My Heart is Breaking

[GraysonKelly]

Hi,
I'm sorry if this becomes really long but I just can't keep this inside and maybe some of you here will be able to send some positive thoughts and maybe some suggestions.

My 18 month old niece who means everything in the world to me and my family is probably going to end up being forced spend time with the biological a$$ that unfortunately contributed in making her. This man is abusive, cold, and abandoned her for the first year and half of her life. And you know what all the lawyers I've talked to have said? They've said that basically there isn't a damn thing my sister can do to stop this from happening. That he will actually have to hurt, abuse, and neglect my niece in such a way that is "admissible evidence" before they will keep him away from her. He even threatened to kidnap her at one point. He's a bum. Has no job. No money and paid for the lawyer with a credit card.

Why is it that we can't protect kids? Why is it that the "system" will allow a child to be put into a dangerous situation because of biology? Why? I just do not understand. He walked away from my sis when she was 6 mos pregnant and she simply picked up her life and did what was right for her daughter.

How many chances do parents really get to protect their children? How many times does a child get hurt or sick or abused or abandoned or a million other things and parent's wish that they could have stopped or prevented it but couldn't? Why does my niece have to suffer at the hands of that idiot before the courts will see? It doesn't make any sense to me. None at all.

Is there proof that he was abusive? No, because he left her and she left to take care of her baby so it wasn't reported. Is there documented proof of his abandonment? Yes. Is there proof of his threats? Yes. But according to the lawyers since it's "just" my sister he threatened that's not enough to keep him away from her and sever his rights.

Why!?! Why can't we protect kids before they are hurt? Why do they have to be hurt before we can do anything???
Gray

[wnyrider]

Due to the age of your niece and the lack of previous contacts by the biological parent, supervised visitation should be requested and is usually granted until a routine has been established. As you have discovered, you can not prevent the visits from taking place, but you can cooperate in a way that can attempt to protect your niece. There are many agencies that can advocate for her and/or provide a place for visitation to take place where the interaction can be observed and documented. Also, more importantly, your niece is not too young to learn about proper touching, how to communicate if something were to occur and have someplace to allow this communication to take place that is positively proactive. Now is the time to invest in finding the resources for her.

[GraysonKelly]

Hi,
I asked about supervised visitation and the lawyer I spoke to snarkily replied, "Did your sister have to be supervised before she was left alone to parent the child?" I didn't appreciate that.

I do appreciate your advice. What kind of agencies could advocate for her? What do you mean advocate?

My niece does not talk at all. She communicates through sign (she's not deaf or have any other disabilities, she just doesn't want to talk...that's what the expert said anyway) She does very well with her signing, but she uses sign approximation...what kinds of things should we be teaching her to protect herself? She knows how to sign "help" and uses it appropriately. Is there anything else?

Gray

[Biciclista]

If he's not the nurturing type, he's going to get tired really fast of dealing with this child. Likely the child will be plopped into the arms of a mom or a girlfriend.
You will be able to tell quickly if the child is unhappy with daddy.

Sadly, too many people use children as their way of fighting their ex.
Hopefully this guy will get tired of it quickly.

Your sister needs a better lawyer. sadly, that's how things get done in this country. spend as much $$ for a lawyer as you can, it's worth it.

[pardes]

Just start making calls to all state agencies. Believe me, someone who is calm and continues to call WILL get heard. Remain calm and firm and expect and demand an investigation. Start with Child Protective Services, even if you've called them before. They cannot and will not ignore multiple calls...they are required to document such calls. Call at different times of the day and speak to different people. Call her school. Write calm letters requesting help.

As hard as it may be, stay calm yet assertive and make it clear that you will not rest until she is safe and gets the help she needs.

Not even the most hardened official can deny someone trying to protect a child who will not give up.

[GraysonKelly]

Just start making calls to all state agencies. Believe me, someone who is calm and continues to call WILL get heard. Remain calm and firm and expect and demand an investigation. Start with Child Protective Services, even if you've called them before. They cannot and will not ignore multiple calls...they are required to document such calls. Call at different times of the day and speak to different people. Call her school. Write calm letters requesting help.

As hard as it may be, stay calm yet assertive and make it clear that you will not rest until she is safe and gets the help she needs.

Not even the most hardened official can deny someone trying to protect a child who will not give up.

Which state? Sister and niece live in one state and he lives in another. Which state agencies do i contact? Can I conact them or does my sister have to do it? I am so willing to do this.

