Christmas Drama

[Velobambina]

1++++ Pardes. Will you be my Zen Master?

I agree. Do what's healthy for you. I don't think Karma will "pay" you for following your heart.

[short cut sally]

Smurf only you can decide what is right for you and only you..Yes, family may influence you to what they think is best for you, but only you can make that decision. Do what is best for you and make sure the result is something you can live with.
As far as gift exchanging...heres what my family does. On Christmas Eve every one of us gets together at my oldest brothers house, and we have a simple meal, and everyone brings a dish to pass. There are no gifts exchanged, after all, we are adults and we all have this need to buy whatever we want all year long. For us, it is much more enjoyable to just gather around the tv or the table and snack and eat all night long. We socialize with whom we want to and ignore those we want to. Heck, my brother has all he can do to pull the little ceramic tree out of the attic for the ambiance.
Hope things work out well for you...

[Chicken Little]

Smurf- sounds like you have the sympathy of the whole board. Did you ever see the Christmas movie with Robert Downy Jr. He goes home for Christmas and Ann Bancroft, the mother, has a secret hideaway where, once she put the Turkey in, she goes in there and smokes pot to get away from the entire family? I always kinda sympathized. Do what you gotta do. Counseling can really be helpful this time of year. I always thought therapist's kids get great Christmas gifts...

[Aggie_Ama]

You know Christmas was always my favorite until I got married and my BIL got married and then there were nieces. It became a chore to do Christmas and I got sick every year from too much stress. The past years I have set a minimal budget and had fun trying to find something in it. This year I am buying everyone an even smaller gift (like less than $20) and making boxes of homemade fudge, truffles and my Christmas Cookies they all go ga-ga over. Some will flip, some won't. But it is cheap and I get to bake which I love. Happy me= happy holidays.

Do what is right for you, mail a small gift, say you can't go. They will be pissed, then they will flush their pity pots and get over it. If they don't you can't force adults to grow up and you cannot change your feelings.

[Tuckervill]

It seems so wrong to say "Don't get me anything because I'm opting out this year," because if I buy a BMX bike karma predicts that I will wreck bad and have some 'splainin to do!

Bad logic. This assumes there is some kind of connection between opting out and buying a new bike. You can opt out for any reason at all, including that you just don't feel like it. It has nothing to do with the bike. (Of course, if people you love are involved, you can and probably should temper that message so as not to hurt their feelings.)

I was a young woman like you once. I had two small children, and I was divorced. I would have never thought about not attending a holiday celebration, especially for my kids. But there was this one year...the dates lined up so the kids would be at their father's house for the holiday. I was desperately poor. I couldn't face my two brothers, either. I opted out. I spent the whole weekend sleeping and journaling (and budgeting!). It felt like a rite of passage for me, the beginning of a new independent attitude.

By feeling guilty about not going, you are dragging all the baggage of childhood along with you. Your mom could do you a favor by releasing you from the guilt and blessing you just the way you are, but since that takes her own enlightenment which you are not responsible for, you'll have to do it yourself.

If you take a hard look at your life in context of the whole wide world, you're doing okay, right? Don't compare your life to your brothers'. You're not them, and they're not you. It will be easier next year, if you can stop looking at yourself through your family's eyes.

You're a smart woman and wonderful writer, and you're living it up in your own way. Be true to you.

Karen

[Blue_Wildflower]

Padres, well said.

I have not celebrated X-mas in eight years. X-mas 2000 was a very negative experience which led to an experience that changed my life which then led to me deciding to leave the city where I was raised for a new life. I remember when my mom asked if I was coming home X-mas 2001. I told her "No". She then did the "mom" thing, it was the first time I stood up to her and did what I wanted to do. Going forward, I never went home for X-mas, however, I did make it there for Thanksgiving (until this year).

My relationship with my family is best when I am 400 miles away. I went home last year for turkey day. The day before I was suppose to leave, my dad asked if "I was okay with being alone". Um, I am not alone and yes, I am happy. Very happy. My family does not understand my hobbies and the life I live. They are a very negtive bunch. Lots of complaining, lots of drama and no solutions to improve their situation. I love them, but they drain every ounce of energy from me. So, while I do call often, I do not go home.

