Any ideas for a Tahoe mtb elopement/family issues

[TrekJeni]

The reason so many parents are upset when their kids elope is because it is very painful to be excluded from something so important in the life of someone you love. Perhaps it's a case of the parent being publicly reminded that things aren't the way they'd hoped between the parent and child. Perhaps it feels like a slap in the face to be excluded from the wedding after all the parents have done for the child. Perhaps it's the once in a lifetime nature (supposedly) of a wedding, and parents don't want to miss it. Perhaps they just want to share in the happiness. Perhaps the child really is too young, and really will regret it later.

Whatever the reason parents are upset about being excluded, whether valid or not, if you care for your parents in any way, you owe them an explanation of your feelings. Don't just slap them upside the head with it and say "we're not close". Take their feelings into consideration. Be proactive about what you want, and sensitive about how it affects others, because it does. And the wound can last a long time.

Karen

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

[indysteel]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

Wow, your mom sounds a lot like mine. My parents have never expressed much interest or enthusiam for the happier aspects of my life. In fact, my mom explicitly told me years ago that she didn't want to know anything about my love life. So, I keep most of it to myself. They know I'm dating someone now, but they've never met him (and have expressed no interest in doing so) and have no idea how serious it is. They barely even remember his name. It's heartbreaking when I dwell on it, but I try not to. It helps that I've had years of therapy to deal with my family's many deficiencies.

So I, too, would prefer to get married privately. My parents know that and, frankly, seemed a little relieved. Even if they were hurt, however, I'd still marry privately, and I doubt that I'd give much of an explanation for my decision. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate my parents, and we actually have a cordial relationship. But it is glaringly superficial, and at the age of
39, I have no interest in creating some fiction for the sole purpose of my wedding. It would be insincere at best, painful at worst.

I'm happy that the average family isn't like this. For that reason, I understand why most brides and grooms want their family present at their wedding. For me, however, having a wedding that is just about me and my intended, not only makes more sense, but is a critical act of self-preservation. I hope that it represents a line in the sand between my family of origin and my own family.

With all of that said, I'm not telling you to thumb your nose at your family. But I do think your wedding is an event that should ideally fulfill your own needs and wishes first and foremost. To the extent that you can factor in other people's needs and wishes, then great. But if you can't, then so be it.

In any event, I wish you and Geoff the best in your life together. Congratulations!!!!

[GraysonKelly]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

I agree with what Karen said, to an extent, but it doesn't sound like that applies to your situation. My mother was a lot like yours for most of my life, it's only been in the last couple of years that we've managed any kind of civility. While I understand being conscious of other's feelings, ultimately you have to do what's best for you and protect yourself, even from your family. It may seem callous but it sounds to me like you told her. If you feel that your announcement to marry Geoff needs a one-on-one conversation with your mom, then do it. But insulate yourself as best you can if she doesn't respond at all or responds negatively. That way the ball is in her court and you can go ahead with your own plans. Let your friend or family plan a reception for you upon your return so that you can celebrate with them.
Good luck,
Gray

[Tuckervill]

Hi Karen - I appreciate your honesty. I don't know if this was directed at me but I feel the urge to respond. My mother and I are not close. Never have been. She was in the living room with myself and my sister when I mentioned that Geoff and I were thinking about getting married. She briefly looked up from her game of Sudoku (or however you spell it) and then started filling in more boxes. Never uttered a word.

She's always been a stone when it comes to great things in life. My sister received the same treatment when she announced she was getting married six years ago. Same for when we both bought houses, graduated college and got great jobs. No "I'm proud of you", "I'm so happy", I knew you could do it", I can't wait to visit", nothing. Same thing in high school, "Mom, I think I want to be a vet, pilot, doctor, astronaut" was received with a "You're not good enough, smart enough, etc"...

Oh and I don't think I'm too young. Never been married, no kids and I'm 33. I've just ben waiting for the best! And it certainly helps he manages his fathers bike shop!!!

It was directed to the subject matter, not you, personally. I, too, agree that people should have the wedding that pleases them, not the parents. But I also think taking into consideration the feelings of others is always called for.

Some families are so dysfunctional that a small gesture like considering the others' feelings is like spitting into the sea. It won't be recognized and it won't change anything. But at least you (generic you) would know you tried.

Karen