Please share: Relationships, Engagement and Marriage

[Trekhawk]

to what do i attribute our success? We made a commitment to stay together. Doesn't matter if i can't stand him today; I know tomorrow, I'll get over what I'm mad about and he'll still be there to love me. And vice versa. It works.

Mimi you have hit the nail on the head with that statement.

I was 31 when we got married and we have been married now for 13 years.
We have three great boys and I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful family.
We do annoy each other sometimes but we also make each other laugh and that is gold.

[salsabike]

I got married when I was 37 (1991) and I still think he's the coolest guy I know. I almost got married when I was 23 and again in my late 20s, and had I married either of them, I would be divorced now. I got very lucky. We laugh a lot. We don't have control battles. We love to do some things together, and other things separately. He's smart, funny, interesting, cool, calm and collected, and committed.

Take your time. No need to rush. Speak up about important things when you need to, but pick your battles--not everything is important enough to fuss about. See past the "does he give me cool presents on my birthday" to "does he act lovingly". Be careful around needy people---they're pretty exhausting in a marriage. Don't marry anyone who doesn't make you laugh reasonably often. Don't marry someone who is unkind. Get comfortable with apologizing and acknowledging your own weirdnesses.

[alpinerabbit]

I think you need to be best friends with your partner.

I also think a relationship cannot work out between people who do not have a basic respect for other humans, and who put their "wants" first. Dunno how else to express it.

I've lived with my DBF for the past 10 years, together 11.5 yrs.
We would probably be married if there wasn't the tax hike you suffer when you do, as we both make a full salary. I don't want kids, although sometimes I fear I will regret it, but then the "minuses" come back into focus.
We've talked it through, I think he could envision them but I do not think he would cut back on his career so it would be me bearing most of the load.

We have never had a fight. He supported me through some rough times.
Once I was whining about the job when the previous one was the job from hell (&above-said rough times) that I just got out of, and he got exasperated, probably thinking "there she goes again" - I realized what I was doing and told him that I did not expect him to solve my problems, just to listen and pat my head saying "I understand".

I need to have a partner that I can look up to, in part at least, intellectually. That does not necessarily mean he has to be better educated, but he has to at least be mentally agile.

The physical part of a relationship, I think, gets overrated and after 10 years, we are in a comfortable, low key kinda rhythm that suits me. Physical closeness is much more important.
We've talked about that as well. He's not good with expressing emotions but I told him repeatedly that he must bring it up if something's not right. Hope he will.
He is the loveliest person I know as a type of guy, he loves cooking, etc.
I think you need to keep up gestures of love to keep the fire crackling. So I try to sneak in little things, sticky notes when I'm gone unexpectedly, etc., go out and have a drink before dinner -
And his body is looking better than ever with starting triathlons as well :-P

[tulip]

You are bringing up good questions before you jump into this. It takes alot of courage to do that.

I was together with my now ex husband for 17 years. We were married for 13. We started dating (quickly moving in together) when I was 22 and still in college. I do not consider the marriage a failure--it would be a failure if the marriage had continued even though it had lost its soul. We have started new chapters in our lives, and that's okay. I think there's alot of pressure to stay together regardless of the circumstances. I felt an enormous amount of pressure to stay married simply because I was married, even though the relationship had changed, I had changed, he had changed, but we had not changed together.

BTW, we never fought either, and that was a problem. And as Irulan pointed out, alot of women expect men to read their minds--that was destructive on my part. Communication from the beginning is very important.

We did not have children by choice. We thought that having children would bring too much stress based on our own childhoods. I don't think that the decision to have or not have kids is the only reason that marriages succeed or fail.

I'm in a long-term relationship now that is wonderful. If I knew what I know now, my marriage would have been very different one way or another (it might have been shorter, or it might be going strong, but different). I'm still learning to talk openly with my partner and not fear a potential negative reaction, but those are my issues that I'm dealing with on my own in therapy, too.

One thing that really would have benefited me and my marriage is counseling before we got married to work out some issues, as well as later on when we came across some very rocky times. We did not do that, and I think it was because I (and perhaps he, too, but I can't speak for him) was too scared about what counseling would reveal. I also think that I was too young to jump into such a serious relationship when I was 22. I had big plans that I put on hold (and never went back to) then, and that pattern continued during the marriage.

PM me if you want to.

[kermit]

I have to say I never planned on being married. When I was younger and very independent, I had friends who wanted nothing else but to get their MRS. degree as they called it in college. I came from parents who hated each other and never wanted to be stuck with that. I had my own career and own agenda. And thats when I met my husband. I met him at work and we happened to start working together. He was married but separated which I did not believe at first. I really liked him and thought if nothing else we could be friends. Work kept use together and talking alot. Six months down the road and he told me he was divorced and kissed me. That was it, hook line and sinker. We've been married for 13 years and he is my BEST friend. I never thought it would happen but it did. We are both in law enforcement which has the highest divorce and cheating rate in the world. If I had a nickel for every married man that hit on me. My husband and I have actually broken that mold and are very happy. Communication is the key, I believe, I tell him everything. I guess my point is, don't feel pressured by other people, do your own thing and I am telling you when you least expect it......expect it!

