Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[newfsmith]

Start with the upshot: next March Dan & I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We love and treasure each other, both of us having had the experience of waiting for the other to come out of major surgery, and realizing that the most important person in our world was in that bed with all those tubes. We have gone through our personal rough spots and rough patches in our marriage, but we have never considered that we wanted to separate. It is hard to say why our bond has stayed firm, all logic says we should not have gotten married at all. We did just about everything "wrong" according to the marriage counselers.

Dan's father was a best-selling author, mine was a hog-farmer. Dan's mother was also an author and an artist, mine was a farmer's wife and Avon representative. Commonality: our parents were self-employed.

Dan grew up in Scarsdale, NY; I grew up on a farm 7 miles from a town of 3,700. Commonality: good elementary education, Dan in one of the best school systems in the country, me in the intensely personal 1 room school house with a caring teacher.

Dan was raised as an agnostic Jew. I was raised a Methodist.

Dan went to MIT at 16, with advanced placement. I went to the U. of Wisconsin with deficiencies in foreign language, English and Math.

We met in a lab, had one date then Dan left the country for 3 months. We wrote daily about everything we thought about. Dan called on Christmas day to propose. The connection was so bad that neither of us was sure of what we had heard. He returned in Jan., we were married in March. To everyone's astonishment, we didn't have our first child for 5 years.

I sometimes think we thought more about our lives and dreams in those months Dan was away than we would have if he had stayed on campus. At any rate, we had written about a lot of issues that don't get mentioned in ordinary dating. When you write something, then wait 7 or 8 days to hear the response, it tends to make you more honest. You can't just say "Oh yeah, I love kids too" as casually as you say "Wasn't that a great movie?". There is greater intention in the written word.

How did we know we were ready? I've no idea. We had both been watching each other before our first date, and both had avoided sitting down at the post-course party until we were the only ones standing and could sit next to each other. Without having even talked, we both had keyed on each other. I'm fairly practical, but I guess I do believe in love at first sight.

[tulip]

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart".

But I would wager that most of us do not live with our parents or grandparents, nor do we want to, particularly in an intimate way. Parents/grandparent relationship is very different from any kind of matrimonial relationship--however you define it.

If the marriage has no soul left, for whatever reason, why stay in a marriage? My marriage was great for the first seven years, just okay for the next four, and then it really went down hill for the last two. The story wrapped up, no need to drag it out any longer. Could we have done things differently? Easy to say Yes now, with hindsight.

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

[Biciclista]

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

[Pax]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Thanks for posting that Mimi, those are some great ideas! My honey and I are doing well but her job takes so much time that weeks go by and we'll realize we haven't spent any time together...I like to idea of scheduling it instead of hoping for it.

[Ana]

Don't feel pressured to be in a relationship or be married or whatever. If you happen to be happy and single, that's great! but don't feel like you need a boyfriend/husband, because there's nothing worse than being in a relationship with someone who's not right for you.

I completely agree. I am a strong, independent woman and view relationships as something that should enhance and enrich my life. I also very much enjoy doing my own thing My curiosity about others' relationships mostly originated from my contemplative state.

Thank you for sharing!

Keep it coming

[Crankin]

I think Mimi echoed what I already said. The marital relationship has to come before anything... kids, parents, your bike, whatever. Some people dedicate themselves entirely to their kids and then they wonder why there is nothing left in their relationship when they look around 18 years later and they have nothing in common with their spouse. Women feel guilty for taking time for themselves and see it as being selfish. I never felt like that and I recently learned that "self care" is an important concept in counseling. It's emphasized a lot in my course work. If you don't feel good about your own stuff, then your kids do pick up on that.
The best compliment I had was when one of my kids told me that we were an excellent role model for a good marriage. This was after I had told him that our friends were getting a divorce and he was "double checking" to make sure we weren't going to go down the same road. He was 21, so this stuff affects even grown kids. Then, about two hours later, my other son asked me the same thing when I gave him the news about our friends. So, you never know what the kids are observing as you interact with your significant other.

