how to deal with DH...

[Irulan]

Not knowing your situation, or who is in charge of the finances, maybe he feels you can't afford it? Is it so hard to respect that? The economy is not exactly robust right now. In my family, we discuss all expenses, and there's no nagging or attempting to convince someone to spend on something if the other isn't comfortable for some reason.

If you guys keep separate funds, do what you want with your money. If you keep joint funds, add something to your self care mix that doesn't cost $200.

exercise is not a luxury; it's crucial to my mental health.

I don't buy this as an excuse to spend another $200 a month for a exercise class . I have an ongoing depressive disorder that is greatly improved and managed through regular exercise and self care, plus regular medication. That doesn't mean I spend what my husband feels is inappropriate amounts of money to manage it.
There are lots of ways to exercise, get that mental refreshment, that don't cost money. Or, perhaps DH might support spending the money to get better treatment to manage your depression, if what you are doing now isn't working for you.

[buddha_bellies]

Please let us know how it works out. I hope your blues are temporary and you'll feel better soon.

$200 is a lot of money to spend a month on classes. But like what's already mentioned, your mental health is important. I spend $100/ month on Hot yoga without blink an eye. But I don't buy too many clothes or make-up to save for that. It's all about budgetting.

Has your DH always been cautious with how you guys spend money? If not, it might be something else that's bothering him. Hopefully, you guys can sit down and talk about it. Let him know what's been bothering you without blaming him or the in-laws. It is important that you express how you feel and not blaming anyone. You can only jusify how you feel. Tell him that this class would help you get out of your saddness and go from there.

Maybe he wants to help. Guys wants to "fix" things and find solution. Is the weather out there good enough that maybe the two of you can do some stuff outside (biking, skiing, snowshoeing??)

[gingerale]

Do you all have the extra $200?? If so, then I would definitely tell him you need it for your mental health. You'll be a better person (emotionally AND physically) and wife because you need that outlet. If you don't have the money for it, then I can understand his worry. That's where you both need to sit down together and work out some kind of financial compromise (sell something you no longer need, cut back on other things to afford the money for this, etc.). Good luck with it all and I hope you two work it out so that you are able to take the classes.

[Crankin]

If you are working, I don't see why he should complain about the $, unless you as a couple, have made a decision to cut down on spending. I mean, if you can't afford it, you shouldn't spend it, but if it isn't going to affect you buying necessities, then I would have an honest discussion with him and tell him you are going to do it. Maybe you could cut back elsewhere?
A few years ago I signed up for personal training at my gym (700.00 for 3 months). I was working, making good money, high 5 figures. I didn't feel any need to ask for permission, even though we share our money. I wouldn't do it now, though, because even though we can live very nicely on my husband's salary, that is something that I don't have to do, even though it would be beneficial for my mental and physical health. My good friend is working with a trainer now and I really want to, but it's not going to happen.

[bouncybouncy]

Wow, thanks!!! Lots of good perspectives and "ammo" to go back to hubby with.

The money (in my mind) doesn't seem to be the issue, I think it is "what" it is spent on because I think he is upset I am spending it on something I can do on my own trainer in the spare room...BUT, I don't get the same motivation and/or "high" sorta speak as I do when I go to these classes and really push myself (I lack self-discipline).

He has himself decided not to join the gym and do weights in order to save money but on the other hand would not blink twice at purchasing the fancy-smancy phone that is coming out (iPhone like)...Me? I went with the not-so-fancy-phone with lots of rebates and not so many bells n'whistles cause it doesn't mean that much! **but I did get a new mp3 player too. So, not so much the money but where it is going! (he is an uber techy geek!)

I have been to a therapist, he was all for it aside from the expense and I feel I can eliminate that if I had more cycling. I would love to go outside but having a hard time kicking a chest cold and the temp is just too low (missed a fun mtb ride last night in order not to refill my lungs with flem ew!)

So, I think I will readjust a few things spending-wise, reinforce the idea of how good this will be for my mental health, and go to the classes. We do give ourselves an allowance that will almost cover the expenses...so I will budget my little wallet more and hopefully not have to dip into the shared money.

When all is over and I am happy and not trying to sleep in every morning he will not regret me going!

by the way...it is $200 for about 16 classes (rounding out a bit) I am also getting a discount through a team I ride with so that helps too...I can show him the REAL cost compared to MY cost!!! hehe

[indysteel]

I don't buy this as an excuse to spend another $200 a month for a exercise class . I have an ongoing depressive disorder that is greatly improved and managed through regular exercise and self care, plus regular medication. That doesn't mean I spend what my husband feels is inappropriate amounts of money to manage it.
There are lots of ways to exercise, get that mental refreshment, that don't cost money. Or, perhaps DH might support spending the money to get better treatment to manage your depression, if what you are doing now isn't working for you.

