Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[salsabike]

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Hey, I thought WE invented this concept! Thanks for bringing it up!!

No, my parents always told us that too: "A marriage isn't 50%-50%; it's 100%-100%." My dad also used to say, sometimes you should apologize even when you don't think you were wrong. I think they taught me how to leave room, if that makes any sense. I mean, leave room for both of us to be imperfect, to become better, to get a break, to be heard...whatever kind of room is needed so that people don't feel boxed in with no good place to turn. I'm babbling away insensibly but hope you all see what I'm trying to say.

[Andrea]

I met my 1st husband when I was in high school. At the time, we were perfect for each other and became best friends. A year & a half later, at the disapproval of my parents but the approval of his, we got married.
Fast forward 7 (mostly happy) years- I'm about to graduate with my master's degree, have a wonderful job lined up, and budding hopes of becoming a national-level cyclist. He's still going to college on & off (as in signing up, going to classes, then dropping them when they start getting too difficult) while trying to survive financially with growing debt (student loans and various irresponsible purchases) and hopping between jobs in retail. I had been trying to support him however I could for so long, but finally decide that my future looks brighter without him in the picture. We get divorced. It's very, very painful to see someone that you still care about spiral down to the lowest point in their life as a direct result of your actions. It was tough, but I kept telling myself that my hopes and dreams no longer deserved to be compromised.

Around the time that marriage was hitting the rocks, I started training and bike racing a LOT. I was somewhat poor at the time, and found another local racer that wanted to split travel costs to go to more races. We became friends, though I didn't really reveal much about my personal life. Turns out, I left my hubby the day before a race weekend. Subsequently had a HORRIBLE race, and finally told my race pal what was going on (he was very understanding... he let me borrow his race wheels that day, too...). In the following months, we continue to be great friends- racing, training, and generally spending free time together.

We eventually became more than friends... and that's where I am now. He bought a house, and me & the kids (the furry type, of course) moved in. Life is better now than I could ever have imagined it. We balance each other perfectly. He is so understanding of me- my personality quirks, my dedication to training/racing (that can be really hard on a relationship)... and he doesn't mind them... which makes me so grateful to have found him.

As for marriage... I can say I don't know if it's in my future or not. Unlike a lot of unmarried couples, he would probably agree to get married tomorrow if I suggested it. I'm just not sure about it. Marriage seems like such an imposed value of society to me now. It's like a requirement- you must get a job, a spouse, and have 2.5 children, white picket fence, etc... Furthermore, going through a divorce was one of the most stressful things I've ever been through. Not that I see another divorce in my future if I were to get married again... but who ever does?

So that's my story. I am with someone who is, as far as I can tell, a perfect match for me. Where it goes from here? No idea- I'm just playing things as they're dealt right now

[Aggie_Ama]

I don't even know when I met my husband. We both bowled competitively and I feel like I must have discovered he existed around 14-15. He thought I was stuck up and didn't care to know me. Truth is I am very shy and standoffish when strangers approach me.

We started dating when I was 16 after he decided might as well ask since my friends said I liked him and I was "cute". We got engaged when I was 19, married at 22. My parents insisted I finish college first and I am glad I did because being married and not having parents to help with the bills gets really hard really fast.

We have been married 5.5 years and it has definitely not been all roses. I guess so far what makes it work is we have changed a lot but we continue to grow up together instead of apart. We fight for us because we both feel the sum is better than the parts. We have been through hell, hurt each other, close family death, serious illnesses, sick parents, being pretty broke, moving, changing jobs, disappointment in careers, college. I am not the same girl and sometimes I don't know how he became the man he is from the 17 year old boy who took me to a movie. But we accept that we changed and overall we like our 27 and 28 year old selves a heck of a lot more.

Did I ever think I would marry the boy I fell for in high school? Heck no! But if you find someone you will fight with and fight for and still love 11 years later you stop looking at your timeline. We don't have kids, not sure we will so there is a dynamic that may strain or strengthen us.

There is no time anyone must be ready, you just hope you know yourself well enough to make the right choice and hope your partner is the same way. I still think marriage is a crap shoot. You don't fail always because you were too lazy to work at it and you don't succeed because you were determined not to fail. There are so many other variables.

My own parents have been married 33 years. Somedays I think they are completely dysfunctional, other days I think they have the perfect marriage. Somedays my mom would say "totally f-ed up" and some days "strong and perfect" to describe them. Sometimes in the same day. They fight for them and it has worked for 33 years.

[Pax]

My Partner and I met at work, we felt a connection and became good friends, as time passed we acknowledged an attraction and discussed what we wanted from the other and what we were willing to give. I was 29 and she was 30, it was a good thing for us that we were a bit older or it never would have worked...I was too wild when I was younger and she was too staid, we wouldn't have connected very well.

We're approaching 19 years together and she's still the love of my life.

[indigoiis]

As independent as I like to think myself, I definitely have maintained throughout my adult years some concept of fairytale romance.

I was first married from age 21-27, divorced, immediately into another head-over-heels romance with a man who was (is) perfect for me. I knew it, he knew it, but he couldn't commit - he was a bachelor true - not the kind who goes out partying with his guy friends and plays around, but the kind who stays home and builds stuff and keeps a clean house and is happy reading for hours and being by himself. It was really hard for me for a long time. We broke up right before 9/11. It was so hard and I was very unhappy and started drinking heavily. I dated around, but he just stayed single and happy in his world (although he says now it was the loneliest and saddest time of his life.) I started dating another guy but could not "concentrate" on the relationship because I was always thinking about what I lost. Finally, in 2003, after a family emergency that brought us back together, Mr. Indy and I were (think Peaches n Herb) re-united. I quit smoking and drinking soon after and I think he saw in that my commitment to being a healthier person for him to spend his life with, and he asked me to marry him in 06. We got married two weeks later.