[Crankin]

I met my husband when a friend dragged me to a Jewish singles softball game. I was 25 and I had already had a short, but messy and dysfunctional relationship/short marriage in college. When I got to the game, it was 110 out (love the Valley of the Sun) and some of the guys were, uh wearing black pants and dress shoes... I looked up and saw my husband, who looked strikingly like my first love from middle school/high school. He was a very good player. Afterwards, we all went out for pizza and he asked me out. So did 2 other guys. Five weeks later, we moved in together and a month after that, we were engaged. We got married when we had known each other six months. My parents told me to live together longer and his parents, well, they went nuts.
Although our parents and families were VERY different, we both had the same values and religion. My husband had his own business and had quit college before I met him (he was very young; only 23) and was very successful. I had just finished my master's in education and was teaching. One day I came home from work, right after we got married and he said he was going to register for some classes at ASU, because he was embarrassed to say that his wife had a master's degree and he was a HS grad. Later he told me that I was the first person who ever thought he was smart and encouraged him! He is now the director of a very large division (200+ people) in a software company and he doesn't ever forget what it took for him to get to where he is.
We will be married 29 years in December. At first, I didn't want kids, but then I got obsessed with the idea; we lost our first baby when I was eight months pregnant. If we could get through that in our twenties, we could do anything! We had the two boys when we were young and are very happy with that decision. I think the trick to having kids and a good marriage is that we put the marriage and the relationship first. We didn't ignore our kids, who have turned out to be quite nice young men, but we always went out as a couple on the weekends, took vacations alone, and had a social life apart from the stuff we did with the kids, even when we both were working. One thing that helped was that my husband took an equal role in the parenting and he was the one who stayed home with son #1 when he was born, for the first 8 months.
We have a lot more common interests now than we did in the beginning (cycling!). For years I was the one running off to exercise while he did stuff around the house.
All of our friends in AZ are now divorced. It's really sad. All of these couples waited a lot longer to have kids and always had more money than us when we were younger. We progressed as the years went on and now we are in a much better place than they are in many ways. I never would have predicted any of it.

[teigyr]

I think there have been some fantastic stories here.

If I look back on failed relationships, I'd say I knew they'd fail beforehand only I didn't acknowledge it. As I started figuring out what I wanted in my life, I started looking at those "this person is perfect only..." thoughts as warnings.

I never did think marriage was a necessity. I'm really good with life as it is (or was good with life as it was) and am more the independent sort. Right back around the time I met DH though I was really tired of dating. I went to a LOT of fun places but I guess I wanted normalcy and quiet time and just to be myself around someone. After a night of frustration (it was at work, I worked graveyard) I got home and e-mailed a friend. I told him that my life would be perfect if he found me a guy who worked where he worked. It was my birthday, I was living in a strange/different city where I didn't know anyone really, and the e-mail was very uncharacteristic. My friend said he knew someone who would be perfect for me. Turns out, DH had heard about me too.

After relationships filled with drama, I have found that this relationship is peaceful. We have fun. We trust each other. We are friends.

More than having shallow things in common (ie liking the same type of food), we feel the same way about commitment, goals, and what we want from marriage and a relationship. We have a mix of responsibility (no kids, just five cats and a house) and juvenile antics.

There is never a reason to rush into anything. When it is right, you know.

I can't say that we've had obstacles that have destroyed our relationship. As far as things enhancing it, I'm not that difficult to please. DH said he'd run a race with me (he's not a runner) and I am positively giddy with excitement. DH is pretty appreciative when I remember to pick up my shoes. While there IS romance in relationships, it's the little things that are the best and are the most romantic. I think people who write romance novels wouldn't appreciate it but I do and DH does.

Lastly, I read a quote once about marriage and about how you wouldn't disown a parent or grandparent because you "grew apart". While I was married before DH, the same mindset wasn't with that person. I do realize that people DO grow apart but it was important to me to know that if I got remarried, the person I married would realize that it went a bit beyond dating. It was really great meeting someone (also previously married) that felt as I did. The point of it all is our relationship is important to each of us and we will do what it takes to nurture it. We also have the commitment to stay together. There is so much calmness in that.

I'm still really sucky about picking up my shoes. DH is the better person. Between cat boxes that he cleans (I was the cat woman) and shoes (he built me a room for shoes so you'd think I could put them away) and everything else he does, I am incredibly lucky. When you're ready, I hope for the same for you Good relationships can only enhance who you are, they don't define it.

