Help with motivating a teenager

[sfa]

Have you asked him what you think you all should do? If he was an A student before and is doing poorly now because he's bored, he has to be aware on some level that continuing like this will only lead to more boredom--he'll either fail and have to repeat a grade or he'll be put in lower level classes with even more dull work. If you can talk to him in a sit-down, heart-to-heart kind of way and lead the conversation in such a way that he admits that he's not happy with his grades and would like to do better, then you can also lead the conversation around to HIM deciding what he should do to change the situation. It may well be your idea, but you can manipulate the conversation so that it comes out as his idea. With his "ownership" of the solution, it's far more likely to be successful. Some of that might just be admitting that it IS boring and tedious to do this stuff, but sometimes you have to put up with boring and tedious to get where you want to be. He may surprise you with some ideas--perhaps some activity he'd like to do that can be his reward for getting through his homework (along the lines of if he does his homework every day of the week, then he can go to the movies with his friends on the weekend, or he can't go out to play basketball until he's finished studying--don't make it be a big expensive reward, but rather something he likes to do daily or weekly already that he only allows himself to do once he's done the stuff he has to do).

Some of what he's dealing with may just be internal disorganization, which is pretty typical of the age, and he needs to learn for himself what it takes to get himself moving in the right direction and keeping on track with his work. Again, see if he can come up with ideas for solving the problem--maybe he needs visual reminders like a dry erase calendar with all of his tasks on it, or maybe a good alarm clock to keep him on task while he does his work.

But I really think the key is to get HIM involved in the solution. I suspect that if you just add work on he'll see it as punishment and dig in his heels further.

Sarah

[DDH]

His dad is here. He and his dad go head to head worse than I do with him. My DH is a SGT at the police department and has worked at the department for 28 years. He is very preachy and strong handed. The strong handed I do not mind, but the preachy stuff drives me as crazy as it does my son.

I have talked to my DH, (not in front of the boy of course) about making his point and then dropping it. It is a proved fact that most children will hear you for about a minute or 2 or maybe a little longer and then they begin to tune you out. Shoot, I do it myself if someone is going on and on about something. It's not intentional, but I catch myself tuning out too.

His father gets on him hard about things. We agree on punishments and things that need to be done, it's just that he gets very long winded and then I tend to lean to the more lenient side because of it. His approach needs as much if not more work than mine. Our son thinks that when we talk to him we are fussing. We can't seem to say anything even in the sweetest tone without him thinking that we are getting on to him.

I think you are right about the getting him to figure out what he thinks needs to be done, and letting him take ownership of it. I just don't know how to open up a conversation about it anymore.
He shuts down a lot of the times as soon as I broach the subject and then of course I get upset and start fussing at him, or just shut down too.
I always thought I would make sure I would have open communication with my child and tried to make sure he knew he could talk to me about anything. Somewhere I failed at that. He doesn't seem to trust us to open up to us and I guess that is our fault.


I will try again though. I never give up, I just feel like it sometimes.
I am always looking for new ways to approach him or help him.
I know he must be frustrated also, he just doesn't do anything about fixing the problem so the frustration goes away.

He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

[crazycanuck]

I don't have kids & understand my ideas may not be welcomed in this thread.

I thought of two places I see often near my work & although i don't know much about them, they might be of use/interest?

http://www.kipmcgrath.us/

http://www.kumon.com/

Just a thought.

[Grog]

I do not have much to offer in terms of advice.

But I remember an older thread about taking care of things in the home and sharing tasks with kids and spouses.

I seem to remember - and it rings right with what I read now - that your son doesn't do much around the house.

Maybe it's a good time to start. Maybe it's a time to do more together that's not necessarily focused on you telling him to do school work, but something that's productive, in which he gets to see you accomplish things and he gets to accomplish things in front of you.

Frankly, even if I was in the best school in the province, a gifted student among a thousand ultra-gifted students, school itself would never have been enough to make me want to go to school and do well. It was all the other stuff, leadership opportunities, social activities, volunteering, etc. that made me want to go. School stuff in itself never quite motivated me, it was too easy. I procrastinated my way to a PhD. But all the side aspects, that's what really gets me going.

Sorry that's all I can offer. Good luck!

[lph]

This isn't really directly relevant to learning and grades, but anyway: our 11 yr.old is going through a pre-teen snotty fase, and we're trying to handle this constructively. We're pretty heavy on him on doing what he has to do, his few chores, homework, but we're also trying to show him that we're all in this together. I make a point out of asking him for favours he can do for me, and thanking him for them, inviting him to join me in housework that he doesn't have to do just because I enjoy his company, baking a cake, walking with me, asking for his opinion on things. This really seems to help with his disrespect issues, much more than just being authoritative and telling him all the stuff he can't do. Besides, he's a bright and funny kid and he loves me seeing that.

