to funeral or not to funeral?

[indysteel]

I generally go to the visitation rather than the funeral unless I personally knew the deceased and then I try to go to both. I also send a sympathy card. I've grown to appreciate just how much it means to people.

[sbctwin]

I am sorry TsPoet for the loss of your friend. I would go to the funeral to say goodbye and to be a presence because your were her friend. I don't often go to funerals because they are usually during work hours, but I go when someone has touched me in a very personal way. I recently went to a funeral of an 86 yr old man that I only knew because we would 'chat' after mass about my bike rides. He touched me in such a special way with only a few minutes each week. Funerals are sad, but can be joyous in that you get to say 'goodbye' in a special way.

[evangundy]

I have attended every funeral that I could for friends or family, since I was in my early teens. I had to miss my paternal grandma's since it was too far away (Mom & Dad went - us kids stayed with aunt & uncle) - I had really wanted to go because she passed on my 12th birthday. I don't know why I felt that way, since I had only met her three times in my life. But I think because I didn't go, I listened to all the talk I could when the folks came back, and I can remember them talking about all the people who were there; they were surprised how many; how much it meant that so&so was there even though it had been umpteen years since they'd seen them; old neighbors, church members, Moose club members, etc. It made them feel proud that their mom had touched so many lives that they hadn't known about. Guess all that talk made an impression on me at that young age.

Some of the funerals, I only made an appearance, stayed only 1/2 hour, but others I ended up spending all day, visiting and reminiscing. Each one is different, but it's a chance to say goodbye and to see and hear things about that person that you might not have known. So far, all have been positive.

I think you'll be glad you went. Sounds like she was a friend you'll miss. I'm sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to her family. Her dying young and unexpectedly will be hard on them.

And when my time comes, tspoet, I want you to help remind Dave that I want a party, not a funeral. My ashes are to be spread, some on the coast at the Recumbent Retreat, and some in the Canadian Rockies. My sister thinks I need a real funeral and burial, so I told her we would send her some of my ashes and she can have a party/funeral/burial for me back home. I don't know if she realized I was serious.

Edna

[PamNY]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

You started an interesting discussion and you've gotten good advice. I think attending the funeral or visitation (or both) is good. I also think condolence notes are often very meaningful and comforting to the bereaved, as is a small memorial donation.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that the note doesn't have to be brilliant, the flowers don't have to be perfect, the donation doesn't have to be huge, and if I can't make the funeral that's okay. The important thing is to do something to acknowledge the importance of the person who has gone.

Pam

[Tuckervill]

wow, thanks to everyone. And thanks for the quick answers.
I will definitely go. In fact, I've arranged to carpool with someone else from work who is going - so I can't forget or come up with an excuse.
based on your input I have a different attitude and if it's possible to "happily" go to a funeral, that's what I'll be doing. It doesn't seem like a chore anymore, but rather something positive to do with my day tomorrow.

thank you.

I'm so happy you changed your mind. I admire people who can do that so gracefully.

The others have said how important it is for the family that people come. My experience has been similar.

My husband's bookkeeper died after a long battle with cancer, leaving her husband and 9 yo son. We had only known her for 3-4 years, while all the rest of the employees had known her much longer. However, she greatly admired my husband, which he didn't really know. When we arrived at the funeral home for visitation, through the large crowd, her sisters and her mother were falling over themselves to greet him, and tell hm how much he meant to her, and to thank him for treating her so well in her last years. He was stunned, and one of the only times I've seen him tearful in front of others. He had no idea that she talked about him so much.

So, you never know what impact you have on others, and it's good for everyone involved to find out once in a while. It would be really nice if you could connect with at least one member of her family, and tell that story.

Karen

[TsPoet]

It was a nice service. Her eldest son told me the family had been discussing the number of people who had come from work, He said they had no idea she had so many friends. It was standing room only.

(Edna, I will keep Dave in line. I love it, the bent retreat, 50th annual, probably)

[jobob]

Very glad that you went, sounds like it was a good experience.