Help with motivating a teenager

[Crankin]

All good suggestions. As a former middle school teacher and a parent of 2 grown up boys, this is a really tough problem. I agree, he needs some responsibility in terms of stuff around the house. I too, stopped doing my kid's laundry when they turned 13. They did the dishes, made their beds, and helped with any big tasks outdoors (we already had cleaning help). I would also recommend volunteering, particularly in an area that he's really interested in. The school district I worked in had a strong community service requirement, mostly because we found that the kids, especially the troubled or otherwise unengaged ones really came through when the focus was on something other than themselves.
I know you don't live in a major metropolitan area, but is there a college, community college, or university nearby? That might be a resource for mentors, extra curricular stuff. I bet if you hooked him up with a techie type mentor, it would engage him.
Both of my kids worked around 10 hours a week when they turned 16. None of their friends worked, even through college. They had to manage their studies, activities, and for the younger one, his training and racing. The older one didn't do that well in ms and the first 2 years of hs (he skipped gym so much, he had to make it up by doing hours at the health club). When college got real, he did a lot better, but still, organization was a continual issue. But, he graduated with honors from college and has a great job, in addition to being bilingual and living in Italy for a year. He still has the ADD tendencies, but curiously, it never affects his work. The younger one was always "bored," and went from interest to interest. Once we had to take him, in a snowstorm to visit the MIT juggling club! He did fabulous in high school, started college as a sophomore because of all of his AP credits, and then quit to join the Marines. Why? He was "bored" with school and wanted to do something really hard. He's now happy, but ready to be done with the military when his enlistment is up in 2012.
So, you never can predict!

[Aggie_Ama]

Donna- I feel for you because I think I know which district you are in and the struggles they have for parents and educators is well known. Under funded (story of life nationwide but dire in Texas), overpopulated.

I was bored to tears for the most part in middle school. I was also classified as gifted by the Round Rock ISD system but wow unless I was in those two or three classes you could shove the rest because I was out like a light with boredom. In middle school I spent a lot of time getting detention for being disruptive because I talked to my friends while the teacher talked, I just was bored. The thing that saved me was journalism and for regular class a tough as nails history teacher (seriously she was a former Army Sgt). Journalism we learned to develop film, layout papers, copy edit, crop, it was really interesting. I am tone deaf so I hated music electives but journalism was a great outlet.

I think by the time I got out in 1999 they had even started offering computer science to 8th grade and up as an elective, not sure. Is it possible to get him in an elective or activity that he will look forward to? I had to stay out of trouble to be able to stay on Newspaper staff, worked for me.

[kacie tri-ing]

Hello!

I teach middle school in a school that separates boys and girls. I have also taught gifted middle schoolers and high schoolers for a while now.

There are a TON of research and resources about boys like yours.

I would start by reading the following two books:

Why Gender Matters
Boys Adrift (http://www.boysadrift.com/)
both are by Dr. Leonard Sax

Dr. Sax is highly respected in gender studies and education. I heard him speak this year, and I was extremely impressed.


Boys at that age disengage for a number of reasons, and there are ways to re-engage them into life. Most of those thing include authentic tasks for him rather than simply encouraging him to work harder. Most boys need more competition than regular public schools are willing to provide. The books I mentioned give many resources for programs that can help you with your boy. Trust me, you are not alone! The goal is for him to grow up to be a strong, loving, educated, intelligent man who can be proud of his life and decisions. That goal is harder now than ever, but it can still be achieved.

Good luck!

Kacie Darden

[DirtDiva]

From everything you have said, it is plain as day that school is boring for him. Also, if P.E. and art are the subjects he is still doing well at, then it seems obvious that he would rather be doing something than sitting being talked at, which could be what he is getting a lot of at the moment.

Of course there's not a simple answer, but I personally believe that your son is the one who needs to take responsibility for his learning - it won't be motivating if anyone else does it for him. For example, if he can't face the prospect of writing yet another boring paper, then he should take some alternative ideas to his teachers (and coming up with some of these is where you can help). If he's into the techy stuff, then he might rather make a PowerPoint (which is not only on most school computers, but you can also do some really cool stuff with if you have a little patience) or a film (which doesn't have to require expensive equipment; you can make some really powerful stuff with stills and free software like MovieMaker or Photostory). His teachers are probably as frustrated as you are by his failing when he shouldn't be and although some of them might say no, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Good luck and hang in there. Just like Biciclista's sons, my brother was a bright yet mediocre school student who graduated university with an M.A. with first class honours.

