealing with one of the most deployed bases in the US. Judging by a friend who ran screaming from teaching in the high school there a few years ago that brings a whole lot of challenges for the students, teachers, the general population! I feel for you, hang in there, I am not a parent but you all seem to survive. It is lovely outside today, can you sneak away for a walk or a ride?

Oh and as aside, push as hard as you can to not let them declassify him as gifted. They did that to my brother with similar issues to your son and it only got worse when he went into regular classes, be your own advocate for sure.

[DDH]

Quote:
Originally Posted by DDH
He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

Most definitely, I try to make sure he understands that. I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

[Biciclista]

your conflict with your husband isn't helping. If you are sabotaging what he's saying to your son that is sending him very bad messages. Your husband does see first hand what happens when people don't do well in school. Sometimes a little "tough love" is just what they need. I agree you need to read that book, boys adrift.

My older son went from honors classes to the regular ones when he was a fresh or soph in high school. Boy, did he discover THAT was a mistake. but it was HIS mistake. and when he went to college, he was able to take all the classes he needed. might be good for that boy to fail. i'm serious.

[shootingstar]

I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

Sounds like his self-confidence is low right now that he finds it tough to believe in praise from a good parent.

What is he interested right now/ his natural strong skill, either overt..or lying dormant? If he is not distracted by technological "toys", does he read anything that peaks his interest. Please find a way to work with this...I know it sounds so small but his horizons need to continously expand even if he is failing, etc. It doesn't matter. Reading passionately into area of one's own interest.. provides learning escape from demands of parents but provides intellectual stimulation. (Guess what I did, when I wanted to avoid household responsibilities/eldest child stuff. At least, my parents couldn't take away learning opportunities even if it was novels because of exposure to style, grammar and composition.)

And it could be just reading magazines and newspapers on regular basis. We must not get too narrow in our definition of acceptable reading sources to encourage children reading and intellectual thought long-term.

Is there any enjoyable activity shared between your hubby and son? Hopefully there will be something, even though right now might be some communication problems/stony silence. I agree that taking away his games to earn them back is enough punishment at his age, without long-winded lectures from his father.

[NbyNW]

Lots of resources for gifted kids here:

http://cty.jhu.edu/

and specifically for your situation: http://cty.jhu.edu/gifted/dcc/underachievement.html

I did the summer programs when I was that age (a long, long time ago!). One of the most valuable things about it was being around other kids who were bored at their regular schools, or maybe also had trouble fitting in socially because they happened to enjoy and be good at learning.

If I remember correctly, the programs weren't cheap, but there are scholarships and financial aid available.

[smurfalicious]

I have to jump in here because your son reminds me a lot of a girl I know very intimately. She started out in elementary school kicking butt and taking names, even if she stared dreamily out the window once she "got" what was being taught.

She pulled down straight A's pretty much through middle school. Scored in the 99th percentile on her tests, took advanced math and other such classes and enjoyed being challenged.

Then in high school, despite being in honors classes she got bored. The challenge wasn't there and she didn't see the point in doing assignments she felt she could do with her eyes closed. So her grades slipped, her chances of getting into a good school and scoring scholarships disappeared.

Fortunately she was super into computers and taught herself web design, and after graduation worked in the SF Bay area until the dot com collapse. It was until she moved home and went to the local community college that a counselor suggested she might have ADD. Apparently it goes unnoticed a lot if girls because they don't tend to have the H part of it, hyperactivity.

So while I know everyone wants to slap the ADD label on kids it might be worth looking into. There are non-stimulant meds now, and it can be managed without meds too. Unfortunately for adults with ADD non med management is a catch 22 because it requires really having your sh*t together which most of don't.

I'd take a peek at a book called "Driven to Distraction." It made me cry and cry and cry my eyes out because I realized that perhaps my life could have been a whole lot different.

Anyway, I wouldn't rule it out. There are a lot of stereotypes about what ADD is and isn't, but that book will give you a good idea. Some people think it's about focus, but really ADD people can focus like mad, but typically on the things they want to.

[shootingstar]

well, DDH hope you and your hubby just continue to believe in the best of him while he works to ramp up the rest. And if there's a low-cost/no-cost activity on weekends or after school, that will naturally fall into his natural strengths/interest, even better. It makes me cringe when nowadays school budgets have trimmed down on the fine arts, music, sports, etc.

Unless, DDH you suspect something else, he doesn't sound like ADD at this point in his life. He just doesn't know of other alternatives for himself because as you say in your immediate school district there aren't specialized programs for gifted. My niece at around 15, was bored and approached her parents to see if she could go to a specialized school for bright/gifted kids. I don't think she was gifted, just very focused and bright when she put her little mind to it. Parents were abit surprised but ..in the end, she got a little bursary to help her along.

I don't have children so my thoughts aren't as useful. I'm only a bystander to watching my partner deal with his 2 children as they grew up. His daughter is self-directed learner and always did well. She has her Master's in English Lit. His son felt he was always in the shadow of his older sister's accomplishments (sounds familiar to some of us??). He was an average student and more of a social animal. He (nor his sister) got into drugs and they each had a crowd of good friends. At 16 yrs., he started to fail...and eventually not go to school. Finally each of his parents (who were divorced by then, but thankfully had parallel parenting styles and values), each told him, either he stay in school or find a job.

To make this story shorter, he left home, hung out with some friends...and THANKFULLY found jobs in restaurants in Victoria, lived there. Got a girl pregnant...let's see by then, he was 20. Needless to say my partner was more than surprised.

Split up with girlfriend, came back to Toronto,..got his high school diploma, took some community college courses to become a chef.

He is now 28, happily married to another woman who just finished her university degree. He faithfully pays his child support and has his son with him in visits when it's his turn. He voraciously collects and reads cheffy cookbooks. Whenever he or we visit him, he cooks us these incredible gourmet chef meals..like the stuff you see in TV. Kinda like black box of ingredients ..and pouff,..a tasty meal.

Most ironically, his son was a supervising chef for a major chic restaurant in toronto where my brother-in-law also worked for awhile. All coincidental.

And I firmly believe, that his son would have fallen much further down the pit if it weren't for:

a) a father who consistently listened, communicated and visited his son.
b) a mother who did the same as well.
c)child is held accountable for his /her own life decisions as they grow into teenagehood and beyond.

And that the parenting styles for the child needs to be good and parallel.