This year my mother asked "what I was doing for Thanksgiving". I told her I am riding my bike out West. She said "I could ride my bike up here". Um, no, I cannot. This year, I will ride my bike to Leesburg, spend two nights in a lovely B&B, have peace and give Thanks. This year, for the first time in seven years I will celebrate X-mas. I will have a tree, put up lights, cook what will become "my" traditional meal, spend it with someone dear to me . . . Oh, and ride my bike.

[Tuckervill]

I'm putting this in a separate post, because I have a perspective as a mother of adult children with their own lives, too. I strongly empathize with the desire to have all the chicks back in the nest on occasion.

My oldest son is married and has a child and one on the way. Both he and his wife are from divorced/remarried homes and both have whole and half-siblings whom they love. They both have large extended families with lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents.

All told, there are about NINE holiday celebrations in late December that they are expected to attend. Of course, they live 150 miles from the central area where most of the gatherings are, and 150 miles in another direction from me, as well. They are under incredible pressure from the families, their own baggage, their own idea of how they want their little family to live.

Well, I opted out for them. I tried to look at it through their babies' eyes. I remember how much it sucked for my sons to never be at home on Christmas morning, and to shuffle from place to place. I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. As a result, they come and hang out with us on the occasional weekend. Their other parents never get that.

That wasn't my goal, of course. My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them. I actually had a frank discussion about it with them. I got a big hug from my son. I've made a lot of mistakes with them, but this was something I did right.

Maybe you could figure out a way to ask your mom for that gift, too, instead of a plane ticket.

Karen

[Veronica]

It's a well known fact in my family that I am my mother's favorite. She totally denies it, but the six of us know. Lucky me, I'm the one who gets to convince her to do things... like letting us clean out her house, replacing her wood stove with an oil heater, going to an old folks' aquacise class.

I really am lucky that I don't think any of my siblings resent me for it. I'm the baby, she had more time for me than she did for the other kids so our relationship is different.

Smurf, my Christmas wish for you is that someday you and your brothers will have a fantastic, healthy relationship. My siblings are all thousands of miles away, but when we need each other, we're there. We all like each other and like getting together. I feel very fortunate to have such a great siblings.

I sincerely hope that happens for you.

Veronica

[KathiCville]

Everyone has a lot of good advice to offer, smurf, so I'm not sure that I can really add much. But I'll try! I stopped having Christmas with my family about 30 years ago (I'm 50). My parents had died while I was in my teens, my brothers were uninterested in family gatherings. For a while, in college and for a few years beyond, I eagerly accepted invitations from friends to join their families, only to discover that doing so generally put me smack in the middle of THEIR family angst, LOL!

By the time I was in my late twenties, I resolved to enjoy Christmas MY way. It hasn't always been easy--some years I've felt a little out of the loop of humanity--but with each passing year I enjoy doing my 'own thing' more and more.

Some years I've taken my dog to a rented cabin in the mountains and done a nice long hike on Christmas Day. Other times (pre-dog), I indulged in a stay at a nice B&B somewhere. Other times I've stayed home, made myself a nice meal, watched classic Christmas movies, belted out the Hallelujah Chorus at top volume, curled up with a good book, and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. (After I'm finished singing, that is!) A couple of times in recent years I *have* joined a dearly-loved cousin and his family at their house in New Jersey----great fun, nice folks, loving atmosphere, but a little more focused on pricey gifts than fits my low-key concept of Christmas.

This year my boyfriend and I will probably just stay put, maybe do a nice long bike ride together that day, certainly take my dog for a walk at her favorite park, hop on the local free trolley to see the town's most over-the-top Christmas decorations, cook a meal we don't normally take the time to make, and take a casserole to our favorite elderly friends.