[Crankin]

All good suggestions. As a former middle school teacher and a parent of 2 grown up boys, this is a really tough problem. I agree, he needs some responsibility in terms of stuff around the house. I too, stopped doing my kid's laundry when they turned 13. They did the dishes, made their beds, and helped with any big tasks outdoors (we already had cleaning help). I would also recommend volunteering, particularly in an area that he's really interested in. The school district I worked in had a strong community service requirement, mostly because we found that the kids, especially the troubled or otherwise unengaged ones really came through when the focus was on something other than themselves.
I know you don't live in a major metropolitan area, but is there a college, community college, or university nearby? That might be a resource for mentors, extra curricular stuff. I bet if you hooked him up with a techie type mentor, it would engage him.
Both of my kids worked around 10 hours a week when they turned 16. None of their friends worked, even through college. They had to manage their studies, activities, and for the younger one, his training and racing. The older one didn't do that well in ms and the first 2 years of hs (he skipped gym so much, he had to make it up by doing hours at the health club). When college got real, he did a lot better, but still, organization was a continual issue. But, he graduated with honors from college and has a great job, in addition to being bilingual and living in Italy for a year. He still has the ADD tendencies, but curiously, it never affects his work. The younger one was always "bored," and went from interest to interest. Once we had to take him, in a snowstorm to visit the MIT juggling club! He did fabulous in high school, started college as a sophomore because of all of his AP credits, and then quit to join the Marines. Why? He was "bored" with school and wanted to do something really hard. He's now happy, but ready to be done with the military when his enlistment is up in 2012.
So, you never can predict!

[Aggie_Ama]

Donna- I feel for you because I think I know which district you are in and the struggles they have for parents and educators is well known. Under funded (story of life nationwide but dire in Texas), overpopulated.

I was bored to tears for the most part in middle school. I was also classified as gifted by the Round Rock ISD system but wow unless I was in those two or three classes you could shove the rest because I was out like a light with boredom. In middle school I spent a lot of time getting detention for being disruptive because I talked to my friends while the teacher talked, I just was bored. The thing that saved me was journalism and for regular class a tough as nails history teacher (seriously she was a former Army Sgt). Journalism we learned to develop film, layout papers, copy edit, crop, it was really interesting. I am tone deaf so I hated music electives but journalism was a great outlet.

I think by the time I got out in 1999 they had even started offering computer science to 8th grade and up as an elective, not sure. Is it possible to get him in an elective or activity that he will look forward to? I had to stay out of trouble to be able to stay on Newspaper staff, worked for me.

[shootingstar]

He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

[DDH]

Quote:
Originally Posted by DDH
He really is a great kid. He's very responsible and trustworthy at home and when we go out. He behaves very well anywhere we go and never gets into any trouble at school. He's been taught to be polite and respectful. He loves to try to make people laugh once he gets to know them. He can be very silly and funny. His teachers and others usually find him very pleasant and love having him around. He can be very loving when he wants to be, but he's a teenage boy so that is not nearly as often as it use to be.

It's just school and getting work done. He test great most of the time so if they could just teach and then test, he would do fine. LOL

I hope he sees /hears what you wrote here. Praise for what he is good now as a person ..while he improves in other areas..you can never go wrong here.

Most definitely, I try to make sure he understands that. I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

[Biciclista]

your conflict with your husband isn't helping. If you are sabotaging what he's saying to your son that is sending him very bad messages. Your husband does see first hand what happens when people don't do well in school. Sometimes a little "tough love" is just what they need. I agree you need to read that book, boys adrift.

My older son went from honors classes to the regular ones when he was a fresh or soph in high school. Boy, did he discover THAT was a mistake. but it was HIS mistake. and when he went to college, he was able to take all the classes he needed. might be good for that boy to fail. i'm serious.

[shootingstar]

I gave him a valentine card that stated how proud I was of him and he said "well I know that's a lie". I looked at him and I said "of course it isn't a lie."
I told him, there a many things to be proud of him about other than just grades and then I named these many things to him.
I told him, he is good looking, very smart regardless of what his grades say, funny, polite, well behaved, pleasent to be around, helpful when he wants to be, and everyone else likes him too. I told him "son, your grades don't make you who you are."

He is very much loved, and it amazes me that I can look at him and know he is my heart, yet he doesn't know it, even with all I do for him and as often as I tell him how much I love him. One negative thing going on in your life an so easily and quickly erase all the positives. I guess we are all guilty, I have to make myself step back at times and go, wait, things aren't so bad.

Sounds like his self-confidence is low right now that he finds it tough to believe in praise from a good parent.

What is he interested right now/ his natural strong skill, either overt..or lying dormant? If he is not distracted by technological "toys", does he read anything that peaks his interest. Please find a way to work with this...I know it sounds so small but his horizons need to continously expand even if he is failing, etc. It doesn't matter. Reading passionately into area of one's own interest.. provides learning escape from demands of parents but provides intellectual stimulation. (Guess what I did, when I wanted to avoid household responsibilities/eldest child stuff. At least, my parents couldn't take away learning opportunities even if it was novels because of exposure to style, grammar and composition.)

