Dealing with Mid-Life Crisis

[lunacycles]

I have a framebuilding buddy in another country with whom I have been emailing for years. But, I started to notice, he seems to email me a lot more frequently, and with a lot more verbage, when he is having trouble with his girlfriend. It's so predictable now. She left the U.S. and moved in with him in Sept, and suddenly it got very quiet. But, sure enough, 3 months in, he's back and complaining about how he has lost his freedom. I told him to behave himself and haven't heard back.

You know, I think guys, guys who are your "friends," are often confused, especially if they are married or heavily committed. I get confused, too. Sometimes it is really nice having guys, regardless of their marital status, as your friends and nothing more. But it seems like that is a rarer thing than I thought it would be 20 years ago. I still have great guy friends, but sometimes it isn't worth it unless you've known each other so long the rules are absolutely clear and self evident.

[Grog]

Was sitting on a plane about six years ago (Paris to Montreal, so a long flight) once, this really charming guy was sitting next to me. We had pretty interesting conversation the whole way and sort of became friends. But he really corresponded to what you're describing, Bluetree: married, recently became the father of a young child, bored with his relationship. I can't remember the context, but I exploded with laughter at some point and told him outright he was just another textbook case of new-father-looking-for-something-"new"-outside-his-marriage. There are so many guys like that. I just told him that I refused to be a part of his mid-life crisis. We did stay in touch for a little while, and I will admit that the attention was welcome, but clearly he wanted to be more "friendly" than I was interested in.

I don't know if it's about the sex appeal, maybe. I suspect that it's a bit more than that.

I don't know what I'd do in your position, besides giving them a good shake and being as blunt as I was with that man. It's annoying because you probably enjoy these guys' company. But you probably don't want to get in the way of their relationship either... Even if you don't think that's what's going on, that's something to keep in mind. I know about the "I wish my wife cycled like you," and that would set off big big red flags for me.

[lph]

But he really corresponded to what you're describing, Bluetree: married, recently became the father of a young child, bored with his relationship.

For some reason that word "bored" just makes me see red. Sure, you can be unhappy with a relationship, or worried, or sad or feel like you're in the wrong place, but BORED?? Bored is respectless, bored implies it's somebody else's fault, bored means you can't be bothered to make an effort. So boo-hoo.

And how is it possible to be "bored" when you have a small child? Frazzled, worked off your head, tired, sure - but bored?

Sorry, this just gets me. To me agreeing to have and raise a child is a much bigger commitment than marriage vows. I have every sympathy with parents who cannot struggle through those first tough years without trouble or even splitting up, but geez louise, give it a fighting chance and don't start moaning that you're "bored". You just brought a new life into the world, so suck it up and be responsible.

No offence meant to you, Grog!

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

LPH,
I agree with you about the word 'bored'.
I tend to think that the only people who get bored are boring people.
When my children used to come to me whining about 'being bored', I would just tell them "You're bored because you're not doing anything. Get off your behind and do something interesting and you won't be bored anymore." (OMG how they used to hate it when I said that!) Then I'd suggest they go for a jog or ride their bike, phone a friend, read a book, draw or paint something, build a model of something, plant some herb seeds for the windowsill, play some music, identify and press some wildflowers, write a poem, play badminton in the yard, practice their knitting, make some cookies.......(by that time they had usually left the room).

[Flybye]

I just want to offer a different perspective here. People who are in long term marriages, even with a bazillion kids, do get bored. It is a part of life. Those who admit that they are bored instead of trying to stifle it and live feeling shamed for having normal thoughts are the ones who can find themselves in a lot of trouble. The feeling of boredom does not go away by trying to think it away or shame it away. If individuals can't express normal and honest emotions and feelings, it opens the door just a little wider to the possibility of having a discreet affair.

Healthy marriages are about honesty. Good mental health is about honest and open perspectives into feelings and thoughts.

I think that it is encouraging that others are seeking opinions about their boredom. That tells me that they are asking "am I okay?? are others experiencing the same thoughts and feelings as I am?" and most importantly, it acknowledges that they are wrestling with something that they don't feel right about.

When we can name and claim a feeling, we are more open to honestly examine and explore it. Those are the people who will most likely find something good and productive to fill that boredom void. With something other than an affair.

Developmentally speaking, if we look at adults in the age ranges 0f 35-45, adults at this stage are going through what Eric Erickson referred to as the stage of Generativity vs. Stagnation...... people in this stage of adulthood have a tendency to either become self-absorbed with personal achievements and life-style (a more stagnant approach to life) or to become more generative - individuals who seek productive work, new adventures and challenges, and setting important goals. It is a time of re-examination - a realization that the time is ripe to reach goals. There is a bit of a struggle to find the path at this stage, just as there were at other stages, such as during the grand old time of adolescents when we were struggling to find our identities in the world.

Within this framework, then, it is NORMAL that they are examining their lives, every faucet of it. Without the self exploration there will be no generativity.

Some men feel more comfortable talking to other women about issues. I would suspect that Bluetree is a good conversationalist, someone that they trust, and someone that they respect an opinion from. In this way, then, if my assumptions are correct, Bluetree is a gatekeeper of sorts to help them normalize how they are feeling and then suggest that they seek help outside of the friendship circle. If my assumptions are correct, then, I think Bluetree is doing an honorable job at being a friend and confidant.

My suggestion to them would be they see a Counselor to help them understand some of the thoughts and feelings that they are experiencing.

[lph]

I see your point, Flybye, and I agree that one should try to understand honestly the feelings one has. But to my ears there's a huge difference in the attitude between being unhappy or unsatisfied (but being able or willing to do something about it) and being bored, which implies that that's the way things are and you can't even be bothered to do something about it. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into that word. I have the feeling my mother went ballistic when I said I was bored as a child and it's stuck

[Tuckervill]

Boredom is an emotion, like sadness, anger, joy. It's not a flaw or a personal failing. Most emotions pass. It's the actions you take based on those emotions that matter.

Karen

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

I see your point, Flybye, and I agree that one should try to understand honestly the feelings one has. But to my ears there's a huge difference in the attitude between being unhappy or unsatisfied (but being able or willing to do something about it) and being bored, which implies that that's the way things are and you can't even be bothered to do something about it. I dunno, maybe I'm reading too much into that word. I have the feeling my mother went ballistic when I said I was bored as a child and it's stuck

Yeah, I tend to define 'boredom' the same way. I see being 'bored' in a marriage as very different from being sad or feeling empty, frustrated, unappreciated, etc. To me it implies that they think the spouse has 'failed' at being interesting to them anymore. And maybe we all define boredom slightly differently.
One thing this all made me remember however, is a little story my mother used to tell....apparently when my brother was about 2 1/2 or so, he toddled up to my mother and said glumly "Mommee, I want sum'ping!!" She said that was his way of saying he was bored and wanted 'something' but didn't know exactly what, and she thought that was cute.
Perhaps the real meaning of being bored is that you want sum'ping!
Maybe those guys just need a cookie.