on being a mom

[Flybye]

Here's a thought.

I did. I was confident that I did not want to raise my kids with only what I knew from the home I grew up in: dysfunction, abuse etc. I took tons of free parenting classes from various sources, and basically did learn new things, from scratch. Nothing like breaking the chain.

A big huge hug to you for breaking the chain - that is so incredible. And admriable.

[emily_in_nc]

My DH and I tried to have kids for eight years. Lots and lots of temperature taking and timing, and finally even a surgery and IVF. It worked, I became pregnant, only to have a miscarriage. Was absolutely devastated.

I thought for a full decade during the infertility struggles that my life could never be complete without a child. I was as obsessed with having a baby as I used to be about cycling. With time, I worked through it, and now, at 47, my life is great, and I'm perfectly happy without children. My DH and I have been married for 23 years and are very happy. He is early retired and I'll be able to be too (no college funds).

Yes, I do think I missed out on something that would have been amazing had I been able to become a mother, but there is so much to enjoy in life even without children. Dogs, for one.

Life is good.

[Crankin]

Everyone is different. I think I would have been fine without kids, but maybe at teeny bit of regret at the age I am now.
My only comment is that I am glad I had mine when I was young, 29 for the first. Around here you are a young mother if you have your first at 35-40! I wouldn't want to have a teen now.
Sometimes, when people come into my husband's office and see their pictures, they say, "Oh, are those your brothers?" They don't believe it when he says they are his kids, despite the fact he has some grey hair.
I too, saw the result of bad parenting when teaching, but you can overcome it, because my husband did. He knew nothing, except verbal abuse and being bought "stuff" instead of time with his parents. I always babysat, have a brother 10 years younger and 3 cousins I also took care of. My husband just watched what I did and in many ways was a better parent than me when they were younger.

[polly4711]

My parents had me at 39. They weren't sure that they wanted kids. One thing that they did to test out (and you have to have tough skin for this one) is that they became foster parents for younger children. After some time, they decided that they wanted a child, and well, Thanksgiving 1985 had me (gotta love it when your dad is on pain meds and volunteer all sorts of wonderful information).

Anyways... you still have a few years in you. Yes, money can be a factor, but you can also give your child a wonderful life at a much less cost with being creative.

Personally, my mom is glad that she had me. She has been able to give to the community while being a great mom by helping out in the class room, leading my Girl Scout troops, helping drive other kids to practices, etc.

It's a tough decision, I wish you the best. Please keep me updated.

JP

[channlluv]

I respect your feelings and your decision, but I want to share my experience, too, briefly. I'll spare you all the medical details, but I've lost five children to miscarriage. I have one - quite literally - miracle child, because a doctor listened to me and let me follow my intuition. God bless Vera Barile, wherever she is.

I never felt more goddess-like than when I was pregnant and then nursing my baby. I was never much of a baby person, either. I enjoyed kids okay, but I never went ga-ga over them. There's not a whole lot in my life I've done extremely well, but I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed being pregnant. I really did. Feeling that little life growing inside me, it was amazing.

That opinion that it's different when it's your own...true for some, not so much for others, I guess, but man, it was true for me.

If you do get pregnant, you're in for the greatest love affair of your life.

Peace and good health to you, whatever your decision.

Roxy

[jesvetmed]

This is similar to what I've been going through for several years. I was the child of an "oops", and raised by my grandparents. They ended up adopting me. They were wonderful, but not without issues.

But overall, family hasn't been a strong suit in my life. I always loved the idea of a big family coming home on holidays, etc.. you know, the belief in the "typical American Family". But the realities that I see made that picture less believable.

At any rate, I married at 29 yrs, back to school at 28 for 4 years, new time-consuming and energy-consuming career by 32, and big student loan bills (I'm still paying them )

We kept saying we weren't ready for kids, we could have them later. I kept thinking that the desire would hit me some day. DH teaches high school. He "has 120 kids of his own" every day. He has always said if I think I want a child, say the word, but he doesn't really have the desire enough to ask me to have them.

So I think we were both waiting for the other to feel the need. So far, it hasn't happened. We are 42 and 43 now. Sure, we still could have them, but my gosh -- we'd be old when they were teenagers! And neither of us have any desire, still.

So we've come to terms with that decision, and have full lives and good friends. We have his family (my parents have both passed away), and that is enough. Many of our friends with children are hitting their empty nests as their kids are heading off to college.

Will I be sorry when I'm 50 or 60... who knows. Maybe. But for now, I am happy with the decision (or in this case -- lack of making a decision for so long )

Follow your heart in whatever you feel. It will be the right decision for YOU.

[MomOnBike]

OK, from my point of view, kids are expensive. And I went the thrift-store, make our own pleasures route - until the needed More.

More education tops the list, the younger daughter is going to one of the Big Eastern Universities That Everybody Has Heard Of But Nobody Can Afford. That one took up fencing and last year fenced her way into the NCAA finals. Fencing is an expensive sport that she happens to love and is good at.

The elder daughter is/was less expensive, but still was a financial drain.

In my opinion, you shouldn't have kids (dogs, horses, rats, etc.) unless you are willing to give them what helps make them the best they can be. And that is expensive - in time if nothing else.

I'd have a nicer house, more bikes, nicer clothes, and a bunch of other things without my children. But in the end, that is just Stuff.

That's the bad news. The good news is there is no feeling on earth as wonderful as being proud of your children. That's not Stuff, that's Real.

So, have a baby or not? It's your call, of course, but being a parent is the hardest job you will ever do. Don't let anyone tell you different. But there are rewards, however intangible they may be.

[Miranda]

Wow, this is quite a thread...

Well, I was one of those people that never wanted kids. Couldn't stand them. Couldn't stand people telling me I had to have them, etc. But, I did...

At pushing 30, I had my first, then a second at 32. I was also a surprise unwanted change of life baby myself. With teenagers ready to leave the house, along I came for my mom at 40. The first thing the doc asked her was if she wanted to abort me. But, here I am. Mom said she cried for two weeks straight because she didn't want everyone to think she was my gray headed grandma, vs mom. Now, turning 80 this year, she says that I kept her young. We are very close.

I became pregnant (by choice) as I was finishing my MBA, and had a career that I made more $ than my DH. All of our non-kid friends couldn't believe it. Then, they thought I had really lost it when I kissed corporate America good-bye to be with my baby at home. I telecommuted part time, and regret the time away doing even that.

I would have never ever thought even MYSELF that I would be a mom. I say phooey on those people who tell you do it "because". If it's right, it will come.

[vinbek]

I was a career girl. Liked making money. No time for anything but myself. I married my husband at 37. I never was around kids. Never babysat. It wasn't that I didn't like them, they were just never on the radar screen for me. At 40 I got pregnant and delivered at the age of 41. I had a wonderful job, good money, all the stuff we all like and plenty of time to train on my bike. I ended up quitting my job when my daughter was 2.5 - I just couldn't do it all and wanted to be a better mother than my own - but that's another story. I got pregnant again and miscarried. Then did a GIFT procedure and it worked the first time. I was pregnant with twins and miscarried one. My son was born at age 44. I am glad with my choices. It was hard adjusting to not working- my identity was totally tied up with what I did and not who I was, but now the kids are old enough that we really enjoy biking and skiing together. We are very active. I have found some new work opportunities both at church and at school - using the creative side of my brain rather than the numbers crunching side. My older sister had one child and swore she would never have another. She hated the whole birth experience. My younger sister never had children - she has adopted mine for fun and games. She and her husband help disadvantaged children from time to time and enjoy their life together without children. I try to stay in the moment. Enjoy where I am and not project into the past or into the future too much.