[pardes]

Start with the state where your sister and niece live. It won't do much good to contact his state at this point.

All states have a main number (information line) for state agencies. I work for the State of Delaware and we have a "no wrong door" policy that if anyone calls the wrong number all operators have to get them to the right people and not blow them off. Ask for the "Child Protective Services" unit. Ask to speak to a supervisor there and explain your dilemma.

State workers are all overloaded with too much work but all of the child units are like us and will go out of their way to help a child.

Be sure and call her school or better yet have the mother call the school to arrange special counseling for her. All states are required to furnish the services any child needs and the little girl obviously has some severe mental trauma that is keeping her from speaking.

Also, call your political representatives, councilman, mayor, governor's office and ask for what agencies they can recommend for help. Carbon copy all of the people you contact to each other. When they see that you are very serious about hanging in for the long haul, they will take you seriously. It's their JOB to serve citizens and protect those who can't defend themselves.

Your sister may need you to be the proactive one. She is probably as damaged by her daughter's damage as anyone and may just feel too paralyzed to be proactive at this time. Let her know you are there to help, not judge, not convict, just get the help that is needed.

And talk to your niece. Don't make promises that you can't deliver on but tell her that you are doing everything you can to make her feel safe. That alone could be more helpful than anything. Even a child knows that sometimes there are no miracles but as long as someone understands her pain and will always be there for her, it makes life not so frightening for her.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Trek420]

The child won't talk, not that she can't talk, but wont. Some things there just aren't words for.

Even at 18 months besides all that's been suggested I'd get the kid in art therapy at some point. Maybe in the future when she's in a safer more supportive place.

www.arttherapy.org

These folks can use art to heal what words might not be able to express This may give the child some relief from the stress of what's going on and clear the way to communication.

Your city. county, state may have child advocates. Some do.

Find one, now.

These people, often volunteers go to bat for kids, stay with them through court and other dates and make sure well ... that someone advocates for the kids best interest. Familiar with "the system", they know how to navigate. They can help.

Be calm but insistent. Sure you don't need to yell or scream but if you run into a brick wall and you will in any of this you have a choice: go around them, over them (escalate to a higher level manager) or steamroll right through them.

As the undisputed queen of escalation I am the queen of "get me your manager".

You don't have the option to run away thanks for not taking it.

Good luck, keep us posted.

[Biciclista]

As the undisputed queen of escalation I am the queen of "get me your manager".

.

are you really?? (sorry for the hijack!!)

[shootingstar]

I'm not clear which state your sister lives in...but this national site which is a non-profit organization representing state funded legal aid organizations, might list the state of residency for sis...

This is only an alternative option..while/if she pursues child protective services in her state.

The sooner she initiate assistance from government and legal authorities, the better. She needs to be persistent in her search for help.

[Trek420]

Pretty much.

But I try to use that power only for good and not evil. Start out nice, that gives you somewhere to go to. and I rarely get upset. Please ignore the hysterical laughter you hear in the background

If you come on the line screaming and yelling things can only go downhill

And now back to your regularly scheduled Child Protective Services. And this is not to make light of the situation at all. I just find often I can get more done that way. Talk to one person, what do they suggest, what can they do .... keep going, explore every lead.

[GraysonKelly]

Pretty much.

But I try to use that power only for good and not evil. Start out nice, that gives you somewhere to go to. and I rarely get upset. Please ignore the hysterical laughter you hear in the background

If you come on the line screaming and yelling things can only go downhill

And now back to your regularly scheduled Child Protective Services. And this is not to make light of the situation at all. I just find often I can get more done that way. Talk to one person, what do they suggest, what can they do .... keep going, explore every lead.

Trek420, it's ok to make light and laugh, Heaven knows I need some cheer right now.

I just got off the phone with my sis and she told me that my niece is getting help from a speech therapist for the talking thing. She also told me that she has found someone who is going to be advocating for my niece throughout this process. The advocate is a psychologist/social worker that has been involved with helping my sis in this situation since before the baby was born.

She has a meeting with an attorney on Thursday. According to my niece's advocate is very, very well versed in this type of law and situation. Hopefully that's a good thing. I'm still willing and able to get in people's faces (nicely, with gradually increased conviction and passion per Trek420's advice) I don't want to see my niece hurt. I am willing to do anything to help my sister protect her. I'm headed to the library tomorrow to look some stuff up...maybe I can find something to help.
Thank you all so much for your encouragement. Padres, can I send you a PM?
Gray

[pardes]

Of course you can!