to funeral or not to funeral?

[melissam]

Tspoet,

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your coworker and friend.

My mom's identical twin died in a car accident when she was 33. Since then, my mom has gone to every funeral/memorial service she has been invited to. I finally asked her why, and she said that she does it because it meant so much to her that people showed up for her sister's funeral all those years ago. Needless to say, since hearing this, I now go to every funeral/memorial service that I'm invited to. After all, if my presence can give the grieving family even a little bit of comfort, who am I to deny them of it?

- Melissa

[ginny]

I'm sorry for the loss of a friend. A couple of years ago, I went home for my grandfather's funeral. He was a right b@$t@rd... he physically and sexually abused my mother, and I shall never forgive him. His wife, my grandma loved him though, and I love her, so I went.

Office politics are weird. I don't play the games; if it isn't family, I might just send a letter to her family afterwards sharing a story or how special your friend was to you. Letters last, and as others have said, I think the family may appreciate knowing about how special their mother was to other people - later, when they can digest it is fine I think... but, as the Christmas thread has pointed out about life in general, do what you think is best.

[Possegal]

I will probably just reiterate a few things others have said but, I'm an Irishman, we do funerals well.

I agree, funerals are for the living, all the more reason for me to go. I remember how very touched I was at the people who showed for my mother and my father. Maybe I didn't know them, but it meant so much to me to see that they had touched the lives of people I didn't even know. When Mum died, my sister was talking to this older woman and as I walked by, she grabbed me and said, you have to hear this - this woman had been on the Amtrak with my mother the previous Christmas season, when I sent her a ticket to go to Philly where I met up with her at my sister's house and we went to NYC to see the lights and a play. She saw Mum's obit in the paper and told us "I just had to come and tell her kids that those were the sweetest 6 hrs I never expected to have". Would I have noticed that she wasn't there, of course not. But do I still tear up now, 9 years later, knowing that my mother had such an impact on this woman, sure do! Like spindizzy says, hearing stories you may never have heard, well they take a little bit of the pain away, and I appreciate everyone that has done that for me when I was mourning a loved one. For some reason, the funeral home is always a good place for those stories. Again, could be partly the Irish thing.

My father was obsessed with funerals and with knowing that some people's are so sparsely attended, believing that it somehow reflected on the person. He made us promise we would get the smallest room in the funeral home for him, so it wouldn't look so empty. My brother messed up, got the largest room. It was standing room only. Dad forgot how much he meant to people he had known (one guy came who gave Dad his first job, 50 yrs prior to his death) and also he forgot how many people would come because of his 6 kids, many never having met him.

My mother always told us of how her father went to so many funerals that she finally asked him "Pop, do you LIKE funerals that much?" He told her "No one likes to go, but it is the people that don't go that you remember, and I never want to be remembered that way". That sticks in my family, several generations later.

Now given that you don't really know the family, I would say that your lack of presence wouldn't really be noticed by them. But your presence will, and it will matter to the family, even if they don't know you, they know that their mother meant enough to you that you went someplace none of us like to go.

Condolences on the loss of your friend and glad you have decided to go.

[Adventure Girl]

This really turned into a beautiful thread.

TsPoet, I'm sorry for your loss. I think you gained a little from what has been posted here. I know I did!

Thank you, TE.

[wildhawk]

When my mother was dying from cancer it was her co-workers that ran support for my family - especially my Dad and when she died at age 53 - it was her co-workers that supported us through the funeral and afterwards - bringing dishes to the house, helping with the out of town family members, etc. Funerals are not easy to attend, but the family does notice who is there. I found great comfort in getting to know some of my Mom’s co-workers - she was also very well liked and respected. Lately, the funerals I have attended have been “celebrations” of the person’s life and not at all the traditional funeral service. I prefer to remember my friends and family the way I remembered them in life and choose to celebrate that memory and the impact they had on my life. Everyone mourns in his or her own way. If you choose not to attend the funeral, then it would certainly be appropriate to send some flowers and write the family a letter and let them know how much she meant to you. I have several letters from my Mom’s friends who could not attend her funeral and I keep them close to my heart after all these years. They told me some very funny stories about her and I cherish those memories. Hugs to you as you mourn your friend - she will live on in your heart and memories.

[Aggie_Ama]

My Pawpaw still lived where the mail carrier walked to each house and personally delivered the mail. He befriended the woman who carried his and bought Diet Coke and Tootsie rolls for her. She came to his funeral and told us that story then said she hadn't been to a funeral since her mother died 20 years earlier but for Mr. Norris (his first name) she couldn't not come. Five years later the thought and story still has me tearing up. I think that is what I get from this thread, the unexpected people who show up sometimes make the biggest impact on a grieving family.

TSPoet- I am glad you have chosen to honor your friend, I hope the funeral will bring you comfort. Remember the story that made you smile, share it with a friend or relative of hers. You never know you may be their bright spot like my Pawpaw's mail carrier.

[indysteel]

I generally go to the visitation rather than the funeral unless I personally knew the deceased and then I try to go to both. I also send a sympathy card. I've grown to appreciate just how much it means to people.

[sbctwin]

I am sorry TsPoet for the loss of your friend. I would go to the funeral to say goodbye and to be a presence because your were her friend. I don't often go to funerals because they are usually during work hours, but I go when someone has touched me in a very personal way. I recently went to a funeral of an 86 yr old man that I only knew because we would 'chat' after mass about my bike rides. He touched me in such a special way with only a few minutes each week. Funerals are sad, but can be joyous in that you get to say 'goodbye' in a special way.

[PamNY]

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

You started an interesting discussion and you've gotten good advice. I think attending the funeral or visitation (or both) is good. I also think condolence notes are often very meaningful and comforting to the bereaved, as is a small memorial donation.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that the note doesn't have to be brilliant, the flowers don't have to be perfect, the donation doesn't have to be huge, and if I can't make the funeral that's okay. The important thing is to do something to acknowledge the importance of the person who has gone.

Pam