how do you forgive yourself for being a jerk to your SO...

[spindizzy]

ah yes..the evil word that causes challenges at our house. "Criticism."

I was raised by an army dad and a stay-at-home mom. (they split up when I was 13- mom came back when I was 15, and left again for good when I was 16...) Always had to do things the army "right" way or do it again. Though I do agree with that, it was the ongoing criticism that permeated everything that I did. My younger siblings had it worse, and still do. When you live with criticism, it is hard to shake those patterns of behaviour. So it has made me fearful of saying anything; I'm always analyzing.."Am I being too critical or is this valid?" (which isn't right either)

My DH was also raised by an army dad and a stay-at-home mom. He never argued with his father, because his dad was "always right." So he thought "Why bother."

So he sees any minor corrections I suggest as "major criticism" and then doesn't want to deal with it. (I guess he sees me as his dad) Oy ve!! (sp?)

So I guess what it boils down to is recognizing and changing the patterns of destructive communication - finding the neutral ground that you both can live with. That's how you forgive youself..and you've recognized your part in this. It is a lot of hard work - I hope that you both can do it.

[indigoiis]

I have to agree that sometimes relationships are just not meant to be. If you were correcting his grammar and critical of his direction following skills - it doesn't make you a b*t*h, it makes you on a different level than him. Sometimes those relationships work, sometimes they don't.

Maybe it would be best if you spent some time alone evaluating what you want, and then be open to the possibility of it coming to you. Don't ponder too much on old hurts - chalk them up as lessons learned. You might send him a card or a letter expressing how you feel - keeping the tone as positive as possible.

[Duck on Wheels]

You forgive yourself because even good people, smart people, well-intended people sometimes make mistakes. Nobody's above that. In a good relationship, we allow one another to make mistakes, and to point out our own. (((But of course it helps if they're also pointing out our good sides as well.)))

[Jewell]

Don't blame yourself. He wasn't putting in the effort to share his feelings. He shouldn't expect you to be able to read his mind. Honesty is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

I'm in couples counseling right now with my lovely boyfriend and I've learned that there are various methods of attack that are used by lovers who have the best intentions. It sounds like your boyfriend was utilizing the passive aggressive method of attack. He was insensitive to you by not being honest with you.

I have been involved with guys who are the "nicest" individuals. When the relationship crashed I always blamed myself because they were "so nice". These men would rather stay quiet than speak their mind when you try to start a commentary. I than think these men were stoic, patient, forgiving, when what their really doing is being dishonest and passive aggressive. Using niceness as a weapon...

If he does end up coming back you must go to counseling. Other wise these things will never be reconciled.

[bmccasland]

ah yes..the evil word that causes challenges at our house. "Criticism."

....an army dad and a stay-at-home mom. He never argued with his father, because his dad was "always right." So he thought "Why bother."

Actually Spindizzy - all of your quote is vary familiar. I was raised in a military house with a stay-at-home Mom who would not stand up to Dad. Learning that failure was an acceptable option was a very difficult lesson for my brain to process, as most of my life failure meant failure to try hard enough. Sometimes, it doesn't / won't work is an acceptable outcome.

[spindizzy]

Bmccassland -

I couldn't agree with you more.

Chicago- how are you?