[sfa]

I never really had marriage as a goal for myself. It wasn't something I was against in any way, and my parents had a great relationship (still do!) so I had a good model right in front of me for a successful marriage. But I was more interested in other things--getting my degree, travelling, finding work I loved. So no one was more surprised than I was when I met a guy when I was 19 years old and knew (o.k., it took me most of a year to "know"--I didn't trust my own judgment and we were dating long distance before the era of cheap flights and email) that he was the one. But even then I took it slow--I still wanted to finish my degree, go to graduate school, travel, etc. I knew I had to be completely happy and comfortable with my own life before I'd commit to marriage. We finally married when I was 25, and I thought at the time that maybe I was still a bit too young! My husband was also very cautious and in no hurry--he had married young and was divorced when we met (he's almost 11 years older than me) and wanted to make absolutely sure he was making the right decision. He said he wouldn't even consider marriage again for at least five years after his divorce.

That was nearly 15 years ago and we're still happily married, although it hasn't always been "happily ever after." There's something like a 75% divorce rate among parents of autistic children, and we often get the "how do you do it?" question from people. But I think going into the marriage knowing that it wouldn't always be blissful and romantic was a great start, along with going into it knowing that we both were completely happy with who we were as individuals. Add to that a good dose of flexibility, mutual respect, lots of common interests and a few uncommon ones, patience and a good sense of humor. That's how we do it.

Sarah

[arielmoon]

This thread rocks!

I was in a relationship with guy, I met in college, for 10 years. When we met I had very low self esteem and a negative outlook. I didnt want to get married and become a statistic. He and I had some things in common and we ended up buying a farm which was my dream. So after 10 years his mom asked if she made all the arrangements would we get married and at that point I figured we were committed. So we got married in 1999. Then I got really healthy inside and out and discovered we were in fact very different. We divorced 4 years later.

Since then I have had 2 relationships that were nice but just not it. I am really picky so I am probably limiting the playing field substantially. I would rather be alone than with a negative, pessimistic, unhealthy person.

Lately I have been thinking that I live in the wrong place to try and meet a happy like minded active, animal loving vegan!

[Irulan]

The physical part of a relationship, I think, gets overrated and after 10 years, we are in a comfortable, low key kinda rhythm that suits me. Physical closeness is much more important.

mmm beg to disagree. Sure I think intimacy changes over the years, but at least for us, the sex has gotten better and better and better over the years. We make a point of keeping that part of our relationship on track and part of our focus. We couldn't have what we have without the other parts of our marriage really working well. We are 29 years into this thing, and I just can't imagine "it" being any better.

I.

[salsabike]

I wanted to say one more thing. For every Veronica who met her husband when they were really young, there's another like me who met the right guy after the age of 30. The first time I "almost got married", when I was 23, it was very much a kind of "Well, I'm finishing graduate school...it must be about the right time to get married" thought process. That guy was very likable and all, but the driving force was a sort of intellectual conviction that it was "time" to get married. And it would have been a mistake (we called off a big wedding the week before, which is a story in itself).

So...there is no right timetable for this. That's what I meant by take your time, don't rush.

[michelem]

So, I know I'm jumping in here a little late, but thought I'd share a couple things that have helped us immensely.

My hubby and I got married a little later than most (we were both nearing 31). We were both pretty set in our ways and what a shock once we got married and started living together! I think we both thought we could just go along as usual, with the fringe benefits of being married. We didn't realize how much work it would be to create a "we" rather than a "you and me." In our case the first few years were ROUGH! We were still trying to be independent and we certainly didn't want to be co-dependent (which is what we thought of as the alternative). The solution? INTER-dependence! And, boy, what a difference that has made.

Another thing we needed to learn was to let go of the 50-50 concept -- if I see you do your part, then I'll do my part; but, if I don't see you do your part, then you better believe I'm not gonna do my part! We had to start looking at ourselves contributing 100% to the marriage, whether or not the other was contributing anything at all. No, I'm not talking about becoming a slave or a doormat. We both committed to the concept, so that each of us was giving 100%. Granted, we don't live up to this 100% of the time, but we try and that makes all the difference.

Finally, I REALLY had to learn how to let go and let my husband be himself. Can you believe that the more I got after him to pick up after himself, etc., the more he dug in his heels and got defensive? The nerve of him! I had to learn that my world was not going to fall apart if the house wasn't perfectly in order. Also, that he was not out to get me or hurt me (which is how I took it when he left his socks on the floor or the dirty pb&j knife on the bare counter). And, amazingly, over the course of time, the less I nagged, the more he started picking up after himself ON HIS OWN!

