question for the wounded...

[Irulan]

BUT...I don't think I am doing everything right! we are fighting over the stupidest (is that a word?) things and I always walk away feeling like the cruelest creature!!! We go to the gym together...watch movies...go out to dinner...but I need to do more!!!

late on board here, but since DH broke his pelvis and collarbone mountain biking two months ago, I feel qualified to answer.
- if he's on pain killers, they make people act weird sometimes so don't take it personal.
-if he's in mild pain a lot he's probably not sleeping and that will make him grumpy too. Don't take it personally.

I've found I have to take care of myself, and that means leaving him home and going for bike rides or out without him: the 24/7 thing gets real old, once we got over the hump of the first two weeks.

RE: events - when you have broken bones and can't bear weight, we found tolerance for events to be pretty minimal. Even with a handicap placard, just the walking around can take it out of him pretty quick. So, based on being IN it, I think the "events, camping and fourwheeling etc" is really not a very good idea. The LAST thing you want to do is risk stressing the injury. Broken bones are not fun, and can be very uncomfortable and painful.

So, we watch a lot of Dvds. We do mellow socializing. I get out of dodge every now and then, and don't take it personal when he's having a bad day.

Our relationship must be different, I would never think of doing extra special gestures to try and make him feel better. I have taken very good care of him ( shoot, I held the pee bottle for three days) and don't mind doing whatever needs to be done, but really, he's the one that has to choose his attitude. Nothing I do or say will change it if he's in a crap mood.

[maillotpois]

I have had a couple off instances where I had to be off the bike - one pretty serious, for 6 months. both times it was very hard fr me to watch and hear about my husband's cycling prowess (and I pretty much had to not come on TE). so recognize the wistfulness with which he will watch you ride. don't talk about it more than you have to. it can be really hard.

[NbyNW]

I think Irulan said it very well. Injuries like these can really stress a relationship. You do need to take good care of yourself while you're taking care of him. (ETA: just realized this was an old thread! Hope your DH is doing better!)

I don't know if I have any advice, but maybe just some insight and introspection from my own recent experience (pardon the long-ishness):

When I fractured my sacrum, it took me a very long time to start to feel like my "old self" again -- nearly two years. I think I went through a process of my brain re-wiring itself to respond to the pain, how to move around without aggravating the injury, etc. I did not always have the ability to articulate to DH what I was feeling or going through, or what I did and did not need from him.

It is at once empowering to learn that you can adapt while your body heals, but also humbling (and even humiliating for some people -- everyone is different) to feel like you need help or that your body isn't up to the task of a simple thing like walking, and all of the independence that comes with that. I am someone who does not like to ask for help, but I had to learn to accept help during this time.

I really struggled with how the pain affected my mood, and my energy. I also had some PTSD-related symptoms that made me feel VERY anti-social. DH was travelling a lot for work so he didn't get to see every day how I was physically and emotionally struggling. And he would come home to a wife who was in pain, tired, grumpy, and generally had lowered expectations of what she considered to be a good day. So our communication was pretty bad while I was going through this, and I realize that he was going through it too, in his own way, but it was hard to get him to talk about it. It was a process of re-learning how to listen to each other, be patient, ask questions.

I think there were two things that helped me, especially during the first year. They may be unique to my situation. One: I had a project, which was to finish my master's thesis so that I could graduate. And the pain and fatigue and limited mobility were all factors in completing what was already a huge endeavor. Fortunately I was in a field where I could actually use the experience of injury to inform my research, at least in a book-ending contextual way. That helped me to come to terms emotionally with what had happened. Two: (and I don't recommend this one) a dear childhood friend had begun a battle with leukemia the week before I got hurt. So we had a good laugh over how we still needed our parents even though we're all grown up. And knowing what he and his wife were going through immunized me from feeling any self-pity, which ordinarily I might be prone to.

I don't know if there are any easy fixes or coping mechanisms for going through a long and painful recovery. You can't speed it up. And pain killers only help so much, and they do nothing for the frustration of (temporary) loss of function.

It may be that all you can do is let DH know how much you love him, that you want to be supportive and it hurts you to see him in pain, even though he's the one who is REALLY in pain and sidelined and has months of boring PT ahead of him that you probably won't be able to help with. And that you need him to be in the relationship too, even if he's taking a time out from other things. Remind him that even with a busted-up ankle, he's still your DH. And his arms work perfectly fine, so he should be able to give you hugs.