Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[arielmoon]

This thread rocks!

I was in a relationship with guy, I met in college, for 10 years. When we met I had very low self esteem and a negative outlook. I didnt want to get married and become a statistic. He and I had some things in common and we ended up buying a farm which was my dream. So after 10 years his mom asked if she made all the arrangements would we get married and at that point I figured we were committed. So we got married in 1999. Then I got really healthy inside and out and discovered we were in fact very different. We divorced 4 years later.

Since then I have had 2 relationships that were nice but just not it. I am really picky so I am probably limiting the playing field substantially. I would rather be alone than with a negative, pessimistic, unhealthy person.

Lately I have been thinking that I live in the wrong place to try and meet a happy like minded active, animal loving vegan!

[Irulan]

The physical part of a relationship, I think, gets overrated and after 10 years, we are in a comfortable, low key kinda rhythm that suits me. Physical closeness is much more important.

mmm beg to disagree. Sure I think intimacy changes over the years, but at least for us, the sex has gotten better and better and better over the years. We make a point of keeping that part of our relationship on track and part of our focus. We couldn't have what we have without the other parts of our marriage really working well. We are 29 years into this thing, and I just can't imagine "it" being any better.

I.

[salsabike]

I wanted to say one more thing. For every Veronica who met her husband when they were really young, there's another like me who met the right guy after the age of 30. The first time I "almost got married", when I was 23, it was very much a kind of "Well, I'm finishing graduate school...it must be about the right time to get married" thought process. That guy was very likable and all, but the driving force was a sort of intellectual conviction that it was "time" to get married. And it would have been a mistake (we called off a big wedding the week before, which is a story in itself).

So...there is no right timetable for this. That's what I meant by take your time, don't rush.

[Andrea]

I met my 1st husband when I was in high school. At the time, we were perfect for each other and became best friends. A year & a half later, at the disapproval of my parents but the approval of his, we got married.
Fast forward 7 (mostly happy) years- I'm about to graduate with my master's degree, have a wonderful job lined up, and budding hopes of becoming a national-level cyclist. He's still going to college on & off (as in signing up, going to classes, then dropping them when they start getting too difficult) while trying to survive financially with growing debt (student loans and various irresponsible purchases) and hopping between jobs in retail. I had been trying to support him however I could for so long, but finally decide that my future looks brighter without him in the picture. We get divorced. It's very, very painful to see someone that you still care about spiral down to the lowest point in their life as a direct result of your actions. It was tough, but I kept telling myself that my hopes and dreams no longer deserved to be compromised.

Around the time that marriage was hitting the rocks, I started training and bike racing a LOT. I was somewhat poor at the time, and found another local racer that wanted to split travel costs to go to more races. We became friends, though I didn't really reveal much about my personal life. Turns out, I left my hubby the day before a race weekend. Subsequently had a HORRIBLE race, and finally told my race pal what was going on (he was very understanding... he let me borrow his race wheels that day, too...). In the following months, we continue to be great friends- racing, training, and generally spending free time together.

We eventually became more than friends... and that's where I am now. He bought a house, and me & the kids (the furry type, of course) moved in. Life is better now than I could ever have imagined it. We balance each other perfectly. He is so understanding of me- my personality quirks, my dedication to training/racing (that can be really hard on a relationship)... and he doesn't mind them... which makes me so grateful to have found him.

As for marriage... I can say I don't know if it's in my future or not. Unlike a lot of unmarried couples, he would probably agree to get married tomorrow if I suggested it. I'm just not sure about it. Marriage seems like such an imposed value of society to me now. It's like a requirement- you must get a job, a spouse, and have 2.5 children, white picket fence, etc... Furthermore, going through a divorce was one of the most stressful things I've ever been through. Not that I see another divorce in my future if I were to get married again... but who ever does?

So that's my story. I am with someone who is, as far as I can tell, a perfect match for me. Where it goes from here? No idea- I'm just playing things as they're dealt right now

[Brandi]

to what do i attribute our success? We made a commitment to stay together. Doesn't matter if i can't stand him today; I know tomorrow, I'll get over what I'm mad about and he'll still be there to love me. And vice versa. It works.

I third that! My mom has been married 4 times! She runs away when trouble starts. That is not what you do. How can the other person depend on you and trust that you will be there when times are tough if you run away.
I met my dh when I was 19 and he was 29. I came from a seoiusly broken family and had a lot to learn about relationships. I am still learning going on 22 years now with dh. He is my best friend period. He pushes me when I am lazy and he supports alomost everything I do. He always has an opinion and thinks he is right. But I know he is not always right even when he doesn't. I can't imagine my life without him. And to be honest if goes before me I don't think I would get involved again. He is my complete relationship. I have come a long way since we first met and so has he. We are still very close and we often comment on how even after all this time we still find eachother very attractive. He rocks!

[Brandi]

Oh by the way we were together 7 years and bought a house together before we got married. And we work together 24-7. Talk about having to be patient with eachother!

