on being a mom

[shootingstar]

I'm 37. I'm not sure if I want to be a mother. All through my childhood and into my late 20's there wasn't a smidge of doubt that I wouldn't have kids. Then during my early 30's I started to question whether I wanted to have children.

I don't have a burning desire to be a mother like some women have. The truth of the matter is, I hate babies. I love kids, around ages 5 and up, but the squirming babies and crying/whining toddlers really does my head in. People insist it's different when it's yours, but I obviously can't comment on that as I don't have one.

Anyone out there who felt like me and was glad you had a child, or should I take my feelings as a red flag and remain childless as I'm too selfish and set in my ways?

And yes, I do have a partner, and he's pretty much in this frame of mind: if it happens, great, if not, oh well.

I don't regret my decision not to have children. I don't have baby envy partially because I am the oldest of 6 with youngest sibling 10 yrs. younger than I. And since parents couldn't afford baby sitters, nearly every day I was expected to be on the look out for at least some of the much younger siblings. Seeing the stress of childrearing on my parents, particularily my mother, probably influenced me a great deal.

It is important to get long-term feelings clear particularily if a woman enters into an intimate relationship with a guy from a lst marriage who already has children.

He has 2 children (30 & 28) who are good responsible adults and fun to be with now. But for first decade or so of knowing him, I chose not to move into his place or vice versa and start being mommy..and you now, my partner is GLAD. It made it easier for him on the days when he had them during those teen years during divorce. Hence, I think the adjustment of the children to me, is better and healthier long-term. My parenting style probably would have been quite different from their mother's , since I have a different personality.

Most generously he has left the decision to me. And said he would suppport me if I really wanted our own child. I thought he was abit Nuts...since he is relieved his major childrearing years are over. The guy must be 100% on side also to have children too. At this time, he regrets abit his little grandson lives in another province. He really would love to pull along grandson in a biker trailer. When his children were young, at that time, cycling was not in his life, farming was his hobby/physical activity on weekends.

I love my honey since obviously he meant if I ever got accidentally pregnant.... Pretty remote since am in perimenopause.. I have been with honey since I was 32.

Truly, my life feels well-rounded with his children and with 6 nieces and nephews via 3 sisters. One thing, I have noticed though, that being childless, means I'm not totally clued in to the passage of time in the same way, a parent experiences due to growing children. So am approaching 50 next yr.

[maillotpois]

I am not a baby person. Before I had my child I didn't think I could care for anyone as much as my dog. I never baby sat when I saw growing up, and didn't ever feel particularly comfortable around kids. I'm with lph in that now that my daughter's almost a teenager, I am back to really not "getting" small kids anymore.

I can't say if having kids is right for you, but having one (operative word ONE) was definitely one of the best things I have done.

[Irulan]

Don't let what others want cloud your choice. I am a very firm believer in that every baby should be wanted and loved, and born into a stable home with two parents committed to each other.

[badger]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

[Becky]

Badger, I can understand your feelings, mostly because they are so much like my own on this subject. I'm not sure that I can share any wisdom, but I want to thank you for posting this and opening up this discussion.

[Irulan]

thanks, everyone!

One of the things that's really leaning me towards not having a child is the money factor. Let's face it, they're expensive, and will only get more expensive as they get older because I would want to expose the child to as much as possible in terms of culture and sports. Piano, ballet (every child should take ballet, boy or a girl, such a great launching pad for all other sports!), swimming, etc. aren't cheap!

Another thing I'm hesitant in giving up is my freedom and our "let's go snowboarding this week" mentality where we'll pick up and go in the middle of February. We won't be able to do that with a child in school.

I have a good friend who is a mother of a 16 month old. She is always telling me I need, yes, NEED to have one because she loves her son so much. That may be so, but I also see her staying up all night with his fever, worrying to death that his iron count is low, and getting hit by his wayward fists when he's having a whiny fit, and generally letting herself go for the sake of her son (she's lives/breathes for him, which I find a bit unhealthy).

But on the other hand, I'll see my 10 year old niece and realize just what a neat kid she is, how much fun I would have with my own discovering stuff I'm interested in (assuming he/she will share that interest!!).

It's not like I have a whole lot of time to ruminate over this, I'll be 38 in a couple of months and my boyfriend will be 42 in April. Maybe the decision will be made for us in not conceiving anyways!

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)

[Tri Girl]

I'm in the same situatuion as you, Badger. I don't like babies (except for looking at them and thinking- how cute). I don't have a motherly bone in me. I teach (I guess I do have a teeny motherly bone for that) and I think that's the reason I don't want my own children. I see how difficult it can be. I'm not blinded and think that they are so wonderful and life will be greater with them, etc. I know it's darn hard work to be a good parent (and I also see everyday how easy it is to be a bad parent).

When I was little I always wanted kids. Now that I'm 35, I don't think so. I have 17 neices and nephews. I'm totally at peace and OK with my decision. DH is too. I don't think it's selfish, I think it's responsible and honest. We love our freedom, being able to travel at a moment's notice, and our carefree life. If we accidentally get pregnant, so be it- we'll love the little one with all our hearts. But if I get pregnant, it'll be because that child was SO supposed to be here (we use multiple methods of BC).

