Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[Flybye]

I think that if we think that being in love is that butterflies/heart racing/flushed feeling and that it will last forever, we are setting ourselves up for a let down. That's is infatuation, which is completely different from love. That infatuation feeling comes and goes. I have been married for 15 years with prior dating making our time with one another 20 years and I love my husband in a more rich, deep way than ever before. It is nice when that is complimented with a little heart racing now and then.

I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

Make a point of going with them to events that they like - games, fishing, etc. - that is what is important to them. You don't see men getting together to just hang out and visit - they like to DO things.

Date your squeeze - I can't stress that enough.

I could share more lessons, but these are what came to mind right now.

[Zen]

You don't see men getting together to just hang out and visit - they like to DO things.

I think that's a rather broad-brush stereotype.

[Tuckervill]

I think that's a rather broad-brush stereotype.

It pretty much is, but in my little sample of three sons, a grandson and two husbands, it bears out as true.

Three-way communication seems to work best with males. I get a lot said and heard when I'm doing something *with* them, and the conversation is not THE focus of the moment.

Reminds me of an article a friend of mine wrote: http://sandradodd.com/truck
It's about child-rearing, but not really.

Karen

[indigoiis]

Another thing I just thought of - my guy is not a dude's dude - he'd rather be alone than with other guys, and doesn't go out and do stuff like fishing or ball games with other guys.

What he DOES need is time alone. He needs space. He needs to go out to his workshop sometimes and not have me in his space.

That's hard for me cuz I love being around him all the time and rarely spend time by myself. When I do, I usually enjoy it, but I'd much rather be with him.

But sometimes it's good to not overplan for weekends, to not have these huge expectations of someone to be there for us 24/7. To let the guy (or gal) be. If that means letting go of an argument, or of not going to a party together, or whatever, it's worth it.

[shootingstar]

Another thing I just thought of - my guy is not a dude's dude - he'd rather be alone than with other guys, and doesn't go out and do stuff like fishing or ball games with other guys

Yea, indigois, my partner is not quite like that. Though he does cycle with other guys, it is with 1-2 other guys and not often...only a couple times per year. Or on a multi-day touring trip...which seems to happen once a year.

Or it's a more utiltarian ride related to his cycling advocacy work or his cycling facility planning biz. This is often.

Before he married and had kids, he did do more group stuff with guys, but last few decades he seems to be happy slinging it out on his own.

As for just meeting another guy just to talk...it seems to have a particular purpose/focus ...but not always. I have never sensed from him, a powerful need to do stuff /be action-oriented with his brother. or with adult son..it's straight long chats for several hrs. ..over phone, coffee or a meal. I'm glad...he doesn't see/hear from them that frequently.

So he doesn't aim to be the silent/ just action-oriented type of guy.

______________

Just an observation on long-distance relationships....I'm so glad that I was already with my partner 6 years before he had to relocate due to job and we had a long-distance relationship for over 2 yrs. before being together under 1 roof.

[Aggie_Ama]

I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

+1 In our house fighting all night does nothing but make us cranky in the morning. We have gone to bed angry, it happens but it doesn't doom our relationship. And sometimes in the morning we are still angry, sometimes we cannot remember why we were angry.

[ikkin]

...I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

more TE smartness! totally agree. contrary to conventional wisdom- which usually isn't all that wise- going to bed mad is so much more effective and efficient than trying to resolve "issues" while upset. sometimes the more compelling and urgent a conversation seems, the less we should give in to our "need" to have it RIGHT NOW!

we should collectively write a TE book on how to have a healthy, happy relationship.