frustrated rant- need some feedback please!

[archibella]

I'm a bit frustrated here, and I wondered if you ladies could pass on some words of wisdom. I typically ride with a group of people, all of whom seem really nice, and whom I feel pretty safe with. Last night after the ride (we usually all go for some food) I got to talking with one of the guys about rides close to home, and he suggested doing a route that he knew, and was accessible to both of us. He suggested including several others from the group- so I said, sure, of course I'd be interested. As long as it's a group ride I'm all for it. Then I get to work, and invite a cyclist I know there. Well, my coworker says, oh-- I know that guy, you should be carefull, he has a reputation as a ladies man. I really appreciate my coworker's warning, but it leaves me feeling uncertain and frustrated. I mean if he'd said, that guy accosted some woman, it would be an easy choice, but how do I react to: he's got a rep, lol?

The group I ride with is mostly older (say 40-60 yrs old) men. There is a small percentage of older women and younger people (like mid 20's-30's). To put it bluntly (and as I told my coworker) I'm 25, I'm not interested in dating a 40 year old, all I want are some riding 'buddies' who won't drop me and who will help me if I'm in trouble. That said... do I find a convenient excuse and not go, or just keep my eyes open and go enjoy myself? I don't see a problem riding with the older guys in the group as long as it's at least three of us. Am I being naive? Am I committing some social faux paus here? Since there aren't really a whole lot of younger riders or women here, it's not like I have a big choice... and I don't believe that I put out any kind of "signals" that could be mistaken. A lot of the guys have kids my age.

Sorry this is a bit of a rant, but sometimes this social baloney really frustrates me.

Thanks lots--

[pkq]

Despite what others say about people, I try to form my own opinions. Often people don't get the same impressions. I usually regret going with preformed opinions of people. I'd do the ride and form my own opinion. Often men are just being nice and we misread it.

[SadieKate]

I'm with pkg. You must form your own opinions and you must be able to courteously deflect unwelcome attention. We all must learn and practice those skills. Our group can cover 5 decades at one ride. I wouldn't miss the opportunity to share and learn from the group. If someone turns out to not be a good fit, you don't need to invite them again.

[singletrackmind]

Even if he is a 'ladie's man' he'd just be a man to not get involved with romantically, right? Suggesting a secondary group ride hardly sounds like
'your place-or mine', especially as you started the conversational rolling of the ball. Maybe ask what the co-worker means by 'ladies man'. Dangerous or just gets around? If it's the latter you can always say no if he were to ever suggest interest. IF he did ever express interest try not to be offended if he's a gentleman and backs off asap. After all, how does one know the possibilities if the opportunity isn't put to the table?

Keep eyes open and enjoy yourself is my thought, but you know better than any of us how you feel about this situation.

[bikerchick68]

I must agree to go and form your own opinion. Up until your coworker said something it sounds as tho you had no negative vibes from this person...

if he hits on you a simple, "That's very flattering, but thank you, no." will send a clear and non-angry message to him. Even him asking you out once is no big deal if he accepts the no and lets it go... I hope it's a fun and stress free ride for you!

[doc]

I agree with what everyone has written. Don't assume the worst, assume the best. But I'll add a bit. Be prepared for the worst. Tell several people where and with whom you are going and when you expect to be back. Especially if it ends up being just the 2 of you. Make sure he knows you told several people ("We might run into so and so at that place we stop to refill water/get coffee. I told her we were coming by and she said she's working there today.") Plus bring your cell phone. That should keep you safe from major danger.

On a more likely level, if he is interested and you're not, no big deal. Be straightforward. Even thank him for his interest but have a true-ish excuse ready. But make sure you are clear. It has to be a real no, not a "oh i would but". The "but" will eventually go away and you are left with "oh I will" And have fun!! That's what riding is all about. Probably for him too.

[archibella]

Thanks for all of your input so far-- I guess I just wanted to add a little more-- you're right bikerchick68, so far I haven't had any neg. vibes from him. I wouldn't have even thought about it if my coworker hadn't said something. I think if he were to make it known that he had some sort of interest, I could find a polite way to say thanks, I'm flattered, but I'm not interested. Also I try and make it a policy to never ride with less than three until I know a person very well-- just as a safety precaution. I'm really not worried about that-- I guess it's just that I seem to come upon several people lately that think that I'm putting myself in harm's way by hanging out with them because "I'm the younger woman hanging out with the older men and that looks bad". Now... one of the things I learned when I entered the professional world was that you can have friends of all ages, backgrounds, etc. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with my going bicycle riding with these guys, but every once in a while I worry that maybe I'm totally missing something and that this is just not ok, lol.

Again, thanks for the sounding board-- I value this forum very much for it's diversity and everyone's willingness to share opinions!

[BIKEAWAY]

Just one more thought..a while ago I was in a simular situation where a friend warned me about a man in the same way. I took her advise and turned down a gathering for some kayaking.
About a month later , I found out that the man really was the victim and my "good" friend was the agressor and she was turned down by this guy.
I know know him and his new girlfriend better and really kick myself for not going for my gut feelings on this.....

[pkq]

I've been in the professional world for 16 years. It is OK to have friends across the spectrum of demographics at work. But some of those same people will apply a double standard outside the corporate walls to segments of the population and/or new social norms/standards they have hangups with. Human nature gives us a lot to overcome.

All that aside, you do need to live in your own generation, too. Include the 20-somethings. Life is a balancing act from A-Z.

[archibella]

Thanks-- it makes me feel a little better that others have gotten along with friends of all ages without judgement.

I only wish there were more 20 somethings pkq, it's definitely not for lack of trying that I don't meet more people my age. My city is just not the hot spot, and there are VERY few young professionals here. In fact most of the population between 22 and 35 move away, especially if they are a college graduate. I had hoped to start meeting some more people through biking, but even that is pretty lop-sided...

[pkq]

Well, TX has Big D, Houston, Austin, San Antonio....all nice places to live.

Many people move to larger cities to have more options. I grew up in small town Louisiana, with the same problem. Few of my classmates went to college but most have moved away anyway for jobs. It's sad to go home and not see all my old friends. But that's part of life.

[archibella]

I'm actually in San Antonio, and I was really surprised to learn how few there are. There's a huge population of very young married people with kids and maybe a high school degree-- maybe. But for people who are in their mid 20's and are starting a career... I actually miss college a lot because there were tons of people my age. I didn't realize how hard it would be to make friends in a new city. Don't get me wrong, I have a few close friends my age... but since moving here I have tried karate, play on 2 softball teams, joined a gym, started cycling, am involved in professional associations, sing in a choir... And man is SA conservative-- whew! But the city is so beautiful-- and I'm lucky enough to live downtown, so I get to walk to work and see the riverwalk all the time. The history is fantastic, and the town is a regular melting pot of culture. I guess I shouldn't complain too much, lol. Meanwhile... if you meet any 20 somethings who are thinking of moving south, tell them to check out SA!

[runnergirl]

I have the same issue with the club here!

My 2 cents... yes you should make your own decisions about people, but if the co-worker who "warned" you is trustworthy and you know that they have your best intrest in mind, it's worth keeping your guard up with this other guy. Thus far I have found that some of the older guys are a great resource, and some just keep hitting on me no matter what. I found that the younger male cyclists tend to be fast, so if you think you can hang with an A pace group go find the local racing team rides and hang with them as long as you can. Some have serious ego issues, but most are happy to see a woman out there...