question for the wounded...

[NbyNW]

I think Irulan said it very well. Injuries like these can really stress a relationship. You do need to take good care of yourself while you're taking care of him. (ETA: just realized this was an old thread! Hope your DH is doing better!)

I don't know if I have any advice, but maybe just some insight and introspection from my own recent experience (pardon the long-ishness):

When I fractured my sacrum, it took me a very long time to start to feel like my "old self" again -- nearly two years. I think I went through a process of my brain re-wiring itself to respond to the pain, how to move around without aggravating the injury, etc. I did not always have the ability to articulate to DH what I was feeling or going through, or what I did and did not need from him.

It is at once empowering to learn that you can adapt while your body heals, but also humbling (and even humiliating for some people -- everyone is different) to feel like you need help or that your body isn't up to the task of a simple thing like walking, and all of the independence that comes with that. I am someone who does not like to ask for help, but I had to learn to accept help during this time.

I really struggled with how the pain affected my mood, and my energy. I also had some PTSD-related symptoms that made me feel VERY anti-social. DH was travelling a lot for work so he didn't get to see every day how I was physically and emotionally struggling. And he would come home to a wife who was in pain, tired, grumpy, and generally had lowered expectations of what she considered to be a good day. So our communication was pretty bad while I was going through this, and I realize that he was going through it too, in his own way, but it was hard to get him to talk about it. It was a process of re-learning how to listen to each other, be patient, ask questions.

I think there were two things that helped me, especially during the first year. They may be unique to my situation. One: I had a project, which was to finish my master's thesis so that I could graduate. And the pain and fatigue and limited mobility were all factors in completing what was already a huge endeavor. Fortunately I was in a field where I could actually use the experience of injury to inform my research, at least in a book-ending contextual way. That helped me to come to terms emotionally with what had happened. Two: (and I don't recommend this one) a dear childhood friend had begun a battle with leukemia the week before I got hurt. So we had a good laugh over how we still needed our parents even though we're all grown up. And knowing what he and his wife were going through immunized me from feeling any self-pity, which ordinarily I might be prone to.

I don't know if there are any easy fixes or coping mechanisms for going through a long and painful recovery. You can't speed it up. And pain killers only help so much, and they do nothing for the frustration of (temporary) loss of function.

It may be that all you can do is let DH know how much you love him, that you want to be supportive and it hurts you to see him in pain, even though he's the one who is REALLY in pain and sidelined and has months of boring PT ahead of him that you probably won't be able to help with. And that you need him to be in the relationship too, even if he's taking a time out from other things. Remind him that even with a busted-up ankle, he's still your DH. And his arms work perfectly fine, so he should be able to give you hugs.