Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[sfa]

I never really had marriage as a goal for myself. It wasn't something I was against in any way, and my parents had a great relationship (still do!) so I had a good model right in front of me for a successful marriage. But I was more interested in other things--getting my degree, travelling, finding work I loved. So no one was more surprised than I was when I met a guy when I was 19 years old and knew (o.k., it took me most of a year to "know"--I didn't trust my own judgment and we were dating long distance before the era of cheap flights and email) that he was the one. But even then I took it slow--I still wanted to finish my degree, go to graduate school, travel, etc. I knew I had to be completely happy and comfortable with my own life before I'd commit to marriage. We finally married when I was 25, and I thought at the time that maybe I was still a bit too young! My husband was also very cautious and in no hurry--he had married young and was divorced when we met (he's almost 11 years older than me) and wanted to make absolutely sure he was making the right decision. He said he wouldn't even consider marriage again for at least five years after his divorce.

That was nearly 15 years ago and we're still happily married, although it hasn't always been "happily ever after." There's something like a 75% divorce rate among parents of autistic children, and we often get the "how do you do it?" question from people. But I think going into the marriage knowing that it wouldn't always be blissful and romantic was a great start, along with going into it knowing that we both were completely happy with who we were as individuals. Add to that a good dose of flexibility, mutual respect, lots of common interests and a few uncommon ones, patience and a good sense of humor. That's how we do it.

Sarah

[arielmoon]

This thread rocks!

I was in a relationship with guy, I met in college, for 10 years. When we met I had very low self esteem and a negative outlook. I didnt want to get married and become a statistic. He and I had some things in common and we ended up buying a farm which was my dream. So after 10 years his mom asked if she made all the arrangements would we get married and at that point I figured we were committed. So we got married in 1999. Then I got really healthy inside and out and discovered we were in fact very different. We divorced 4 years later.

Since then I have had 2 relationships that were nice but just not it. I am really picky so I am probably limiting the playing field substantially. I would rather be alone than with a negative, pessimistic, unhealthy person.

Lately I have been thinking that I live in the wrong place to try and meet a happy like minded active, animal loving vegan!

[Irulan]

The physical part of a relationship, I think, gets overrated and after 10 years, we are in a comfortable, low key kinda rhythm that suits me. Physical closeness is much more important.

mmm beg to disagree. Sure I think intimacy changes over the years, but at least for us, the sex has gotten better and better and better over the years. We make a point of keeping that part of our relationship on track and part of our focus. We couldn't have what we have without the other parts of our marriage really working well. We are 29 years into this thing, and I just can't imagine "it" being any better.

I.

[Brandi]

mmm beg to disagree. Sure I think intimacy changes over the years, but at least for us, the sex has gotten better and better and better over the years. We make a point of keeping that part of our relationship on track and part of our focus. We couldn't have what we have without the other parts of our marriage really working well. We are 29 years into this thing, and I just can't imagine "it" being any better.

I.

Right on! Sometimes I am in aww over our's. You would think after alomost 22 years you would be bored or something. But it never get's dull for either of us. Sure we have had a few bad spells. He was taking a medication once that really hurt that part of our relationship. We fixed that once we figured it out. He is so attractive to me. And I to him. Even though I am not that cute tight bodied 19 year old he first met. But I look pretty good for a 40 year old. And my dh who is 50 can ride like the wind and looks really good for his age. People think he is my age!

[ikkin]

Right on! Sometimes I am in aww over our's. You would think after alomost 22 years you would be bored or something. But it never get's dull for either of us. Sure we have had a few bad spells. He was taking a medication once that really hurt that part of our relationship. We fixed that once we figured it out. He is so attractive to me. And I to him. Even though I am not that cute tight bodied 19 year old he first met. But I look pretty good for a 40 year old. And my dh who is 50 can ride like the wind and looks really good for his age. People think he is my age!

oh, and more more thing related to the story above. i'm 29. the first time my hubby and i had sex i was 26 and it was literally AWFUL! the worst sex ever! awkward, embarrassing, etc. and it came on the tail of this totally romantic night with a fire and candles and all that cheese! it took a decent amount of time for us to find, ahem, our "stride" physically. but we never made an issue of it. never focused on what was wrong. and now, three years later, we're WAY better together. we laugh about that first time now. and we just keep improving, it just keeps getting more and more toe curling and fun.

for what its worth...

[newfsmith]

Start with the upshot: next March Dan & I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We love and treasure each other, both of us having had the experience of waiting for the other to come out of major surgery, and realizing that the most important person in our world was in that bed with all those tubes. We have gone through our personal rough spots and rough patches in our marriage, but we have never considered that we wanted to separate. It is hard to say why our bond has stayed firm, all logic says we should not have gotten married at all. We did just about everything "wrong" according to the marriage counselers.

Dan's father was a best-selling author, mine was a hog-farmer. Dan's mother was also an author and an artist, mine was a farmer's wife and Avon representative. Commonality: our parents were self-employed.

Dan grew up in Scarsdale, NY; I grew up on a farm 7 miles from a town of 3,700. Commonality: good elementary education, Dan in one of the best school systems in the country, me in the intensely personal 1 room school house with a caring teacher.

