Christmas Drama

[Tuckervill]

I'm putting this in a separate post, because I have a perspective as a mother of adult children with their own lives, too. I strongly empathize with the desire to have all the chicks back in the nest on occasion.

My oldest son is married and has a child and one on the way. Both he and his wife are from divorced/remarried homes and both have whole and half-siblings whom they love. They both have large extended families with lots of aunts, uncles, grandparents and great-grandparents.

All told, there are about NINE holiday celebrations in late December that they are expected to attend. Of course, they live 150 miles from the central area where most of the gatherings are, and 150 miles in another direction from me, as well. They are under incredible pressure from the families, their own baggage, their own idea of how they want their little family to live.

Well, I opted out for them. I tried to look at it through their babies' eyes. I remember how much it sucked for my sons to never be at home on Christmas morning, and to shuffle from place to place. I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. As a result, they come and hang out with us on the occasional weekend. Their other parents never get that.

That wasn't my goal, of course. My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them. I actually had a frank discussion about it with them. I got a big hug from my son. I've made a lot of mistakes with them, but this was something I did right.

Maybe you could figure out a way to ask your mom for that gift, too, instead of a plane ticket.

Karen

[KathiCville]

Everyone has a lot of good advice to offer, smurf, so I'm not sure that I can really add much. But I'll try! I stopped having Christmas with my family about 30 years ago (I'm 50). My parents had died while I was in my teens, my brothers were uninterested in family gatherings. For a while, in college and for a few years beyond, I eagerly accepted invitations from friends to join their families, only to discover that doing so generally put me smack in the middle of THEIR family angst, LOL!

By the time I was in my late twenties, I resolved to enjoy Christmas MY way. It hasn't always been easy--some years I've felt a little out of the loop of humanity--but with each passing year I enjoy doing my 'own thing' more and more.

Some years I've taken my dog to a rented cabin in the mountains and done a nice long hike on Christmas Day. Other times (pre-dog), I indulged in a stay at a nice B&B somewhere. Other times I've stayed home, made myself a nice meal, watched classic Christmas movies, belted out the Hallelujah Chorus at top volume, curled up with a good book, and just enjoyed the peace and quiet. (After I'm finished singing, that is!) A couple of times in recent years I *have* joined a dearly-loved cousin and his family at their house in New Jersey----great fun, nice folks, loving atmosphere, but a little more focused on pricey gifts than fits my low-key concept of Christmas.

This year my boyfriend and I will probably just stay put, maybe do a nice long bike ride together that day, certainly take my dog for a walk at her favorite park, hop on the local free trolley to see the town's most over-the-top Christmas decorations, cook a meal we don't normally take the time to make, and take a casserole to our favorite elderly friends.

At any rate, here are my thoughts about your situation, smurf:

First, don't go home, if you don't want to. You'll just be tense and miserable the whole time. Give yourself permission to keep the focus on making the holiday positive. If that means politely steering clear of your family, at least for the moment, so be it. (My two cents') And keep in mind for the future that what appears to be 'perfect' in your brother's life might not be as perfect as you think. You might be crediting him with more happiness and contentment than he actually has. Five years from now you might find out that a lot of what you thought was real was not.

So, thank your mom for her generous gesture, but tell her (if it's true---and it sounds like it is) that your new job is important and you truly aren't in a position timewise to travel this year. That takes the focus off of the family aspect of your reluctance. (I agree with others who suggest visiting at another time of year, when the emotional pressure is less.....)

Then, contribute to their celebration by sending a single nice gift for the WHOLE gang, timed for arrival three or four days before they're gathering. (Again, my two cents') That way, you'll still be 'part' of the festivities, just from a distance.........I think the idea of giving money in their name to charity is great. Or, contribute to the day's festivities by sending them a selection of nice edibles. Or send them gift passes to their local theater, with your best wishes for them to take in a holiday movie together, as your guest.........Or how about signing them all up together for something like an adopt-a-species program (see National Zoo website for ideas) or some environmentally-friendly gesture (one of the plant-a-tree or other programs.) Or how 'bout formally volunteering a day or two in their name (both for yourself and as a gesture to your family) for some meaningful cause that they admire or would feel good about? Doing so might just inspire them to think about their own gift-giving in a different light. And even if it doesn't, your gesture is still very much in the right spirit---giving, even it's 'just' your time and elbow grease to a good cause.

If you do stay home, make sure you make the holiday nice for yourself, in whatever positive ways appeal to you. I think you said you used to love Christmas? If so, be sure to do at least one really traditional Christmas-y thing, even if it's just going out to see Christmas decorations on Christmas Eve, watching your favorite sappy Christmas movie, taking in a holiday concert, or baking your favorite holiday cake/pie/cookie. (I wouldn't dream of missing "White Christmas" and "It's a Wonderful Life"...and, yes, I STILL cry when the whole town shows up on the Baileys' doorstep!)

