Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[roadie gal]

I've never been married, but I've done serial monogamy a number of times. I come from a very disfunctional family. My parents were married until my mother died, but my father used to beat her and throw us out of the house at random intervals throughout my life. My reaction to any tension in a relationship was to either cheat or run away. I never learned to just work things out. Whenever I'd leave one relationship I'd bounce right away to another with someone who was just the opposite of what I'd left. I never took the time to figure out what was RIGHT for me. I just went to whatever was not what I'd just had.

April 1999 I wrote a story and posted it on the internet. (Xena fanfiction) About 100 people wrote to me about the story. I wrote to say at least "thank you" to all of them. I ended up keeping in touch with about 5 of them. One person kept writing back and we ended up being friends. She helped me get through the breakup with my latest relationship. Things were getting closer between us, but she wouldn't come and visit (she lived across the country) or take the next step until I had cleaned up my current mess. For months we talked and wrote and shared our feelings before we even met each other in person. Finally, in September '99 she flew out to visit. She moved in with me in Feb 2000.

It's been hard to move beyond my past. Sometimes I still feel like running away. But then I remind myself that she's not going anywhere. Her confidence in me and our ability to work things out makes it easier to stay and do just that. I love her so much for that.

This is the longest relationship I've ever had. It took me this long to realize that you don't have to be madly in love every day. Some days you don't even have to like each other. If you treat each other with respect and gentleness and support each other then things will work out. And those days that you are madly in love are wonderful.

[ikkin]

...It took me this long to realize that you don't have to be madly in love every day. Some days you don't even have to like each other. If you treat each other with respect and gentleness and support each other then things will work out. And those days that you are madly in love are wonderful.

...very wise words.

combine the above with not taking things personally and you've got a bombproof recipe for a long, happy relationship. good luck!

[roadie gal]

...very wise words.

combine the above with not taking things personally and you've got a bombproof recipe for a long, happy relationship. good luck!

OMG, YES! That one is huge.

[Flybye]

I think that if we think that being in love is that butterflies/heart racing/flushed feeling and that it will last forever, we are setting ourselves up for a let down. That's is infatuation, which is completely different from love. That infatuation feeling comes and goes. I have been married for 15 years with prior dating making our time with one another 20 years and I love my husband in a more rich, deep way than ever before. It is nice when that is complimented with a little heart racing now and then.

I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

Make a point of going with them to events that they like - games, fishing, etc. - that is what is important to them. You don't see men getting together to just hang out and visit - they like to DO things.

Date your squeeze - I can't stress that enough.

I could share more lessons, but these are what came to mind right now.

[Zen]

You don't see men getting together to just hang out and visit - they like to DO things.

I think that's a rather broad-brush stereotype.

[Tuckervill]

I think that's a rather broad-brush stereotype.

It pretty much is, but in my little sample of three sons, a grandson and two husbands, it bears out as true.

Three-way communication seems to work best with males. I get a lot said and heard when I'm doing something *with* them, and the conversation is not THE focus of the moment.

Reminds me of an article a friend of mine wrote: http://sandradodd.com/truck
It's about child-rearing, but not really.

Karen

[indigoiis]

Another thing I just thought of - my guy is not a dude's dude - he'd rather be alone than with other guys, and doesn't go out and do stuff like fishing or ball games with other guys.

What he DOES need is time alone. He needs space. He needs to go out to his workshop sometimes and not have me in his space.

That's hard for me cuz I love being around him all the time and rarely spend time by myself. When I do, I usually enjoy it, but I'd much rather be with him.

But sometimes it's good to not overplan for weekends, to not have these huge expectations of someone to be there for us 24/7. To let the guy (or gal) be. If that means letting go of an argument, or of not going to a party together, or whatever, it's worth it.

[Aggie_Ama]

I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

+1 In our house fighting all night does nothing but make us cranky in the morning. We have gone to bed angry, it happens but it doesn't doom our relationship. And sometimes in the morning we are still angry, sometimes we cannot remember why we were angry.

[ikkin]

...I think the second most ridiculous piece of advice is "never let the sun go down on your anger" - the worst fights that we have had have been late at night when we have nothing left to give the world on a day when all is going well. Sleep does amazing things for perspective on problems. What seemed so huge at 11:00 pm seems so minute at 8:00 am.

more TE smartness! totally agree. contrary to conventional wisdom- which usually isn't all that wise- going to bed mad is so much more effective and efficient than trying to resolve "issues" while upset. sometimes the more compelling and urgent a conversation seems, the less we should give in to our "need" to have it RIGHT NOW!

we should collectively write a TE book on how to have a healthy, happy relationship.