Dan was raised as an agnostic Jew. I was raised a Methodist.

Dan went to MIT at 16, with advanced placement. I went to the U. of Wisconsin with deficiencies in foreign language, English and Math.

We met in a lab, had one date then Dan left the country for 3 months. We wrote daily about everything we thought about. Dan called on Christmas day to propose. The connection was so bad that neither of us was sure of what we had heard. He returned in Jan., we were married in March. To everyone's astonishment, we didn't have our first child for 5 years.

I sometimes think we thought more about our lives and dreams in those months Dan was away than we would have if he had stayed on campus. At any rate, we had written about a lot of issues that don't get mentioned in ordinary dating. When you write something, then wait 7 or 8 days to hear the response, it tends to make you more honest. You can't just say "Oh yeah, I love kids too" as casually as you say "Wasn't that a great movie?". There is greater intention in the written word.

How did we know we were ready? I've no idea. We had both been watching each other before our first date, and both had avoided sitting down at the post-course party until we were the only ones standing and could sit next to each other. Without having even talked, we both had keyed on each other. I'm fairly practical, but I guess I do believe in love at first sight.

[salsabike]

I wanted to say one more thing. For every Veronica who met her husband when they were really young, there's another like me who met the right guy after the age of 30. The first time I "almost got married", when I was 23, it was very much a kind of "Well, I'm finishing graduate school...it must be about the right time to get married" thought process. That guy was very likable and all, but the driving force was a sort of intellectual conviction that it was "time" to get married. And it would have been a mistake (we called off a big wedding the week before, which is a story in itself).

So...there is no right timetable for this. That's what I meant by take your time, don't rush.

[michelem]

So, I know I'm jumping in here a little late, but thought I'd share a couple things that have helped us immensely.

My hubby and I got married a little later than most (we were both nearing 31). We were both pretty set in our ways and what a shock once we got married and started living together! I think we both thought we could just go along as usual, with the fringe benefits of being married. We didn't realize how much work it would be to create a "we" rather than a "you and me." In our case the first few years were ROUGH! We were still trying to be independent and we certainly didn't want to be co-dependent (which is what we thought of as the alternative). The solution? INTER-dependence! And, boy, what a difference that has made.

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Finally, I REALLY had to learn how to let go and let my husband be himself. Can you believe that the more I got after him to pick up after himself, etc., the more he dug in his heels and got defensive? The nerve of him! I had to learn that my world was not going to fall apart if the house wasn't perfectly in order. Also, that he was not out to get me or hurt me (which is how I took it when he left his socks on the floor or the dirty pb&j knife on the bare counter). And, amazingly, over the course of time, the less I nagged, the more he started picking up after himself ON HIS OWN!

Basically, we are The Odd Couple. I'm Felix and he's Oscar. From the outside, you would never think our relationship would work. He likes spicey, I like plain. He likes riding downhill with no hands, I'm clutching the brakes for dear life (give me uphill any day!), he likes basketball and football and lifting weights, I like ballet and figure skating . . . you get the picture. BUT, we are on the same page when it comes to spirituality, values, and loving each other.

So, there you have it in a nutty nutshell. Thanks for letting me share.

[arielmoon]

I woke up this morning to discover I'm not married anymore.

If you are married, please take a good look at that precious right. Imagine how you would feel to wake up and discover you were no longer married, despite not one thing changing in your life, your love, or your church.

Appreciate what you have, every moment that you have it.

(((Presto)))




edited for OT- sorry!

[Irulan]

(can we please keep the election out of these threads....)

Let's remember that OP was looking for experiences on the nature of relationships, and not the legal status of those relationships.

[Presto]

(can we please keep the election out of these threads....)

Let's remember that OP was looking for experiences on the nature of relationships, and not the legal status of those relationships.

Thank you, Irulan, for your support. That is why I didn't mention election, politics, or legalities in my post. I spoke only about my very personal reaction to the very personal experience of the nature of my relationship.

You young ladies will discover as you get older that there are miracles in every relationship God brings to you. Appreciate them. Be grateful for them. Imagine how you would feel if they were taken from you (by law, illness, death or separation). When you see this great gift before you, then you will find the strength and determination to create a full relationship and live it completely.

Appreciate every thing you have, every moment.

[Biciclista]

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference..

Hey, I thought WE invented this concept! Thanks for bringing it up!!


and to all of you whose marriages are no longer considered such by their state, please remember that the most important part of a relationship is what is between the two of you. (although having a few legal rights would sure be nice too). I am sorry about the election results.

[salsabike]

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Hey, I thought WE invented this concept! Thanks for bringing it up!!

No, my parents always told us that too: "A marriage isn't 50%-50%; it's 100%-100%." My dad also used to say, sometimes you should apologize even when you don't think you were wrong. I think they taught me how to leave room, if that makes any sense. I mean, leave room for both of us to be imperfect, to become better, to get a break, to be heard...whatever kind of room is needed so that people don't feel boxed in with no good place to turn. I'm babbling away insensibly but hope you all see what I'm trying to say.