And it could be just reading magazines and newspapers on regular basis. We must not get too narrow in our definition of acceptable reading sources to encourage children reading and intellectual thought long-term.

Is there any enjoyable activity shared between your hubby and son? Hopefully there will be something, even though right now might be some communication problems/stony silence. I agree that taking away his games to earn them back is enough punishment at his age, without long-winded lectures from his father.

[NbyNW]

Lots of resources for gifted kids here:

http://cty.jhu.edu/

and specifically for your situation: http://cty.jhu.edu/gifted/dcc/underachievement.html

I did the summer programs when I was that age (a long, long time ago!). One of the most valuable things about it was being around other kids who were bored at their regular schools, or maybe also had trouble fitting in socially because they happened to enjoy and be good at learning.

If I remember correctly, the programs weren't cheap, but there are scholarships and financial aid available.

[smurfalicious]

I have to jump in here because your son reminds me a lot of a girl I know very intimately. She started out in elementary school kicking butt and taking names, even if she stared dreamily out the window once she "got" what was being taught.

She pulled down straight A's pretty much through middle school. Scored in the 99th percentile on her tests, took advanced math and other such classes and enjoyed being challenged.

Then in high school, despite being in honors classes she got bored. The challenge wasn't there and she didn't see the point in doing assignments she felt she could do with her eyes closed. So her grades slipped, her chances of getting into a good school and scoring scholarships disappeared.

Fortunately she was super into computers and taught herself web design, and after graduation worked in the SF Bay area until the dot com collapse. It was until she moved home and went to the local community college that a counselor suggested she might have ADD. Apparently it goes unnoticed a lot if girls because they don't tend to have the H part of it, hyperactivity.

So while I know everyone wants to slap the ADD label on kids it might be worth looking into. There are non-stimulant meds now, and it can be managed without meds too. Unfortunately for adults with ADD non med management is a catch 22 because it requires really having your sh*t together which most of don't.

I'd take a peek at a book called "Driven to Distraction." It made me cry and cry and cry my eyes out because I realized that perhaps my life could have been a whole lot different.

Anyway, I wouldn't rule it out. There are a lot of stereotypes about what ADD is and isn't, but that book will give you a good idea. Some people think it's about focus, but really ADD people can focus like mad, but typically on the things they want to.

[shootingstar]

well, DDH hope you and your hubby just continue to believe in the best of him while he works to ramp up the rest. And if there's a low-cost/no-cost activity on weekends or after school, that will naturally fall into his natural strengths/interest, even better. It makes me cringe when nowadays school budgets have trimmed down on the fine arts, music, sports, etc.

Unless, DDH you suspect something else, he doesn't sound like ADD at this point in his life. He just doesn't know of other alternatives for himself because as you say in your immediate school district there aren't specialized programs for gifted. My niece at around 15, was bored and approached her parents to see if she could go to a specialized school for bright/gifted kids. I don't think she was gifted, just very focused and bright when she put her little mind to it. Parents were abit surprised but ..in the end, she got a little bursary to help her along.

I don't have children so my thoughts aren't as useful. I'm only a bystander to watching my partner deal with his 2 children as they grew up. His daughter is self-directed learner and always did well. She has her Master's in English Lit. His son felt he was always in the shadow of his older sister's accomplishments (sounds familiar to some of us??). He was an average student and more of a social animal. He (nor his sister) got into drugs and they each had a crowd of good friends. At 16 yrs., he started to fail...and eventually not go to school. Finally each of his parents (who were divorced by then, but thankfully had parallel parenting styles and values), each told him, either he stay in school or find a job.

To make this story shorter, he left home, hung out with some friends...and THANKFULLY found jobs in restaurants in Victoria, lived there. Got a girl pregnant...let's see by then, he was 20. Needless to say my partner was more than surprised.

Split up with girlfriend, came back to Toronto,..got his high school diploma, took some community college courses to become a chef.

He is now 28, happily married to another woman who just finished her university degree. He faithfully pays his child support and has his son with him in visits when it's his turn. He voraciously collects and reads cheffy cookbooks. Whenever he or we visit him, he cooks us these incredible gourmet chef meals..like the stuff you see in TV. Kinda like black box of ingredients ..and pouff,..a tasty meal.

Most ironically, his son was a supervising chef for a major chic restaurant in toronto where my brother-in-law also worked for awhile. All coincidental.

And I firmly believe, that his son would have fallen much further down the pit if it weren't for:

a) a father who consistently listened, communicated and visited his son.
b) a mother who did the same as well.
c)child is held accountable for his /her own life decisions as they grow into teenagehood and beyond.

And that the parenting styles for the child needs to be good and parallel.