I have to say, I wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars. I get teary-eyed thinking about what might have happened in my life - without his companionship and support in everything (the drinking problems - he always stuck it out.) He is truly the perfect person for me - we both have our quiet and our privacy but we really dig being with each other. He is everything I could want in a guy - he's strong, healthy, bicycles, can fix stuff, likes to travel, loves animals, loves books and old antiques, and cooks and cleans up after himself. He steers clear of decisions regarding my daughter, but offers support when I need it as a parent.

I know this all sounds like one of those corny radio shout-outs.

But, for me, this life and this relationship suits me to a T. He had the patience to stick it out, and I had the persistance to keep him in my life, in one way or another. And it never would have happened had I not married the first husband, as part of the reason for the breakdown of the first marriage led me to the conversations that opened up the door to the second.

Everyone is different.
That's my story.

[Biciclista]

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart".

The point of it all is our relationship is important to each of us and we will do what it takes to nurture it. We also have the commitment to stay together. There is so much calmness in that.

WELL SAID TEIGYR!

All of our friends in AZ are now divorced. It's really sad. All of these couples waited a lot longer to have kids and always had more money than us when we were younger. We progressed as the years went on and now we are in a much better place than they are in many ways. I never would have predicted any of it.

Crankin, this happened to a lot of our friends too, friends we actually chose because they had long term marriages like ours, and we have watched; scandalized while one guy is now married to a pot smoking woman his daughter's age, and another, where the former wife is now out exploring her sexuality...
It's lonely out here! But It can be done, and it's nice to read stories like yours and Teigyr's and a couple others!!!

I think you need to be best friends with your partner.

BOY I AGREE!!

We have never had a fight.

(you mean like arguing, right?)
Uh, we haven't fought once this week
we fight a lot!

you should expect that if you date for 3 months before you get married.

but I wouldn't trade him or the life I've had with him for ANYTHING!

[tulip]

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart".

But I would wager that most of us do not live with our parents or grandparents, nor do we want to, particularly in an intimate way. Parents/grandparent relationship is very different from any kind of matrimonial relationship--however you define it.

If the marriage has no soul left, for whatever reason, why stay in a marriage? My marriage was great for the first seven years, just okay for the next four, and then it really went down hill for the last two. The story wrapped up, no need to drag it out any longer. Could we have done things differently? Easy to say Yes now, with hindsight.

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

[Biciclista]

It's so easy to judge people who break up or divorce, but I can tell you that it's very difficult and heartbreaking, and also sometimes extremely necessary.

Best wishes for you Ana, on your life's adventures and whatever paths you decide to travel upon.

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

[Pax]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Thanks for posting that Mimi, those are some great ideas! My honey and I are doing well but her job takes so much time that weeks go by and we'll realize we haven't spent any time together...I like to idea of scheduling it instead of hoping for it.

[mtbdarby]

I'm sorry if you felt judged by what we have said. The fact is, my marriage went through some very rough times, including separations.
But one day we looked at each other and realized we were starting to go through the motions. We loved each other too much to watch our marriage go down the tubes. So the both of us (and that's the key, it takes TWO people
to make a marriage work) sat down and scheduled an entire year of weekends, one a month, which would be OUR time. We scheduled hikes, movies, ferry rides, bike rides, all sorts of things that we would do together, our time. It brought joy and romance back into our marriage. and, in fact,
I actually started riding my bike seriously because I realized that my DH and I didn't have any activities any longer that we both liked to do. AND NOW LOOK AT US!

The originator of this thread asked us what worked for us, and this is what worked for me.

Such great advice! Mimi and Irulan - I love hearing about how you make/have made your marriages work. Such wisdom...

Although I am divorced I do not consider that relationship a failure. For me it was a vast learning experience and I would never have learned who I am or what I need from a relationship if it hadn't been for those 13 years.

To quote Dr. Phil "if the cost of being in a relationship is more than the cost of being yourself, than the cost is too much."

I learned to not give up "me" in a relationship. Compromise yes, but not at the cost of changing who I am. Resentment can build at an amazing pace.

It does take two people to make a relationship work but it only takes one person to tear it apart. If the other person wants out and is not willing to try, there is nothing you can do to change that other person. You just have to take care of yourself.

You have to be happy with who you are. You can not rely on someone else to make you happy.

Echoing the others...people are not mind readers. You have to be able to communicate.

Mistakes happen. Do not keep bringing up your partners mistakes in the present. You have to learn to forgive and LET GO.

I've been divorced for 3 years now. I'm happy with who I am and where I'm at and I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship yet or ever. Maybe it's just what Geonz (Sue) said

Dar

[RolliePollie]

I've really enjoyed reading through this thread. Ana, I'm so glad you asked the question!

I'm 34, single, never married, never really had a long term relationship, and currently have no prospects. Lately I've started to realize I've pretty much given up on ever finding anyone, and unfortunately I'm starting to feel a little bitter about it. Reading all of these posts makes me realize how much I do want a relationship! It's just so hard to find a good guy (or any guy at all!)...and I'm not good at meeting new people. But I'm really good at being single and on my own, and I'm proud of myself for being independent. So if the right guy comes along, I'll be absolutely thrilled. But I'm not getting my hopes up!