I don't think, nor did I say, that mental health is an excuse to spend money on exercise if you can't afford it. My point is that I don't view the money I spend on exercise as a luxury in the same category as, say, eating out. It's more important to me than that. Yes, I could work out for free, but I, personally, prefer to take classes in a group setting. The social aspect of that helps me just as much as the exercise itself. I generally feel more motivated in a group setting, too. The fact that I have to pay $$ for those classes is acceptable to me--at least until my budget or the economy dictates otherwise. However, that doesn't mean that I have an unlimited budget for exercise. There is a limit to how much I'll spend, and I have cut back on my studio yoga classes for just that reason.

If Bouncy can otherwise afford the class, and she thinks she'll get something from it that she won't get from being on her trainer alone in the basement, then I think she should make that point to her husband. Maybe he'll see her point of view. If he doesn't or if they really can't afford it, then she'll presumably have to come up with a Plan B.

[bouncybouncy]

I wanted to add something here along the lines of Indy & Irulan's posts...

I work alone 40 hours a week in an basement of my bosses house in a dark room manipulated digital images...time out in the light of day with other people is therapeutic in itself!!! another reason I don't really want to go home and hop on a trainer in my own basement, alone, with no socialization whatsoever.

just a bit of personal insight to keep this discussion light & airy!!!

[Irulan]

That makes more sense now. Me, I hate the class scene: the whole social, blabblab bit that make workout take 45 minutes longer than it needs to while you play along. And I work solitary also.

For me, it's all about doing ANYTHING to get those endorphins to kick in. I don't need the social bit, I need the chemical change. Running upstairs when work gets to me for an hours worth of intervals on the trainer will do the trick, mostly.

You know, if you've got the money and can make it work, go for it. I put a high value on respecting where my spouse is coming from. We don't have the need to negotiate too much - maybe we just operate on a close wavelength, even about money issues. Personally I would feel funny doing what would feel to me like manipulating: putting on the sale, trying to convince or otherwise on an issue he's not comfortable with. For me, I'd just rather find a different solution that we both can live with.
We are both cheapskates, hate to spend money and WE JUST PAID OFF OUR HOUSE.

[Biciclista]

Irulan
congrats on paying off your house.


BB,
please take that class and get out of the house! and i wish you and your husband peace between you.
it sounds like you put up with a lot and have much need of escaping your basement. do it. and be stronger about your needs.

M

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Humans weren't meant to spend their days closed up in dark basements. You might wind up like the blind cave salamander!

[Mr. Bloom]

Bouncy, it sounds like you've sorted out a solution but don't be afraid to dip into "shared money". I'm going to offer the husband's perspective (and yes, I've been where he is and Silver's been where you are...and I was wrong (not always) but my perspective was narrow at best)

I like the feedback that you got from Indysteel and Biciclista.

Since I share some some narrow minded tendencies with your DH, I'm going to assume that there are similarities with how I might respond if you said:
- for all the reasons you say above, this is something you want to do.
- you work hard in a dark place all day long and, particularly this time of year, it's hard to stay motivated and excited
- you'll try to economize in other ways to offset the expense,
- BUT, the expense is reasonable and you feel strongly about wanting to do it.

Don't make it about fancy phones (pointing out something 'wrong' about him)...make it about what's good and fair for you.

When he sees a happy and bouncy bouncybouncy, he'll get it and may want to join in

[bouncybouncy]

Just an update and a big thank you to all who made a suggestion!!!

I discussed with hubby my intention to use my allowance to pay for the class along with tighten up my personal spending in order to do this. I also explained in more detail how I thought it would help my self-esteem...so he said OK, try it!

I have paid for classes through Feburary and still have $25 in my pocket for whatever (put towards March...hehe)

I have done 2 classes so far with hubby's support....he has seen how happy (Although tired!!!) I am when I come home from the class so I think he is A-OK with it now!



now I must go rest my weary legs!!!

[tulip]

Excellent! Put that $25 in yer piggy bank for later. Hey, I go to Asheville every few months for work; we should ride!

[bouncybouncy]

Tulip....Yes we should!!! I think you were here once last year but I could not hook up with you for whatever reason!

Give me a heads up next time you are on your way and we can make a plan!

We can PM to exchange phone info...

I live in Arden, don't know the roads too well but have friends who do! I do know the dirt if you want to go off road!

wooohoooo!