Help with motivating a teenager

[shootingstar]

He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

[DDH]

Quote:
Originally Posted by DDH
He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

Most definitely, I try to make sure he understands that. I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

[Biciclista]

your conflict with your husband isn't helping. If you are sabotaging what he's saying to your son that is sending him very bad messages. Your husband does see first hand what happens when people don't do well in school. Sometimes a little "tough love" is just what they need. I agree you need to read that book, boys adrift.

My older son went from honors classes to the regular ones when he was a fresh or soph in high school. Boy, did he discover THAT was a mistake. but it was HIS mistake. and when he went to college, he was able to take all the classes he needed. might be good for that boy to fail. i'm serious.

[shootingstar]

I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

Sounds like his self-confidence is low right now that he finds it tough to believe in praise from a good parent.

What is he interested right now/ his natural strong skill, either overt..or lying dormant? If he is not distracted by technological "toys", does he read anything that peaks his interest. Please find a way to work with this...I know it sounds so small but his horizons need to continously expand even if he is failing, etc. It doesn't matter. Reading passionately into area of one's own interest.. provides learning escape from demands of parents but provides intellectual stimulation. (Guess what I did, when I wanted to avoid household responsibilities/eldest child stuff. At least, my parents couldn't take away learning opportunities even if it was novels because of exposure to style, grammar and composition.)

And it could be just reading magazines and newspapers on regular basis. We must not get too narrow in our definition of acceptable reading sources to encourage children reading and intellectual thought long-term.

Is there any enjoyable activity shared between your hubby and son? Hopefully there will be something, even though right now might be some communication problems/stony silence. I agree that taking away his games to earn them back is enough punishment at his age, without long-winded lectures from his father.

[NbyNW]

Lots of resources for gifted kids here:

http://cty.jhu.edu/

and specifically for your situation: http://cty.jhu.edu/gifted/dcc/underachievement.html

I did the summer programs when I was that age (a long, long time ago!). One of the most valuable things about it was being around other kids who were bored at their regular schools, or maybe also had trouble fitting in socially because they happened to enjoy and be good at learning.

If I remember correctly, the programs weren't cheap, but there are scholarships and financial aid available.

[smurfalicious]

I have to jump in here because your son reminds me a lot of a girl I know very intimately. She started out in elementary school kicking butt and taking names, even if she stared dreamily out the window once she "got" what was being taught.

She pulled down straight A's pretty much through middle school. Scored in the 99th percentile on her tests, took advanced math and other such classes and enjoyed being challenged.

Then in high school, despite being in honors classes she got bored. The challenge wasn't there and she didn't see the point in doing assignments she felt she could do with her eyes closed. So her grades slipped, her chances of getting into a good school and scoring scholarships disappeared.

Fortunately she was super into computers and taught herself web design, and after graduation worked in the SF Bay area until the dot com collapse. It was until she moved home and went to the local community college that a counselor suggested she might have ADD. Apparently it goes unnoticed a lot if girls because they don't tend to have the H part of it, hyperactivity.

So while I know everyone wants to slap the ADD label on kids it might be worth looking into. There are non-stimulant meds now, and it can be managed without meds too. Unfortunately for adults with ADD non med management is a catch 22 because it requires really having your sh*t together which most of don't.

I'd take a peek at a book called "Driven to Distraction." It made me cry and cry and cry my eyes out because I realized that perhaps my life could have been a whole lot different.

Anyway, I wouldn't rule it out. There are a lot of stereotypes about what ADD is and isn't, but that book will give you a good idea. Some people think it's about focus, but really ADD people can focus like mad, but typically on the things they want to.

[shootingstar]

well, DDH hope you and your hubby just continue to believe in the best of him while he works to ramp up the rest. And if there's a low-cost/no-cost activity on weekends or after school, that will naturally fall into his natural strengths/interest, even better. It makes me cringe when nowadays school budgets have trimmed down on the fine arts, music, sports, etc.

Unless, DDH you suspect something else, he doesn't sound like ADD at this point in his life. He just doesn't know of other alternatives for himself because as you say in your immediate school district there aren't specialized programs for gifted. My niece at around 15, was bored and approached her parents to see if she could go to a specialized school for bright/gifted kids. I don't think she was gifted, just very focused and bright when she put her little mind to it. Parents were abit surprised but ..in the end, she got a little bursary to help her along.

I don't have children so my thoughts aren't as useful. I'm only a bystander to watching my partner deal with his 2 children as they grew up. His daughter is self-directed learner and always did well. She has her Master's in English Lit. His son felt he was always in the shadow of his older sister's accomplishments (sounds familiar to some of us??). He was an average student and more of a social animal. He (nor his sister) got into drugs and they each had a crowd of good friends. At 16 yrs., he started to fail...and eventually not go to school. Finally each of his parents (who were divorced by then, but thankfully had parallel parenting styles and values), each told him, either he stay in school or find a job.

To make this story shorter, he left home, hung out with some friends...and THANKFULLY found jobs in restaurants in Victoria, lived there. Got a girl pregnant...let's see by then, he was 20. Needless to say my partner was more than surprised.

Split up with girlfriend, came back to Toronto,..got his high school diploma, took some community college courses to become a chef.

He is now 28, happily married to another woman who just finished her university degree. He faithfully pays his child support and has his son with him in visits when it's his turn. He voraciously collects and reads cheffy cookbooks. Whenever he or we visit him, he cooks us these incredible gourmet chef meals..like the stuff you see in TV. Kinda like black box of ingredients ..and pouff,..a tasty meal.

Most ironically, his son was a supervising chef for a major chic restaurant in toronto where my brother-in-law also worked for awhile. All coincidental.

And I firmly believe, that his son would have fallen much further down the pit if it weren't for:

a) a father who consistently listened, communicated and visited his son.
b) a mother who did the same as well.
c)child is held accountable for his /her own life decisions as they grow into teenagehood and beyond.

And that the parenting styles for the child needs to be good and parallel.