At any rate, here are my thoughts about your situation, smurf:

First, don't go home, if you don't want to. You'll just be tense and miserable the whole time. Give yourself permission to keep the focus on making the holiday positive. If that means politely steering clear of your family, at least for the moment, so be it. (My two cents') And keep in mind for the future that what appears to be 'perfect' in your brother's life might not be as perfect as you think. You might be crediting him with more happiness and contentment than he actually has. Five years from now you might find out that a lot of what you thought was real was not.

So, thank your mom for her generous gesture, but tell her (if it's true---and it sounds like it is) that your new job is important and you truly aren't in a position timewise to travel this year. That takes the focus off of the family aspect of your reluctance. (I agree with others who suggest visiting at another time of year, when the emotional pressure is less.....)

Then, contribute to their celebration by sending a single nice gift for the WHOLE gang, timed for arrival three or four days before they're gathering. (Again, my two cents') That way, you'll still be 'part' of the festivities, just from a distance.........I think the idea of giving money in their name to charity is great. Or, contribute to the day's festivities by sending them a selection of nice edibles. Or send them gift passes to their local theater, with your best wishes for them to take in a holiday movie together, as your guest.........Or how about signing them all up together for something like an adopt-a-species program (see National Zoo website for ideas) or some environmentally-friendly gesture (one of the plant-a-tree or other programs.) Or how 'bout formally volunteering a day or two in their name (both for yourself and as a gesture to your family) for some meaningful cause that they admire or would feel good about? Doing so might just inspire them to think about their own gift-giving in a different light. And even if it doesn't, your gesture is still very much in the right spirit---giving, even it's 'just' your time and elbow grease to a good cause.

If you do stay home, make sure you make the holiday nice for yourself, in whatever positive ways appeal to you. I think you said you used to love Christmas? If so, be sure to do at least one really traditional Christmas-y thing, even if it's just going out to see Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, watching your favorite sappy Christmas movie, taking in a holiday concert, or baking your favorite holiday cake/pie/cookie. (I wouldn't dream of missing "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life"...and, yes, I STILL cry when the whole town shows up on the Baileys' doorstep!)

If doing a bit of volunteer work sounds good, places like the local soup kitchen, animal shelters and nursing homes can always use a hand around the holidays. My dog and I always put a big bag of dog food and a few new toys under the Christmas tree at the local SPCA---a tradition I absolutely cherish. (Sam probably wishes I'd keep a couple of the toys for HER stocking, LOL!) This year, if I know I'll be staying home, I'll volunteer to dog-walk on Christmas Day at the same shelter----they're always desperate for people to fill in for the regulars who leave town for the holidays.

Well, this was longer than I'd planned, smurf, but I hope something that I've said helps to relieve your angst in even a small way or gives you a fresh idea! Keep us posted on what you do!! You're far from alone in wrestling with how to handle the holidays!

[GraysonKelly]

So my mom called the other day. She wants to fly me home for Christmas. Please excuse my utter lack of enthusiasm.

I don't want to go home. To make matters worse we're apparently having Christmas at my little brother's place with his perfect little family and his wonderful job and blah blah blah. My mom puts my brothers on a pedestal and makes me feel like crap. I've told her I can't really get the time off being so new in my job but that's not working. I can't tell if she feels guilty or is sincere. So yeah I feel like butt right now. I'd rather just buy myself a trainer, or a BMX bike and call it good. My family doesn't get my hobbies and I'd rather just opt out and treat myself to something. And, mom has a new girlfriend I don't even know and meeting her at Christmas has zero appeal.

Meh, I used to love Christmas but every year it sucks more and more. My older brother owns his house and has a great girlfriend and a great job, little brother is married with a kid and is a sheriff's deputy, and there's me who got engaged to a guy they all hated and got cheated on. Go me!

Second problem, since I probably can't get out of gifts. My brothers are both involved as I mentioned and I end up buying gifts for my brother and their SO and I get an "us" gift. Sucks for me because it ain't cheap buying them all gifts. What is the proper etiquette here? Can I do the same? Nice household gift for my married brother, maybe a restaurant gift certificate for my older bro and his girlfriend?