[mayanorange]

1+ on Scouting. I'm a lifetime member of the Girl Scouts and it was an awesome experience. Find a troop where the leader encourages the boys to decide what badges to work on based on their interests. We totally did everything ourselves and had a great time because we were allowed that freedom. We ended up being the only troop in Jr High and HS in our county, so they always asked us to do encampments for the younger troops- again, a great opportunity for us to then teach the younger kids about stuff we were excited about a of course learning leadership.

I hope you can find something that works for him- I agree that a heart to heart from either you or DH to see what he'd rather be doing would be greatly helpful and then make that the reward once homework is done, or incorporate that into other topics. Like if he likes art but not science, have him do illustrations of bio and physics ideas, etc. I know what it's like to be bored to tears in a school district that's relatively limited. Our gifted classes bored me worse than normal classes- taking us from our normal classes and our social groups to then still not be stimulated enough. So I just had a million other activities- Girl scouts, sports, various clubs, and lots of artistic hobbies. I'm sure as others have pointed out he's probably smart enough to not want to be bored by a repeat year, so he'll probably find a way.

[tulip]

I don't have kids, but I have two brothers. One is 3 years younger, the other is 15 years younger. The 15-year younger one didn't have to lift a finger growing up. I really think that affected his comprehension of a work ethic.

In my opinion, kids taking responsibility at home increases the chances that they will take responsibility elsewhere. Learning the value of work at home is an essential step of learning the value of work in life.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[DDH]

Well girls, thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate everything everyone said.

He brought his progress report home yesterday and he is now failing, History, computer Lit, and Algebra. He will be fur-lowed out of algebra and put into regular 8th grade math if he fails this 9 weeks again, because he has to have a math credit to graduate 8th grade.

I've talk to his teachers and yes they are frustrated also.

We took all forms of entertainment away from him yesterday and he will have to earn his things back with an 85 or better in his classes.

I had him take everything out of his room, and when his father got home I let him take care of the rest. It wasn't pleasant, trust me, I was in tears.
I think his dad goes overboard with things, and he thinks I'm to lenient so we don't' always agree on parenting skills. We dint' argue about it or disagree with each other in front of our son, but we definitely have some different styles.
I dint' believe in double punishing and the long winding sermons. I believe that kids hear you for the initial point and then they shut down, could be wrong, but I remember my dad giving sermons when I was growing up and I just wanted to roll my eyes and leave the room. Also, I believe you have to be very careful in your wordage to a child. Children internalize things and they often hear negative things that are said and internalize them.
I try not to insult him and my husband believe in what he calls constructive criticism.
Regardless, I stepped back yesterday and let him handle things because obviously what I have been doing isn't working, so maybe the hard hand is what he needs. It upset me, but I left the room and let him continue.
I did step in when he started asking him what he was going to do when he grew up, "be a thief, or criminal?" . I only stepped in to say that bad grades doesn't make a bad person and that he is a very good kid.

I understand that being a police officer he sees the bad in the world and what not having an education does for you, or let me re-word that, COULD do for you. I just dint' want him to impose that on our 14 year old.


Anyway, I am going to make out a chore list for him, and give him some responsibilities around here and he will have to earn back his game system, phone and t.v and computer privileges.
I'm hoping that we will be able to get through to him before this school year is over so we can start 9th grade out on a good note, and maybe he can learn to enjoy school a little.

Aggie, you are right, the school system here is hard to work with. They have changed and taken away a lot of the things for the gifted kids because of finances as they waste 1000's of dollars on office equipment for the administration building. Dr Paterson (the superintendent) quit or retired 3 years ago, and Dr. Hawkins came in and made changes and it was predicted that he would stay long enough to mess things up and then leave, and this year he left. Now we will have another new superintendent that has just started. Lord knows what he will do, with all the economy problems.

Anyway, thanks so much everyone. Any more advice is always welcome and I appreciate each and every one of you.

We will make it through this teenager-ness, I think. LOL