[xeney]

My husband and I met when he was almost 22 and I was almost 25. I was engaged to somebody else and he had previously dated my niece (she introduced us). The attraction was about 95 percent physical and it was a totally doomed relationship: we actually hooked up in a bar.

We moved in together less than a year later to save money even though neither of us saw long-term prospects: doomed! We bought a house we could not quite afford when I was 28 and he was 25: doomed! We finally got married in 2004, when I was 35 and he was 32: doomed! Everyone knows that when those perennial live-together couples finally get married, they always break up within a year! And then we had a baby in 2007. Doomed, doomed, doomed!

It will be 15 years in May. I'd still hook up with him if I happened to bump into him in a bar again.

[Brandi]

mmm beg to disagree. Sure I think intimacy changes over the years, but at least for us, the sex has gotten better and better and better over the years. We make a point of keeping that part of our relationship on track and part of our focus. We couldn't have what we have without the other parts of our marriage really working well. We are 29 years into this thing, and I just can't imagine "it" being any better.

I.

Right on! Sometimes I am in aww over our's. You would think after alomost 22 years you would be bored or something. But it never get's dull for either of us. Sure we have had a few bad spells. He was taking a medication once that really hurt that part of our relationship. We fixed that once we figured it out. He is so attractive to me. And I to him. Even though I am not that cute tight bodied 19 year old he first met. But I look pretty good for a 40 year old. And my dh who is 50 can ride like the wind and looks really good for his age. People think he is my age!

[Geonz]

I'm 48 and single/

I keep forgetting to be unhappy. I am loved and I love well, and deeply; just not domestically, or something like that. I am, in some ways, freer to share and give because I don't have the responsibilities that come with family.

Whatever you do, don't let the idea that your peers are "in relationships" make you feel like you have to have one. Just like a vegetarian can have a well-balanced diet without meat, a woman can have a well-balanced life without it, too

[Aggie_Ama]

I don't even know when I met my husband. We both bowled competitively and I feel like I must have discovered he existed around 14-15. He thought I was stuck up and didn't care to know me. Truth is I am very shy and standoffish when strangers approach me.

We started dating when I was 16 after he decided might as well ask since my friends said I liked him and I was "cute". We got engaged when I was 19, married at 22. My parents insisted I finish college first and I am glad I did because being married and not having parents to help with the bills gets really hard really fast.

We have been married 5.5 years and it has definitely not been all roses. I guess so far what makes it work is we have changed a lot but we continue to grow up together instead of apart. We fight for us because we both feel the sum is better than the parts. We have been through hell, hurt each other, close family death, serious illnesses, sick parents, being pretty broke, moving, changing jobs, disappointment in careers, college. I am not the same girl and sometimes I don't know how he became the man he is from the 17 year old boy who took me to a movie. But we accept that we changed and overall we like our 27 and 28 year old selves a heck of a lot more.

Did I ever think I would marry the boy I fell for in high school? Heck no! But if you find someone you will fight with and fight for and still love 11 years later you stop looking at your timeline. We don't have kids, not sure we will so there is a dynamic that may strain or strengthen us.

There is no time anyone must be ready, you just hope you know yourself well enough to make the right choice and hope your partner is the same way. I still think marriage is a crap shoot. You don't fail always because you were too lazy to work at it and you don't succeed because you were determined not to fail. There are so many other variables.

My own parents have been married 33 years. Somedays I think they are completely dysfunctional, other days I think they have the perfect marriage. Somedays my mom would say "totally f-ed up" and some days "strong and perfect" to describe them. Sometimes in the same day. They fight for them and it has worked for 33 years.

[Biciclista]

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart".

The point of it all is our relationship is important to each of us and we will do what it takes to nurture it. We also have the commitment to stay together. There is so much calmness in that.

WELL SAID TEIGYR!

All of our friends in AZ are now divorced. It's really sad. All of these couples waited a lot longer to have kids and always had more money than us when we were younger. We progressed as the years went on and now we are in a much better place than they are in many ways. I never would have predicted any of it.

Crankin, this happened to a lot of our friends too, friends we actually chose because they had long term marriages like ours, and we have watched; scandalized while one guy is now married to a pot smoking woman his daughter's age, and another, where the former wife is now out exploring her sexuality...
It's lonely out here! But It can be done, and it's nice to read stories like yours and Teigyr's and a couple others!!!

I think you need to be best friends with your partner.

BOY I AGREE!!

We have never had a fight.

(you mean like arguing, right?)
Uh, we haven't fought once this week
we fight a lot!

you should expect that if you date for 3 months before you get married.

but I wouldn't trade him or the life I've had with him for ANYTHING!

[Pax]

My Partner and I met at work, we felt a connection and became good friends, as time passed we acknowledged an attraction and discussed what we wanted from the other and what we were willing to give. I was 29 and she was 30, it was a good thing for us that we were a bit older or it never would have worked...I was too wild when I was younger and she was too staid, we wouldn't have connected very well.

We're approaching 19 years together and she's still the love of my life.