Basically, we are The Odd Couple. I'm Felix and he's Oscar. From the outside, you would never think our relationship would work. He likes spicey, I like plain. He likes riding downhill with no hands, I'm clutching the brakes for dear life (give me uphill any day!), he likes basketball and football and lifting weights, I like ballet and figure skating . . . you get the picture. BUT, we are on the same page when it comes to spirituality, values, and loving each other.

So, there you have it in a nutty nutshell. Thanks for letting me share.

[Andrea]

I met my 1st husband when I was in high school. At the time, we were perfect for each other and became best friends. A year & a half later, at the disapproval of my parents but the approval of his, we got married.
Fast forward 7 (mostly happy) years- I'm about to graduate with my master's degree, have a wonderful job lined up, and budding hopes of becoming a national-level cyclist. He's still going to college on & off (as in signing up, going to classes, then dropping them when they start getting too difficult) while trying to survive financially with growing debt (student loans and various irresponsible purchases) and hopping between jobs in retail. I had been trying to support him however I could for so long, but finally decide that my future looks brighter without him in the picture. We get divorced. It's very, very painful to see someone that you still care about spiral down to the lowest point in their life as a direct result of your actions. It was tough, but I kept telling myself that my hopes and dreams no longer deserved to be compromised.

Around the time that marriage was hitting the rocks, I started training and bike racing a LOT. I was somewhat poor at the time, and found another local racer that wanted to split travel costs to go to more races. We became friends, though I didn't really reveal much about my personal life. Turns out, I left my hubby the day before a race weekend. Subsequently had a HORRIBLE race, and finally told my race pal what was going on (he was very understanding... he let me borrow his race wheels that day, too...). In the following months, we continue to be great friends- racing, training, and generally spending free time together.

We eventually became more than friends... and that's where I am now. He bought a house, and me & the kids (the furry type, of course) moved in. Life is better now than I could ever have imagined it. We balance each other perfectly. He is so understanding of me- my personality quirks, my dedication to training/racing (that can be really hard on a relationship)... and he doesn't mind them... which makes me so grateful to have found him.

As for marriage... I can say I don't know if it's in my future or not. Unlike a lot of unmarried couples, he would probably agree to get married tomorrow if I suggested it. I'm just not sure about it. Marriage seems like such an imposed value of society to me now. It's like a requirement- you must get a job, a spouse, and have 2.5 children, white picket fence, etc... Furthermore, going through a divorce was one of the most stressful things I've ever been through. Not that I see another divorce in my future if I were to get married again... but who ever does?

So that's my story. I am with someone who is, as far as I can tell, a perfect match for me. Where it goes from here? No idea- I'm just playing things as they're dealt right now

[Aggie_Ama]

I don't even know when I met my husband. We both bowled competitively and I feel like I must have discovered he existed around 14-15. He thought I was stuck up and didn't care to know me. Truth is I am very shy and standoffish when strangers approach me.

We started dating when I was 16 after he decided might as well ask since my friends said I liked him and I was "cute". We got engaged when I was 19, married at 22. My parents insisted I finish college first and I am glad I did because being married and not having parents to help with the bills gets really hard really fast.

We have been married 5.5 years and it has definitely not been all roses. I guess so far what makes it work is we have changed a lot but we continue to grow up together instead of apart. We fight for us because we both feel the sum is better than the parts. We have been through hell, hurt each other, close family death, serious illnesses, sick parents, being pretty broke, moving, changing jobs, disappointment in careers, college. I am not the same girl and sometimes I don't know how he became the man he is from the 17 year old boy who took me to a movie. But we accept that we changed and overall we like our 27 and 28 year old selves a heck of a lot more.

Did I ever think I would marry the boy I fell for in high school? Heck no! But if you find someone you will fight with and fight for and still love 11 years later you stop looking at your timeline. We don't have kids, not sure we will so there is a dynamic that may strain or strengthen us.

There is no time anyone must be ready, you just hope you know yourself well enough to make the right choice and hope your partner is the same way. I still think marriage is a crap shoot. You don't fail always because you were too lazy to work at it and you don't succeed because you were determined not to fail. There are so many other variables.

My own parents have been married 33 years. Somedays I think they are completely dysfunctional, other days I think they have the perfect marriage. Somedays my mom would say "totally f-ed up" and some days "strong and perfect" to describe them. Sometimes in the same day. They fight for them and it has worked for 33 years.

[Pax]

My Partner and I met at work, we felt a connection and became good friends, as time passed we acknowledged an attraction and discussed what we wanted from the other and what we were willing to give. I was 29 and she was 30, it was a good thing for us that we were a bit older or it never would have worked...I was too wild when I was younger and she was too staid, we wouldn't have connected very well.

We're approaching 19 years together and she's still the love of my life.