In our society, something is seen as being wrong with you if you don't have children. It's expected that you'll grow up, get married, and reproduce. After 12.5 years of marriage, people have finally stopped asking us "when are you going to have a little one?" My mom still says "who will take care of you when you get old?" and I always respond "my 401K."
Every one of my friends (but one) has children. They all LOVE being moms and always talk all about their kids (and I share my dog stories), but I love not being a mom. To each his own.

I think whatever happens is supposed to happen. I'm kind of a believer in fate. Good or bad things happen for reasons, and if it's supposed to be, it'll be.

I guess there were no words of wisdom, but wanted you to know you're certainly not alone.

[lph]

Irulan, nice post, we've done a lot of the same activities. Tri Girl, wouldn'cha know, it's not enough to have one... I've had total strangers come up to me and comment on our single bike trailer and ask - "but aren't you going to have ANOTHER one?" Uh, like it's any of your business??

[shootingstar]

I have 17 neices and nephews. I'm totally at peace and OK with my decision. DH is too. I think whatever happens is supposed to happen. I'm kind of a believer in fate. Good or bad things happen for reasons, and if it's supposed to be, it'll be. ........................

I guess there were no words of wisdom, but wanted you to know you're certainly not alone.

Wow, so many nieces and nephews. Kinda of rare these days..at least in North America. But Tri, it is an enormous blessing to be part of large extended family. I do believe for mentally sound people, it's helpful to have exposure to children in different ways, when one is childless. Just keeps one's perspective in balance.

I do tend to believe in fate if children becomes or does not become part of one's own family. I don't really at all understand nor support the whole idea of a woman having a child /baby just herself without any partner from the beginning of birth...where she deliberately gets pregnant just to have a child for herself. If life circumstances are such that a woman did want a child but did not meet the right guy, and later can no longer conceive, then she must reconcile those feelings over time. Just my opinion.

On the rare occasion I have mused aloud to him, well what would baby look like with my Asian black hair, etc. and his blue eyes, longer nose.

It's ok , my curiosity is satisfied I think I sorta know what the physiological end result of the union would look like ...2 of my brothers-in-law who are also fathers, have blue eyes.

[Tuckervill]

Mom of two in college, I have to make a few comments.

The money thing is in some ways, total BS. The little princes and princesses do NOT have to have the best of everything. There are lots of ways to do really cool things with your kids that do not require a huge outlay.

My nursery was decorated in "garage sale". The designer clothes were handmedowns, as were many of their toys. We skipped the team sports thing. We didn't eat a lot of fast food. We made a lot of trips to the library, skipped the play station....you get the picture. My city has free kids concerts once a month. You just have to get creative.

What if your kid HATES ballet? The boy who is going to want to do it is rare, and I'll caution you right now that forcing what you think a kid should learn can sometimes backfire.

And as for the snowboarding thing....We are a very active outdoors family. When the youngest was 18 mos old, DH joined the ski patrol so we could get family passes. Youngest was on the ski hill on leashes, before he was out of diapers. We did LOTS of camping, family raft trips, ski trips, etc. Sure, it's a ton more work, but when people tell me that their active lifestyle ended with kids... another load of crap. They are just too lazy to figure out how to make it work. That's their choice of course.

And you can take them out of school for a week. We've done it for raft trips ( 10 days in Alaska) and ski trips. They can bring their homework along. The only times this didn't work was when each kid was a senior in HS.

I've got issues with your friend telling you that you NEED to have a kid etc. Granted its become an important part of her life, but that may not be what's right for you.

It's never black and white. So many ways to do it or not do it. Listen to what is right for your family ( which could just be the two of you)

Yeah, thanks. I agree.

One thing people who have kids DO sacrifice is thinking in absolutes. Saying "should, will, must, always, never" goes right out the window when there's another free will involved. Those of you without children may need to remember that there, but for your choices, go you!

All of us are "blind" about children, what it will do to us, what it won't. What might have been if we had not had them. I resent the implication that people who choose to be childless are somehow superior at knowing themselves, and especially superior at guessing what childrearing is like, and how it will affect them and their lives. You don't know what you don't know. Sure, you may have an inkling of what you can't tolerate. Knowing your limits is a wonderful thing. But I often hear fear and ignorance in expression of those limits. If you want to be open to children, be open to the idea that you might change your mind about a lot of things.

I also resent when someone says that babies are gross and icky. I think it's an insult on a human dignity level, and one should take a look at their own naked selves, and maybe predict the future, too, when one may be icky and gross again and someone else has to clean up after them. It's how we all are. Gross and icky with obvious bodily functions, and by gosh our emotions are out there sometimes, too, for all the world to see! Don't hold it against the creatures that are new to this Earth, because it was you, and it will be you again some day.

I am also continually dismayed that the religious idea that humans are born sinful has so invaded our society and our collective psyche that most people do not see babies, children or others of any age as basically good, and afford them the human dignity of all that entails. Children are not born whining. They are born crying to get their needs met, a biological call-and-answer, and if their needs are met, they don't learn to whine.

Please do not have children if you do not want them.

Karen