[indigoiis]

As independent as I like to think myself, I definitely have maintained throughout my adult years some concept of fairytale romance.

I was first married from age 21-27, divorced, immediately into another head-over-heels romance with a man who was (is) perfect for me. I knew it, he knew it, but he couldn't commit - he was a bachelor true - not the kind who goes out partying with his guy friends and plays around, but the kind who stays home and builds stuff and keeps a clean house and is happy reading for hours and being by himself. It was really hard for me for a long time. We broke up right before 9/11. It was so hard and I was very unhappy and started drinking heavily. I dated around, but he just stayed single and happy in his world (although he says now it was the loneliest and saddest time of his life.) I started dating another guy but could not "concentrate" on the relationship because I was always thinking about what I lost. Finally, in 2003, after a family emergency that brought us back together, Mr. Indy and I were (think Peaches n Herb) re-united. I quit smoking and drinking soon after and I think he saw in that my commitment to being a healthier person for him to spend his life with, and he asked me to marry him in 06. We got married two weeks later.

I have to say, I wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars. I get teary-eyed thinking about what might have happened in my life - without his companionship and support in everything (the drinking problems - he always stuck it out.) He is truly the perfect person for me - we both have our quiet and our privacy but we really dig being with each other. He is everything I could want in a guy - he's strong, healthy, bicycles, can fix stuff, likes to travel, loves animals, loves books and old antiques, and cooks and cleans up after himself. He steers clear of decisions regarding my daughter, but offers support when I need it as a parent.

I know this all sounds like one of those corny radio shout-outs.

But, for me, this life and this relationship suits me to a T. He had the patience to stick it out, and I had the persistance to keep him in my life, in one way or another. And it never would have happened had I not married the first husband, as part of the reason for the breakdown of the first marriage led me to the conversations that opened up the door to the second.

Everyone is different.
That's my story.

[ikkin]

Great thread! Here's my relationship history for ya...

I was head over heels "in love" with a depressed guy in college. He was everything I thought I wanted- extremely smart, hilarious, athletic. I chased him relentlessly for a year and a half, finally convinced him to give it a try, rode an emotional roller coaster for two years. He left for the Peace Corps after college and I suddenly and unexpectedly felt liberated. I learned a ton from him and will always care for him, but I sent the Dear John letter two months after he left. He was devastated. I felt awful but knew it was right.

Soon after I met his Polar Opposite. Polar Opposite was fun, happy, hard-working, etc. Polar Opposite also lived in downtown Boston and I was in my early twenties. Had a ton of fun dating Polar Opposite for a couple years but always knew it just wasn't right long-term. We were just too different. But I was too chicken to break up with him.

And then I met the Hubby.

BAM. It sounds so cheesy, but I KNEW RIGHT AWAY. We had (and have) some weird timeless connection- I felt like I knew him in a previous life. The feeling was mutual. He basically stole me away from the Polar Opposite, although my relationship with PO was sketchy at that time anyway.

A year after meeting he proposed in the middle of a 5 day backpacking trip near Lake Tahoe.

5 months into our engagement we had a mutual freak-out, got scared (we are both very independent people, and the looming marriage was pretty intimidating) got some help.

The day of my wedding (which was AWESOME and in a barn in Vermont with a Bluegrass band, BBQ and our closest friends) I had a huge pit in my stomach and felt like bolting when I had to say "I do...".

But I said it anyway. Thank goodness.

We just celebrated our 1 year anniversary and I am amazed at how much I've learned- both about myself and about him- in 12 short months. The coolest part is I'm just starting to realize how infinite that learning curve really is. I never thought I could actually love him MORE, but I do. In a deeper, more committed way. The butterflies are over, mostly, but they've been replaced with the solid comforting consistency and enduring love of an Irish Wolfhound. I look forward to coming home to him every day. He feels the same way.

We are partners, friends, lovers. He makes me laugh. At the world, but most importantly at myself. We are learning to be married together. We forgive quickly and easily and do not expect perfection or mind-reading. It is not always romantic. It is not always fun. But it is AWESOME. And it is right. For us.

Good luck!

[ikkin]

Right on! Sometimes I am in aww over our's. You would think after alomost 22 years you would be bored or something. But it never get's dull for either of us. Sure we have had a few bad spells. He was taking a medication once that really hurt that part of our relationship. We fixed that once we figured it out. He is so attractive to me. And I to him. Even though I am not that cute tight bodied 19 year old he first met. But I look pretty good for a 40 year old. And my dh who is 50 can ride like the wind and looks really good for his age. People think he is my age!

oh, and more more thing related to the story above. i'm 29. the first time my hubby and i had sex i was 26 and it was literally AWFUL! the worst sex ever! awkward, embarrassing, etc. and it came on the tail of this totally romantic night with a fire and candles and all that cheese! it took a decent amount of time for us to find, ahem, our "stride" physically. but we never made an issue of it. never focused on what was wrong. and now, three years later, we're WAY better together. we laugh about that first time now. and we just keep improving, it just keeps getting more and more toe curling and fun.

for what its worth...