If doing a bit of volunteer work sounds good, places like the local soup kitchen, animal shelters and nursing homes can always use a hand around the holidays. My dog and I always put a big bag of dog food and a few new toys under the Christmas tree at the local SPCA---a tradition I absolutely cherish. (Sam probably wishes I'd keep a couple of the toys for HER stocking, LOL!) This year, if I know I'll be staying home, I'll volunteer to dog-walk on Christmas Day at the same shelter----they're always desperate for people to fill in for the regulars who leave town for the holidays.

Well, this was longer than I'd planned, smurf, but I hope something that I've said helps to relieve your angst in even a small way or gives you a fresh idea! Keep us posted on what you do!! You're far from alone in wrestling with how to handle the holidays!

[pardes]

snip....I released them from coming to my house for any reason ever except for if they really really wanted to, and that they could come any time. snip.....My goal was to give them a gift, which is my blessing to form a life for their family in their own way, and to not add any holiday pressure to them.Karen

Lovely, Karen. Just lovely! Every once in a while I come across what I think of as "natural" parents and it warms my heart.

[Zen]

The forced gift giving of Christmas repulses me.
Stick with the job explanation. It's true.
Call them on Christmas day.
Go work at the soup kitchen if you want.
Do what you want. I have regrets to this day of mother guilt trip keeping me from doing what I really wanted to do.

[Flur]

My mother wanted me to come home for Christmas too. She really turned on the guilt machine, which really turned me off. I gave her the laundry list of reasons that I could not come, but that didn't dissuade her for turning up the guilt. Ultimately it just made me angry and I hung up and didn't call her back.

I love my family, but I hate travelling at Christmas and I have valid reasons, like you do, for not going. I don't have a job so we don't have the money. DH has a project going live right around Christmas and can't take a lot of time. Because it's a holiday we have no one available to take our dog, who is not dog-social and can't be left at a kennel. And on and on. But beyond all the valid reasons I just really don't want to, and I've gotten over the guilt by thinking about all the times I did go and was miserable.

Don't feel bad for not going, and you're not alone.

[Mr. Bloom]

I nominate Pardes for President! - Wow!

Smurf, I relate precisely to your issue...and I'm an only child!

[Crankin]

Wow, this makes me glad I don't celebrate Christmas. On the other hand, this advice/situation applies to all obligatory family gatherings.
My dad and brother live in California, so I rarely see them on holidays. I used to get together with my family here for Thanksgiving and Jewish holidays. However, since one of my cousins became very religious and the other is a gun toting ultra conservative, I just couldn't take it. They don't want anything to do with me, anyway! My aunt thinks we are going to get together and all be a big happy group, but it isn't going to happen. She has very strong ideas of how her children, and by extension, me, should act, and i am not that!
We spend all of our holidays with friends, except now, one of those friends seems like a burdensome relative. That's when we sneak off with our cycling friends and go away for some sport type of vacation. Or, we say we are going to a party somewhere else...
The best Thanksgiving I had was last year when I had the dinner. Both of my kids were there, my older son's girlfriend, my former exchange student and his girlfriend, and our cycling friends. These are the people I really care about and it was perfect.
Tuckerville, you made a very wise decision with your son. I see how this is an issue with my son and his girlfriend. After our Thanksgiving dinner last year, they went to her parents, who had forgotten to put the turkey in, and ended up eating again at 10:00 PM. According to her, they are dysfunctional and needy, but she still feels like she should go see them. Yet, about every 4-6 weeks they come here and spend the weekend. I know it's like a vacation in the country for them, but it's fun.
As a counselor in training, I second the counseling proposal. It's hard to break those old patterns without some help.

[GraysonKelly]

I nominate Pardes for President! - Wow!

Smurf, I relate precisely to your issue...and I'm an only child!

I second that nomination!

[Tuckervill]

Lovely, Karen. Just lovely! Every once in a while I come across what I think of as "natural" parents and it warms my heart.

Thanks, Hon. It was a long, bumpy road.

Karen

[Running Mommy]

Baaaah friggin humbug! I just want someone who loves me this much, in zebra please: http://www.intensebmx.com/racebikes/IBK9RPX-1.html

HA! Smurf I have one on the sales floor right now just a waitin for ya!!
It's an 08 and I'll be putting it on sale soon....
Wanna come down for a visit???

I'll have to post a pic of running son's bike. He's got a zebra expert xl (09 version) with a chris king heatset. He even has the matching THE zebra helmet.