[GraysonKelly]

I can honestly say that I dont know the answer to your questions but I had all of them when my partner and I started dating when I was 22 and she was 21. Our relationship went through a lot of stuff including a 2 year period where we weren't together but still living together (talk about AWKWARD!) When we got back together we learned a lot of stuff that we still remind each other that we learned. This is just the stuff that works for us, I have no idea how others feel about it.
1. We learned that there has to be a me, you, and us to our relationship. I am extremely independent and have lots of interests. She only had me for a very long time. She was too dependent on me for everything in her life and it was extremely stressful.
2. There is need in love and it's okay. For a very long time I didn't get that. due to some issues that I had, I was terrified of needing her at all therefore I kept her at arm's length a lot. It's ok.
3. You can't fight and be hurt unless you love someone.
4. There is no substitute for communication.
When I first fell for her I couldln't imagine anything being more important. When things fell apart, I couldn't imagine anything be more painful.
But we got through it. There was a lot of hurt. A lot of anger. But in the end we did what we didn't do to begin with...we learned. It was a good thing.
I say all the time we are striving to be "imperfectly perfect" In my experience we may not be perfect, but our imperfection make us darn close.
Just know in your heart that you want to make things work and realize that things will change...and that's okay. The important thing is to keep growing and changing as well.
Take care and follow your heart,
Gray

[Presto]

I woke up this morning to discover I'm not married anymore.

If you are married, please take a good look at that precious right. Imagine how you would feel to wake up and discover you were no longer married, despite not one thing changing in your life, your love, or your church.

Appreciate what you have, every moment that you have it.

[Veronica]

I don't get it.

How does your relationship ruin the sanctity of my marriage? Friggin' narrow minded idiots...

As far as I'm concerned, you're still married.

Veronica

[Grog]

I woke up this morning to discover I'm not married anymore.

If you are married, please take a good look at that precious right. Imagine how you would feel to wake up and discover you were no longer married, despite not one thing changing in your life, your love, or your church.

Appreciate what you have, every moment that you have it.

I'm finding this quite insane. *Big hug*

The good news is that your relationship is still there. And might become stronger as a result of this.

[coyote]

My partner and I were each other's first loves. I was 18 and she was 20. Sadly it was just after Valentine's Day. I fell in love with her at first site. We were together for a few years, apart for a few years, back together again for a few years. Then we did not speak for close to 5 years. She came looking for me when I was in LA....I realized I had always loved her and that I could not wait to be with her. It took me about 6 months to settle my affairs in LA. A year later we were married...its been 8 years since then - almost 28 years since we first met.

I tribute the late marriage to us having been so young and stubborn. Drugs, alcohol, egoes lead us to a lot of hardtimes. And even in early sobriety we both had a lot of hurt to deal with. Time healed a lot of that.

She is my soul mate and although it seems like we speak 2 different languages at times - we are just meant to be together. I can't imagine a life without her.

[michelem]

So, I know I'm jumping in here a little late, but thought I'd share a couple things that have helped us immensely.

My hubby and I got married a little later than most (we were both nearing 31). We were both pretty set in our ways and what a shock once we got married and started living together! I think we both thought we could just go along as usual, with the fringe benefits of being married. We didn't realize how much work it would be to create a "we" rather than a "you and me." In our case the first few years were ROUGH! We were still trying to be independent and we certainly didn't want to be co-dependent (which is what we thought of as the alternative). The solution? INTER-dependence! And, boy, what a difference that has made.

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Finally, I REALLY had to learn how to let go and let my husband be himself. Can you believe that the more I got after him to pick up after himself, etc., the more he dug in his heels and got defensive? The nerve of him! I had to learn that my world was not going to fall apart if the house wasn't perfectly in order. Also, that he was not out to get me or hurt me (which is how I took it when he left his socks on the floor or the dirty pb&j knife on the bare counter). And, amazingly, over the course of time, the less I nagged, the more he started picking up after himself ON HIS OWN!

Basically, we are The Odd Couple. I'm Felix and he's Oscar. From the outside, you would never think our relationship would work. He likes spicey, I like plain. He likes riding downhill with no hands, I'm clutching the brakes for dear life (give me uphill any day!), he likes basketball and football and lifting weights, I like ballet and figure skating . . . you get the picture. BUT, we are on the same page when it comes to spirituality, values, and loving each other.

So, there you have it in a nutty nutshell. Thanks for letting me share.

[arielmoon]

I woke up this morning to discover I'm not married anymore.

If you are married, please take a good look at that precious right. Imagine how you would feel to wake up and discover you were no longer married, despite not one thing changing in your life, your love, or your church.

Appreciate what you have, every moment that you have it.

(((Presto)))




edited for OT- sorry!

[Irulan]

(can we please keep the election out of these threads....)

Let's remember that OP was looking for experiences on the nature of relationships, and not the legal status of those relationships.

[Biciclista]

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference..

Hey, I thought WE invented this concept! Thanks for bringing it up!!


and to all of you whose marriages are no longer considered such by their state, please remember that the most important part of a relationship is what is between the two of you. (although having a few legal rights would sure be nice too). I am sorry about the election results.