to funeral or not to funeral?

[Aggie_Ama]

My Pawpaw still lived where the mail carrier walked to each house and personally delivered the mail. He befriended the woman who carried his and bought Diet Coke and Tootsie rolls for her. She came to his funeral and told us that story then said she hadn't been to a funeral since her mother died 20 years earlier but for Mr. Norris (his first name) she couldn't not come. Five years later the thought and story still has me tearing up. I think that is what I get from this thread, the unexpected people who show up sometimes make the biggest impact on a grieving family.

TSPoet- I am glad you have chosen to honor your friend, I hope the funeral will bring you comfort. Remember the story that made you smile, share it with a friend or relative of hers. You never know you may be their bright spot like my Pawpaw's mail carrier.

[indysteel]

I generally go to the visitation rather than the funeral unless I personally knew the deceased and then I try to go to both. I also send a sympathy card. I've grown to appreciate just how much it means to people.

[sbctwin]

I am sorry TsPoet for the loss of your friend. I would go to the funeral to say goodbye and to be a presence because your were her friend. I don't often go to funerals because they are usually during work hours, but I go when someone has touched me in a very personal way. I recently went to a funeral of an 86 yr old man that I only knew because we would 'chat' after mass about my bike rides. He touched me in such a special way with only a few minutes each week. Funerals are sad, but can be joyous in that you get to say 'goodbye' in a special way.

[evangundy]

I have attended every funeral that I could for friends or family, since I was in my early teens. I had to miss my paternal grandma's since it was too far away (Mom & Dad went - us kids stayed with aunt & uncle) - I had really wanted to go because she passed on my 12th birthday. I don't know why I felt that way, since I had only met her three times in my life. But I think because I didn't go, I listened to all the talk I could when the folks came back, and I can remember them talking about all the people who were there; they were surprised how many; how much it meant that so&so was there even though it had been umpteen years since they'd seen them; old neighbors, church members, Moose club members, etc. It made them feel proud that their mom had touched so many lives that they hadn't known about. Guess all that talk made an impression on me at that young age.

Some of the funerals, I only made an appearance, stayed only 1/2 hour, but others I ended up spending all day, visiting and reminiscing. Each one is different, but it's a chance to say goodbye and to see and hear things about that person that you might not have known. So far, all have been positive.

I think you'll be glad you went. Sounds like she was a friend you'll miss. I'm sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to her family. Her dying young and unexpectedly will be hard on them.

And when my time comes, tspoet, I want you to help remind Dave that I want a party, not a funeral. My ashes are to be spread, some on the coast at the Recumbent Retreat, and some in the Canadian Rockies. My sister thinks I need a real funeral and burial, so I told her we would send her some of my ashes and she can have a party/funeral/burial for me back home. I don't know if she realized I was serious.

Edna

[PamNY]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

You started an interesting discussion and you've gotten good advice. I think attending the funeral or visitation (or both) is good. I also think condolence notes are often very meaningful and comforting to the bereaved, as is a small memorial donation.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that the note doesn't have to be brilliant, the flowers don't have to be perfect, the donation doesn't have to be huge, and if I can't make the funeral that's okay. The important thing is to do something to acknowledge the importance of the person who has gone.

Pam