Baaaah friggin humbug! I just want someone who loves me this much, in zebra please: http://www.intensebmx.com/racebikes/IBK9RPX-1.html

Love and Cookies!
-HillBill
The Grinch Who Hates Christmas

Hi Smurf,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I mostly agree with what everyone else has said. You're feeling are not wrong. I'm not a professional by any means but when I was going through something similar I had to find my own happiness and my own peace with myself and my family. While we have certainly gone through a lot, we haven't worked through anything as a family. My parents are where they are and I'm where I am. I honestly think I'm a little happier than they are. I agree that you should form your own traditions and make it something that you can look forward to again.

I love Christmas. I load up the CD player with music. I sing, I dance, I love it. I put up a tree. I decorate. I go to Church. I get myself a treat. I love my family but I can't be with them too much. And I refuse to let them make me feel guilty or bad about what they have that I don't. I may not be wholly satisfied with my life right now, but I'm happy.

I'm sure you're mother does what to see you. But maybe you could ask her to save that money for a ticket until after the holidays then go see her one on one. Then maybe you two could spend some time doing stuff. You could take her somewhere that shows her a part of you. My mom didn't get me until she saw me in that element and realized how happy I was. Maybe the same can happen for you.

Above all, love yourself and try to find the magic again. The magic of loving yourself, letting go of the past and hurt, and the magic of Christmas. It sounds corny, I know.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas.
Hugs and Love,
Gray

[Biciclista]

What good stuff here!

Send them baskets of food, or go to Harry and David's farm (on line) and send them wonderful fruit boxes. and stay home and save up for your zebra.

Christmas really is a hard time for a lot of us. We do understand.

And Shooting star, yes, I had son #2 hoping that he and son #1 would be good friends. They are so different from each other, but right now they are good friends and I hope it stays that way; unlike what happened to my sister and myself... and my poor mother is in the middle.

[sfa]

You've gotten some great advice in this thread. Bottom line seems to be that you really don't want to go to your mother's for Christmas but you don't bear any ill feelings towards your family and you want them to know that you don't dislike them--you just don't want to spend Christmas with them right now. But you're worried that if you don't spend Christmas with them, they'll assume that this means that you don't much like their company, and that makes you feel guilty.

I think KathiCville has a lot of great suggestions for how to graciously bow out of the visit while still showing that you are thinking of them and are part of their celebration. Don't forget to call them when you suspect the merriment will be at a peak. When my sister doesn't make it home for a holiday, we look forward to that conversation--we pass around the phone so we can all talk to her and it feels more like she's there.

I also think that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Seems to me that YOU are the one judging yourself and finding yourself lacking in comparison to your brothers. Now, obviously, I don't know your family but I know my large and complicated family and I know that it would make me sick if I thought that my unmarried sister thought she was somehow less loved or admired or worthy than my other sister with the perfect kids and husband and house. And we all had to knock some sense into my brother when he stopped attending family events when his marriage was falling apart because he felt like such a loser in comparison to the two of us who were married. How do you know your mother doesn't brag to her friends and your brothers about her adventurous daughter with the independent spirit?

Stay home, plan something fun for yourself, send a nice group gift to your family, call them on Christmas day, plan a visit at a less hectic time, and learn how to value yourself and your strengths and realize that jobs and kids and marriages and houses don't much matter in the grand scheme of things.

Sarah

[Norse]

Just a quick thought on the gift giving - years ago I proposed, and my two siblings gladly agreed, that we would rotate buying for each other. One year we buy for 1 sib and their SO, and the next yr we reverse. It has worked very well and everyone likes not having to buy so much crap.

[pardes]

snip....I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. snip.....My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them.Karen

Lovely, Karen. Just lovely! Every once in a while I come across what I think of as "natural" parents and it warms my heart.

[Zen]

The forced gift giving of Christmas repulses me.
Stick with the job explanation. It's true.
Call them on Christmas day.
Go work at the soup kitchen if you want.
Do what you want. I have regrets to this day of mother guilt trip keeping me from doing what I really wanted to do.